Disclaimer: I do not own them. That Sam-I-Am! I do not like them, Sam-I-Am! I do not like Green Eggs and Ham. Nor do I like eating mass quantities of tofu and soymilk. So blame Beast Boy for the mass outbreak of diarrhea.

Chapter Ten: Devising Dinner and the Diva Duel

"We forgot the mussels!!!" Marie exclaimed from her room, after having straightened all her chattels.

She dashed downstairs and wrenched open the door, the button being still out of commission. Running across the path, she came upon a puddle filled with the shellfish and scooped the lot up in her arms, still smelling of vinegar. Then, she trudged back inside, rummaged through the cabinets until she found a pot, and filled it to the brim with water from her powers.

Marie set the pot on the counter and sat down on a stool. What can I make? Clam Chowder? Mussel Chowder? Suddenly, she brightened. She went to the recycle bin beside the door and grabbed the Sunday paper, untying the string that bound it. Then, she started layering the counter with the funnies, the Business, and the Arts & Entertainment sections.

Starfire entered, robed with her hair in a towel and glided over the assortment of video games scattered about the floor to investigate. She turned to the mussels in the pot and asked, "Comrade, why do you confine the considerably coy crustaceans in a culinary constraint?" (A.N.: loL! Lots of C's!)

Marie laughed, whipped out a Chef's Hat, and exclaimed, "Zis is not ze penitentiary! Zis is L'ail A Bourré des Moules!" (Garlic Stuffed Mussels) At this, Raven poked her head in through the door and walked over.

Licking her lips she asked, "Garlic?"

"Oui, mademoiselle! Ail! And I do not intend to cook it all by myself."

"Nor do you intend to flavor it with vinegar, either!" said Terra through a pinched nose. "Did you shower yet?!"

Marie tilted her chin in defiance. "No, and I'm not going to until we get this baby whipped up. Now, who's a-gonna help a-hur?"

The other three obliged, adorning white aprons and Chef's Hats…well, all except a resolute Raven. Robin, Cyborg, and Beast Boy entered as well, all of them, (except one furry green vegan), felt the hunger tearing away at their shrunken stomachs as the delicious scent of seafood met their noses. The two formers agreed to assist, leaving Beast Boy alone in his misery, only to be temporarily cheered by Starfire.

"Do not despair, Beast Boy!" She declared, holding a fistful of some sort of slimy green vegetation. "I have managed to procure a serving of seaweed! I have heard that Asians prefer it in a dish they dub sushi!"

"Which also happens to contain raw fish!!!" Beast Boy turned his nose up at Starfire's offering and skulked off, deciding to exercise his skills in a game of solitaire by the window.

*******

"So, what are we making?" Cyborg asked, a little spittle slowly making its way down his chin.

"Garlic Stuffed Mussels. It's supposed to be real easy to cook. I was thinking that everyone would help…am I correct in assuming so?"

Following that question came a reply in the form of vigorous nodding of the heads that were assembled. Marie smiled benignly and rapidly flipped to a page in a gigantic cookbook entitled: "Seafood for Seafarers."

"Okay, people!" She shouted in a drill sergeant voice. "I want all of the following ingredients rallied on this counter on the double!" she pointed to a list of food, and there was a hustle and bustle around the pantry and by the sink as everyone rushed to gather everything. In about five minutes, Marie was flicking off items on a checklist.

"6 lbs. of Fresh Mussels?"

"Check!" giggled Starfire as she poked at a particularly large mussel huddled in the bottom of the pot.

"19.5 oz. of Butter?"

"Check!" hollered Cyborg from the sink as he washed the greasy "low"-fats from his hands.

"7 cloves of Garlic, crushed?"

"Check." Muttered Raven, pointing to a mound of garlic that she had literally blown to smithereens with her powers.

"3.5 oz. of white breadcrumbs?"

"Check!" said Robin, chin in hand, finger swirling around a little pile of doughy dust. Marie smacked the gloved hand and went back to the clipboard.

"Chopped Parsley?"

"Check!" Terra grinned and started playing around with the little flecks of green leaf, pretending them to be mini Beast Boys. Marie gritted her teeth.

"1 ¾ lemons?"

"Check!" Terra said again, holding up a lemon and three-quarters and puckering her lips in a kiss.

Marie rolled her eyes and yelled, "ATTEN-TION!!!"

The Titans halted whatever they were doing, stood stiff and awaited their next command.

"Alright, you turds, time to show these mussels whose din-din they really are! I want those mussels prepared, the butter melted, the gar—Yes, ma'am?!"

Starfire let her hand drop and asked, "How does one go about preparing a mussel? Shall I enforce weight-lifting exercises?"

Terra snickered and pretended to blow a whistle and throw towels on the pot of shellfish. Marie glared at her and turned to Starfire.

"Naw, Star, these guys aren't seagull warriors or anything…Maybe I should just show everyone what to do…?" There was a murmur of consent and Marie sighed.

"Alright, alright. Okay, you gotta make sure they're alive, first." She tapped the mussels and watched as they each closed, protecting themselves from the Titans' monstrously ravenous appetites.

"Scrape off any foreign bodies that are living on the shell." Marie took a sharpened knife and started hacking away at the dense layer of barnacles clustered all over it.

"Don't forget to leave them in the water while you're doing that. Now, you have to pull out all the dark hairs that look like a beard growing from the sides." Marie plucked at the little frizz until the shell was clean and then drained the pot, dumping a load of mollusks on the newspaper.

"Okay guys, roll up your sleeves, because it's time to get dirty!"

Terra was happy to hear they were working with dirt and was the first to follow directions.

Probably because she's a worthless mound of dirty shit. Marie thought, in vicious remembrance of her pink-ified room.

Raven was the only one to decline, claiming that she'd rather make use of her powers.

Marie started removing the upper shell of the mussels and throwing them in the trashcan. Then she pulled over the glass dish and started arranging them in a circular pattern. Everyone did it in their own little way:

Starfire aimed and fired tiny starbolts at the "hinges" of the shells to pop them open.

Robin was flinging birdarangs in rapid succession at the shells.

Cyborg was using an assortment of little contraptions, can openers, pliers, and tweezers attached to his mechanical arm.

Terra was cracking the mussels open by banging them with the pebbles from the bottom of the pot.

Raven was levitating ten mussels at a time with sable-tinged effulgence and popping the bivalves in two, like lids off tubs of butter.

Once the mussels were residing in their happy new grave, Marie ordered for the butter to be melted in a bowl, which Cyborg abruptly set to work on. After that was through with, Terra and Raven added their parsley, lemons, and garlic to the bowl, watching the extra salty glob of fatty oils swim together with the juices and herbs and combine into one mouth-watering mixture.

Raven watched the bits of Terra's inferior parsley paddle along in the bowl, and they suddenly became enveloped in her coal-black light. Rising into the air, they hovered ominously, which ceased as Terra waved her hand and made them plop back into the sauce with a tiny splatter. The two glared at each other for a moment.

"Flying parsley, huh? Now that's a new one…" Mused Marie genially as the two girls turned away from each other.

"At least I can chop things up without using my powers." Terra bragged in a haughty whisper.

"At least the word "Garlic" is in the name of the recipe…" Raven triumphantly muttered under her breath.

"From my observations, I think that our dressing has completed its stages of brewing. Shall I pour the mixture over the crustaceans, friend Mar—er—Sepia?" Starfire asked, hands clasped and eyes alit. Marie, of course, obliged, and Starfire daintily held the bowl by the ladle and spread a thick layer over the seafood.

Robin started sprinkling the crumbs over the mussels, to which Starfire chimed, "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat!"

"Where did you learn that?!" Robin asked, astounded.

"Beast Boy told me to say it." She said, puzzled by her own words.

"I'll kill that little monkey…"

"O-kay, now all that's left is to grill this baby! And with all the technology in this Tower, I'm assuming you have a grill?"

"Actually, I have one built in!" And with that, Cyborg produced a foldable grill from the side of his arm. Marie laughed and slid the mussels one by one onto the metal. There was a little sizzle as the mussels turned golden brown and crisped on the edges. The garlic brought out the mussel juices, and the lemon oozed out in fountains of flavoring. The aroma was warm, inviting, and smelled of the Mediterranean. Marie set them back on the glass plate and placed it on the newspaper.

Starfire set out the paper plates, plastic forks, napkins, and Dixie cups on top of the newspaper tablecloth while Marie dumped a whole container of Hershey's Chocolate Syrup into a pitcher and started stirring in the whole milk.

Raven levitated a few candles from the cupboard onto the counter and lit them with a dark fire, casting an ashen glow over the room. Robin looked at her oddly, "It's her first dinner here." was all he got for a reply.

"She hasn't been doing anything lately, has she?" Robin whispered in Raven's ear.

She froze a swell, Robin. Forty-footer, complete with minnows and all. Raven thought.

No way?! What about the salt?!

She can overcome that. Her powers came from the serum that Veiktra LabCorp. injected in her food. They tried to capture her to analyze, but she ran away.

So what's with this "Sepia" name-thingy?

She doesn't trust Terra, and doesn't want her to know her real name, so she's sticking with that.

WHAT?! I don't believe this! You've been talking to her, haven't you?

No, I haven't. And if you make one false move and spill, I swear, I'll hunt you to the ends of the universe. She has a right to her own privacy, Robin. If she feels that way, then let her be…

Marie set the pitcher in the middle of the counter and everyone pulled up a stool. Robin sat at the head, Raven at the other end, alone and unaffected, Starfire was huddled next to Robin, Cyborg opposite Starfire, Terra in between Marie and the hulking mass of metal. Only then did they realize that one of their company had fallen short.

"Where the hell is Beast Boy?" Marie asked…and rapid chaotic communication ensued:

"What did we go over in the café about using profanity?"

"I dunno, probably moping in his room because his beloved tofu is past the expiration date."

"That because I am now a Titan, I must adhere to Robin's ridiculous code of chivalry."

"Yeah, he'll come out sooner or later."

"Oh, I forgot to tell you about becoming a Titan: There's another thing that you have to do."

"Anyone think we should go up and get him?"

"What do you mean 'Another thing?'"

"Nah. He's only feeling left out of all the fun."

"Well…you see…there's this thing…"

"Ummm…Robin, save it for later, I'm hungry."

And the talking stopped.

Which made Marie aware of the hectic fashion the Titans lived their lives. Everyone's conversation overlapping, people doing whatever and suddenly being called out of video-game mode and into the real crime-fighting action, and above all, growing up. Terra seemed to be used to it a lot more than she was. But of course, she was only thirteen, and everyone else was at least a year or two older.

The talking started again as Beast Boy came in, scratching his head and yawning after taking a much-needed rest. He poked his head into the fridge and began searching.

"Solitaire finally put the snooze on you, huh?" Cyborg asked, purposely tearing at a very large portion of mussel meat.

Beast Boy winced at the carnage he saw before his eyes and turned from the seafood feast back to the tofu tracking. "No, just decided to take a nap, woke up from all the noise. I didn't know you were making dinner out of those poor guys."

"What'd you think we were doing? Adopting them as pets?" Marie asked, and chugged a Dixie full of chocolate milk.

"If I'd known that you were going to eat them like that, I would've let you guys get locked out and fried by the lasers…see how you like to be cooked and dressed." He had his hands on the top of the fridge door and his deep green eyes were angled in a glare at them.

"Beast Boy, I think the tofu is calling you. Can you hear it?" Terra mumbled between bites of mollusk.

He scowled and flung open the crisper, where he stored his precious imitation food. He took out a carton, set it on the marble countertop by the sink, stripped off the plastic top, tipped it upside down on a plate and waited. There was a "SP-LOOCH!" as the chunk of tofu slid out from its packaging and onto the plate. Beast Boy grabbed a plastic spoon from the basket, threw away the wrappers and sat down at the counter.

Cyborg looked at him disgustedly as he began to shovel the protein-rich soy extract down his throat. "You know, someday you'll be sitting there, giving us all the Universal Sign for choking, and I'm gonna laugh."

Beast Boy shrugged and continued to stuff his mouth.

Raven looked at the garlic-smothered seafood with avaricious eyes and started to help herself to another serving. The candlelight flickered and cast shadows of incubus-like silhouettes upon the walls. Marie noticed this and got up to fetch Raven a cup of her Herbal Tea.

Returning with a steaming china trinket, she placed it in front of Raven, "Boy, aren't you hungry today?"

Raven replied with a suspicious glance and sniffed at the teacup. "Has this been fixed?" she asked, cupping her hands around the base.

"No." Marie said simply. "And there's nothing in my head to find anyway, so mind reading won't help. And no, I didn't spike it, either."

"You think that garlic is my favorite?" Raven asked, sipping the scalding gingery liquid.

"Well, naturally. You've been picking a lot of the garlic off the mussels and taking second and third helpings."

"People have a right to eat. This is a free country."

"Raven?! Declaring America a FREE COUNTRY!!??!!" Cyborg exclaimed with mock disbelief. "What happened to eerie, mysterious Raven, who keeps the theology in mind that everything in life comes with a price?!" Cyborg laughed, then groaned, clutching his stomach. There was a metallic rumble as his stomach grumbled in protest to the amount of mussels that he had eaten.

"Including consumption. Your price is indigestion." Retorted an invariable Raven.

Starfire brightened and asked in a peppy voice, "Shall I administer my Tamaranian assimilation serum in the luscious flavor of the Harfavian Icki-uk fruit?"

"NO!!!" yelled Cyborg, and he leaped from his stool and fled to the bathroom.

Beast Boy laughed and nearly DID give the Universal sign for choking, but he just kept downing the tofu.

Terra spoke up, "So, Sepia, what kind of power do you got? Anything like mine?"

"What ARE your powers, anyway?" Marie asked firing the question back at her.

"Oh! Um—me? I move rocks…" Terra proved her point by cracking a corner off the marble countertop.

Robin started yelling at her, "WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT—?!"

"—Alright! Alright!" Terra sighed and let the slab fall to the floor with a mighty crash. Raven lifted a finger and made the marble mold with the rest.

Terra was about to crack. Raven, you damned show-off…She reverted to her questioning, "So, what do YOU do? Make monkeys sing, or something?"

Beast Boy muttered something that sounded significantly like, "Animal Cruelty" under his breath.

"No, I control water and sand." Marie said, folding her hands in front of her, she pointed her thumbs to the ceiling. A spurt of sand erupted from one, and a little gush of water came from the other like a miniature geyser.

"Two little cocks sitting on a wall. One named Peter, the other named Paul." Muttered Beast Boy.

Raven heard him. Lucky you didn't use the d-word. And I thought it was supposed to be blackbirds.

Dude, does it matter?

"Watch it. I just cleaned in here." Came Robin's mild reprimand.

Marie nodded her head and watched as the puddle of water and the pile of silt were absorbed back into her skin.

Terra rolled her eyes and decided to change the subject, "So, anyone up for desert?"

Beast Boy looked up from his plate and exclaimed aloud, "LET'S HAVE TOFUTTI!!!" He grinned, jumped from his seat and started to tear apart the fridge.

Robin started snickering, "Beast Boy, do you even know what tofutti is?!"

"No, but listen dude, if it's got tofu in it, then it MUST be Vegan!"

"You may sample some of my own Tower-made confectioneries!" Starfire squealed happily.

Marie shuddered at what that might be…

"Um, no thanks, Starfire, I think that I should be watching my weight, so…"

Robin snorted, "Well, I'm outta here." He grabbed him BO Staff that was propped up under the table and started to depart.

"Friend Robin, may I acquire your whereabouts later on?" Starfire piped.

Robin looked at her, "You can come, Star, I'm not trying to hold you back."

"Well isn't that obvious?" queried Beast Boy, "Robin would NEVER hold Star back. Lil' Robby-Poo has had a wet dream! Who knows? He might get an erection if Star keeps following him around like a bloodhound!"

Robin whirled around and smacked Beast Boy square in the nuts with his Staff.

"HOLY SHIT!!! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?!?!" Beast Boy was clutching his groin in pain, and the girls were in hysterics.

"What do you expect? You've been teasing Robin about puberty all day. I'd be surprised if you don't get a permanent erection from taking that hit." Raven was almost amused.

"Bet you'd like that, huh, Rae-Rae?" Beast Boy crooned.

Raven turned on him with stormy eyes. In a rage, she flung Beast Boy at the fridge and slammed the door shut on his you-know-what.

"AIIIEEE!!!" Beast Boy was trying to get free of the death grip. "Raven! Please?! It was only a joke! I'm not Jewish, here! Dude! I DON'T BELIEVE IN CIRCUMCISION!!!" he was easing out now.

Raven glared at him harder, "You should relish being in there. All your time spent searching for food," and the magnet strips on the door were suddenly attracted to each other even more as Beast Boy's genitals were being crushed between.

Marie was starting to think this was going too far. Beast Boy was in real pain…(A.N.: Well, duh!!!) The others were laughing, all except Terra, who looked like she wanted to rip Raven's glowing eyes out. She was mumbling imprecations under her breath and clenching her fists.

Marie put a hand on Raven's shoulder and tried to pull her away, but Terra intervened and launched herself at Raven, like a malicious, platinum-furred cat striking down it's sleek, dark-feathered prey.

They were engaged in a nasty little fray, Terra using her nails, powers, brute strength, and dirty mouth; Raven using her powers, emotions, and martial arts dexterity.

Beast Boy was released from the fridge as Raven lost her control over him and was flung against the wall. He and the others watched in awe as the two clobbered each other.

Raven blasted the left lens in Terra's goggles, sending shards of plexiglass shattering on the blonde's face. Terra screamed as a piece sharp as a razor slit across her nose. Curses were being thrown as if she were spitting fire from her mouth.

Raven ignored the words and started chanting her own, "Azarath, Metrion, ZINTHOS!" The sofa came flying across the room and collided with Terra's arched back.

Terra broke off a piece of the wall and hurled it at Raven, who, in turn, blocked it with the plasma screen TV. Cyborg came in, saw what had happened to his high-tech gadget, and whimpered. Raven was about to knock Terra out with the coffee table when Robin shouted, "TITANS! THAT'S ENOUGH!!! BOTH OF YOU UP TO YOUR ROOMS!!! NOW!!!"

Raven became another murky contour and stealthily moved upstairs without a word of protest. Terra was indifferent to reasoning.

"THE BITCH! SHE WAS TRYING TO HURT BEAST BOY!! WHY DO I GET SENT TO MY ROOM WHEN I WAS TRYING TO STOP THE DEVIL?!" She was fuming like a furnace, but Robin showed no favoritism, and pointed to the stairs. Terra stomped off, the steam still spouting from her nostrils and ears.

"Maybe now would be the time for me to take my shower…" Marie murmured, still dazed by the brawl.

And she left the other four standing in a war-torn living room.

*******

A.N.: Yes, I know Robin's a jackass for not Raven finish whipping Terra's butt, and yes, I know that what Raven did was sick beyond imagination, and NO I know no reviewers who have REVIEWED this chapter!!!

I-NEED-FEEDBACK-PEOPLE!!! TELLLLLL MEEEE SOMMMMEEETHIINNGGG!!! AANNNNYYYTHINNNGG!!! Pretty please with a cherry on top of layers of endless chocolatey fudge and vanilla ice cream? Thank you for hearing me out.

Technically, if you translate L'ail A Bourré des Moules back into English, it would read the garlic stuffed with grind, so it should really be, "L'ail A Bourré des Mollusques."

If anyone's interested in the recipe, (which I doubt) here it is. I had to modify it to fit all seven of the Titans…

Garlic Stuffed Mussels

Serves 7

Ingredients:

6 lb. Fresh mussels

19.5 oz butter

7 cloves of garlic-crushed

3.5 oz fine white breadcrumbs

Chopped parsley

1 ¾ lemons

Method:

Prepare and open mussels.

Remove the top shell from each mussel and arrange the bottom shell and flesh in a dish.

Melt the butter, add crushed garlic, parsley and lemon juice.

Pour over the mussels.

Sprinkle fine white breadcrumbs on top and grill until golden brown.

Oh yeah, next chapter, Marie takes her shower, and Robin explains this "Thing" that he mentioned at dinner.

Go no farther, stranger, until you REVIEW my godforsaken story!!! PLEASE!!!??? I'm be-he-gginnnggg!!!! You can pelt me with my Panamanian Cocoa beans all you like! I'm just DYING for feedback!!!

Peace out ppl.