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Chapter 25: Honesty.. Mostly What I Need to Hear From You
"What are you troubling you Hermione?" Remus sat slowly replacing Liam's previous seat. He could feel her worry in his heart and in his palms as she wrung her hands nervously. He was already feeling the subtle connections which bound them, a strong desire which compelled him to look after her.
She poured him a cup of tea slowly. It was a ritual that calmed her, serving a guest tea. It also helped her to steal a few more moments of quiet silence before she had to address her longtime friend. "I don't really know where to begin." She almost stuttered as she carefully chose her next words. "You should know, Severus asked me yesterday, before you were released… he asked if I was binding you in a life of service to me."
"And what did you say to that?" He asked honestly, no trace of judgment.
She hadn't expected him to be so, well… understanding. But why should she be surprised? Remus had always been a good listener. He wasn't one to jump to conclusions. A scholarly man, he studied all angles of a problem, much like herself in many respects, which is why she considered him among her closest friends. Though she couldn't discuss obvious matters with him earlier, it was nice to have an objective sounding board which wasn't Harry or Ron. Her firm resolve returned strength to her hands as the resolutely placed the cup to its saucer and remembered her previous account to Severus.
"I told him that when Clisha freed a dark creature to return them to light it was to release them to serve good, to be honest to their own values, not to serve me a person, but greater good." Her Gryffindor spirit soared again and Remus could see the wheels of determination form in her tight jaw.
"And what is your worry now?" Tears formed in her lower lids, foreshadowing her reluctant admission of mistake.
"Liam says that it is your duty to protect me, that service is a natural consequence of the bond we share." She took a deep breath which threatened to become a sob as she apologized profusely. "I'm so sorry, Remus. If I had known, I would have told you before. I should've read my mother's diary more carefully… you could've waited for the cure to be finished."
Remus regarded her kindly and placed a comforting hand on her arm, patting it. "Hermione, it's alright. It is. I've… felt something really strongly since we bonded and spoke to Liam about it last night after you left." She raised an eyebrow as Liam had not disclosed this to her. "I feel drawn to you, like even when we're apart, I'm watching over you all of the time. Connected. Does that make sense? And what's weirder still is that in some way I feel like I've performed these duties even before you cured me."
"I have some idea. What do you mean about even before?"
"Being a werewolf, I kept most of my senses even when there wasn't a full moon. I could smell your fear radiate from you those visits you made to 12 Grimmauld Place. That's why I initially started to escort you home. Other things drew me to you, but I just couldn't explain them at the time. Liam said it was your blood. I'm sorry if I scared you a few weeks ago…" His voice trailed off and he looked down awkwardly as he recalled his rather predatory desire for her that evening not terribly long ago.
"Don't be. I'm sorry, I was wrong not to have anticipated that possibility and I should've avoided you. I acknowledged you, challenged you remember— in part to keep you in check and diffuse the hunger, and also to make you fear me as an adversary. Does that make sense?"
"I think so."
"I wanted to show you that I could meet your challenge and force you to back down."
"Sounds like the behavior or pack animals." He smirked with a glint of appreciation in his eye.
"I didn't think about it like that, but I guess that sounds about right." She laughed a bit but only just as she remembered the uncomfortable topic at hand.
"The lure isn't there anymore, but the desire to protect you is. Liam said the Clisha have always fought for balance. Serving you in this way doesn't steer me away from my wizarding goals, Hermione. My goals have always been the serve the wizarding community and fight darkness. Gryffindors have always felt strongly about injustices, you and I are of like minds there. Even though I didn't support your S.P.E.W. efforts I was always impressed with your vision of it. Let me help you."
Hermione rubbed her forehead. "Remus, I don't know what to say. I'm feeling my way around as I go." She ran her fingers through her hair in exasperation. "Liam told me I need to knight you. The ceremony should take place later this week. God, it sounds so surreal to talk about it!"
"Why? Some of your ancestors were thousands of years old, their political systems and hierarchies were different back then. Since all of your ancestors abilities were passed down through the women, why shouldn't you be a Queen?"
Queen. "Why do have to be so damned understanding? Liam put you up to this didn't he?" The queen thing still bothered her. It irritated her all the more that Remus was making so much sense, diffusing any anger of her which might have been there. He didn't even have the decency to argue with her.
"He filled me in. But doesn't it make sense? Liam and I are the first knights to not be betrothed to one of the Clisha. All of the previous spouses served both functions."
Hermione's head was swimming again, she shook it from side to side as if she could jar some idea and knock it into it's proper place. "I need to read, Remus. Please let me know what we can do to work this out. You're my friend. I don't want to turn this into a dictatorship. Let's keep things open between us? The whole point of freeing you was for you to be free to live your life. When I look at Liam and all he has sacrificed… I don't want that for you." Tears threatened again. She wondered how much Liam had really told Remus about the choices he had made. She had read enough to be worried about him, at least from her mother's point of view.
"Thank you for the sentiment, Hermione. There is plenty of time. Life won't stop just because we have some extra responsibilities. Even for you." He called it out. He called out her fear and named it. He sounded like Master Qian back at temple. Be still child, there is plenty of time.
She was afraid her life in the regular world had come to and end. What if something happened to Severus? To her? What if the last of the Clisha died out? What if she never uncovered the vampire cure? Her head was dizzily pounding and she cursed herself for forgetting the noble teachings of the monastery where she was a student. Relax, Hermione. Only now is important. Worrying over infinite possibilities only clouds you mind. She felt clouded, murky, drowning, unclear. She needed to meditate.
Or perhaps she just needed a good cry, because when she came to, Remus was holding her and comforting her in his arms, cradling her head softly as her ragged breathing came in shuddered gasps as she sobbed. "S'alright. Let it go."
She roused quickly, accepting her the new direction that the wisdom of her rambling thought had given to her. "Thank you, Remus. I know what I need to do now." She wiped her tears and looked at him with gratitude.
"And what are you going to do?"
"Meditate."
She stood and brushed herself off and excused herself to the bedroom where she sat comfortably on the rug.
Remus was about to leave when Severus walked in the door.
"Sorry, I didn't want to disturb you," he said a bit tersely. "What's wrong with Hermione? She was upset." His tone was accusatory as if Remus had done something to encourage it, but Severus knew better. If anything he was feeling a bit protective of her.
"Just overwhelmed is all. She left to meditate. I think when she's done, she'll need to speak with you."
"Why don't you fill me in," he asked scornfully.
Remus read him well and didn't take the bait in his tone which sent most into a shouting match with the bitter man. "I don't think that's my place," he said calmly. Remus finished his tea and excused himself. The way he said that bothered Severus a bit. It was like Lupin to take a step back into a more submissive role. He was the aggressive type, restrained yes, but commanding. My place?
Severus started feeling a bit insecure. He witnessed the intimacy between Hermione and Remus before and it had disturbed him. Snape knew that Hermione loved him, but trusting did not come easily. He could feel the doubts slither into his mind. The same fears flooded him which almost caused him to leave that night instead of hearing her out. She belongs to me, how could she open herself so easily to someone else? One mate for all time…"You're the second..." Remembering, hearing her voice inside his head, brought him to a more rational state of mind as he sat on the leather divan and waited for her.
He wasn't a patient man, though he had disciplined himself enough to appear to be most of the time. It would be rude to interrupt her now. He felt her at the edges of his mind. He closed his eyes and surprisingly after some cleansing breaths saw her clearly in the next room. She was searching, desperately… for guidance. It pained him to know she ached for answers and that they weren't coming easily for her. She had connected with… someone. He heard a familiar voice and images came to his mind. Remus kneeling, almost bowing in front of Hermione… Liam standing beside him in the larger circle… he and Liam falling to their knees… and Hermione, his love, looking more powerful than he had ever seen her in a white flowing gown which pooled at her feet, her hair cascading in gentle waves to the floor. She held a green handled sword in her right hand and raised it directly in front of her…
Hermione came out of her vision and breathed. She took her mother's diary in her hands and read the first sentence on the page she opened to.
'The first born child of a Clisha is conceived at joining.'
Oh God. Panic and a little thrill filled the young witch as she pondered that statement. I'm pregnant? As soon as she spent any time connecting with that thought she knew it was true. She reopened the book and continued to read.
The first born child of a Clisha is conceived at joining. The first child is always a girl, as women are responsible for carrying on the family line. Clisha live long and therefore tend to bear many children over the course of their lives. Most husbands are eager to bear this responsibility as most did not have the opportunity to raise children of their own prior to their joining for obvious reasons. Though many new couples are uneasy with the weight of this matter while such danger surrounds them, the gestational period of the first pregnancy is long and permits adjustment. Parenting alone is quite rewarding. The hope in the new generations of Clisha have lightened the spirits of many a darkened soul.
Then words flew across the page in the handwriting of her mother as if they were being written as she read.
Be not afraid, my daughter. These are dark times but not all hope is lost.
My mother said that to me and I say it now to you. As you are reading this, I understand what mother meant by that statement. You did give me hope, though my life was short. Blessings to you my sweet Hermione, I know you will make good choices. Be a patient and loving wife. He will need your understanding.
Knight Remus soon, he can protect you and you must let him. You will find yourself distracted at inopportune times. Danger will present itself when you are least prepared.
Lean on Remus, but confide in Severus. He is waiting for you. You may feel you have known him and loved him for years—I had loved Merlin for 600 years before we even met… He was stubborn as anything when we married, we were both strong minded individuals. As happy as we were our stubbornness could have very nearly made us miserable with bickering and harsh words.
Things are new for him. Severus needs more faith in you. Talk to him. He is waiting for you. Go to him.
Hermione blanched and closed the book. She sensed her mother was correct and wondered why she couldn't read the present day wisdom of her mother before now. The diary never spoke to her in that way before. Clearly there were more mysteries left to uncover. At least she had gotten some answers about Remus' knighting ceremony.
She got to her feet and walked in the next room, peering around the door jam to look at the face of her lover. He opened his eyes.
"Severus?" She sat down quickly beside him and embraced him.
He looked a bit wounded but raised his right hand to her face and grasped her neck, caressing her cheek with his thumb. She leaned into the contact, and sensed his doubts. "Severus, you were right."
Right about what? He thought as his mind again threatened him with his previous ridiculous notions of she and Lupin.
Her tears threatened to fall again, and she spit out the rest of the story. "Liam told me everything, though a bit too late to let Remus in on it before I freed him." The overwhelming feeling gnawed at her again, but she pushed it down.
"So you're bonded with him too," he said slowly he words trailing into familiar dark territory. That's great bloody great. He stood tensely, pacing in his usual manner as he swung his hands heatedly.
His possessive feelings overwhelmed her as she attempted to understand where he was going with this. Her pendant wasn't helping her to unravel the confusing emotions she was feeling in him.
"No! I mean yes, but it's not like THAT! It not like what we have Severus." She was trying to console him, desperately grasping for words which might offer some comfort.
His voice growled dangerously low. "How exactly," he eyed her menacingly, towering over her, adopting his old teaching intimidation tactics, "is it different, Miss Granger?"
And for a brief moment Hermione saw a flash of Severus' memory of Remus holding her, stroking her hair, whispering reassurances. Severus' own mind seemed to make it look more intimate than she remembered it, and she reacted— badly. She shot up out of her chair, unwilling to let him use height as an advantage. "Damn it, we didn't sleep together for one!" Her hands on her hips now, like her mother used to do, she was quite sure she had adopted the look Granger women were famous for. And she was proud of it. "How can you be so…oooh! This is ridiculous."
"How dare you…" all of the malice and doubts poured forth, his suspicions articulated in the worst manner. "First you tell me that I'm the only one… then you turn to bloody Lupin! I should've known… the Leanhaum-shee, ah yes— what was it you said? A myth of Irish temptresses? Maybe that's not so far from the truth!" He was in a full tirade, his cloak was an angry whip as he charged around the flat arms waving in the air. This was the face of a man who had lost all control. No connection between them could save them as this point. All common sense had fled.
"Did you just call me a WHORE?!" Hermione's blood was boiling, her hair now responding in kind, a bushy mess about her red face she fumed.
"Yes, I heard too well that little discussion. 'A kiss will free him,' " he sang in mock imitation. "A KISS BLOODY WELL ENSLAVED HIM, AND ME!" He could see immediately his jealous rage had him spitting out nonsense. He didn't really believe that, but a part of his history did remember not to trust. Remember to protect himself and push away.
Her face was ashen and she deadly quiet, her former confidence leaving her body drained, vacant— and he felt responsible for it. She looked like she was dying a bit and she, instead of coming up with a clever retort or biting comment instead bent at the knees and sank slowly into the divan, not making any eye contact.
How could it be that this morning he was kissing her sweetly? Severus already started to regret his bitter words before he could take them back. The same loving lips that devoured her this morning were now tearing her apart.
A hollow whisper said, "You have a surgeon's scalpel for a tongue, do you know that?" She took a shaky breath. "I gave you a choice and told you the circumstances. Remus, who you know very well is a friend, didn't get that luxury." Another pause. "If you feel trapped, I won't press you to stay." Her head was down, staring at the floor or something interesting on her hands.
Severus knelt in front of her, taking her hands in his ready to whisper his profoundest apologies. At times Hermione appeared convincingly strong, unshakable, quite the adversary. At others, at home, she was vulnerable, fragile, human. Just a woman. "An apology seems inadequate after what I said. Nothing can excuse my behavior," he began. His hands trembled a bit as they traced reassuring circles on her palms. He tried to find the phrases which could possibly repair the somewhat delicate relationship they had started so intensely a few days before. "I saw him comforting you earlier. You went to him when you should have come to me and I was jealous. You're mine Hermione. You belong to me." His grip on her was firmer when he said the last sentences, almost cursing himself for his phrasing. But at least he was being truthful.
If Hermione was offended at his choice of words she didn't show it. Ordinarily she might have been upset, but under the current circumstances it was a relief to feel secure, to have his feelings confirmed in this way, albeit a possessive one. She didn't like the images the term 'Queen' sprang to mind, and it was therefore a relief for him to take charge. It was a relief to know he had strong feelings, that he wasn't just going along with things. "I do belong to you. And you to me, I hope. I want to know that this is what you want. I want you to be as sure and certain as I am. I love you Severus, I would never do anything to hurt you." He took her face in his hands and held her in a close embrace, his long fingers weaving through her unruly hair. She hugged him and felt full again, sighing deeply with the knowledge that she felt incomplete without him. She knew Severus didn't mean what he said, but she was wary that he said it at all. The relationships that existed here were new and fragile. How would she… no, they… how would they navigate this?
"Severus, I would bet that you have been lied to you most times during your life. Even Dumbledore has held back, and spun his creative truths when you spied for the light. I don't want there to be any misunderstanding between us. No doubts." She looked straight into his eyes so that he would see the sincerity in her eyes. "You were right about Remus and Liam. But there will be times I turn to them for counsel. And there will be others when I can only come to you. May I show you?" She asked, and he looked puzzled, not quite understanding what she was suggesting.
"How do you mean?"
"I want to be completely honest with you. We're partners and I don't want you to think I've been keeping things from you. I've done that out of necessity for so long. I'd like to show you telepathically."
He nodded in astonished agreement. As Snape thought about it, he figured he couldn't remember the last time he'd been totally frank with anyone. Perhaps to Dumbledore when he confessed his crimes as a Death Eater and turned himself in—but since then? He had always kept to himself, his attempts at subterfuge, maneuvering his way through the Death Eaters, dangerously hiding truths from the Dark Lord, skillfully directing and guiding students both toward and away from His clutches. Severus had precious few friendships, certainly not with people he saw regularly. Certain members of the Order perhaps, others were long since dead or hopelessly corrupt. This relationship would ask much of him, if he was to give himself as fully to it as she was obviously prepared to.
He slid on the divan alongside her. Snape remembered her link with Harry the day she located Ginny and wondered if this would somehow be the same. Hermione looked at her love deeply. God, but his eyes were so striking and deep black pools of strength. She focused and lost herself in them.
Severus felt warm sensations flood him as she welcomed him into her uninhibited mind, completely free of the barriers he'd encountered in her Occlumency training. She led him through from the beginning. Hermione finding Leyna's journal at Flourish and Blotts… her mother revealing her adoption, and the brass seal... The nightmares about Rose's rape and her evasion of Lucius Malfoy… Her discussion with Liam when she was 16 years old…the painting of her mother… her foray into elemental magic in the Quidditch stadium and at the Greenhouse… the hormonal explosion which erupted thereafter and her final succumbing to desire for him in her rooms (and his subsequent physical response in his own bedrooms as a result)…the times Harry obliviated her memory and their bonding as family… the meld with Sibyll and Hermione's thoughts about him that summer… her extensive charm work in creation of the pendant… a multitude of times she sent him comfort through her own heirloom—he saw her rub it in class and at other times when she felt him needing support. Her thoughts prior to graduation, her sorrow at leaving Hogwarts as she listened to the same songs over and over again until she had cried out all of her tears… a hesitant privately painful goodbye to him after Graduation…
She loved him. Deeply loved him. How could he have doubted her? He felt a pang of guilt at his disbelief of such an straightforward and open woman.
The images continued to propel him forward through her tutelage at Imperial College. The memories were getting scary now as he felt her fear, and slowed down as she showed him things about her training never discussed amongst students. Each student, each "Knee" (as they were called), was on an individual journey so teaching was adjusted to each pupil. He saw Master Qian's links with her. As always, students were requested to specialize in a certain area of mind and body discipline. She had chosen meditation and Kaatal. A breath caught in his throat in surprise. Hermione had never shared her study of Kaatal before.
Kaatal was an ancient martial art using a pair of 'Chil' sticks, thick ebony sticks one and a half feet long. The art had three branches of technique. Students individually competed in testing to become the Master of a particular technique if they showed mastery in one or more skills. There was only one Master in a class of 12 students who studied mercilessly for four years. Snape had been a Master of the form Batala, the strength of Chil. Batala was an extreme use of force where the batons were concerned. A seasoned Master could fracture the hardened baton or batons of an opponent with the sheer force of a single precise blow. The Master would need to show restraint as well, as one could imagine how violent and fatal any blow from a Master of this discipline could be. Snape had quite a bit of hostility built up inside him from the mistakes he made as a Death Eater. Batala had been a somewhat safe outlet for him to release this anger.
A more restrained and alternate method was the second form of the Kaatal known as 'Aviano' or 'feather' technique. The students of this discipline studied the human body and used the sticks in a feather light battering of their opponent in strategic pressure points to disarm or immobilize them. An attack from a Master could result in headaches, extreme pain, temporary or permanent paralysis, concussion, or death.
The third form was an unknown. It was not discussed because only someone who had Mastered the other two forms could achieve the third. Because that was a rare thing, it remained a mystery. Most believed it to be the controlled synthesis of the first two disciplines—the beauty of the art perfected in the control of the Master. One could only speculate.
She allowed him to witness her test… Master Qian had an opponent with her and Hermione skillfully evaded him. She was competing against a Master. Severus was stunned as he witnessed the dance of her graceful movements as she swiftly dodged the blows of the experienced instructor. She hit him repeatedly with a smattering of feathery blows. As he fell to his knees, she changed quickly to the Batala style Snape was familiar with and brought the right baton down in swift motion destroying her opponent's baton into a thousand splintery pieces. A mischievous and proud grin spread across the Master's face as he jumped to his feet and reached in his robes for a new baton to complete his set. 'That's not fair', he heard Hermione's mind say as she continued the battle. She leapt backward to avoid a painful swipe which nicked her side. He felt everything, her thoughts, her breathing, her disciplined spirit. She spun to attack and outstretched her left arm. In a surprise move her arm extended considerably, and out from the end of her baton leapt a long rod which whacked her opponent back on his knees. Of course, he did not submit. He spun on his back swinging out at her legs and she jumped to avoid him.
Snape watched the ensuing acrobatic nightmare, the wide arcs of movement, the flutter of the batons in an attempt to cause distracting pain. Both managed to avoid blows which would've resulted in serious injury though each opponent was not entirely able to avoid the sting and consequences of being hit. Hermione appeared to not let it affect her. The elongated whips of the baton extended again and Hermione halted before she connected with the instructor's head. The match had ended. She immediately fell to her knees and bowed prostrate for judgment. If she had completed her movement, she surely would have killed him. She wondered silently if it that had happened before.
She felt Master Qian approach her from behind but she remained still, unwilling to speculate if she would receive corporal punishment for her actions or what. The extension of her batons had never occurred before. It unsettled her. It made her feel like her studies and preparation were somehow incomplete. He lifted the back of her shirt forcefully over her shoulder exposing her bare back and she remained unmoving. As Master Qian withdrew a wand, Snape remembered the familiar posture as he had knelt for judgment. He too, had the invisible tattoo burned into his skin, the only symbol of his mastery of Kaatal. One letter…two… Oh. Tears streamed down Hermione's face as if it would never stop burning into her skin. She bit her lip, resisting the urge to cry out on pain as the third letter was etched into her skin. Finally it was over, and she rose to face her Master.
Severus blanched as he realized she had achieved the highest ranking. She had unlocked the secret of the third discipline as a natural consequence of her years of training.
She exited the temple into the night and felt the sting in her shoulder that still bled a bit. It was the evening of the Summer Solstice, and the stars were out. Unfortunately, dark creatures were also about. Out of nowhere, two vampires descended on her, and she withdrew the only weapons she had on her person, the Chil. In a flurry of movement she narrowly dodged fatal blows by the creatures. She used her connection with elemental magic to safely seal the monks in the temple.
"I smell your blood witch. This should be fun. One of the famous students of the Imperial temple…" he hissed. Hermione felt anger surge through her as he stared her down. She knew he was attempting to distract her for his companion. She took a breath and calmed herself as teachings commanded, focusing her mind and dispelling the negative and disorienting effects of fear and rage.
"You look very familiar…" he taunted, "So beautiful. How is your mother?" That was it. Hermione could not keep her rage at bay as she connected this creature as the one being responsible for assaulting her mother. She had read it in the diary and wanted revenge for it. She flung out with all of the unrestrained brutality of the Batana. When the batons elongated outward she connected to her assailants with a crack. Blood poured from their limbs, her arms fueled by her desire for revenge and survival. Her heart raced out of control, in vast contrast to it's controlled rhythm during her test. The second vampire approached her from behind and she chanted the familiar incantation which sent him hurtling toward the ground. The sidewalk pooled with blood which had cracked open beneath the robes of the vampire. She drove the short blunt baton downward into his heart, crushing his ribcage.
The vampire dissolved to ash with the incantation of Master Qian behind her. She was shaking, horrified from the display before her. She had just been branded as a master but in a matter of minutes became a monster. In a deliberate and slow action, Hermione, now on her knees reached slowly forward and divested herself of the brutal weapons. They looked innocent sitting alone on the ground. Hermione wept in grief, her desire to discover a cure for vampirism poisoned her insides as she grieved in horror over her violent behavior. It could not be avoided, but it a was brutally graphic display of her people's fight for balance.
She hadn't practiced Kaatal since. She hadn't even considered it an option to her. She would've had no problem defending herself against the likes of Lucius Malfoy, but she would not permit that type of defense. She felt too dangerous, like a different person, she had erased that from her mind. It did not leave her filled with a source of accomplishment or self-confidence, she felt it ruin her. She coped by quickly pushing herself back in the box she came in went she'd first arrived green from Hogwarts. Master Qian saw. He understood without asking. He demanded no answers, passed no judgment.
Severus saw all of this and felt it in her sweaty hands, her tears dripping freely onto his forearms. Exhausted, he decided to take a break and squeezed her hands pulling her forward in an embrace. He felt her thoughts, I thought you couldn't care for me if you knew what I was capable of.
She didn't think he could love her? If he knew what she was capable of? Wasn't she the merciful one? Hermione had never asked about his actions as a Death Eater, she didn't question his loyalties and that had astounded him. Gods, how could you think I couldn't understand that? He rocked the weeping woman in his arms, crying harder as she heard the comforting thoughts he projected out to her.
"Oh Hermione... shhh… how could you have done anything different?"
Have you ever forgiven yourself for your actions as a Death Eater, and your inaction as a spy?
The frank words echoed in his head and his lungs painfully contracted as he considered his response.
Albus always told me that there were limits to what I could be responsible for, that by spying that was enough and I should stop punishing myself for things I had no control over. I haven't forgiven myself for many things. Sometimes that's just too hard to do. I will always have regrets.
"You tried to help her. I bet she would've forgiven you." He was undone by her soft voice and choked on his next statement.
"Maybe we atone daily for what sins we've committed. But just because we err, does not mean we should abandon our gifts."
"What are you saying?" She pulled away slightly to face him.
"I'm saying that you may need, you will need your Kaatal experiences to help you in the upcoming fight. Gods, the third level? Because you are a Master you can control how things play out. Can't you admit that was an unusual circumstance beyond comprehension? You were wandless and being threatened by a vampire who hurt your mother! Do you think that on a different day you'd have been compassionate? That you could have spared him? That you could've convinced him not to turn you?"
It was wrong.
"You're alive. Of that I am so grateful. You are still searching for a cure. Make your survival worth it. You denied a part of yourself when you shut out some of your abilities. But without them you are not whole. You are not truly being honest with yourself when you do that."
He looked at her with intense concern and kissed her forehead gently.
"There is more to show you but I'm pretty tired," she murmured.
"Can you just tell me?"
"I said you were right before. You had asked me if Remus would live in service to me and I said no. That idea is repellant to me but it didn't make it wrong. Liam corrected me." She sighed. "He said that he and Remus by being freed are bound to protect me. He says…he says that I am a Queen and I must knight Remus."
A Queen. Gods. "No wonder my comment earlier bothered you," he said with a smirk.
"I didn't even know why at the time. But I took your advice and talked with Liam this morning. Then Remus showed up. He was surprisingly polite about it. I'd expected him to be angry."
"That's not like him. Remus is too honorable for misplaced anger."
"I could hardly expect him to be happy, I feel like I'd deceived him or tricked him. That isn't really a good basis for a trusting relationship. Which brings me to my next point. I read mom's diary again. Liam recommended it in fact. It enlightened me on a few points…"
"Hermione, pardon me for interrupting you, but it's getting late." They saw the sun setting through their window. "Can we continue this discussion over dinner? I've made arrangements."
"Arrangements, hmmm? What should I wear?"
"Wear something as beautiful as you are." And he bent forward to brush his lips against hers in a teasing fashion. She desperately wanted him to linger, but he denied her. She wanted more than that brief touch, and since they were connected, she knew he knew it.
She blushed. She could hardly imagine a few days ago that he was capable of flowery statements like that.
***
He rubbed his pendant to call her to him, where he'd made his preparations. Though comfortable with Hermione, he found his heart race a bit, not knowing quite how to proceed. From their earlier argument, he felt a sense of mental whiplash at the events of the last few days. He had spent all morning thinking about tonight, that's why what he had seen earlier had affected him so. He felt quite out of his element, here on the grassy hill. There was a giant oak tree, a favorite place in his childhood where he came often for solitude, for refuge from his violent home and to read the books that consoled a lonely boy, coaching him through adolescence. There was a light breeze that caught the paper lanterns that hung brightly from the limbs of the old tree, tinkling the tiny brass bells that hung from a few carrying their beautiful song into the air. These were some positive memories he had of the monastery that was a part of them both.
A large thick blanket was laid on the grassy carpet, which would have served as well. The crimson and gold swirls of the worsted wool peeked out from under the place settings and wine. A sticking charm prevented the wind from picking up it's edges.
As Hermione concentrated and opened her eyes to find herself in the arms of Severus. As she did not well know where she was going, she knew at least that she was to be with him. She kissed him deeply, and saw the prepared evening ahead only as she pulled away from his embrace.
She gasped as the sight.
Surprised?
She smiled her yes to him as she turned to see the grassy hill devoid of any other vegetation aside from the tree they stood behind. It looked not unlike the rainy hillside where her mother stood in her vision of elemental magic. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply, taking in the smells of nature about her and listened to the music of the bells.
She wore a dress of flowing silk which fell to her ankles. The scoop neck slowly plunged accenting her décolletage. Her hair was pulled back in a weave of elaborate braids, the curls making them somewhat relaxed. She wore only her mother's pendant and hardly any makeup, trying to appear as natural and unadorned as possible.
"Severus, it's beautiful." Her eyes were watery and she was moved at his gesture. The significance of such a thing was not lost on her as she had so carefully planned her own revelations to him in this way. He was showing a little bit of his soul to her, making a guarded person like Snape more open and vulnerable than he could ever make himself to someone.
He smiled and she could have sworn his eyes twinkled as his trademark smirk crossed his lips. She loved that about him. "Come." He held out his left hand to escort her underneath the tree.
He took both of her arms and lowered her gently to the ground, following her down on his knees. He poured the Merlot into wine glasses, and offered one to her silently, making meaningful eye contact with her. Love was the unspoken language written on their faces and she found herself wondering where the acidic potions master had gone from her younger years.
"I thought it only fitting," he began, "to honor you the same way you have me. I hardly expected such a turn of events from two weeks ago. You have shared many details about your family with me and I find I have not reciprocated. My life has always been private, and the details of my life have not been… as positive by comparison."
Hermione was a bit taken aback by his statements. She winced as she thought of his childhood. Harry had hinted that it had been less than supportive but went into no detail. She thought she'd have to drag some of this out of him, that it might take months or years before he could open up to her this way.
He sensed her surprise at this and answered her unasked question. "I cannot imagine sharing my bed with you and not also my heart as well. This has been both frightening and liberating. It must have taken a great deal of courage to tell me that you cared for me, knowing I could refuse you."
She painfully nodded as she remembered how all too possible that could have been. He knew it too, as he remembered how quickly he could have retreated her flat to the relative safety of his solitary life to an existence devoid of love.
"Never in my life…" he paused to gather himself, and swallowed. Hermione remained still and quiet permitting him to complete his thought. "I never thought someone could love me so, the way that you do. There was no love in my home. It was too full of other things. Father was a terribly abusive man, emotionally more than anything. So controlling and bigoted. He was a drunkard and was violent toward my mother and me. We were both terrified of him and I would flinch at the slightest thing. That carried over to school, needless to say I grossly overreacted to teasing by my peers at school which only overlooked and encouraged it. I learned most of the dark magic in my youth in the hopes of defending myself. I felt powerless too. I hid behind books and thought if I learned enough I could defeat anything. I didn't help that my peers teased me so. I hated and loathed other students, frustrated that I couldn't learn the class materials at a faster rate, brewing more difficult potions rather than the sluggish dribble which occupied most of the classes I had attended, challenging the other students.
The Malfoy's have always been a powerful wizarding family, politically and monetarily. He had been asked to recruit Death Eaters and thought my intellect might become useful to the Dark Lord. It would be easy to exploit me because of my family problems. Some of the only memorable moments of my studies at Hogwarts was the compassion Lily Evans showed me. I didn't understand it and I was disrespectful at best to her. I couldn't receive a complement back then. I was offended most of the time, I couldn't belive it was truthful. I wonder now if perhaps Lily had seen some of my own future since she was a Seer. I thought it a cruel joke when Lily, as beautiful as she was, wound up with Potter. She had once said she'd never date him, which I was foolish to believe. I was horribly jealous, seeing my peers take for granted those childhood experiences I so desperately wanted for myself but forced myself to believe I didn't need."
Hermione placed an hand on his arm in support, but didn't interrupt him.
"Potter, Black, Pettigrew and Lupin were horrible to me whenever they had a chance to and I made it no easier for them by encouraging it with my reactions to their pranks. Four against one was never fair. Being a Slytherin didn't make me very trustworthy, and of course it was an accurate statement as any. I snuck out, brewed in secret and before long was being strung along by Malfoy. I convinced myself I was using him as much as he was me. Before I knew it I was promised the moon and taking the Dark Mark, finding an outlet for my talents which supported the stupid belief my father had so long touted in pureblood. The very thought is revolting now.
"As a Death Eater I participated and acted alone on my own to destroy some of the finest people the wizarding world had to offer. Muggleborns, aurors, traitors to the Dark Lord. For a while I managed to distance myself from the violence of it. But the venomous point of a potion is only disguised by the bottle. I concocted brutal and vicious things. The cruelty and darkness of it I still shudder to think about. I swore when I left the Death Eaters, I would never brew again. Brewing potions gave me pride and satisfaction and I wanted nothing more of it. But of course our dear Headmaster wouldn't have it. I would've much preferred to teach DADA, but Albus felt it would be too tempting for me. Perhaps he was correct. I hated students. They knew nothing of the dangers, participating in things and magic far out of their realm of understanding. Magic was a game for them and it frustrated me endlessly to see you three put your lives on the line so casually. However, I underestimated you I think. I always despised the cavalier attitude of Gryffindors, but you were deliberate weren't you? Always putting the needs of others first. I was so angry when I found out you had freed Black. You can't possibly understand how betrayed the Order felt knowing with seeming absolute certainty he killed the Potters. That he killed Lily. It was an outrage. Even knowing the truth about Pettigrew, we couldn't rightly forgive Black overnight. Certainly he had been such an imbecile during my school days that I thought he possessed no other talents.
"I was angry when Harry came back to Hogwarts. The Dark Lord was gone for years and I was out of service so to speak. But I could feel it looming overhead when he came to school. I knew his return was inevitable when I saw Harry.
"Albus released me from my duties as teacher briefly to attend school. I was an empty shadow of a man when I received my invitation to attend Imperial College. I didn't see it as an honor for almost three years. I was sure someone like Dumbledore had pulled strings to get me in. I didn't relax, was suspicious of other's motives all the while. Master Qian was the first man I ever completely trusted aside from Dumbledore."
He talked into the evening about school days, and in pained words about some of the more horrible Death Eater experiences. How the death of a former schoolmate at his own hands led him to confess to Dumbledore. He touched on his casual sexual experiences of his youth, completely devoid of intimacy or kindness. He talked about how he would never allow himself to get close to someone. He was worried that if he did trust they would hurt him or leave.
How is it then, that he had so much to give Hermione? The truth is, he felt he didn't. What could a broken man offer when he felt empty? But Hermione filled him up. The green anonymous gifts filled him. His work as a spy gave him meaning. Trying for years to work toward a cure for the Wolfsbane, was a welcome derailment from the fight against Lord Voldemort. Tutoring the Boy-Who-Lived and Hermione Granger, seeing Neville Longbottom survive in school despite a wavering confidence and tortured parents gave him a glimmer of hope. As 11 year-olds they were blank shapeless students. One could only superimpose the memories of who their parents had been on top of each student. But Ginny was not Molly, and Ron was not any or his brothers or Arthur, Draco not quite Lucius, and Harry not James.
Over cheese, fruit and wine they broke bread together literally, under the tree which had sheltered the once broken child from a spiteful world. He thanked Hermione for her love and affection toward him. For her compassion, he admonished her for not telling him her feelings and premonitions earlier (knowing he wouldn't have responded well). They laughed and talked about their fantasies for the wizarding world once Voldemort was gone, an odd conversation for two realists to have. And then he knelt beside her, cupping her face in his hands, stroking her cheeks he looked at her.
She anticipated the kiss leaning in, but instead he said, "Look at me." It was an order not meant to be rude, but it was hard for Severus to sound anything less that a little short. "I love you with all of myself, without reservation. I accept you just as you are. I know we have a lot to overcome and that we won't always know ahead of time what is challenging us. I am rather set in my ways, a bit old-fashioned I suppose. You asked me to make a choice before. And now I'm doing what I think is right by making this formal. Hermione, will you be my wife?"
Hermione just looked stunned. It was an obvious conclusion, but said out loud it was still too fantastic to imagine. She had wondered what to call him earlier in the day and realized before he ran out he'd been wondering the same. Her mouth was open too choked to form speech. Tears filled her eyes again as she considered what still she hadn't told him. "But I still have to tell…"
"It doesn't matter. I love you in spite of any circumstance. Will you?"
"Yes." It was a whisper and a nod at the same time as she grabbed hold of him for strength and gratitude. She'd felt more accepted in this one declaration of love than she had the night of their joining. She couldn't imagine her feelings growing beyond that balloon of feeling, yet here they were embarking on some new path she knew not where it led. He kissed her temple and smoothed her hair with his hands.
After a few minutes of sighing and laughter over the joyous proposal, he asked, "Now what was it you wished to share with me?"
"I-I…" Where to begin? Don't make it long… you're stalling… "You remember when I told you I just found out I have to knight Remus?"
"Yeess…" he drawled out exaggeratedly.
"When I consulted my mother's diary, that's not the only information I came upon." She looked at him almost as if she expected him to read her mind. Shame on you Hermione, he can't do that quite yet.
And…he eyebrows indicated he was waiting for an answer.
"My mother actually spoke to me. She gave me advice." You are avoiding this…
"How exactly did she manage that?"
"She wrote to me through the diary, I can't explain it. Don't look at me in that tone of voice, it's not the Diary of Tom Riddle. She told me I should lean on Remus and let him protect me, but that I should confide in you and be patient with you. Then she told me to go in the next room and talk to you because you were waiting for me." He gave a smirk of appreciation at her mother's counsel.
"Severus," with a bit of trepidation in her voice. His brows immediately furrowed in anticipation of her next statement after the tone she had. "I only just found out, but the diary read," She took a deep breath. " 'The Clisha conceive their first child at the time of joining…' "
If Snape, an already pale man, could get paler he did. His mouth hung a bit open in surprise. I knew we'd have children but so soon? He immediately scolded himself for the inappropriate reaction about his impending fatherhood.
He hugged her quickly, embracing her, the love of his life while he searched for words. "I… are you okay with this?" Gods, that was stupid, does she have a choice now?
She nodded. "I feel fine." Hermione didn't know what to make of his mixed feelings but she suspected she didn't feel much different when she read it on paper. She quickly added, "It won't happen right away though. Apparently the gestational period of a first pregnancy is a year and a half, not 40 weeks. Are you angry?" Her eyes wrinkled a bit as she winced, they held in worry of disappointment or reprimand from professors in her youth.
"Angry? Hermione love, of course I'm not angry. Just… shocked a bit I guess. And worried for both of us since we know the dangers that lay ahead." He stroked his thumb along her jaw line in a soothing way. "How can I keep you safe?"
"I was shocked too. I didn't plan it this way. I have a feeling even if we had used contraception, the Clisha have a way of letting nature take over."
"Stop looking at me with such apology, you have nothing to be sorry for." Severus leaned in bending his face toward hers, his black wisps of hair brushing her face as he bent to kiss her. She loved his hair, as it hung forward it was the first thing she smelled… potions ingredients, grass, and musk.
As the kiss deepened, she lost a sense of her physical being for a moment and became dizzy. Both Severus and Hermione felt that strong pull, that tie of love which inextricably bound them together. As they looked at each other they wordlessly acknowledged both the difficulty of their futures and the joy of their relationship and that, no matter what, they would stick by each other.
Hermione thought it would take longer to develop their unspoken understanding, but in actuality it wasn't telepathy that bound them. Their quiet understanding, their gentle confidence about one another lovingly, longingly— had more to do with trust and mutual respect than anything else.
"Hermione…" his ragged voice choked in her ear.
He was asking her, pleading for her to bond with him again, right there on the hill.
Author's Notes:
Whew! Another Chapter. BTW, Kaatal is totally fictional. Use your imagination. I hope you don't think this is moving too slow. I've been getting good review, but flames appreciated as well. I feel like the dialogue needs some work. Despite Hermione's new gifts, she's just plain Hermione and Snape is Snape. Snape in love, not knowing what to do with himself. They'll probably fling themselves back into the familiarity of research, but there ain't no cauldrons on the battlefield. Poor Remus. What's he gonna do? And Liam, now there is a new knight?
This is quite an adjustment for all of them. All recommendations are appreciated. Next chapter Harry asks for advice and finds out more than he bargained for. Also will the duo finally come clean with Ron? Will try to post that one in a week.
Many Thanks to all of the faithful readers out there. Thank you for reviewing!
Thanks to:
Cousin Mary~ Thanks, and hear it is! Thanks for reading!
Ezmerelda~ Corsets are cool aren't they? It also make women look like completely cool comic book heroines. Ex. Trinity. Black rubber works. We will be making our way back to the main focal point of Harry Potter though... After all we have a Dark Lord to fight off. Any suggestions on how we should finish him?
Simpleyscribbling~ Yay! Thank you. I think so too. Here's the next chapter!
Diotima Mantinea~ Hope you're genetics paper went well.. I can identify with procrastination. It's 11:23pm as I'm loading this. Must_ get_ sleep.
Emsdesire~ Thank you! Keep on reading!
Cianna Greenwood~ Thank you for the feedback. I definitely have had problems with the spacing as I convert to html. I also need a beta redaer for obvious reasons. Any suggestions on how to find one?
HP-Princess17588~ Yes! Thanks tell all of your friends.
Red lady27~ Thank you very much. I hope this chapter adds another 'Pringle' to your stack. Once you pop…