Chapter Two: Ashamed

Sara collected her field kit and walked down the CSI corridor quietly as she read her assignment slip. An apparent suicide was reported and Vega was waiting for her at the victims house. She had just finished her Office Robbery, nailing the suspect with evidence found at the scene and his apartment with only a thread and dandruff.

She reached her car in time to see Grissom and Brass leaving Grissom's car. She had noticed that too, the absence of the pairing system that was supposed to rotate all CSI's so they could use each other's specialist skills.

It was almost rare to even see a rota for work partners anymore. She was afraid to even ask for a day off because they would be another CSI short and she didn't want to get the looks of 'selfish' tattooed to her already exile status.

Reaching the crime scene, she got straight to work, working comfortably with Vega. He was the only one that seemed to ignore her branded exile and she was grateful, but she also hoped it was out of friendship and not something else. She couldn't handle being tolerated because she was a colleague, she couldn't take that on top of everything else right now. She didn't want to know and made sure she was professional and that nothing accusing came from her mouth when she talked about the rest of the team.

~*~

Waiting just outside the victims house, Sara shined her touch around the yard to keep her mind occupied. She didn't want her personal crisis to leak into her work crisis, though they both seemed tightly wrapped together.

"I hope this is important Sara." Grissom announced his arrival on the scene with a tired grunt. "I was trying to get my paperwork finished before end of shift."

"Oh." She stumbled, clicking off her torch. "Well, I was checking the body when I noticed some brownish flecks." She explained hurriedly as she followed obediently as her supervisor entered the house and followed the stench of rotting flesh.

She watched from a far as he knelt by the bath tub and opened his kit to retrieve a fresh pair of white latex gloves. She rarely got to work with him anymore and this was a moment she treasured. She knew he was avoiding her and she knew why, she just couldn't find a way to apologise without making a bigger fool of herself.

"They're fleas Sara. The vic probably has a cat and the cat was sitting on his chest." He stood and pulled off his gloves as he looked at her.

She cast her eyes down and nodded. "I guess I should have known that." She looked up, glancing at her supervisor before settling on the corps. It was better than watching his disappointment in her once again. "Sorry." She shrugged and left the doorway to retrieve her kit from the living room.

"Where's Vega?"

Sara grabbed her field kit and stood up. "Um… outside I guess." She turned and headed for the bathroom again. "I'll get the evidence to Greg after David collects the body." She informed, passing him in the hallway.

"You're going to stand in the bathroom until the coroner gets here?" He asked.

She stopped in the bathroom doorway and looked at the corps. It's not like she has anywhere better to stand. "He won't be long. I'll just make sure I didn't miss anything."

"You never miss anything." He stated, sounding almost caring.

Sara's chest tightened as she stepped back and returned to the living room to stand awkwardly in front of him. "I was just being thorough." She weakly defended herself.

He was staring at her with an odd expression on his face. She felt the need to leave and hide in her car. She felt like she was about to be branded a new notch on the lecture monitor and all she could think was, that she didn't deserve anything less, if it got him to talk to her.

She was sure it made him feel better. There was always this light in his eyes when he reached the end of a lecture and though she knew she'd be feeling the ache later, she was certain he would go home and get on with his life, not feeling any guilt.

It was payback time, she gathered. Nothing like years of longing biting you in the ass.

"Sara, you're the most thorough Crime Scene Investigator I know and I wouldn't question your job capabilities."

He sounded like he believed what he was saying, but she knew that it was a lie. Only yesterday did he question her job capabilities, in front of Nick and Warrick.

She opened her mouth to say something, to correct him, but thought better of it when he narrowed his eyes at her and then raised his eyebrows in question. She closed her mouth and looked down. It was time to face it, there was never going to be a time to apologise, she just wasn't brave enough.

Where had all her courage gone. She knew she never let an argument go or so many of her friends walk over her. What had happened to her? Was she finally at the end and ready to give in completely? She couldn't answer, she was so scared of the outcome.

There was no more fight left in her.

And he saw that.

"What?" He prodded. When she didn't go ahead, he took a step forward. "What were you about to say?"

Sara stood there, stunned.

"You were going to say something Sara, what was it?" He continued to stare at her.

Shifting to her other foot, she took a deep breath and told him. "You questioned my job capabilities in front of the team last night." She snapped her mouth shut at the look on his face.

Grissom stepped back and grasped his kit in his hand.

"Not that I minded." She back-pedalled. "I don't expect any special treatment or any-thing." She sighed and closed her eyes as she lowered her head.

A silence settled and she could feel the negative energy coming from him as he breathed in and out. Again, she had over talked and made a fool of herself. Why didn't she just stay quiet? Why didn't she just leave now and never return?

She knew the answer, but was afraid to even think it around him.

"I guess I've been rough on everyone lately." He confessed. "On you, rough on you Sara. I'm sorry." He tried to look at her, but her head was down. He sighed heavily as he continued. "It's just… after Cath-"

"Yeah, I know." Sara breathed and nodded. "I'm sorry Grissom."

He huffed out a laugh and shrugged his shoulders. "You didn't make her leave Sara, she did that on her own."

"Yeah."

Grissom frowned. "I'm sorry Sara. I didn't realise I was taking out my frustrations on you. Forgive me?"

Looking up at his frowning face, she could see he was honest with his apology and his forgiveness, but she knew she had not right to have either. She should be the one asking both those questions and just as the coroner entered the house, she asked him.

"I should be asking for forgiveness and apologising. I'm sorry for everything Grissom." Sara tightened her grip on her case and made a move to walk around him to talk to David.

~*~

Right now she felt nothing more than ashamed of herself. When was she going to stop doing this to herself? Was she destined to be an idiot?

The knock at the door the following morning was a shock and she ignored it for as long as she could as she was once again sat on her couch with tears flowing and her personal pity party in full swing. She couldn't entertain anyone right now and tried to be as quiet as she could.

She leaned over and turned down the volume on the scanner before sinking into her couch cushions to try and be invisible.

The knocking stopped suddenly and she could hear movement outside her door before something crackling. After a few minutes had past and the visitor was long gone did she get up and walk to the door to find a neatly folded piece of paper on the floor. The visitor had obviously pushed the note under the door.

Heading back to the couch, she sniffled and wipe her nose on her Harvard sweater sleeve. Opening the note, she recognised the writing and for some reason it made her cry some more.

'Can I talk to you later? Ring me at home when you get this note. GG'

~*~

She arrived at work that night with dread written all over her face. She barely slept and she was jumpy. That note was simple, but it scared her. She never rang, she never even thought about ringing. What was he going to talk about anyway?

By the looks of things, she was going to have an answer to her question when Grissom snagged her arm and turned her, propelling her back the way she came and towards his office.

"Can you give me a minute Sara?" He asked gently, quietly, as he looked around the labs to warn off prying eyes.

"Oh uh, sure, Grissom." She stuttered, shocked by his display in front of a few lab personnel.

Releasing her arm, he closed the door and turned around to stare at her for a long time before even speaking. "You didn't call."

Sara breathed in, but didn't let it out until she spoke. "Oh, yeah. Sorry." She flushed, though she didn't know why when it was obvious he was upset. "I guess I didn't get your note." She cringed and forcefully let out another breath.

Grissom scratched his beard and continued to stare. "I see." He began, fitting what she had said together like it was a puzzle. "You didn't ring because you didn't get my note." He watched her shift uncomfortably. "How would you know about the note if you say you didn't get it?"

She started chewing on her bottom lip nervously.

"Sara," He sighed and dropped his tense shoulders in submission. "What did you mean yesterday?"

She looked up and foolishly locked eyes with him. She knew she could lie, but when he had her cornered like this, her lies were weak and pathetic. She didn't want to make this a moment where she'd ruin it with something stupid.

"Just what I said." She shrugged. "I'm sorry, you know, for everything-"

"Be specific."

Breaking contact, she let out a shaky breath. "Erm," She didn't know how to say it. All the time she had spent in the last 3 months thinking about what to say to him, and it was gone in a second.

"Why would you need to apologise to me?" He asked.

"For all the stupid things I've done and all the foolish moments when I'm around you." She stammered greatly, trying to filter together a string of words, but failing.

He stood there for so long that she knew she'd done it again. He was silent after every encounter that she had over talked.

A despaired growl escaped her when she realised this. "For gods sakes, I did it again." She hastily tried to put things right, words spilling uncensored from her mouth.

"I'm sorry Grissom. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't mean to, honestly. I don't want to make things worse. Not after all that's happened. I'm sorry." She stared at her feet and stiffly wrapped her arms around her. "I guess I shouldn't have come into work. I knew this would happen and, um, I'm sorry."

She made a move to get to the door, but when she turned the handle, she noticed the door was locked. She looked up and stared at the hardwood panel before slowly turning. "Er, doors locked." She stated the obvious.

"I didn't want either one of us leaving before we settled what's going on between us. It's obvious that something's wrong." He leaned back against his desk and looked at her.

Sara could feel her heart palpitating. "Us? I hope you know that I didn't mean to imply anything Grissom. I know how much Catherine meant to you and I'd never…" She stopped talking when her voice began to waver. If she could hear it so could he. When she chanced a look at him, she saw the top of his head as he looked at the floor.

"It's been 3 months since she left Sara. I know everyone is feeling the loss of a team member and friend, but she's not dead." He explained evenly. "Cath could come back anytime if she wanted, but we all know she's not going to do that. She took Lindsey and moved north to stay with her mother. Everyone knows that."

"The money?" Sara asked hesitantly. "She took the money Sam Braun gave her and left?" When he nodded, she took a hesitant step forward. "I'm so sorry Griss."

"Stop Apologising Sara!" He snapped loudly.

Jumping back, she started to shake.

"None of this is your fault. You don't need to be sorry for anything. I should have seen it. She took the money and ran. That's it." He said sternly. After a few silence minutes, he said almost inaudibly. "This isn't all what I wanted to talk to you about."

Not entirely sure she was calm enough to listen, Sara turned to the door and tried it again, knowing full well it was still locked, but she tried anyway.

"It's still locked Sara." He reminded her.

Trying again, she felt tears building. "Open the door Grissom." She tried the handle again. "Please unlock it."

"I love Catherine with all my heart and I gave her everything." He spoke softly, as if remembering.

Sara stared at the door and clenched the handle in her hand.

"3 years of my life, I gave to her and she turned around and took it all, including her love." His voice shook slightly, but he cleared his throat and continued. "I truly thought we were so in love that nothing could come between us, but I was wrong."

Sara pressed her forehead against the door, trying to drown out his voice.

"I didn't see it coming at first. She started lying to me and started pushing me on my political side of the job, knowing damn well I'm not so good at it." He sighed a ragged breath. "She used me to excel in her job and I fell hook line and sinker for it all. The woman I loved used my own faults against me-"

"Stop It!" Sara shouted, turning to glare at him through her tears. "Why Are You Telling Me This!?"

"I need to tell someone Sara." He looked at her with emotional clouded eyes.

"I Don't Want To Hear It Grissom!" She snapped, sniffing and wiping her face with her hands. "Don't you get it? I can't listen to you say this. Not about her." She pleaded desperately, dropping her hands.

Before she knew it, both her worlds crashed together and she suddenly couldn't stop talking. "I stood and watched it all. For 3 years. Holding on just enough to be your friend and be there for you, but what about me?" She asked quietly. "You forgot I even existed Grissom. Once you and her got together, after all I did to try and get you to notice me, I became invisible to you. You saw nothing but her and it pained me, don't you see that."

"What are you saying?" He asked densely.

Sara sniffed loudly and wiped her nose. "I'm saying that I tried to show you we could be good together if you let there be an us, a relationship. But you turned me away after 4 years of making a fool out of myself and you went straight to her. Catherine." She spat out her name like sour lemon on her tongue.

TBC