The Devil's Workshop
MysticShadowWanderer
*****
Chapter Thirteen: Anguish
The sky was scarcely less than wholly blackened, Kaoru noted, with only a single dim star shining through the masses of clouds. Her hands twisted in the folds of her faded navy colored training gi, which she now wore constantly. It didn't seem worth the effort to tuck herself into a kimono when Battousai wasn't there to run an approvingly heated gaze over her. Closing her eyes, she leaned back against the rough bark of the tree she was sitting under. The momentary shiver that passed through her as she felt the bite of the chill wind went completely ignored. She just didn't care anymore. It was as if nothing held any meaning unless he was there with her. Almost as though he was the motivation behind everything she did and everything that happened. Like he was the reason for her existence. That thought was more than a little frightening, because not a month and a half ago she was a tough, independent girl that was fully capable of maintaining her own dojo and of teaching students in the Kamiya Kasshin Ryuu. Not that there had been any students at the time Battousai came, she reminded herself, but, in all seriousness, that was beside the point, though she wasn't exactly sure what the point was to begin with. Battousai was so confusing, and the feelings she had for him were even more puzzling than the man himself. She wasn't sure she could stand to think of him, yet she couldn't see anything but the beautifully daunting amber of his eyes that burned with so much pent-up hatred and hurt. She would give anything to lose herself in those eyes at that moment.
A deep sigh escaped her, seeming to come from not only her throat but the very depths of her soul. Tracing her fingers in the dust and dying grass at her side, she wondered why she hadn't heard anything from Battousai, why he hadn't sent some sort of message, and why she couldn't do anything but idly pass the time and await his return. Her heart called out to him, but he was so far away. She knew he couldn't hear him. Still, she supposed that it certainly couldn't hurt anything, besides her heart and her spirit. And without him, why would she need either?
"Battousai..."
***
Sometimes during his journey Battousai would get the feeling that Kaoru was thinking of him at that moment, and it was all he could do not to stop dead in his tracks and turn back. If he hadn't restrained himself, he would have run back to her several times.
This wasn't like him, and he knew it. That irked him, because he'd sworn never to have a weakness, and, most especially, never to fall in love. But here he found himself, tracking down assassins, a normal task for him, and all the while longing to return to Kaoru, a feeling so unnatural to him that it tore at his mind.
'How could it come to this?' he wondered. 'Why have I let myself get so far lost in this? In love with a mortal girl that I'd give my life to protect.' He was shocked at his own thoughts. 'My life?'
For all his trying, he could not force himself to fall out of love with her, as much as he wished he could. The tangle of emotions, love, sorrow, anger, that they were in was so terribly deep and frighteningly complicated. And that also made their confusing relationship all the more risky, maybe even life-threateningly so. He couldn't help but wonder how it would all turn out in the end, and none of the outcomes he could come up with in his mind were too pleasant to think of. Still, he would love her until he died, which promised to be a good long time. It was unavoidable, all things considered, simply because he was semi-mortal.
'Kaoru.' Even her name was beautiful to him, a prettily rounded word that encompassed all that she was when he carefully melted it into a shape and form within the confines of his mind. That was when he knew who she really was, who he really was, but he couldn't describe it to himself, much less anyone else. A name was nothing but meaningless letters until he made them something more, like liquid silver that flowed gracefully in soft curves that twisted and bent in mystifying ways. It hadn't taken him long to realize that he couldn't capture emotion in the bondage of syllables and unintelligible sounds. Those things weren't what was real, what was real took shape and form, was tangible and audible, was something he could run his hands over. He didn't know how to express this, but that didn't terribly matter in the dark and cold, when his outline faded to become one with the shapes of the trees bordering the road, when the world in their sleeping forgot of his existence and were content behind the shades of their eyes, their own blinders.
"Battousai," Aoshi interrupted his thoughts. "You're losing yourself in her," he whispered, knowing that the Battousai wouldn't be pleased for the others of their company to overhear this conversation. "Don't let your senses slip so much. You aren't as alert as usual." With no more than that, he quietly moved away to the front of the group, leaving Battousai as a rearguard of sorts, with nothing to do but ponder his words.
"Shit."
***
"Don't worry, Kaoru-chan, they're coming back, and probably sooner than we'd think," Misao said consolingly, noticing how upset Kaoru looked while sitting under the tree and jerking her out of her deep thoughts.
"How can you be so sure?" Kaoru asked, head hung and voice low. "What if Battousai is killed?" Her tone was flat, almost painfully objective. It nearly brought tears to Misao's own eyes to hear Kaoru so depressed, it just wasn't like her.
'And Aoshi,' a tiny voice in her head whispered. 'You're just as worried about Aoshi-sama.' Misao ignored the voice and seated herself next to Kaoru.
"Battousai-san will be back," she said sagely, all the while gazing steadfastly out at the roiling clouds that threatened to spill upon them. "He love you, Kaoru-chan, so he'll be back. Besides, he's been on plenty more dangerous missions than this and has always returned. Something like this is nothing to him."
"He loves me?" Kaoru seemed to have stopped hearing at that point. "Did he tell you that?"
"Oh no, of course not," Misao chirped, almost overly happy for the situation. "But I could tell, call it a woman's intuition or something. Plus, everyone saw the way he kissed you." She nudged Kaoru, who flushed, with her elbow and gave her a sly wink. "The man is head over heels."
Kaoru sighed and dropped her chin in her palm. "I certainly hope so. But that doesn't stop me from worrying."
"Me either," Misao said quietly. Kaoru looked at her curiously and she quickly backtracked. "I mean, I just always worry for Aoshi-sama, since I've known him for so long and all."
Kaoru stared intently at Misao, who once more became enraptured with the single star that flickered on the horizon. She decided it best not to ask questions, since she was fairly certain she knew what Misao was thinking about anyhow.
"They're seeing that star right now," Kaoru whispered. "That one, tiny, hopeless star. I know so very well how it must feel..."
***
A small but persistent star hung low, just barely grazing the tops of the distant trees. It fought desperately to be seen through the thick cloud cover, but went unnoticed by most. For many people, there was not the time to be watching this star in its losing battle with the darkness that threatened to readily swallow its meager light. When even the moon was invisible within its shroud of ice and cold, this star strove on. But no one took the time to look upward, either too occupied in another task or sleeping in the comfort of their homes, and the dedication and dying tenacity of this fragile celestial being was ignored.
Battousai peered at the star for an instant, momentarily wondering which one it was. Without other stars to join it in a constellation, it was unidentifiable. His attention was frequently drawn back to that star, as if some force pulled him to gaze at it. At times, he could almost feel the beat of Kaoru's heart within his. All at once the feeling was beautiful and terrible. It was as if his own soul were shattering with not being with her, with bearing her sorrow and his together.
'This is no time to be poetic,' he hissed at himself mentally. 'You're a hitokiri, not a philosopher, and right now you've got to be on your guard. Snap out of it, Himura.'
He still thought of himself as Himura, the man that he'd long ago given up on trying to be. Even though he'd told Kaoru that Himura Kenshin was dead, and believed it himself, the name had stayed with him, and, as the saying went, old habits die hard. It was like a disease that hung on him, the past that he carried, the malady of bloodlust and madness. The edge of terror, a place he'd visited many times, but never crossed in to, was empty to him; he didn't know where to go with his life. And so he hung on to the illusion of the noble samurai, Himura Kenshin. In the depths of his heart, he knew that man was one who was lost to the world, and could never regain control of the insanity of his thirst for death and blood.
In his mind he ran down desperate streets, always when he closed his eyes, not knowing where to turn or who to trust. So he'd come to the conclusion: no one. Then he stumbled upon Kaoru, and she threw his already fragile mind further out of balance. The only constants in this life, to him, were blood and pain. If he cut himself, it would sting, and it would bleed, he could always be certain of that. Numerous scars, faint though they were, racing up and down his arms were proof enough of that. He unconsciously drew his fingers over them again, a reminder of who he was. His past was inescapable, and his future loomed ominously in front of him. He no longer knew what to do.
Aoshi's voice eventually broke into his thoughts; he cursed himself for letting his mind wander so easily yet again. The group stole off into the forest a ways and settled down to camp for a few hours, letting the watch be in shifts as was typical of nearly any travelers. Battousai was not expected to take a turn as sentry, partly because of the simple fact of who he was, and also due to the others' distrust of him. They knew that he would always act in his best interest, as the lives of others had little to no value to him. He smirked as he leaned against a tree to doze.
Darkness was in his dreams in curves and lines, in both shadow and light. It haunted and hunted him, taunting him with visions of pleasant futures that he knew he could not have. He drifted slowly outward, toward the horizon, reaching further into his mind to discover one more time just who he was and why he was alive.
*****
MysticShadowWanderer
*****
Chapter Thirteen: Anguish
The sky was scarcely less than wholly blackened, Kaoru noted, with only a single dim star shining through the masses of clouds. Her hands twisted in the folds of her faded navy colored training gi, which she now wore constantly. It didn't seem worth the effort to tuck herself into a kimono when Battousai wasn't there to run an approvingly heated gaze over her. Closing her eyes, she leaned back against the rough bark of the tree she was sitting under. The momentary shiver that passed through her as she felt the bite of the chill wind went completely ignored. She just didn't care anymore. It was as if nothing held any meaning unless he was there with her. Almost as though he was the motivation behind everything she did and everything that happened. Like he was the reason for her existence. That thought was more than a little frightening, because not a month and a half ago she was a tough, independent girl that was fully capable of maintaining her own dojo and of teaching students in the Kamiya Kasshin Ryuu. Not that there had been any students at the time Battousai came, she reminded herself, but, in all seriousness, that was beside the point, though she wasn't exactly sure what the point was to begin with. Battousai was so confusing, and the feelings she had for him were even more puzzling than the man himself. She wasn't sure she could stand to think of him, yet she couldn't see anything but the beautifully daunting amber of his eyes that burned with so much pent-up hatred and hurt. She would give anything to lose herself in those eyes at that moment.
A deep sigh escaped her, seeming to come from not only her throat but the very depths of her soul. Tracing her fingers in the dust and dying grass at her side, she wondered why she hadn't heard anything from Battousai, why he hadn't sent some sort of message, and why she couldn't do anything but idly pass the time and await his return. Her heart called out to him, but he was so far away. She knew he couldn't hear him. Still, she supposed that it certainly couldn't hurt anything, besides her heart and her spirit. And without him, why would she need either?
"Battousai..."
***
Sometimes during his journey Battousai would get the feeling that Kaoru was thinking of him at that moment, and it was all he could do not to stop dead in his tracks and turn back. If he hadn't restrained himself, he would have run back to her several times.
This wasn't like him, and he knew it. That irked him, because he'd sworn never to have a weakness, and, most especially, never to fall in love. But here he found himself, tracking down assassins, a normal task for him, and all the while longing to return to Kaoru, a feeling so unnatural to him that it tore at his mind.
'How could it come to this?' he wondered. 'Why have I let myself get so far lost in this? In love with a mortal girl that I'd give my life to protect.' He was shocked at his own thoughts. 'My life?'
For all his trying, he could not force himself to fall out of love with her, as much as he wished he could. The tangle of emotions, love, sorrow, anger, that they were in was so terribly deep and frighteningly complicated. And that also made their confusing relationship all the more risky, maybe even life-threateningly so. He couldn't help but wonder how it would all turn out in the end, and none of the outcomes he could come up with in his mind were too pleasant to think of. Still, he would love her until he died, which promised to be a good long time. It was unavoidable, all things considered, simply because he was semi-mortal.
'Kaoru.' Even her name was beautiful to him, a prettily rounded word that encompassed all that she was when he carefully melted it into a shape and form within the confines of his mind. That was when he knew who she really was, who he really was, but he couldn't describe it to himself, much less anyone else. A name was nothing but meaningless letters until he made them something more, like liquid silver that flowed gracefully in soft curves that twisted and bent in mystifying ways. It hadn't taken him long to realize that he couldn't capture emotion in the bondage of syllables and unintelligible sounds. Those things weren't what was real, what was real took shape and form, was tangible and audible, was something he could run his hands over. He didn't know how to express this, but that didn't terribly matter in the dark and cold, when his outline faded to become one with the shapes of the trees bordering the road, when the world in their sleeping forgot of his existence and were content behind the shades of their eyes, their own blinders.
"Battousai," Aoshi interrupted his thoughts. "You're losing yourself in her," he whispered, knowing that the Battousai wouldn't be pleased for the others of their company to overhear this conversation. "Don't let your senses slip so much. You aren't as alert as usual." With no more than that, he quietly moved away to the front of the group, leaving Battousai as a rearguard of sorts, with nothing to do but ponder his words.
"Shit."
***
"Don't worry, Kaoru-chan, they're coming back, and probably sooner than we'd think," Misao said consolingly, noticing how upset Kaoru looked while sitting under the tree and jerking her out of her deep thoughts.
"How can you be so sure?" Kaoru asked, head hung and voice low. "What if Battousai is killed?" Her tone was flat, almost painfully objective. It nearly brought tears to Misao's own eyes to hear Kaoru so depressed, it just wasn't like her.
'And Aoshi,' a tiny voice in her head whispered. 'You're just as worried about Aoshi-sama.' Misao ignored the voice and seated herself next to Kaoru.
"Battousai-san will be back," she said sagely, all the while gazing steadfastly out at the roiling clouds that threatened to spill upon them. "He love you, Kaoru-chan, so he'll be back. Besides, he's been on plenty more dangerous missions than this and has always returned. Something like this is nothing to him."
"He loves me?" Kaoru seemed to have stopped hearing at that point. "Did he tell you that?"
"Oh no, of course not," Misao chirped, almost overly happy for the situation. "But I could tell, call it a woman's intuition or something. Plus, everyone saw the way he kissed you." She nudged Kaoru, who flushed, with her elbow and gave her a sly wink. "The man is head over heels."
Kaoru sighed and dropped her chin in her palm. "I certainly hope so. But that doesn't stop me from worrying."
"Me either," Misao said quietly. Kaoru looked at her curiously and she quickly backtracked. "I mean, I just always worry for Aoshi-sama, since I've known him for so long and all."
Kaoru stared intently at Misao, who once more became enraptured with the single star that flickered on the horizon. She decided it best not to ask questions, since she was fairly certain she knew what Misao was thinking about anyhow.
"They're seeing that star right now," Kaoru whispered. "That one, tiny, hopeless star. I know so very well how it must feel..."
***
A small but persistent star hung low, just barely grazing the tops of the distant trees. It fought desperately to be seen through the thick cloud cover, but went unnoticed by most. For many people, there was not the time to be watching this star in its losing battle with the darkness that threatened to readily swallow its meager light. When even the moon was invisible within its shroud of ice and cold, this star strove on. But no one took the time to look upward, either too occupied in another task or sleeping in the comfort of their homes, and the dedication and dying tenacity of this fragile celestial being was ignored.
Battousai peered at the star for an instant, momentarily wondering which one it was. Without other stars to join it in a constellation, it was unidentifiable. His attention was frequently drawn back to that star, as if some force pulled him to gaze at it. At times, he could almost feel the beat of Kaoru's heart within his. All at once the feeling was beautiful and terrible. It was as if his own soul were shattering with not being with her, with bearing her sorrow and his together.
'This is no time to be poetic,' he hissed at himself mentally. 'You're a hitokiri, not a philosopher, and right now you've got to be on your guard. Snap out of it, Himura.'
He still thought of himself as Himura, the man that he'd long ago given up on trying to be. Even though he'd told Kaoru that Himura Kenshin was dead, and believed it himself, the name had stayed with him, and, as the saying went, old habits die hard. It was like a disease that hung on him, the past that he carried, the malady of bloodlust and madness. The edge of terror, a place he'd visited many times, but never crossed in to, was empty to him; he didn't know where to go with his life. And so he hung on to the illusion of the noble samurai, Himura Kenshin. In the depths of his heart, he knew that man was one who was lost to the world, and could never regain control of the insanity of his thirst for death and blood.
In his mind he ran down desperate streets, always when he closed his eyes, not knowing where to turn or who to trust. So he'd come to the conclusion: no one. Then he stumbled upon Kaoru, and she threw his already fragile mind further out of balance. The only constants in this life, to him, were blood and pain. If he cut himself, it would sting, and it would bleed, he could always be certain of that. Numerous scars, faint though they were, racing up and down his arms were proof enough of that. He unconsciously drew his fingers over them again, a reminder of who he was. His past was inescapable, and his future loomed ominously in front of him. He no longer knew what to do.
Aoshi's voice eventually broke into his thoughts; he cursed himself for letting his mind wander so easily yet again. The group stole off into the forest a ways and settled down to camp for a few hours, letting the watch be in shifts as was typical of nearly any travelers. Battousai was not expected to take a turn as sentry, partly because of the simple fact of who he was, and also due to the others' distrust of him. They knew that he would always act in his best interest, as the lives of others had little to no value to him. He smirked as he leaned against a tree to doze.
Darkness was in his dreams in curves and lines, in both shadow and light. It haunted and hunted him, taunting him with visions of pleasant futures that he knew he could not have. He drifted slowly outward, toward the horizon, reaching further into his mind to discover one more time just who he was and why he was alive.
*****