Hi, I'm back! I know many of you liked the "I am going to tell you something…" stories, but I decided to make this into something new. I'll go through most of the chapters in any of the four books and write: "What Could Have Been and Should Have Been". Basically, I'll make fun of the scenes and characters. Well, I hope you enjoy, and if you have any suggestions on chapters I should do or something, please let me know!
Book 5
What could have been and should have been: The Sorting Hat's New Song
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"Well, now that we are all digesting another magnificent feast, I beg a few moments of your attention for the usual start-of-term notices" said Dumbledore. "First years ought to know that the forest in the grounds is out of bounds to students—and a few of your older students ought to know that by now too.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione exchanged smirks.
"And also, I have some good news-"
"Lupin's back? Hagrid didn't bring anything dangerous to the school this year?" A student blurted out.
"No," said Dumbledore. "I saved a lot of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico"
The students all groaned and stormed off to their common rooms.
"What? I saved! I thought that meant something to you!"
_($)_
The school waited with batted breath. Then the rim near the hat's brim opened wide like a mouth and the sorting hat burst into song:
In times of old when I was new
And Hogwarts barley started
The founders of our noble school
Thought never to be parted.
United by a common goal,
They had the selfsame yearning
To make the world's best magic school
And pass along their learning
"Together we will build and teach"The four good friends decided
And never did they dream that they
Might somday be divided
For were there such friends anywhere
As Slytherin and Gryffindor?
Unless it was the other pair--------
Oh, screw it!
1,2,3 go!
My baby don't mess around
Because she loves me so
And this I know fo sho
But does she really wanna
But can't stand to see me walk out the do'
Don't try to fight the feeling
'Cause the thought alone
Is killing me right now
Thank God for Mom and Dad
For sticking two together
Cause we don't know how
Hey ya….Hey ya….
Hey ya….Hey ya….
Hey ya….Hey ya….
Hey ya….Hey ya….
You think you've got it
Oh, you think you've got it
But got it just don't get it
Til theres's nothing at all (Ah!)
We get together
Oh, we get together
But separate's always better
When there's feelings involved (Oh!)
If what they say is 'nothing is forever,' Then what makes Then what makes
Then what makes
Then what makes
Then what makes (What makes? What makes?)
Love the exception?
So why oh, why oh
Why oh, why oh, why oh
Are we so in denial
When we know we're not happy here?
(Ya'll don't want to hear me
You just want to dance
Hey Ya.. Hey Ya
Hey Ya.. Hey Ya
Hey Ya.. Hey Ya
Hey Ya.. Hey Ya)
Oh oh!
Oh oh!
Don't want to meet your daddy (Oh oh!)
Just want you in my Caddy (Oh oh! Oh oh!)
Don't want to meet your momma (Oh oh!)
Just want to make you come-a (Oh oh!)
I'm (Oh oh!)
I'm (Oh oh!)
I'm just being honest (Oh oh
I'm just being honest
Hey! Alright now!
Alright now, fellas! (Yeah!)
Now what's cooler than being cool? (Ice cold!)
I can't hear ya!
I say what's, what's cooler than being cool? (Ice cold!)
Alright! (15x)
Okay now, ladies! (Yeah!)
Now we gon' break this thing down in just a few seconds
Now don't have me break this thing down for nothin!
Now I wanna see ya'll on ya'll baddest behavior!
Lend me some sugar!
I am your neighbor!
Ah! Here we go! Uh!
Shake it, sh-shake it (Oh oh!)
Shake it, sh-shake it Shake it, sh-shake it
Shake it, shake it
Sh-shake it (Oh oh!)
Shake it like a polaroid picture Shake it, sh-shake it (Hey ya!)
Shake it, sh-shake it
Shake it, shake it
Shake it, sh-shake it (Shake it sugar!)
Shake it like a polaroid picture (Shake it, sh-shake it
Shake it, sh-shake it
Shake it, sh-shake it
Shake it, shake it
Sh-shake it
Shake it like a polaroid picture
Shake it, sh-shake it
Shake it, shake it
Shake it, sh-shake it
Shake it like a polaroid picture)
Now all Beyonce's and Lucy Lui's and baby dolls
Get on the floor
Get on the floor
You know what to do
You know what to do
You know what to do
Hey Ya.. Hey Ya
Hey Ya.. Hey Ya
Hey Ya.. Hey Ya
Hey Ya.. Hey Ya
Hey Ya.. Hey Ya...
The sorting hat usually confined itself to describing the different qualities looked for by each of the four houses of Hogwarts and its own role in sorting them; Harry could not remember it ever trying to sing and dance to Outkast before.
_($)_
…Professor McGonagall lowered her eyes to her long piece of parchment and called out,
"Abercrombie, Euan"
The terrified looking by Harry noticed earlier stumbled and put the hat on his head. The hat considered for a moment, then the rip near the brim opened again and shouted "GRYFFINDOR!"
Harry clapped loudly with the rest of Gryffindor House as Euan Abercrombie staggered to their table and sat down, looking as though he would like to sink through the floor.
"Hello, Euan Abercrombie." Hermione said kindly.
"That's an odd name" Ron said and Hermione slapped him.
"Well," Euan explained, "Actually, Euan is just a cover-up. My real name is Fitch"
Harry, Ron, and Hermione just stared.
_($)_
"…It's a figure of speech!" said Nearly Headless Nick, now so annoyed his head was trembling ominously on his partially severed neck. "I assume I am still allowed to enjoy the use of whichever words I like, even if the pleasures of eating and drinking are denied me! But I am quite used to students poking fun at my death, I assure you!"
"Nick, he wasn't really laughing at you!" said Hermione, throwing a furious look at Ron.
Unfortunately, Ron's mouth was packed to exploding point again and all he could manage to say was "node iddum eentup sechew" which Nick did not seem to think constituted an adequate apology. Rising into the air he straightened his feathered hat and swept away from them to the other end of the table, coming to rest between the Creevy brothers, Colin and Dennis.
"Well done, Ron" snapped Hermione.
"What did he say?" asked Harry, confused.
"Dy ced, node iddum eentup sechew" Ron repeated as though the meaning were obvious.
"Well, what ever it was, it was rude. And I can see how anyone would take offence at seeing Ron talk with his mouth full." Hermione sneered.
Ron looked angrily at her and then noticed Harry still wore a confused look. Ron repeated what he had just said.
"Ron, I really can't understand you." Harry said clearly, and for the third time, Ron repeated what he had said rather impatiently.
"Nose eat 'em. Ketchup says shoe?" Harry tried to translate unsuccessfully. Ron rolled his eyes and opened his mouth, about to speak again.
"No, Ron, don't bother talking until you're finished chewing. Honestly!" Hermione reprimanded. Ron glared at her, but closed his mouth and began to chew slowly. After several minutes, it became clear that Ron was not getting anywhere.
"Ronald, what on earth are you doing? Eat! It's not that hard!"
Ron opened his mouth to breathe, but he ended up choking on the lump of mush that was food that rested in his mouth and never seemed to get smaller. Ron hacked and coughed until Hermione and Harry realized there was something wrong with him.
The whole Hall stopped to watch as Hermione performed the Heimlich on Ron. When that stopped working, she bent down and gave Ron the mouth-to-mouth. After many tries, Ron finally spit the food out all over his best friend. Harry, drenched in who the hell knows what, kicked Ron who was now fully recovered.
"Thanks" gasped the Weasley. Harry and Hermione nodded.
The rest of the evening passed, and as Ron and Harry were walking to their dorm, Harry asked offhandedly, "What was it you were really saying to Nick?"
Ron thought a moment, then leaned over and whispered in Harry's ear, "I bet him 40 sickles that I would have Hermione's lips on mine before the end of the night". Harry smacked him.
_($)_
"Hem, hem"
Dumbledore looked taken aback for only a moment, then he sat down smartly and looked at Professor Umbridge as though he desired nothing better than to listen to her talk. Other members of the staff were not so adept at hiding their surprise. Professor McGonagall's mouth was a thin as Harry had ever seen it.
"Well," she began, "It is lovely to be here back at Hogwarts, I must say!" She smiled. "And to see such happy little faces looking back at me."
In fact, there were more than just happy little faces pointing back at here. There were also fingers, tushes, and other unmentionable body parts aimed in her direction.
"I'm sure we'll all be good friends!" McGonagall's mouth became thinner.
"The ministry of magic has always considered the education of young witches and wizards to be of vital importance…" And the transfiguration teacher's mouth was yet again as thin as can be. As the DADA teacher blabbed about how great the ministry was, McGonagall's mouth was thinner…
…and thinner…
…and thinner…
and then it became so thin that it disappeared. She screamed but no one could hear because she didn't have a mouth. Professor Dumbledore cried because he could not kiss his dear 'Kitten' anymore. Oh, well…he'd find new places to kiss her…
_($)_
"Yes, the speech certainly was illuminating. It explained a lot." Hermione said grimly.
"Did it?" Harry asked in surprise. "Sounded like a load of waffle to me."
"There was some important stuff hidden in the waffle." Said Hermione.
"Was there?" said Ron blankly.
"Like syrup?" Harry asked stupidly.
"You idiot. The syrup is on the outside of the waffle." Ron said, exasperated.
_($)_
"Don't you have a go at my mother!" snapped Seamus.
"I'll have a go at anyone who calls me a liar," said Harry.
"Don't talk to me like that!"
"Yo mama so fat that she sits around the house." Harry taunted.
"Well, yo mama's dead!"
"…And my mama could still kick yo mama's ass, Finnagin!" Harry said.
"Why you mother f-"
"Yo" interrupted Ron. "Wha' ya on, abou', bro?"
"Finnagin's on crack, homie" Harry said to his homie.
" S'all cool, bro, s'all cool." Seamus told Ron, too tired to keep fighting.
"Y'all gonna end up in da ghetto, ya no?" Ron said warningly. Harry and Seamus went to bed. "Werd." Said Ron.
_(($$))_
Did you like it? Comments? Please review!!!! Reviews brighten my day!
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, Outkast's "Hey, ya", Abercrombie and Fitch, Guico, and anything else you could try to pin blame on me for. So there. : P