I needed a cigarette. I needed a lot more than that, but this was the only thing I could get right now.
"You've been checking that mirror a lot," noticed Merle. Like I said, he was no fool.
I told him about the car, watching his face as I did. He looked as worried as I was. I lit my cigarette and went out for some air. My brain was overheating, so I paused and let it cool down a bit, preparing for the final mind-sprint. I couldn't tell whether Merle was doing the same. I could never tell. He was an amberite, after all. I stomped on the cigarette and let my mind loose again. Julia was supposed to be just waiting for Merle. She was supposed to give him the Trumps. No one needed her death - unless she did something stupid. Stupid or not, I felt guilty. I shouldn't have left her like that.
"Shit!" I commented. "This is getting too involved. I knew Julia was seeing Melman, okay? I went to see her the night after I'd seen him, okay? I even delivered a small parcel he'd asked me to take her, okay?"
"Cards," he confirmed, showing me Trumps of Doom.
"Those cards," I acknowledged. My plan involved deaths. Lots of deaths. But not my friends'. Julia didn't deserve this. Merle didn't deserve this.
"You still liked her, didn't you?"
"Yes, I guess I did."
I was afraid he would say so. There were no emotions in his voice. Just determination. And I sincerely hoped that my mother had nothing to do with Julia's death. Having your friend after your mother is no fun. Aside for grieving, I still had to decide what to do next. Melman's death, the car following us... I had a feeling that someone had made a false start while referee was looking the other way. My chances of winning decreased significantly because of this. Why not start a new game instead? Shift the odds in my favor, get myself an ally... temporary ally.
"Oh, hell... All right. There are some things I'm going to have to tell you, old buddy. Not all of them nice. Give me just a minute to sort it all out. You've just given me one big problem - or I've given it to myself, because I've just decided something."
Naturally, I couldn't tell him everything. But I could tell him what he deserved to know. Now if only I could separate these... Second thoughts started creeping inside. Why was I so sure he would side with me in this one? I had tried to kill him after all, more than once, and even now I wasn't going to be completely sincere with him. While part of my brain kept working on this, there were other things to take care about. "Okay. First, give me those cards."
"Why?"
"I'm going to tear them into confetti."
I couldn't take any chances. Whoever killed Julia probably noticed the Trumps, and right now the ambush could be waiting at their destination point.
"The hell you are. Why?"
"They're dangerous."
"I already know that. I'll hang onto them."
"You don't understand."
"So explain."
Damn amberite stubbornness. I completely forgot about it. I was getting irritated, and, being my mirror, so was he.
"It's not that easy. I have to decide what to tell you and what not to."
"Why not just tell me everything?"
"I can't. Believe me-"
We were about to start yelling at each other, but it didn't come to this. A gunshot boomed from the darkness, and Merle hit the dirt in a blink of an eye. Smart guy. I wasn't that smart. I was tired of all these mysteries, unplanned deaths, midnight pursuits. So, as insane as it might sound, I just ran blindly towards the shooter, like some kind of... Corwin. I wasn't completely suicidal, though. I had my gun, and my zig-zags saved my life twice. I shot as soon as I saw the silhouette, and missed, because I was out of breath. He shot almost the same moment, and missed, because I was still moving. I stopped and pointed my gun at his chest. He did the same. For a brief moment - just about one lifetime - we were just standing, looking into each other's eyes. I think I saw something like a... desperation in his.
I was the first one to snap back to reality. I shot him. He gasped. I shot again, and he fell to the ground. There was something theatrical about it. As if he simply decided to lie down and get some sleep. Merle was running my way already, holding something in his hand. As he got closer, I saw what his "weapon" was. Going with a rock against firearm? Looks like I'm not the only one insane here. As I was turning the body over, I already knew what I was going to see. Someone I had never met before. And... something I had never met before. Some strange blue cloud emerged from his mouth and quickly drifted away.
"What the hell was that?"
"You saw it, too? I don't know."
He wasn't lying. He was as shocked as me. Not that his lack of information was good news, but I felt elation. Not for long. A cold thought slipped through - it could be another assasination attempt. That would explain man's hesitation - I wasn't his target.
"I didn't know you carried a gun," Merle interrupted my train of thought. I supressed a chuckle. Of all the things to ask...
"When you're on the road as much as I am, you go heeled. I pick up a new one in each city I hit and sell it when I leave. Airline security. Guess I won't be selling this one."
Then I answered the question he was supposed to ask in the first place.
"I never saw this guy, Merle. You?"
"That's Dan Martinez, the man I was telling you about."
"Oh, boy. Another damn complication. Maybe I should just join a Zen monastery someplace and persuade myself it doesn't matter. I-"
I told myself to shut up. I talk too much when I panic. Zen sounded good, though. I could have told him everything. But it was hard to predict which side would he choose. I imagined myself in a shootout with blue clouds, and Merle behind my back, trying to decide whether he should kill me or assist me. Gulp. Well, if he isn't playing... gotta get him away from the playground.
"Merle, the keys are in the ignition. Get in the car and drive back to the hotel right away. Leave me here. Hurry!"
Please, Merle, be a good boy, do as you're told for once... I need to inspect the body.
"What's going on? What-"
Damn you, Merle! You want to help. You still think we are friends. Have we ever been? Lying to each other all the time, pretending to be who we were not. Two distorting, caricaturing mirrors. I was so irritated it was almost easy to point a gun at him. Almost.
"Now! Shut up and go!"
Even if it was a lie, our friendship was one of the few good things in my life. I was about to ruin it, and hated myself for it. I hated my father, for making my life so damn paradoxal. And I wanted Merle to hate me. But he didn't. In his eyes, I only saw myself, gun pointed at him, anger on my face.
"But-"
He didn't believe that I was capable of shooting him. He was right. But I couldn't let him know that. I had to make him see that I wasn't the guy he had known all these years. It was unmasking time.
I lowered the gun and shot the ground. It would be much more effective to shoot him in the arm or somewhere else non-lethal, but I couldn't make myself hurt him just like that. Maybe that's what friendship is about. Maybe we were friends after all.
"Merlin, son of Corwin," I hissed, "if you don't start running right now you're a dead man!"
I expected him to back away slowly, waiting for me to change my mind. To apologize. He surprised me once again. I'd never thought my wagon could go that fast. Something was wrong. Amberites don't run like hell just because you have a gun. There was only one explanation to why he was in such haste. He wanted to return as soon as possible. Why are you doing this, Merle? You know I have a gun. You know I'm not who you though I am. I won't be able to shoot you, but that you don't know. Did this little cloud make you so suicidally-curious? Or are you foolish enough to think you can help me - even though you know nothing about my troubles?
I wanted to ask him these questions, but couldn't afford that. I was the one armed, and I was the one who had to retreat. I took Martinez' body and concentrated on the trump in my hand.
So much for baby seal.
"You've been checking that mirror a lot," noticed Merle. Like I said, he was no fool.
I told him about the car, watching his face as I did. He looked as worried as I was. I lit my cigarette and went out for some air. My brain was overheating, so I paused and let it cool down a bit, preparing for the final mind-sprint. I couldn't tell whether Merle was doing the same. I could never tell. He was an amberite, after all. I stomped on the cigarette and let my mind loose again. Julia was supposed to be just waiting for Merle. She was supposed to give him the Trumps. No one needed her death - unless she did something stupid. Stupid or not, I felt guilty. I shouldn't have left her like that.
"Shit!" I commented. "This is getting too involved. I knew Julia was seeing Melman, okay? I went to see her the night after I'd seen him, okay? I even delivered a small parcel he'd asked me to take her, okay?"
"Cards," he confirmed, showing me Trumps of Doom.
"Those cards," I acknowledged. My plan involved deaths. Lots of deaths. But not my friends'. Julia didn't deserve this. Merle didn't deserve this.
"You still liked her, didn't you?"
"Yes, I guess I did."
I was afraid he would say so. There were no emotions in his voice. Just determination. And I sincerely hoped that my mother had nothing to do with Julia's death. Having your friend after your mother is no fun. Aside for grieving, I still had to decide what to do next. Melman's death, the car following us... I had a feeling that someone had made a false start while referee was looking the other way. My chances of winning decreased significantly because of this. Why not start a new game instead? Shift the odds in my favor, get myself an ally... temporary ally.
"Oh, hell... All right. There are some things I'm going to have to tell you, old buddy. Not all of them nice. Give me just a minute to sort it all out. You've just given me one big problem - or I've given it to myself, because I've just decided something."
Naturally, I couldn't tell him everything. But I could tell him what he deserved to know. Now if only I could separate these... Second thoughts started creeping inside. Why was I so sure he would side with me in this one? I had tried to kill him after all, more than once, and even now I wasn't going to be completely sincere with him. While part of my brain kept working on this, there were other things to take care about. "Okay. First, give me those cards."
"Why?"
"I'm going to tear them into confetti."
I couldn't take any chances. Whoever killed Julia probably noticed the Trumps, and right now the ambush could be waiting at their destination point.
"The hell you are. Why?"
"They're dangerous."
"I already know that. I'll hang onto them."
"You don't understand."
"So explain."
Damn amberite stubbornness. I completely forgot about it. I was getting irritated, and, being my mirror, so was he.
"It's not that easy. I have to decide what to tell you and what not to."
"Why not just tell me everything?"
"I can't. Believe me-"
We were about to start yelling at each other, but it didn't come to this. A gunshot boomed from the darkness, and Merle hit the dirt in a blink of an eye. Smart guy. I wasn't that smart. I was tired of all these mysteries, unplanned deaths, midnight pursuits. So, as insane as it might sound, I just ran blindly towards the shooter, like some kind of... Corwin. I wasn't completely suicidal, though. I had my gun, and my zig-zags saved my life twice. I shot as soon as I saw the silhouette, and missed, because I was out of breath. He shot almost the same moment, and missed, because I was still moving. I stopped and pointed my gun at his chest. He did the same. For a brief moment - just about one lifetime - we were just standing, looking into each other's eyes. I think I saw something like a... desperation in his.
I was the first one to snap back to reality. I shot him. He gasped. I shot again, and he fell to the ground. There was something theatrical about it. As if he simply decided to lie down and get some sleep. Merle was running my way already, holding something in his hand. As he got closer, I saw what his "weapon" was. Going with a rock against firearm? Looks like I'm not the only one insane here. As I was turning the body over, I already knew what I was going to see. Someone I had never met before. And... something I had never met before. Some strange blue cloud emerged from his mouth and quickly drifted away.
"What the hell was that?"
"You saw it, too? I don't know."
He wasn't lying. He was as shocked as me. Not that his lack of information was good news, but I felt elation. Not for long. A cold thought slipped through - it could be another assasination attempt. That would explain man's hesitation - I wasn't his target.
"I didn't know you carried a gun," Merle interrupted my train of thought. I supressed a chuckle. Of all the things to ask...
"When you're on the road as much as I am, you go heeled. I pick up a new one in each city I hit and sell it when I leave. Airline security. Guess I won't be selling this one."
Then I answered the question he was supposed to ask in the first place.
"I never saw this guy, Merle. You?"
"That's Dan Martinez, the man I was telling you about."
"Oh, boy. Another damn complication. Maybe I should just join a Zen monastery someplace and persuade myself it doesn't matter. I-"
I told myself to shut up. I talk too much when I panic. Zen sounded good, though. I could have told him everything. But it was hard to predict which side would he choose. I imagined myself in a shootout with blue clouds, and Merle behind my back, trying to decide whether he should kill me or assist me. Gulp. Well, if he isn't playing... gotta get him away from the playground.
"Merle, the keys are in the ignition. Get in the car and drive back to the hotel right away. Leave me here. Hurry!"
Please, Merle, be a good boy, do as you're told for once... I need to inspect the body.
"What's going on? What-"
Damn you, Merle! You want to help. You still think we are friends. Have we ever been? Lying to each other all the time, pretending to be who we were not. Two distorting, caricaturing mirrors. I was so irritated it was almost easy to point a gun at him. Almost.
"Now! Shut up and go!"
Even if it was a lie, our friendship was one of the few good things in my life. I was about to ruin it, and hated myself for it. I hated my father, for making my life so damn paradoxal. And I wanted Merle to hate me. But he didn't. In his eyes, I only saw myself, gun pointed at him, anger on my face.
"But-"
He didn't believe that I was capable of shooting him. He was right. But I couldn't let him know that. I had to make him see that I wasn't the guy he had known all these years. It was unmasking time.
I lowered the gun and shot the ground. It would be much more effective to shoot him in the arm or somewhere else non-lethal, but I couldn't make myself hurt him just like that. Maybe that's what friendship is about. Maybe we were friends after all.
"Merlin, son of Corwin," I hissed, "if you don't start running right now you're a dead man!"
I expected him to back away slowly, waiting for me to change my mind. To apologize. He surprised me once again. I'd never thought my wagon could go that fast. Something was wrong. Amberites don't run like hell just because you have a gun. There was only one explanation to why he was in such haste. He wanted to return as soon as possible. Why are you doing this, Merle? You know I have a gun. You know I'm not who you though I am. I won't be able to shoot you, but that you don't know. Did this little cloud make you so suicidally-curious? Or are you foolish enough to think you can help me - even though you know nothing about my troubles?
I wanted to ask him these questions, but couldn't afford that. I was the one armed, and I was the one who had to retreat. I took Martinez' body and concentrated on the trump in my hand.
So much for baby seal.