Chapter 9
"I'm not strong enough," Dan spoke with an intensity that was all his own. It was familiar, as if his deep penetrating look belonged in a chest she had locked away and tried to forget. Karen could remember a time when he would look to her for support, look to her for answers, really. But that was back when he was her world and she would do anything to help him.
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you used to captivate me
by your resonating life
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There was still a part of Danny in him. She could tell from his voice, his demeanor, his everything. Uncharacteristically, she groped for the words as his concentrated glare bore down on her, searching. For what, she wondered briefly.
And then the familiarity of that intense look took on a new face. Lucas. The look of simple need and redemption he would so often sport when the topic of his "father" was broached; the searching expression that encased his features begging her for answers to an impossible question. Why had he not chosen them?
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now I'm bound by the life you left behind
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It was Dan's, she realized. The look – it was a look of pain and daring patented by his father. He caused it in so many ways – genetically, causally, emotionally. Her face hardened slightly at the hurt she felt for her son. It was hard to support the man before her knowing all of his transgressions. It was difficult to admit that she still wanted what was best for him, even after all these years and misgivings. It felt like a betrayal to the one person that was her world.
She finally looked down at her hands, away from Dan's stare. "You might not believe this," she breathed, "but I wish I could help you, Dan." It was a forced confession; true nonetheless. "But these faults," she continued, "these mistakes you've made and are still making," she drew the words out for every ounce of their meaning, "you need to reconcile them with Nathan, with Deb." She looked back up into his profound watch. "With yourself."
It wasn't much, but it was all she had to offer to the broken man before him.
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Deb stood alone in her fortress of a house. She would say home, but she wasn't quite sure if the Scott residence qualified for that title. It was still dark, except for a few candles she scattered through the dining room. She sat at her end of the table, looking around at all she had to offer for her years in Tree Hill. The pictures of Nathan littered the walls and mantles. She smiled briefly. He was enough. He was enough to tie her to these roots. That was never a question no matter how Dan tried to twist the truths.
Dan. She sighed, standing up and approaching a picture of the two of them. She reached for it, taking it down from the wall. He had been a fantasy back in her college years, or perhaps year would be a more accurate description. He was beautiful and full of life. Full of a lot of things, she smirked, but she couldn't forget how charming he had been that first day they met on campus. He smiled and she forgot how nervous she was to be away from everything and everyone she was used to. There was still some of that charm left in him, she observed still holding onto the picture. Maybe, she smiled slightly, maybe they could work it out. Maybe they had a chance.
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your face it haunts
my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away
all the sanity in me
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The whisper of a thought floated away, out towards the still raging storm. There was no way it would survive.
There was no chance, she told herself, feeling the fury bubble back up inside of her. Nathan was too important for her to gamble with chance. She laid the photo forcibly to rest facedown on the mantle.
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these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
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Years of abuse could not be forgotten. Years of letting it happen would not be repeated, she convinced herself. She summoned all of the strength within her to hold steadfast in her conviction. She just hoped that it wasn't too late.