The Devil's Workshop
MysticShadowWanderer
*****
Chapter Twelve: Drifting Memories
"Leaving?!" Kaoru cried. "Where are you going?!"
Battousai took her hand in his and held it to his mouth. "Sh, love, calm down. I have to take care of that group of Chinese that I told you about, you knew that."
"Then take me with you!"
"I can't, darling, I can't risk your life," he said gently, trying his best to calm her. She was on the verge of hysteria, and that was the last thing he needed at the moment.
"But you can risk yours?"
"I promise you my life will be safe. I give you my word."
Kaoru was crying now, but she tried so hard to hide it, knowing that he wanted his woman emotionless at all times. Fascinated, he watched her struggling internally, marveling that she would go to such lengths simply to please him. When had she given herself over to him so fully? Because she'd never admitted it, at least vocally, he couldn't be sure, but he could tell by her actions that she had finally broken down. She was his, from now until the end of time, and he would make sure it stayed that way. She broke into his thoughts with an odd, strangled sound; he looked at her and saw that she was choking back tears.
"It's alright, love," he crooned, pulling her into his arms. "Go ahead and cry."
"B-but you s-s-said..." she stammered.
"Shh, pretty, I know." His voice was low and soothing. "You don't have to be strong for me, not right now."
"Battousai," she whimpered, and burst into tears. He stroked her hair and rocked her body in his tight embrace while she clung to him with all the strength she possessed.
Battousai sighed, this was turning out to be more difficult than he had thought it would. He'd never had trouble leaving a woman before, but now it felt like he was being torn to pieces. Most of him wanted to stay here, with her in his arms, and kiss away all of her fears. But his fierce protective nature would never allow that, because as long as he was with her and the Chinese assassins went unchallenged, she would be in danger. Another part of him, albeit minuscule, wanted to just get up and leave, run and never come back. Now matter how much he loved her, thought she might love him, he couldn't feel completely secure with her, for the simple fact that he did love her. He loved her so much to the point where it hurt, and that was frightening to him. Under normal circumsth knew it. He gave a low whistle. "Three weeks," he mused aloud. "And to think I have trouble keeping my hands off you."
Kaoru blushed, this wasn't what she'd wanted to talk about. "Battousai, I was being serious."
"So was I." He grinned. She slapped his shoulder lightly.
"Tell me how you became Battousai," she whispered, stretching forward to press a quick kiss to his lips. "How you lost the name Kenshin."
He sucked in a breath. "You aren't one to start easily, are you?" He seemed reluctant, and spent a few minutes deliberating on it. "If I tell you what you want to know, will you give me what I want?" he asked, his tone half teasing and half pained.
"Yes."
With a sigh, he slowly began stringing his words together, thinking carefully about how to tell his tale without confusing her.
"I was Himura Kenshin over... oh... it must have been two hundred fifty years ago, at least. It may have been longer, but I haven't cared to remember that." He took her hand and held it to his lips as he spoke, occasionally darting his tongue out to caress her palm. "I was a normal man, at least to the extent that I can be, just another samurai serving loyally under my lord. Mind you that we were under the rule of the Tokugawa shogunate, so there was not a terrible need for my skills at the time." Kaoru nodded, her father had taught her enough history when she was young, she was by no means stupid. He saw the question in her eyes. "Sekigahara? Yes, love, I was there. But that's not the point of this story. I was nothing but a samurai like my fellows, I followed orders and observed the proper code of conduct strictly. The man you know now is nothing like the one I used to be. Believe it or not, I was polite and peaceful. But it wasn't enough for me after a while... Maybe you were right to bring up Sekigahara. Maybe it was never enough for me. I remember that battle clearly, I think that was the first time I really tasted blood, really noticed how beautiful it was, and how intoxicating the feeling of killing was." He paused for a moment to kiss her and flick his tongue out to lick the tip of her nose briefly.
"Sides don't matter anymore, honestly it's difficult to remember whether I was fighting for Tokugawa Ieyasu, against him, or whether I was just there. That does seem to happen to me often, I tend to show up on the battlefield for hours at a time, I don't have to have a stance on the issue at all, as long as I can kill whomever I please." Kaoru's brow furrowed at the thought, but she didn't reprimand him, after all, she would be a fool to think she could change centuries' worth of instinct. "That's where I gained my thirst for blood, I think. And the life of a proper samurai very quickly grew tiresome and monotonous. I took the life of my own lord."
Kaoru's eyes grew so wide he was afraid they might completely fall out of her head if she opened them any further. He silenced her growing protest by resting the fingers of his free hand against her lips. "Hush. You said you wanted to know about me, and I'm telling you. If you interrupt me, I'll stop. I've never told anyone this, so just shut up and feel privileged." She nodded silently, urging him to continue without actually having to speak. "I murdered him, and then when the others came after me, you are, I'm sure, aware of how fiercely loyal samurai are to their lords, even in death, when they came after me... I slaughtered them all."
He closed his eyes for a moment, seeing himself once again standing among the bodies of countless felled samurai, each of which had died proudly for their lord. The overpowering scent of all the blood pooling at his feet came rushing back, it seemed almost tangible. In his mind he looked down at his hands and at his katana, both soaked crimson. Blood dripped from him, from his clothes, from his blade, from his hair even. There had been many of them. With a shake, he pulled himself back to the present world. Kaoru was simply staring at him incredulously.
"That was the time I began to lose the man I was, Himura Kenshin was dying quickly. You remember my eyes the first time I came to your dojo?" She nodded. "Those were the eyes of a proud, honorable samurai. A samurai who gave his life over to the bloodlust so long ago. I can still feel it, smell it, taste it even." He was no longer speaking to Kaoru, he was talking to himself now. "It was beautiful, so much blood. That was the first time I'd seen so much blood out of battle, the bright moonlight illuminating it in hues of scarlet and silver." Kaoru fought down the urge to hit him, to stop his reminiscing. The way he spoke of it with such fondness disgusted her, and she tried hard to keep it off her face. Even though he was a hitokiri, she knew he must have feelings, and that he'd most likely be hurt if she showed her utter hatred of what he was so enamored with. Suddenly he seemed to snap out of his trance, returning to telling his story.
"But that was not what killed Himura. His downfall was not my fault. It's not my fault, understand that. Not my fault..." he trailed off.
"What's not your fault?" Kaoru asked, tracing his scarred cheek with one finger. He was finally getting to the heart of the matter, the true emotions instead of just the facts and the bloodlust. If she only wanted facts, she could have found them out from someone else, with enough effort. What she wanted to know was how he felt.
"I didn't kill her," he whispered. "I didn't. It wasn't my fault. It's not my fault."
"Battousai?" Kaoru moved into his lap and wrapped her arms around his waist, laying her head on his shoulder. "Who didn't you kill?"
"My mother," he said, his voice catching. "It wasn't me, it wasn't my fault."
Kaoru's breath stopped suddenly. His mother? She wasn't even aware that his kind could have a mother. But that was absurd, really, if she paused to think about it. He had to have parents, she supposed, and if he was semi-mortal, did that mean one had to be human?
He steeled himself to continue. "She wasn't really my mother, not in the way that humans think of it at least. I don't truly have a mother." There went her theory. "But when I was young, I lived with a woman who acted as my mother. I wasn't Kenshin then... they called me Shinta." He took a deep, shuddering breath; she could tell this was very difficult for him. "But that was no name for a semi-mortal who excelled with a sword, so I changed it. It's been so very long, but I loved her. She accepted me, unlike everyone else I'd met. Even though I told no one, except for her, my secret, they could all sense it about me. When I would walk my lord's grounds at night, the other samurai would shy away from me, as if I were diseased. Maybe they could see it in my eyes. I don't know."
"But my mother, she was special. She loved me of her own accord, and took care of me. Shortly after Sekigahara I disappeared, leaving her. As much as I wanted to protect her, I knew that she truly didn't need it, and I was nothing but a hindrance," he went on, if a bit haltingly. "I didn't know she would come looking for me, how could I know? I knew she loved me, but she was wise. I didn't know... I didn't know..."
Kaoru cuddled closer to him, offering him silent comfort and strength. She could tell that it had been a long time since he'd relived this memory, and even longer since he'd spoken of it. His limbs were trembling slightly as he held on to her, as if she were his life. She hoped that was the truth of it, the thought gave her comfort.
"They... When they found her... I found her... right after I killed my lord and all his samurai... I didn't know who she was. I swung, but I missed. I KNOW I missed. But she fell dead anyhow, she'd been stabbed through the head." Kaoru lifted her eyes to look into his face, and was utterly stunned to see him holding back tears. "I didn't kill her, I didn't do it, I know I didn't do it. It couldn't have been me, I missed... I missed... didn't... no... not me..." his voice choked and he stopped, burying his head in Kaoru's hair.
"Battousai..." she whispered. She could feel his tears soaking through the shoulder of her kimono, but pretended that she didn't.
'So that was it,' she thought, remembering when she'd decided he was like a little boy sometimes, so long ago in that inn in the town she hadn't known. 'This burden was the one that was reaching me, calling out to me to help heal.' It was pleasing to know that she could help him, that now she was the one giving comfort instead of the other way around.
She gently stroked his hair and cheek where it was exposed. Feeling him press his face into her hand she smiled softly, carefully lifting his head to kiss his cheek where her fingers were before. He allowed her to see his tears, but kept his eyes shut. Something gave her the distinct feeling that his eyes were now a lovely hue of violet that he wouldn't want to share. That seemed to be one more thing that he would perceive as weakness, and she let it pass. He'd told and shown her so much already, she couldn't possibly ask for more. Slowly, using her lips, teeth, and tongue, she made him forget his tears.
She made her way from his eyes down ever so carefully, building the passion between them so that when she reached his lips their mouths clashed savagely, grinding together almost dangerously. He groaned into her mouth from deep in his throat, and she knew he needed her now more than ever. But their quickly escalating frenzy of movement was cut short by a loud, insistent knocking. Glaring with eyes that were once more burning amber, Battousai growled, surely loud enough for the person doing the knocking to be able to hear.
"What?" His tone was terse, clipped.
"Battousai, it's time that we leave," Aoshi said, his tone not giving the slightest implication that he knew what he was interrupting, even though it was more than likely that he did.
"Fuck," Battousai swore under his breath. "Couldn't he have come later?"
"No, Battousai." Aoshi had heard him. "It is imperative that we leave now. Timing is of the utmost importance, you know that."
"Right," he responded with a great sigh. "I'm aware."
"If you aren't on the street by the entrance within five minutes, I'll send Misao to barge into your room no matter what."
"Yes, Aoshi." Battousai was angrier than he'd been in a while, but disentangled himself from Kaoru's arms and stood to grab his few possessions that he'd earlier shoved into a sack and secure his katana and wakizashi at his waist. Kaoru got up and straightened herself out, and he took her hand in his as he slid the shoji open and made for the entrance to the Aoiya.
Standing there in the street, with the wind whipping through his hair and ruffling his black gi, a murderous glint in his narrowed eyes, Kaoru had never seen Battousai look more feral or more beautiful. Impulsively, she threw her arms around him and locked her mouth against his. When she pulled away, he held her in his arms for a moment, looking down at her. She gazed steadily into his eyes.
"Be careful, Battousai," she whispered. "Please be careful. I... love you."
He blinked once in shock, lowered his head for one last smouldering kiss, and released her. He walked away briskly at Aoshi's side, leaving her standing by Misao and watching his retreating figure in desperation.
"Don't worry Kaoru-chan," Misao said softly. "They'll be back."
*****
MysticShadowWanderer
*****
Chapter Twelve: Drifting Memories
"Leaving?!" Kaoru cried. "Where are you going?!"
Battousai took her hand in his and held it to his mouth. "Sh, love, calm down. I have to take care of that group of Chinese that I told you about, you knew that."
"Then take me with you!"
"I can't, darling, I can't risk your life," he said gently, trying his best to calm her. She was on the verge of hysteria, and that was the last thing he needed at the moment.
"But you can risk yours?"
"I promise you my life will be safe. I give you my word."
Kaoru was crying now, but she tried so hard to hide it, knowing that he wanted his woman emotionless at all times. Fascinated, he watched her struggling internally, marveling that she would go to such lengths simply to please him. When had she given herself over to him so fully? Because she'd never admitted it, at least vocally, he couldn't be sure, but he could tell by her actions that she had finally broken down. She was his, from now until the end of time, and he would make sure it stayed that way. She broke into his thoughts with an odd, strangled sound; he looked at her and saw that she was choking back tears.
"It's alright, love," he crooned, pulling her into his arms. "Go ahead and cry."
"B-but you s-s-said..." she stammered.
"Shh, pretty, I know." His voice was low and soothing. "You don't have to be strong for me, not right now."
"Battousai," she whimpered, and burst into tears. He stroked her hair and rocked her body in his tight embrace while she clung to him with all the strength she possessed.
Battousai sighed, this was turning out to be more difficult than he had thought it would. He'd never had trouble leaving a woman before, but now it felt like he was being torn to pieces. Most of him wanted to stay here, with her in his arms, and kiss away all of her fears. But his fierce protective nature would never allow that, because as long as he was with her and the Chinese assassins went unchallenged, she would be in danger. Another part of him, albeit minuscule, wanted to just get up and leave, run and never come back. Now matter how much he loved her, thought she might love him, he couldn't feel completely secure with her, for the simple fact that he did love her. He loved her so much to the point where it hurt, and that was frightening to him. Under normal circumsth knew it. He gave a low whistle. "Three weeks," he mused aloud. "And to think I have trouble keeping my hands off you."
Kaoru blushed, this wasn't what she'd wanted to talk about. "Battousai, I was being serious."
"So was I." He grinned. She slapped his shoulder lightly.
"Tell me how you became Battousai," she whispered, stretching forward to press a quick kiss to his lips. "How you lost the name Kenshin."
He sucked in a breath. "You aren't one to start easily, are you?" He seemed reluctant, and spent a few minutes deliberating on it. "If I tell you what you want to know, will you give me what I want?" he asked, his tone half teasing and half pained.
"Yes."
With a sigh, he slowly began stringing his words together, thinking carefully about how to tell his tale without confusing her.
"I was Himura Kenshin over... oh... it must have been two hundred fifty years ago, at least. It may have been longer, but I haven't cared to remember that." He took her hand and held it to his lips as he spoke, occasionally darting his tongue out to caress her palm. "I was a normal man, at least to the extent that I can be, just another samurai serving loyally under my lord. Mind you that we were under the rule of the Tokugawa shogunate, so there was not a terrible need for my skills at the time." Kaoru nodded, her father had taught her enough history when she was young, she was by no means stupid. He saw the question in her eyes. "Sekigahara? Yes, love, I was there. But that's not the point of this story. I was nothing but a samurai like my fellows, I followed orders and observed the proper code of conduct strictly. The man you know now is nothing like the one I used to be. Believe it or not, I was polite and peaceful. But it wasn't enough for me after a while... Maybe you were right to bring up Sekigahara. Maybe it was never enough for me. I remember that battle clearly, I think that was the first time I really tasted blood, really noticed how beautiful it was, and how intoxicating the feeling of killing was." He paused for a moment to kiss her and flick his tongue out to lick the tip of her nose briefly.
"Sides don't matter anymore, honestly it's difficult to remember whether I was fighting for Tokugawa Ieyasu, against him, or whether I was just there. That does seem to happen to me often, I tend to show up on the battlefield for hours at a time, I don't have to have a stance on the issue at all, as long as I can kill whomever I please." Kaoru's brow furrowed at the thought, but she didn't reprimand him, after all, she would be a fool to think she could change centuries' worth of instinct. "That's where I gained my thirst for blood, I think. And the life of a proper samurai very quickly grew tiresome and monotonous. I took the life of my own lord."
Kaoru's eyes grew so wide he was afraid they might completely fall out of her head if she opened them any further. He silenced her growing protest by resting the fingers of his free hand against her lips. "Hush. You said you wanted to know about me, and I'm telling you. If you interrupt me, I'll stop. I've never told anyone this, so just shut up and feel privileged." She nodded silently, urging him to continue without actually having to speak. "I murdered him, and then when the others came after me, you are, I'm sure, aware of how fiercely loyal samurai are to their lords, even in death, when they came after me... I slaughtered them all."
He closed his eyes for a moment, seeing himself once again standing among the bodies of countless felled samurai, each of which had died proudly for their lord. The overpowering scent of all the blood pooling at his feet came rushing back, it seemed almost tangible. In his mind he looked down at his hands and at his katana, both soaked crimson. Blood dripped from him, from his clothes, from his blade, from his hair even. There had been many of them. With a shake, he pulled himself back to the present world. Kaoru was simply staring at him incredulously.
"That was the time I began to lose the man I was, Himura Kenshin was dying quickly. You remember my eyes the first time I came to your dojo?" She nodded. "Those were the eyes of a proud, honorable samurai. A samurai who gave his life over to the bloodlust so long ago. I can still feel it, smell it, taste it even." He was no longer speaking to Kaoru, he was talking to himself now. "It was beautiful, so much blood. That was the first time I'd seen so much blood out of battle, the bright moonlight illuminating it in hues of scarlet and silver." Kaoru fought down the urge to hit him, to stop his reminiscing. The way he spoke of it with such fondness disgusted her, and she tried hard to keep it off her face. Even though he was a hitokiri, she knew he must have feelings, and that he'd most likely be hurt if she showed her utter hatred of what he was so enamored with. Suddenly he seemed to snap out of his trance, returning to telling his story.
"But that was not what killed Himura. His downfall was not my fault. It's not my fault, understand that. Not my fault..." he trailed off.
"What's not your fault?" Kaoru asked, tracing his scarred cheek with one finger. He was finally getting to the heart of the matter, the true emotions instead of just the facts and the bloodlust. If she only wanted facts, she could have found them out from someone else, with enough effort. What she wanted to know was how he felt.
"I didn't kill her," he whispered. "I didn't. It wasn't my fault. It's not my fault."
"Battousai?" Kaoru moved into his lap and wrapped her arms around his waist, laying her head on his shoulder. "Who didn't you kill?"
"My mother," he said, his voice catching. "It wasn't me, it wasn't my fault."
Kaoru's breath stopped suddenly. His mother? She wasn't even aware that his kind could have a mother. But that was absurd, really, if she paused to think about it. He had to have parents, she supposed, and if he was semi-mortal, did that mean one had to be human?
He steeled himself to continue. "She wasn't really my mother, not in the way that humans think of it at least. I don't truly have a mother." There went her theory. "But when I was young, I lived with a woman who acted as my mother. I wasn't Kenshin then... they called me Shinta." He took a deep, shuddering breath; she could tell this was very difficult for him. "But that was no name for a semi-mortal who excelled with a sword, so I changed it. It's been so very long, but I loved her. She accepted me, unlike everyone else I'd met. Even though I told no one, except for her, my secret, they could all sense it about me. When I would walk my lord's grounds at night, the other samurai would shy away from me, as if I were diseased. Maybe they could see it in my eyes. I don't know."
"But my mother, she was special. She loved me of her own accord, and took care of me. Shortly after Sekigahara I disappeared, leaving her. As much as I wanted to protect her, I knew that she truly didn't need it, and I was nothing but a hindrance," he went on, if a bit haltingly. "I didn't know she would come looking for me, how could I know? I knew she loved me, but she was wise. I didn't know... I didn't know..."
Kaoru cuddled closer to him, offering him silent comfort and strength. She could tell that it had been a long time since he'd relived this memory, and even longer since he'd spoken of it. His limbs were trembling slightly as he held on to her, as if she were his life. She hoped that was the truth of it, the thought gave her comfort.
"They... When they found her... I found her... right after I killed my lord and all his samurai... I didn't know who she was. I swung, but I missed. I KNOW I missed. But she fell dead anyhow, she'd been stabbed through the head." Kaoru lifted her eyes to look into his face, and was utterly stunned to see him holding back tears. "I didn't kill her, I didn't do it, I know I didn't do it. It couldn't have been me, I missed... I missed... didn't... no... not me..." his voice choked and he stopped, burying his head in Kaoru's hair.
"Battousai..." she whispered. She could feel his tears soaking through the shoulder of her kimono, but pretended that she didn't.
'So that was it,' she thought, remembering when she'd decided he was like a little boy sometimes, so long ago in that inn in the town she hadn't known. 'This burden was the one that was reaching me, calling out to me to help heal.' It was pleasing to know that she could help him, that now she was the one giving comfort instead of the other way around.
She gently stroked his hair and cheek where it was exposed. Feeling him press his face into her hand she smiled softly, carefully lifting his head to kiss his cheek where her fingers were before. He allowed her to see his tears, but kept his eyes shut. Something gave her the distinct feeling that his eyes were now a lovely hue of violet that he wouldn't want to share. That seemed to be one more thing that he would perceive as weakness, and she let it pass. He'd told and shown her so much already, she couldn't possibly ask for more. Slowly, using her lips, teeth, and tongue, she made him forget his tears.
She made her way from his eyes down ever so carefully, building the passion between them so that when she reached his lips their mouths clashed savagely, grinding together almost dangerously. He groaned into her mouth from deep in his throat, and she knew he needed her now more than ever. But their quickly escalating frenzy of movement was cut short by a loud, insistent knocking. Glaring with eyes that were once more burning amber, Battousai growled, surely loud enough for the person doing the knocking to be able to hear.
"What?" His tone was terse, clipped.
"Battousai, it's time that we leave," Aoshi said, his tone not giving the slightest implication that he knew what he was interrupting, even though it was more than likely that he did.
"Fuck," Battousai swore under his breath. "Couldn't he have come later?"
"No, Battousai." Aoshi had heard him. "It is imperative that we leave now. Timing is of the utmost importance, you know that."
"Right," he responded with a great sigh. "I'm aware."
"If you aren't on the street by the entrance within five minutes, I'll send Misao to barge into your room no matter what."
"Yes, Aoshi." Battousai was angrier than he'd been in a while, but disentangled himself from Kaoru's arms and stood to grab his few possessions that he'd earlier shoved into a sack and secure his katana and wakizashi at his waist. Kaoru got up and straightened herself out, and he took her hand in his as he slid the shoji open and made for the entrance to the Aoiya.
Standing there in the street, with the wind whipping through his hair and ruffling his black gi, a murderous glint in his narrowed eyes, Kaoru had never seen Battousai look more feral or more beautiful. Impulsively, she threw her arms around him and locked her mouth against his. When she pulled away, he held her in his arms for a moment, looking down at her. She gazed steadily into his eyes.
"Be careful, Battousai," she whispered. "Please be careful. I... love you."
He blinked once in shock, lowered his head for one last smouldering kiss, and released her. He walked away briskly at Aoshi's side, leaving her standing by Misao and watching his retreating figure in desperation.
"Don't worry Kaoru-chan," Misao said softly. "They'll be back."
*****