Chapter Four: Replacement

It was when she returned his kiss that she first noticed it. The distinct taste of alcohol on his breath. The whole time he was here, the whole time he was arguing, he was drunk.

Sara corrected herself and pulled back slowly. "You're drunk." She watched his eyes flutter open.

Taking a moment to think, he sighed. "No. I'm not Sara."

Not believing what she was hearing or what had just happened, she pushed hard against his chest and stormed away from him. "You are drunk." She hissed, running her hand over her face.

"Sara, I'm not drunk." He insisted.

Turning to him, she couldn't stop the tears from once again falling. "You taste like whiskey Gil."

Taken back by his first name on her lips, he closed his eyes. "I only had one drink."

"Is that the courage you needed to come in here Grissom?" She asked testily as she wiped her face free of tears. "The drink give you the chance to face me?"

"Yes." He answered honestly. "It did help me, but I would have come sooner of later."

"Why not sooner, huh? Why leave it til' now?"

"I," He stopped and moved a few steps towards the couch, his back to her.

"Why Grissom!?" She demanded loudly.

He spun around. "Because you scare me! Because you confuse my head!" He shouted, sudden anger fuelling his words. "Because I feel something too!"

Sara clenched her hands into fists. "You are just SAYING THAT!"

"I'm Not!"

By now, gravity had them closing in on each other. Both were angry and tense.

"You can't say those things when your with another woman!" Sara pointed out, clearly angered that he was trying to lie to her.

"I can't help being in love with both!!" He roared, turning to storm away from her. His foot connected with the couch and he reflexively kicked it, hard, making the heavy frame jump from the floor and land with a loud thud.

Staring at the couch as it landed, she drew in a deep breath and held it, trying to fathom what he had just said. How can you love two people? She asked herself, then it hit her and her head snapped up with a gasp falling from her mouth.

Grissom looked back at her and sighed sadly. "I didn't want to say that."

"Why not?" She hesitantly asked. "Why come here at all if that's the real reason you came here in the first place. It's obvious now why you came." Sara shook her head and felt her whole body shrink in realisation. "I'm not going to do it Gil, no." She looked at him with a stern look through her dried tears. "I'm not her replacement. You can't come here and expect me to fall for that line. I will not fall into bed with you because you miss Catherine."

"That wasn't why I came."

"No?" She questioned. "Haven't you been listening to what you're saying? Because you just told me that you love me, and, Catherine. That it wasn't your intention to fall in love with her, but then you tell me you did it to show me you didn't want anything more than friendship from me.

"How can I believe you when you keep going in circles, saying one thing, meaning another? Then kissing me after saying you couldn't help loving her over me, only to be under the influence the entire time you've been here." She glared at him before finishing.

"I don't think I'll ever be able to believe anything you ever say again."

He stood there with a look of utter shock and panic on his face.

Shakily, Sara opened her door and waited. She watched him hang his head and walk slowly from her apartment, onto the landing and down the steps. In complete silence.

~*~

Sitting in her room in the dark, she couldn't think clearly. She had tried to, but things got in the way. Things like the argument, the kiss, the whole 3 years, the 3 months and the look on his face after she'd told him she'd never believe him again. It haunted her when she closed her eyes. She knew it would haunt her when she would sleep too.

She felt overwhelming guilt.

Maybe she should have given him a chance.

Mentally giving her head a quick shake, Sara sighed and stared up at the ceiling. She had nothing to be guilty about. She had listened, she had argued and she had uncovered his reason for doing what he had done and why he was at her apartment.

What did he think was going to happen? Did he think they wouldn't stop at the kiss and that, somehow, they'd end up going further? He must had known she'd figure it out that he'd been drinking as soon as he kissed her. It obviously didn't occur to him that she'd notice.

Even if she chose to ignore it, and slept with him, what would he want after it? Would he want it to happen regularly or would he only want it to happen when he missed Catherine and needed something to make him feel alive?

She didn't know if she could do that, that's why she couldn't let the kiss go any further. She knew that in the end, he'd choose Catherine and she'd be left to deal with what happened between them.

The only thing that was immediately worrying, was the fact that she had to work with Grissom when she went back to work Saturday night.

~*~

Wednesday turned out to be a busy day, considering it was Sara's third day of vacation. She had opted to help Yuki with her daily errands so she didn't have to think about Grissom too much. Though the distraction helped, it didn't completely push him far from her thoughts.

As they were walking through the grocery store, Sara smiled at Yuki as she bumped into someone at the fruit and veg display.

"Oh, I'm sorry." Yuki laughed as she bent to pick up a bag of apples that had fallen from the other persons hands.

"That's alright,"

Sara's head turned rapidly, the movement jarring her neck and hurt for a few painful minutes as she looked from Yuki to the man standing beside her.

Yuki smiled and watched as the man looked from her to Sara. "Well, I'm Yuki," She introduced herself, then moved to push Sara forward. "And this is my friend, Sara."

"We know each other." Sara said hastily. "Let's go Yuki."

"Oh, okay. Nice to meet you…" She smiled warmly at him.

"Grissom." The man answered.

Yuki nodded and smiled again as she reached for a bag of apples.

Further down the isle of canned food, Yuki looped her arm around Sara's and sighed. "I take it that's the one." She new the answer when Sara want to leave, but she felt it was time to ask some more questions to help her friend.

"Yeah." Sara sighed. "He's the one."

"He's so handsome."

"Mhmm." Sara nodded as she pulled some canned fruit from the shelf.

"You can tell me to shut up anytime, but," Yuki teased with a bright smile, which was responded with a light laugh from Sara. "What's going on between you two?"

Sara looked behind them. "His girlfriend left him a few months back."

Yuki's eyebrows rose. "Oh." She intoned.

"Yeah." Sara nodded. "Apparently he loves her, but he loves me too."

The seriousness in Sara's voice made Yuki wonder what else was going on and what had happened since yesterday morning.

"That's some serious stuff." Yuki huffed, picking up a tin of mince beef.

Sara chuckled. "You think?"

Yuki nodded. "Look at it this way, he told you."

"Only because he was drunk." She informed her.

"Oh." Yuki smiled slightly.

"That was after he kissed me." Sara continued. She looked at Yuki and couldn't help laughing at the animated look on her face. "It's not funny."

"I know." Yuki grinned. "What else happened?"

"He was trying to get me into bed. That's what would have happened if I didn't stop it."

"You didn't want to sleep with him?" Yuki asked.

Sara shook her head, but said. "Well, yes, I did, but not like this."

"You stopped it because you didn't want him to leave in the morning, thinking he could come back any time he wanted when he didn't want to be alone anymore."

Sara stopped walking and turned to her friend with a frown. "You think I'm being stupid, don't you?"

Yuki gasped. "Of course not! I think what you did was very brave. You knew what would happen before it even, happened." She smiled a little before sighing. "You care enough not to let that happen to both of you. He should be grateful that you stopped it when you did." Waiting a breath of a second, Yuki added. "You must really like him."

"I can't deny that I love him, but I'm not going to be Catherine's replacement." Sara said determinedly.

"Good for you sweetie." They started moving again and reached the checkout. "Why don't you go get a tub of ice cream while I wait in line." Yuki smiled as she stood behind a line of six people.

Sara smiled and nodded. "Ok. Be right back. No sweets!" She teased cheekily.

Once Sara had turned, Yuki's hand snaked out and grabbed a snickers bar. She turned back to the line and looked up to see a young man standing in front of her with a wide grin. Yuki chuckled and whispered. "Don't tell her." The young man nodded and grinned.

~*~

Sara looked at the ice cream in the long freezer, trying to choose one from a vast variety. The cold that seeped up and out from the coolers, chilled her body as she stood and made her choice.

"I would guess you're a chocolate kinda gal." Grissom teased from behind.

Turning slowly, Sara sighed, not wanting his teasing or his presence at this time, not so soon after their confrontation, of sorts.

"What are you doing here?" She asked.

"Shopping." He held up his basket for emphasis. "What about you, what are you doing here?"

"I'm shopping with Yuki."

"She seems like a nice lady." He offered.

Sara nodded. "She is."

"Good."

"Yeah."

No body spoke for a while and soon Sara turned away and reached for a tub of chocolate ice cream.

"Sara, I'm sorry about yesterday."

"Yeah, well, you were drunk." She dismissed as she place the tub into her other hand, swapping it back and forth to escape the immediate chill.

Grissom sighed. "I wasn't drunk. One drink doesn't mean I was incapacitated."

"Really? So you're not going to deny everything you said, or did?" Sara challenged, raising an eyebrow, urging him to answer.

Shifting from one foot to the other, he thought about what had happened, like he had all night. He looked at her and took a step closer. "I don't deny it. I want to apologise. I was upset and feeling alone."

"That doesn't give you any right to come to my home and try and talk me into bed Grissom." She shot back in a quiet hiss.

Grissom glanced up and down the isle before responding. He moved towards her and lowered his voice. "I didn't want it to look that way, but yes." He admitted. "One of my intentions was to get you into bed. I'm sorry."

Sara stepped back in shock at his admission. Why was she listening to this again? She had told him that she was never going to believe a thing he said again, so why was she listening?

She cleared her throat and closed her eyes briefly. "You would have left and it wouldn't have stopped there." She told him. "I probably would have let it happen if I didn't realise you had been drinking."

"I'm sorry I put you in that position. I'm sorry I'm doing this to you now, but Sara," He sighed. "I can't stop it." He took a final step and looked deep into her eyes. "I can't stop how I feel."

"You're only doing this because she's gone. You'll leave once she comes back." Sara struggled to keep her voice even.

"She's gone."

"She'll come back, you know it."

Grissom closed his eyes and breathed in, taking in the sweet smell of her perfume. "Why are you stopping this before it's even started?"

"Because it's not what you really want." Sara sniffled, finally letting her tired emotions show. "I would have let you in before this all started, but no anymore. You hurt me on purpose then and your hurting me on purpose now. I can't let this happen anymore. I know how you really feel, about her, about me and I won't let you use me." She pushed away from him and found Yuki waiting at the checkout.

~*~

Grissom sat in his office that night, thinking over what he was doing to Sara. He couldn't help himself as he cornered her in the grocery store that morning. Something griped him and he had to be close to her. For some reason, since he kissed her, he couldn't stop thinking about the softness of her lips or the warmth of her body again his. It was killing him to see her in so much pain, all because his heart was conflicted between two woman he loved more than anything in the world.

He had to choose and he had to do it fast. He needed Sara in his life, but Catherine was there, and understood him when he needed someone to talk to. But after a long relationship with his once, best friend, he realised that that's all she wanted. She didn't want marriage, she didn't want more children, she didn't want anything more than she already had, except money and control.

And she got both.

Grissom had been beating himself up so much in the past few months. He's a trained CSI, the most experienced of the lot of them and he didn't even see that his own friend and lover, was pulling the wool over his eyes. He let himself become blind to her unfaithfulness so he could live with the knowledge that she was the only one that would accept him for who he is and not what other's saw him to be.

The only person left was Sara and he was torturing her with his hastiness to put things right. He didn't want to waste more time, but after the past few days, he knew he needed to go slow to win her friendship and if she'd allow it, her heart too.

TBC