Authors Note – Still grovelling, sorry, sorry, sorry!!! Ok I'm updating it
a lot quite quickly to absolve me of my serious sin of forgetting about it
for so long!! Ok thank yous to melbo18, jayjay015, moongoddess86 and
TeacherTam! You guys are great!! And especially thanks to TeacherTam for
letting me know someone is still reading it!! Ok on with the pain misery
and depression!! Oh and btw yeah it is all illegal,. Infringement of
copyright, but hey! It's still fun!! ;)! Oh and despite sounding obsessive
feedback...please, pretty please, with a cherry on top!!
Disclaimer – Christa came to me, she is mine, my own, my precious! But the rest of it isn't so don't sue me for having fun! Well technically I can't be sued because I'm a minor so don't be mad at me big rich movie owning people!! : ) Please!
Chapter 7
'After you left to come here, she came back.' Christa spoke slowly, quietly but this did nothing to hide the emotion behind her words. She sounded so bitter even Johnny was shocked. He was about to say something, anything to make her feel better but she simply sat down on the other side of the bed and continued staring at him intensely.
'I was still staying with Mary, just like you told me to, but it was boring Billy had gone to join you and I didn't have many friends, I've never been very good at making friends. Life wasn't great, but it was working out, I met a couple of people at High School who didn't know about her.' Christa winced as she said the last few words even now she couldn't bring herself to call her mother anything other than 'her'. She knew never had but to her it hurt every time she heard the word in her mind or on someone else's lips.
'Ok so I lied, I said my mother was dead, am I that bad a person for not wanting to relive the past every time I have to tell someone the story? Is that wrong? Things were getting better, I was getting good grades people may have not liked me but they still spoke to me occasionally and nearly had some friends. I was as happy as I had been ...for years. Then she came back. She came back and she brought them.' Johnny was trying not to interrupt her, trying not to demand who 'they' were, trying to control the wave of anger that always flowed over him at the mention of her, his mother. Christa could see he wanted to talk, to demand answers so she hurried on with her story, she had never liked making a drama out of a situation.
'We were at home when it happened, Aunt Mary and me, drinking tea, mine had too much sugar in. Funny how you remember little things like that when I can't even remember what day it was when she turned up. We knew something was wrong when we heard a car pull up outside the door; you don't drive cars down that road, and really don't leave them there. I guess she remembered that because as smoothly, and quickly as it had come we heard it pull off into the distance. I guess we just assumed that someone rich had got lost, you could tell from the sound of it the car was big, big and in an excellent state of repair, so we assumed it was someone rich. Then the doorbell rang. We both jumped. I can remember that. We both started and looked at each other. Then Mary got up, she went to the door and opened it, no ceremony, just pulled it open.' Christa took a deep breath, she closed her eyes for a second as she fought with the memories, tried to stop them engulfing her. As she opened them, she continued speaking, only this time she spoke in a tone with no emotion, no warmth or expressiveness. It was as though she were reciting a lecture instead of describing her life story.
'There was a man outside' she continued. 'A man in a suit, I thought he was a bailiff or a tax man or someone else coming to take away our possessions or the house or anything.' She let out a harsh sound, almost unrecognisable as a laugh. 'I guess she did come to take away something but I was too stupid to realise that. The man was just standing still, exuding confidence. He said nothing and did not move an inch, just stood there on our doorstep, perfectly still. The silence must have lasted at least a minute as we sized him up, tried to understand what department he worked for and thought up lies to avoid having to give him anything. You know how it was Johnny, we thought he had come for the house so I guess we didn't exactly welcoming him with open arms.
Then she appeared, dressed like a supermodel, wearing sunglasses even though it was the middle of October. I recognised her straight away even though her hair was blonde, and she was wearing heavy make-up. She was standing beside the man; her arm resting on his and on her face was a smile. I mean it she was really smiling, expecting me to welcome her. I swear I would have fallen over if Mary had not grasped hold of me when I started to sway dangerously. My mother had returned, and she expected me to be happy.' As she continued her story, a tear trickled down her cheek, but her voice remained as emotionless as before as though she believed that if she wished hard enough it wouldn't hurt her anymore.
' "Christa darling, look who's back" that's what she said Johnny, she went out of my life for nine years and she treated it as though she had been gone a few hours, just a few damn hours. Mary spoke first, I just couldn't, the words refused to come out of my mouth, I think I was in shock because my brain just stopped functioning. I don't remember what Mary said but I remember that she laughed, the same laugh I heard the night she left. "What the hell are you doing here?" I practically yelled at her, I don't have an excuse, I yelled, I was mad, and at the minute I could have killed her. I expected her to scream at me or slap me, I think I wanted her to but she just smiled at me. "I have a surprise for you darling" she said and then called out "Jackson, Ruby, Lily come here". It was then that I noticed the children playing a game on the pavement; there was three of them. They ran up to her and stood in front of her, the youngest girl even grabbed on to her mothers skirt. She was smiling, their mother, smiling and saying to them "Here's your big sister, Go and say hello" It hurt Johnny, she never let me touch her skirts, she never smiled that way at me when I was little. Her smiles were full of love and pride for her children, I've never seen her look like that, never.' Christa stopped and Johnny let out his breath, he realised that there was more to this story but he knew that to Christa their mother's pride of her other children was just too painful. He had known the small girl who followed her mother around everywhere, had done anything for a word of approval and had tried everything to make her mother smile at her in that way. As he thought about what his sister was telling him, he realised for the first time in his life he was beginning to understand his mother. She hadn't deliberately hurt Christa, she was just overwhelmingly selfish, and Christa had only been an inconvenience. She had never understood that Christa followed her out of an overpowering love, she merely thought about how it got in her way when she was trying to work. His face blackened, Oh yes his mother had worked all right, worked real hard. But that was a long time ago he reminded himself.
Christa sensed the turmoil in her brother and moved nearer to him on the bed. She picked up his hand with both of her's; they sat in silence until Johnny spoke.
'You're not finished' he said but it was a statement not a question. Christa sighed and started to retell her tale, keeping his hand clasped in her own two hands.
' Well they said hello, all three of them and then I guess they were invited in. Maybe they weren't but they came in anyway, we sat and made difficult small talk over a cup of tea. What can you say to the mother who abandoned you for nine years? She told me was her new husband, they had met after she had left us, or should I say 'changed direction in her life' which was how she put it. I didn't point out that it was lucky I millionaire had met and fallen in love with her, It may have been the bitterness but to me it seemed obvious they didn't love each other. She spoke for hours telling us all about her life, but all I kept thinking about was how she didn't love that man. She didn't Johnny I just know she didn't, but she loved him more than me obviously. She never called or wrote, never told me anything and then she expected me to not be bitter.' Christa stood up again; she had always had to move around when she was concentrating, she used to laugh and say it helped her think but she wasn't laughing now. The tension was clear in her face and body as she paced the short length of the room.
'I was quiet all the time she spoke I listened but said nothing, but then she started talking about plans for the future and she told me she I was going to move to Indiana with her, she needed help looking after the kids. I lost it, I started to yell, all the pain and the hurt and the tears from so many years welled up inside me and I just started to scream at her. Mary took the kids out of the room and I'm glad I guess, I wasn't really being nice to their beloved mother and ten years ago what I did what have upset me.
"You want to see me now, you need me for something so you want me now. For Christ's sake woman you walked out on me nearly ten years ago and never even called. I was a child, I idolised you and you never even bothered to write me a letter." I screamed at her, standing up, shouting at the top of my voice.
"I loved you, I forgave you, I even cried for you but it's taken this long for you to come back. What do you think it did to Johnny he was only seventeen? And you want me to come back and look after your brats. You just spent hours telling me you never realised how wonderful it was to have children. I AM YOUR CHILD! Wasn't I wonderful enough for you?"
"Crystal, calm down, it was a long time ago and I've moved on and you really should too." She said trying to calm me down, but I knew she was trying to prevent me dragging up her sordid past and I was so angry. I tried to slap her, I lunged forward but the man stopped me. I had completely forgotten he was even in the room.
"How dare you talk to your mother like that! And try to hit her, she looked after you, fed you and was good to you despite having so little money, she left you in the care of her trusted friend to be looked after until she could come and get you. You ungrateful little child" he spat the last words at me his face inches from my own. I laughed at him, in his face and started to sing like a bird. I no longer shouted but spoke quietly I was beyond shouting, beyond violence, I gave in to the terrible urge to cause the pain I felt for other people.
"Oh we had money, lots of it, you should have seen some of her fine dresses. Feeding her children wasn't as important as looking nice, but then again it was an important part of her job" my mother looked at me furiously, I knew at that moment I knew if I continued I would lose her forever.
"Didn't she tell you she was a prostitute? A common whore? Offering herself to anyone and everyone who came to the house. Yes that's my good kind respectable mother, the women who abandoned her family when she was over $6000 dollars in debt. Has she told you about her son? He was beaten every week for two years because of the money she wasted, every single week. She left when I was seven, left to find herself a millionaire so she could have everything she wanted. I didn't think she would find one stupid enough to take a piece of trash like her but I was obviously wrong! Did she tell you she was pregnant, that the kid was yours, is that how she got you?" She slapped me then, and threw me out of the house. It wasn't even her house but I knew I had blown it. I had nothing and no-one, I was lost and what was worse I was already regretting some of the things I had said even if they were all true.'
Christa sank down on the bed, exhausted by the violent emotions waiting for Johnny to reply. She hadn't wanted to remind of the times they had both preferred to forget but he had insisted. He moved over her and gently pushed back her hair and lightly traced a finger over the healing bruises on her face.
'Christa where did you get these? Mother didn't do them, you've not told me everything.' Christa turned away from him and wrapped her arms around her knees.
'Dammit Johnny, that's my problem, I told you everything that I'm gonna tell you, everything that you need to know, now for god's sake leave me alone, I made my mistakes and I will sort them out. Just leave it.'
He didn't know what worried him more the tragic tale she had just told him or the even more tragic tale that was yet to be revealed. He could tell from her defensive position and tired face that he wasn't going to find out today.
'Go to sleep Christa, it's been a long day' he said and he kissed her on the forehead and walked out of the room, leaving christa to the quiet solace of her tears.
Disclaimer – Christa came to me, she is mine, my own, my precious! But the rest of it isn't so don't sue me for having fun! Well technically I can't be sued because I'm a minor so don't be mad at me big rich movie owning people!! : ) Please!
Chapter 7
'After you left to come here, she came back.' Christa spoke slowly, quietly but this did nothing to hide the emotion behind her words. She sounded so bitter even Johnny was shocked. He was about to say something, anything to make her feel better but she simply sat down on the other side of the bed and continued staring at him intensely.
'I was still staying with Mary, just like you told me to, but it was boring Billy had gone to join you and I didn't have many friends, I've never been very good at making friends. Life wasn't great, but it was working out, I met a couple of people at High School who didn't know about her.' Christa winced as she said the last few words even now she couldn't bring herself to call her mother anything other than 'her'. She knew never had but to her it hurt every time she heard the word in her mind or on someone else's lips.
'Ok so I lied, I said my mother was dead, am I that bad a person for not wanting to relive the past every time I have to tell someone the story? Is that wrong? Things were getting better, I was getting good grades people may have not liked me but they still spoke to me occasionally and nearly had some friends. I was as happy as I had been ...for years. Then she came back. She came back and she brought them.' Johnny was trying not to interrupt her, trying not to demand who 'they' were, trying to control the wave of anger that always flowed over him at the mention of her, his mother. Christa could see he wanted to talk, to demand answers so she hurried on with her story, she had never liked making a drama out of a situation.
'We were at home when it happened, Aunt Mary and me, drinking tea, mine had too much sugar in. Funny how you remember little things like that when I can't even remember what day it was when she turned up. We knew something was wrong when we heard a car pull up outside the door; you don't drive cars down that road, and really don't leave them there. I guess she remembered that because as smoothly, and quickly as it had come we heard it pull off into the distance. I guess we just assumed that someone rich had got lost, you could tell from the sound of it the car was big, big and in an excellent state of repair, so we assumed it was someone rich. Then the doorbell rang. We both jumped. I can remember that. We both started and looked at each other. Then Mary got up, she went to the door and opened it, no ceremony, just pulled it open.' Christa took a deep breath, she closed her eyes for a second as she fought with the memories, tried to stop them engulfing her. As she opened them, she continued speaking, only this time she spoke in a tone with no emotion, no warmth or expressiveness. It was as though she were reciting a lecture instead of describing her life story.
'There was a man outside' she continued. 'A man in a suit, I thought he was a bailiff or a tax man or someone else coming to take away our possessions or the house or anything.' She let out a harsh sound, almost unrecognisable as a laugh. 'I guess she did come to take away something but I was too stupid to realise that. The man was just standing still, exuding confidence. He said nothing and did not move an inch, just stood there on our doorstep, perfectly still. The silence must have lasted at least a minute as we sized him up, tried to understand what department he worked for and thought up lies to avoid having to give him anything. You know how it was Johnny, we thought he had come for the house so I guess we didn't exactly welcoming him with open arms.
Then she appeared, dressed like a supermodel, wearing sunglasses even though it was the middle of October. I recognised her straight away even though her hair was blonde, and she was wearing heavy make-up. She was standing beside the man; her arm resting on his and on her face was a smile. I mean it she was really smiling, expecting me to welcome her. I swear I would have fallen over if Mary had not grasped hold of me when I started to sway dangerously. My mother had returned, and she expected me to be happy.' As she continued her story, a tear trickled down her cheek, but her voice remained as emotionless as before as though she believed that if she wished hard enough it wouldn't hurt her anymore.
' "Christa darling, look who's back" that's what she said Johnny, she went out of my life for nine years and she treated it as though she had been gone a few hours, just a few damn hours. Mary spoke first, I just couldn't, the words refused to come out of my mouth, I think I was in shock because my brain just stopped functioning. I don't remember what Mary said but I remember that she laughed, the same laugh I heard the night she left. "What the hell are you doing here?" I practically yelled at her, I don't have an excuse, I yelled, I was mad, and at the minute I could have killed her. I expected her to scream at me or slap me, I think I wanted her to but she just smiled at me. "I have a surprise for you darling" she said and then called out "Jackson, Ruby, Lily come here". It was then that I noticed the children playing a game on the pavement; there was three of them. They ran up to her and stood in front of her, the youngest girl even grabbed on to her mothers skirt. She was smiling, their mother, smiling and saying to them "Here's your big sister, Go and say hello" It hurt Johnny, she never let me touch her skirts, she never smiled that way at me when I was little. Her smiles were full of love and pride for her children, I've never seen her look like that, never.' Christa stopped and Johnny let out his breath, he realised that there was more to this story but he knew that to Christa their mother's pride of her other children was just too painful. He had known the small girl who followed her mother around everywhere, had done anything for a word of approval and had tried everything to make her mother smile at her in that way. As he thought about what his sister was telling him, he realised for the first time in his life he was beginning to understand his mother. She hadn't deliberately hurt Christa, she was just overwhelmingly selfish, and Christa had only been an inconvenience. She had never understood that Christa followed her out of an overpowering love, she merely thought about how it got in her way when she was trying to work. His face blackened, Oh yes his mother had worked all right, worked real hard. But that was a long time ago he reminded himself.
Christa sensed the turmoil in her brother and moved nearer to him on the bed. She picked up his hand with both of her's; they sat in silence until Johnny spoke.
'You're not finished' he said but it was a statement not a question. Christa sighed and started to retell her tale, keeping his hand clasped in her own two hands.
' Well they said hello, all three of them and then I guess they were invited in. Maybe they weren't but they came in anyway, we sat and made difficult small talk over a cup of tea. What can you say to the mother who abandoned you for nine years? She told me was her new husband, they had met after she had left us, or should I say 'changed direction in her life' which was how she put it. I didn't point out that it was lucky I millionaire had met and fallen in love with her, It may have been the bitterness but to me it seemed obvious they didn't love each other. She spoke for hours telling us all about her life, but all I kept thinking about was how she didn't love that man. She didn't Johnny I just know she didn't, but she loved him more than me obviously. She never called or wrote, never told me anything and then she expected me to not be bitter.' Christa stood up again; she had always had to move around when she was concentrating, she used to laugh and say it helped her think but she wasn't laughing now. The tension was clear in her face and body as she paced the short length of the room.
'I was quiet all the time she spoke I listened but said nothing, but then she started talking about plans for the future and she told me she I was going to move to Indiana with her, she needed help looking after the kids. I lost it, I started to yell, all the pain and the hurt and the tears from so many years welled up inside me and I just started to scream at her. Mary took the kids out of the room and I'm glad I guess, I wasn't really being nice to their beloved mother and ten years ago what I did what have upset me.
"You want to see me now, you need me for something so you want me now. For Christ's sake woman you walked out on me nearly ten years ago and never even called. I was a child, I idolised you and you never even bothered to write me a letter." I screamed at her, standing up, shouting at the top of my voice.
"I loved you, I forgave you, I even cried for you but it's taken this long for you to come back. What do you think it did to Johnny he was only seventeen? And you want me to come back and look after your brats. You just spent hours telling me you never realised how wonderful it was to have children. I AM YOUR CHILD! Wasn't I wonderful enough for you?"
"Crystal, calm down, it was a long time ago and I've moved on and you really should too." She said trying to calm me down, but I knew she was trying to prevent me dragging up her sordid past and I was so angry. I tried to slap her, I lunged forward but the man stopped me. I had completely forgotten he was even in the room.
"How dare you talk to your mother like that! And try to hit her, she looked after you, fed you and was good to you despite having so little money, she left you in the care of her trusted friend to be looked after until she could come and get you. You ungrateful little child" he spat the last words at me his face inches from my own. I laughed at him, in his face and started to sing like a bird. I no longer shouted but spoke quietly I was beyond shouting, beyond violence, I gave in to the terrible urge to cause the pain I felt for other people.
"Oh we had money, lots of it, you should have seen some of her fine dresses. Feeding her children wasn't as important as looking nice, but then again it was an important part of her job" my mother looked at me furiously, I knew at that moment I knew if I continued I would lose her forever.
"Didn't she tell you she was a prostitute? A common whore? Offering herself to anyone and everyone who came to the house. Yes that's my good kind respectable mother, the women who abandoned her family when she was over $6000 dollars in debt. Has she told you about her son? He was beaten every week for two years because of the money she wasted, every single week. She left when I was seven, left to find herself a millionaire so she could have everything she wanted. I didn't think she would find one stupid enough to take a piece of trash like her but I was obviously wrong! Did she tell you she was pregnant, that the kid was yours, is that how she got you?" She slapped me then, and threw me out of the house. It wasn't even her house but I knew I had blown it. I had nothing and no-one, I was lost and what was worse I was already regretting some of the things I had said even if they were all true.'
Christa sank down on the bed, exhausted by the violent emotions waiting for Johnny to reply. She hadn't wanted to remind of the times they had both preferred to forget but he had insisted. He moved over her and gently pushed back her hair and lightly traced a finger over the healing bruises on her face.
'Christa where did you get these? Mother didn't do them, you've not told me everything.' Christa turned away from him and wrapped her arms around her knees.
'Dammit Johnny, that's my problem, I told you everything that I'm gonna tell you, everything that you need to know, now for god's sake leave me alone, I made my mistakes and I will sort them out. Just leave it.'
He didn't know what worried him more the tragic tale she had just told him or the even more tragic tale that was yet to be revealed. He could tell from her defensive position and tired face that he wasn't going to find out today.
'Go to sleep Christa, it's been a long day' he said and he kissed her on the forehead and walked out of the room, leaving christa to the quiet solace of her tears.