The Devil's Workshop
MysticShadowWanderer
Disclaimer: And everytime I hate myself, you love me, forgive me. And everytime I lost myself, you find me, redefine me.
*****
Chapter Twenty-One: Redefine
They left Hagi by carriage, which Battousai insisted on driving himself, as he could hardly trust anyone else enough to do the task. Kaoru supposed she couldn't blame him for his apprehensions, and settled in for the short journey to the coast. Briefly, she wondered why they weren't walking, but Battousai's mind was ever elusive and hard to read, and she resigned herself to leaning her head back and closing her eyes. Her state of comfort lasted only until Battousai had the horses properly warmed up. As they reached the outskirts of the city, Kaoru felt a jolt run through her and the carriage lurched forward as the two-horse team was urged into a quick canter. Swearing colorfully, Kaoru braced herself to keep from falling out of her seat and tried to think of something other than how many dips were in the road. She grimaced as she was jounced about, but tried to stay as positive as she could.
'At least I'm not out in the wind.' It had been unnaturally chilly lately, and with the threat of rain added to that, it didn't make for a nice day to be riding about in the open air. Presently, her attention turned to keeping the contents of her stomach actually in her stomach; Battousai seemed to be making an effort to hit every hole, bump, and rock in the road, though in truth she knew better.
Outside the relative luxury of the interior of the carriage, Battousai skillfully held the lines to two horses on the verge of taking off and allowing the carriage to careen out of control. But he knew very well that they wouldn't as long as he was the one who regulated the pressure on their mouths. Just as nature called to his most primal instincts, he was sensitive to animals. They would listen.
Battousai made no attempt to shield himself from the chill wind that whipped through his clothes and hair. He could smell and feel the storm coming and he grinned. He loved nothing more than a storm, to feel the rain beat against his skin and run down his face. Rain was one thing that calmed him, even soothed him. But in the case of a storm, it was entirely different. With storms came lightning. To Battousai, lightning was something to be revered and loved for its danger and power. His smile slipped when he remembered that Kaoru didn't like lightning, her silly fear of it something she was unable to shake, despite all the help he'd offered during the past. He grinned widely at that thought, for his idea of "help" was generally sexual, and he'd long since figured out that her heightened tension during a storm worked to both their advantages. Usually he'd at least hold her and offer comfort, but it seemed she was on her own today, for they would need haste now. With a quiet curse he recalled their reason for speed, the message he'd gotten from Aoshi the day before...
"Battousai-sama," the young boy had said. "I have an important message for you, from Aoshi-sama."
It was at that moment he had realized that the boy was non other than Misao in disguise, simply because it wasn't humanly possible for anyone else on earth to say 'Aoshi-sama' with that inflection. She was so desperately in love with that man that it was almost disgusting to Battousai. Almost.
Battousai had played along to avoid ruining the girl's cover, and he had read the note while she had silently looked on. The contents were, to say the very least, disturbing. According to Aoshi, the Chinese had returned, with redoubled strength and impossibly improved skill. Mumbling violent oaths, he'd crumpled the note and instructed Misao to tell Aoshi that he would be heading for the Hawaiian islands immediately.
Life seemed to have it in for him; just as soon as he'd found someone to love, his head had become a much sought after trophy. What an incredibly sick sense of humor Fate had. The bastard...
Battousai shook his head to snap himself back to reality. At the breakneck speed he'd been driving, their trip to the docks was completed only an hour and a half after it began. He mentally cursed the man he'd done business with for forcing them to go to a dock that was rather out of the way. It made Battousai wonder about the legality of the whole situation. The docks weren't obscure or unfrequently used, but they certainly weren't the nearest or most convenient.
By the time Battousai reined the horses in, Kaoru was feeling rather sick. She got out of the carriage on legs weak from bracing herself to stay in her seat. Battousai took one look at her and smirked; she was a complete mess, hair and clothes askew. Kaoru glared at him, but her gaze softened as she watched him. He was dripping wet, and quietly talking to and stroking the neck of one of the sweat and rain soaked horses. It was almost like the two could understand each other, and Kaoru found that fascinating. She giggled when the horse tried to rub his lather-slicked head against Battousai, who shoved the animal away playfully. It seemed that there were too many sides to this man to be fathomed.
As she watched him, it dawned on her that Battousai had more communicative and intuitive finesse then he'd let on, which explain how he always knew exactly what she wanted without her having to tell him. The way he talked to the horses, his voice a low, rumbling caress, was nothing short of amazing. His amber eyes seemed slightly softened, an unguarded expression she'd seen only directed at her in his moments of great intimacy and divulgence. The thought led to another, as was typical with Kaoru, and she wondered how much more it would take for his eyes to go violet, something she'd seen once, and even then it was faked. The one time he'd cried to her, a moment she treasured above all others, she had easily sensed that his eyes had taken on that soft, lovely hue, but she hadn't gotten to see it. Not for the first time, she wished she had.
'Maybe I can get him to soften up...' Part of her longed to see the gentler side that lurked somewhere deep within him, hidden and tucked away, but the other part of her fiercely ached for his rough yet tender passion, she needed his bruising touch. She was torn.
"What are you thinking about, lovely?" he asked when he noticed the far-away look she wore that generally signified she was deeply lost in meaningful thoughts.
"You," she replied with a sly smile. A wide grin spread across his face. "You're so gentle and kind with the horses, yet with me, though you can be gentle, you're rough... almost needy, fierce at most."
"Ah, you do bring out the best in me, don't you?" His tone had shifted a bit lower in his register than when he'd been talking to the horses. Kaoru recognized this at once, and knew he was trying to seduce her subtly. She would just have to turn the tables; it was his turn now.
Taking a step closer to him, she stopped before she was actually touching him, the rules of propriety that society has always pushed upon her still ringing in the back of her head. Battousai cocked his head curiously, trying to read her expression and finding it frustratingly indiscernible. Kaoru set one hand on his upper arm, and in every aspect but voice, seemed as if she were making an innocent, earnest plea.
"I bring out the best in you?" Her tone was soft and lingering; he had to stop himself from moving forward. "How can I be sure that what you've shown me is your best?"
Hard amber fire flared in his eyes, her almost-innocent question portraying two levels of meaning, at least one of which he fully intended to further explore, if not both. Her gaze was steady as it met his, she was the perfect example of stately calmness. How did she managed to get under his skin like that?
"Being rough, needy, and fierce are your best qualities..." she mused aloud. "Tell me... can you be angrier? Can you hurt me, break me, put me into pain...?" For all his practice at wearing an expressionless mask, he was visibly taken aback.
"Can I... what?" It wasn't that the idea was unfavorable to him, after all, she'd already let him cut her, but he still couldn't believe exactly what he was hearing.
"Strike me, bruise me, make me bleed and sob in agony," she said, ever so slowly. "If I asked you, would you do that?"
"Gods yes," he responded, his voice taking on a hungry tone. Centuries of seeing the truth of the world and taking a cynical view towards everything had lent itself quite handily to Battousai's already sadistic nature; he needn't be asked.
Kaoru heard desire in his voice, saw it in his eyes. "And then... would you love me? Love me, heal me, and restore me? Save me?"
Battousai, as usual, flouted the rules of propriety and drew her into his arms snugly. "Always, love. I don't have to hurt you to love you."
Kaoru didn't even try to pull away anymore, if people talked, that was no longer any concern of hers. She nuzzled her nose against the skin where his gi fell open, flicked her tongue against his warm skin, and slipped out of his hold when he stiffened in shock. Biting down a smirk, Kaoru gave him her most innocent look and inquired as to how he would return the rented carriage to Hagi and when they would be boarding the ship, all the while thinking that she had him right where she wanted him. She had taken his seductive net of words and double meanings and turned it against him. How she loved having the upper hand.
Battousai found a boy at a stables, the kid looked about fourteen and scared out of his wits by Battousai's presence, and asked him to return the carriage and horses to Hagi. Seeing that Battousai fully intended on using his name and notoriety alone to get the task done, Kaoru stepped up and elbowed him in the ribs. The pointed look she gave Battousai clearly said 'If you don't pay the boy, I will punish you in ways you've never imagined.' With the boy shifting his weight back and forth from nervousness and discomfort at the situation, Battousai begrudgingly pulled out his pouch of money and handed the boy enough to appease Kaoru. The boy took the money eagerly and scampered off to fulfil his task.
Battousai and Kaoru wandered the small dockside town, Battousai all the while grumbling that he'd never let her hold the money or he'd quickly go broke. She ignored him as he muttered things about how women shouldn't be allowed to make decisions dealing with finances, but quieted him with another elbow to the side when he continued rambling and mentioned something to the extent of "women are only good for one thing..." He would pay for that later.
The stopped at a tea house and sat there for the remaining half hour they had before they had to board their ship. Battousai carefully watched Kaoru as she stared off into the distance; he couldn't help but wonder what was on her mind. The thought stopped him. He always wondered what was on her mind, and he always made her tell him. There were no secrets that he allowed her to keep. For the fraction of a moment, he wondered if that was wrong. Deciding that it wasn't, he took her hand in his when he saw a passerby looking at her just a little too closely. He leveled a glare at the man, who scurried away hurriedly when he finally noticed Battousai. Kaoru gave Battousai a small smile, but she was only half paying attention to him, and she let her mind wander off again. He blinked once and fell into silence, though he very much wanted to ask her about her contemplations. This one time, he withheld, leaving her to her daydreams.
'It's not wrong to want to know her every thought. She's mine, after all.' Unconsciously, his grip on her hand was tightening, and she turned her eyes to him.
"What's wrong?" she asked quietly.
"Nothing," he spat. "Let's go."
Kaoru raised an eyebrow, but took his offered hand and stood up. She sighed as he led her toward the docks, carrying both their small bags of clothing; she was never going to understand him, as much as she tried. Some days it didn't feel like it was worth the fight, when he would look at her with so much hatred and coldness in his eyes. But then he'd do something unexpected, and she couldn't help but want to know his every facet. Still, it was hard enough to know every personality of a human being, and he was irrefutably different. Emotions and rational thoughts were hard to draw out of him, and she was more than ready to just give up. Yet every time she tried to do so, he made her love him all the more and she found herself giving him one more chance.
Battousai's mood had rapidly descended into anger, but for Kaoru's sake he was trying to hide it. The very fact made him realize how fully he loved her, because he usually would let his rage out on whoever happened to be nearest. He wasn't sure whether it was her, the world, or himself that put him in such a dismal mood this time, but he had the suspicion that there was no one to blame but himself. That happened to him more often than he would like, it was desirable to him that he control his emotions at all times, but they always got the better of him. It was his imperfection, the one that matched the long, thin scar on his cheek, and his hatred of it ran deeper than anything he knew. Perfection was something he was long in the seeking, and had never attained.
Following Battousai's quick pace, Kaoru noted how stiff and tense his body was, as if he were ready to throw himself into battle at a moment's notice. She was too busy trying to decide what had him so upset to notice that he was dragging her on board a large ship. When she realized that she was no longer standing on solid ground, she stopped, yanking Battousai to a halt by the sleeve of his gi. He turned to stare at her.
"What?" He sighed in exasperation; her trepidations were the last thing he needed at the moment. Not giving her the chance to answer, he tugged on her hand and forcibly led her to the small cabin that would be theirs. When he'd slammed the door shut and dropped their bags, he stared blankly at her, now letting her speak her mind.
"What the hell has gotten into you?" she questioned hotly.
"Nothing, I'm fine." He was more under control now, his voice was perfectly flat. If Kaoru didn't know him as well as she did, she would never have heard the caged wrath beneath the cold exterior.
"You're lying," she hissed.
Battousai lifted his hand to strike her, but he saw her flinch and dropped it to his side; she was scared of him again. 'Good, she should be,' his brain reminded him. 'She should respect you and obey you, you've told her that from the very beginning.'
He ignored the voice in his head and gripped her by the shoulders, crushing his mouth to hers. Kaoru bit his bottom lip as hard as she could and pushed him away. Caught off guard, Battousai stumbled backwards a few steps before he regained his footing. Wiping his mouth, he looked at his hand and saw that she'd split his lip.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" he growled. Kaoru smirked at him; she could take a page out of his life's story. If he thought she couldn't assert herself, he was badly mistaken. Now she knew how successful she had been earlier, he wanted her, she could see it in his eyes. Eyes that she could, just barely, read anger and hurt in.
'Hurt? Is that what's wrong?' she thought suddenly. "Not until you let me help you," she chided.
"Help me with what?" he asked. "There's nothing wrong with me."
"Stop lying to me!" she exclaimed. "Just stop! If you think you're unreadable, you're wrong. I know you're lying, and I know you're hurting, and for the sake of all that you hold sacred, just tell me!"
Battousai stared at her for a minute or two. Kaoru stared back, but finally threw her hands in the air in frustration; she didn't want to play mind games with the Battousai, only to help him. But he seemed unwilling to let her. Tears of both anger and insult glistened in her eyes. She was furious that he wouldn't open up more to her, but she was also hurt that he didn't seem to trust her enough to do so. Battousai noticed the tears, but when he tried to brush them away, she bit at his fingers. He looked at her curiously, she was acting out of character for her; she was much more violent than usual.
"Don't you trust me?" she finally asked. "Don't you love me?"
"Of course I do," he said after a moment of shocked silence.
"Then why won't you tell me why you're so upset?"
"There are some things you needn't bother yourself with, precious," he said quietly.
"Well I'm going to bother myself with you, no matter what you say," she replied, wiping her eyes dry. "You might as well tell me now, or I'll never let you touch me again."
That was enough for Battousai to talk, as she had guessed it would be. He sat her down on the floor and then took a seat next to her, leaning back against the wall. More to prove that he could than anything else, he put his arm around her. She half-heartedly tried to shrug it off, but he only tightened his grip.
"What's wrong?" Kaoru asked again, prodding him with her index finger.
Battousai searched for words for a few moments. "You, me, everything," he finally whispered.
"Everything?"
"You don't know how it feels to have centuries of pain and torture held within your heart."
"I can try to understand, you have to make me understand."
"That's just the thing, Kaoru," he said, his voice rising with every word. "You can't understand, you'll never understand." He made as if to stand up, but sank back to the floor with a defeated sigh, head hung low and shoulders slumped. "I hate myself," he breathed.
"You... what?" Kaoru couldn't believe his words, he had always been overly self-confident and much too self-absorbed for that to make any sense to her.
"I hate myself. I've lost myself."
"What can I do?" she asked desperately.
"I don't know."
"There must be something."
"I just need you to love me, and to forgive me. Help me find myself, Kaoru."
"I'll do anything for you."
*****
A/N: Damn. It's been a while. I've missed you guys! I'm sorry about the mishaps, but I hope to make up for it with kickass chapters from here on out. My battery's dying, so I have to keep this short, just thanks for your patience and it's great to be back. Ja ne!
MysticShadowWanderer
Disclaimer: And everytime I hate myself, you love me, forgive me. And everytime I lost myself, you find me, redefine me.
*****
Chapter Twenty-One: Redefine
They left Hagi by carriage, which Battousai insisted on driving himself, as he could hardly trust anyone else enough to do the task. Kaoru supposed she couldn't blame him for his apprehensions, and settled in for the short journey to the coast. Briefly, she wondered why they weren't walking, but Battousai's mind was ever elusive and hard to read, and she resigned herself to leaning her head back and closing her eyes. Her state of comfort lasted only until Battousai had the horses properly warmed up. As they reached the outskirts of the city, Kaoru felt a jolt run through her and the carriage lurched forward as the two-horse team was urged into a quick canter. Swearing colorfully, Kaoru braced herself to keep from falling out of her seat and tried to think of something other than how many dips were in the road. She grimaced as she was jounced about, but tried to stay as positive as she could.
'At least I'm not out in the wind.' It had been unnaturally chilly lately, and with the threat of rain added to that, it didn't make for a nice day to be riding about in the open air. Presently, her attention turned to keeping the contents of her stomach actually in her stomach; Battousai seemed to be making an effort to hit every hole, bump, and rock in the road, though in truth she knew better.
Outside the relative luxury of the interior of the carriage, Battousai skillfully held the lines to two horses on the verge of taking off and allowing the carriage to careen out of control. But he knew very well that they wouldn't as long as he was the one who regulated the pressure on their mouths. Just as nature called to his most primal instincts, he was sensitive to animals. They would listen.
Battousai made no attempt to shield himself from the chill wind that whipped through his clothes and hair. He could smell and feel the storm coming and he grinned. He loved nothing more than a storm, to feel the rain beat against his skin and run down his face. Rain was one thing that calmed him, even soothed him. But in the case of a storm, it was entirely different. With storms came lightning. To Battousai, lightning was something to be revered and loved for its danger and power. His smile slipped when he remembered that Kaoru didn't like lightning, her silly fear of it something she was unable to shake, despite all the help he'd offered during the past. He grinned widely at that thought, for his idea of "help" was generally sexual, and he'd long since figured out that her heightened tension during a storm worked to both their advantages. Usually he'd at least hold her and offer comfort, but it seemed she was on her own today, for they would need haste now. With a quiet curse he recalled their reason for speed, the message he'd gotten from Aoshi the day before...
"Battousai-sama," the young boy had said. "I have an important message for you, from Aoshi-sama."
It was at that moment he had realized that the boy was non other than Misao in disguise, simply because it wasn't humanly possible for anyone else on earth to say 'Aoshi-sama' with that inflection. She was so desperately in love with that man that it was almost disgusting to Battousai. Almost.
Battousai had played along to avoid ruining the girl's cover, and he had read the note while she had silently looked on. The contents were, to say the very least, disturbing. According to Aoshi, the Chinese had returned, with redoubled strength and impossibly improved skill. Mumbling violent oaths, he'd crumpled the note and instructed Misao to tell Aoshi that he would be heading for the Hawaiian islands immediately.
Life seemed to have it in for him; just as soon as he'd found someone to love, his head had become a much sought after trophy. What an incredibly sick sense of humor Fate had. The bastard...
Battousai shook his head to snap himself back to reality. At the breakneck speed he'd been driving, their trip to the docks was completed only an hour and a half after it began. He mentally cursed the man he'd done business with for forcing them to go to a dock that was rather out of the way. It made Battousai wonder about the legality of the whole situation. The docks weren't obscure or unfrequently used, but they certainly weren't the nearest or most convenient.
By the time Battousai reined the horses in, Kaoru was feeling rather sick. She got out of the carriage on legs weak from bracing herself to stay in her seat. Battousai took one look at her and smirked; she was a complete mess, hair and clothes askew. Kaoru glared at him, but her gaze softened as she watched him. He was dripping wet, and quietly talking to and stroking the neck of one of the sweat and rain soaked horses. It was almost like the two could understand each other, and Kaoru found that fascinating. She giggled when the horse tried to rub his lather-slicked head against Battousai, who shoved the animal away playfully. It seemed that there were too many sides to this man to be fathomed.
As she watched him, it dawned on her that Battousai had more communicative and intuitive finesse then he'd let on, which explain how he always knew exactly what she wanted without her having to tell him. The way he talked to the horses, his voice a low, rumbling caress, was nothing short of amazing. His amber eyes seemed slightly softened, an unguarded expression she'd seen only directed at her in his moments of great intimacy and divulgence. The thought led to another, as was typical with Kaoru, and she wondered how much more it would take for his eyes to go violet, something she'd seen once, and even then it was faked. The one time he'd cried to her, a moment she treasured above all others, she had easily sensed that his eyes had taken on that soft, lovely hue, but she hadn't gotten to see it. Not for the first time, she wished she had.
'Maybe I can get him to soften up...' Part of her longed to see the gentler side that lurked somewhere deep within him, hidden and tucked away, but the other part of her fiercely ached for his rough yet tender passion, she needed his bruising touch. She was torn.
"What are you thinking about, lovely?" he asked when he noticed the far-away look she wore that generally signified she was deeply lost in meaningful thoughts.
"You," she replied with a sly smile. A wide grin spread across his face. "You're so gentle and kind with the horses, yet with me, though you can be gentle, you're rough... almost needy, fierce at most."
"Ah, you do bring out the best in me, don't you?" His tone had shifted a bit lower in his register than when he'd been talking to the horses. Kaoru recognized this at once, and knew he was trying to seduce her subtly. She would just have to turn the tables; it was his turn now.
Taking a step closer to him, she stopped before she was actually touching him, the rules of propriety that society has always pushed upon her still ringing in the back of her head. Battousai cocked his head curiously, trying to read her expression and finding it frustratingly indiscernible. Kaoru set one hand on his upper arm, and in every aspect but voice, seemed as if she were making an innocent, earnest plea.
"I bring out the best in you?" Her tone was soft and lingering; he had to stop himself from moving forward. "How can I be sure that what you've shown me is your best?"
Hard amber fire flared in his eyes, her almost-innocent question portraying two levels of meaning, at least one of which he fully intended to further explore, if not both. Her gaze was steady as it met his, she was the perfect example of stately calmness. How did she managed to get under his skin like that?
"Being rough, needy, and fierce are your best qualities..." she mused aloud. "Tell me... can you be angrier? Can you hurt me, break me, put me into pain...?" For all his practice at wearing an expressionless mask, he was visibly taken aback.
"Can I... what?" It wasn't that the idea was unfavorable to him, after all, she'd already let him cut her, but he still couldn't believe exactly what he was hearing.
"Strike me, bruise me, make me bleed and sob in agony," she said, ever so slowly. "If I asked you, would you do that?"
"Gods yes," he responded, his voice taking on a hungry tone. Centuries of seeing the truth of the world and taking a cynical view towards everything had lent itself quite handily to Battousai's already sadistic nature; he needn't be asked.
Kaoru heard desire in his voice, saw it in his eyes. "And then... would you love me? Love me, heal me, and restore me? Save me?"
Battousai, as usual, flouted the rules of propriety and drew her into his arms snugly. "Always, love. I don't have to hurt you to love you."
Kaoru didn't even try to pull away anymore, if people talked, that was no longer any concern of hers. She nuzzled her nose against the skin where his gi fell open, flicked her tongue against his warm skin, and slipped out of his hold when he stiffened in shock. Biting down a smirk, Kaoru gave him her most innocent look and inquired as to how he would return the rented carriage to Hagi and when they would be boarding the ship, all the while thinking that she had him right where she wanted him. She had taken his seductive net of words and double meanings and turned it against him. How she loved having the upper hand.
Battousai found a boy at a stables, the kid looked about fourteen and scared out of his wits by Battousai's presence, and asked him to return the carriage and horses to Hagi. Seeing that Battousai fully intended on using his name and notoriety alone to get the task done, Kaoru stepped up and elbowed him in the ribs. The pointed look she gave Battousai clearly said 'If you don't pay the boy, I will punish you in ways you've never imagined.' With the boy shifting his weight back and forth from nervousness and discomfort at the situation, Battousai begrudgingly pulled out his pouch of money and handed the boy enough to appease Kaoru. The boy took the money eagerly and scampered off to fulfil his task.
Battousai and Kaoru wandered the small dockside town, Battousai all the while grumbling that he'd never let her hold the money or he'd quickly go broke. She ignored him as he muttered things about how women shouldn't be allowed to make decisions dealing with finances, but quieted him with another elbow to the side when he continued rambling and mentioned something to the extent of "women are only good for one thing..." He would pay for that later.
The stopped at a tea house and sat there for the remaining half hour they had before they had to board their ship. Battousai carefully watched Kaoru as she stared off into the distance; he couldn't help but wonder what was on her mind. The thought stopped him. He always wondered what was on her mind, and he always made her tell him. There were no secrets that he allowed her to keep. For the fraction of a moment, he wondered if that was wrong. Deciding that it wasn't, he took her hand in his when he saw a passerby looking at her just a little too closely. He leveled a glare at the man, who scurried away hurriedly when he finally noticed Battousai. Kaoru gave Battousai a small smile, but she was only half paying attention to him, and she let her mind wander off again. He blinked once and fell into silence, though he very much wanted to ask her about her contemplations. This one time, he withheld, leaving her to her daydreams.
'It's not wrong to want to know her every thought. She's mine, after all.' Unconsciously, his grip on her hand was tightening, and she turned her eyes to him.
"What's wrong?" she asked quietly.
"Nothing," he spat. "Let's go."
Kaoru raised an eyebrow, but took his offered hand and stood up. She sighed as he led her toward the docks, carrying both their small bags of clothing; she was never going to understand him, as much as she tried. Some days it didn't feel like it was worth the fight, when he would look at her with so much hatred and coldness in his eyes. But then he'd do something unexpected, and she couldn't help but want to know his every facet. Still, it was hard enough to know every personality of a human being, and he was irrefutably different. Emotions and rational thoughts were hard to draw out of him, and she was more than ready to just give up. Yet every time she tried to do so, he made her love him all the more and she found herself giving him one more chance.
Battousai's mood had rapidly descended into anger, but for Kaoru's sake he was trying to hide it. The very fact made him realize how fully he loved her, because he usually would let his rage out on whoever happened to be nearest. He wasn't sure whether it was her, the world, or himself that put him in such a dismal mood this time, but he had the suspicion that there was no one to blame but himself. That happened to him more often than he would like, it was desirable to him that he control his emotions at all times, but they always got the better of him. It was his imperfection, the one that matched the long, thin scar on his cheek, and his hatred of it ran deeper than anything he knew. Perfection was something he was long in the seeking, and had never attained.
Following Battousai's quick pace, Kaoru noted how stiff and tense his body was, as if he were ready to throw himself into battle at a moment's notice. She was too busy trying to decide what had him so upset to notice that he was dragging her on board a large ship. When she realized that she was no longer standing on solid ground, she stopped, yanking Battousai to a halt by the sleeve of his gi. He turned to stare at her.
"What?" He sighed in exasperation; her trepidations were the last thing he needed at the moment. Not giving her the chance to answer, he tugged on her hand and forcibly led her to the small cabin that would be theirs. When he'd slammed the door shut and dropped their bags, he stared blankly at her, now letting her speak her mind.
"What the hell has gotten into you?" she questioned hotly.
"Nothing, I'm fine." He was more under control now, his voice was perfectly flat. If Kaoru didn't know him as well as she did, she would never have heard the caged wrath beneath the cold exterior.
"You're lying," she hissed.
Battousai lifted his hand to strike her, but he saw her flinch and dropped it to his side; she was scared of him again. 'Good, she should be,' his brain reminded him. 'She should respect you and obey you, you've told her that from the very beginning.'
He ignored the voice in his head and gripped her by the shoulders, crushing his mouth to hers. Kaoru bit his bottom lip as hard as she could and pushed him away. Caught off guard, Battousai stumbled backwards a few steps before he regained his footing. Wiping his mouth, he looked at his hand and saw that she'd split his lip.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" he growled. Kaoru smirked at him; she could take a page out of his life's story. If he thought she couldn't assert herself, he was badly mistaken. Now she knew how successful she had been earlier, he wanted her, she could see it in his eyes. Eyes that she could, just barely, read anger and hurt in.
'Hurt? Is that what's wrong?' she thought suddenly. "Not until you let me help you," she chided.
"Help me with what?" he asked. "There's nothing wrong with me."
"Stop lying to me!" she exclaimed. "Just stop! If you think you're unreadable, you're wrong. I know you're lying, and I know you're hurting, and for the sake of all that you hold sacred, just tell me!"
Battousai stared at her for a minute or two. Kaoru stared back, but finally threw her hands in the air in frustration; she didn't want to play mind games with the Battousai, only to help him. But he seemed unwilling to let her. Tears of both anger and insult glistened in her eyes. She was furious that he wouldn't open up more to her, but she was also hurt that he didn't seem to trust her enough to do so. Battousai noticed the tears, but when he tried to brush them away, she bit at his fingers. He looked at her curiously, she was acting out of character for her; she was much more violent than usual.
"Don't you trust me?" she finally asked. "Don't you love me?"
"Of course I do," he said after a moment of shocked silence.
"Then why won't you tell me why you're so upset?"
"There are some things you needn't bother yourself with, precious," he said quietly.
"Well I'm going to bother myself with you, no matter what you say," she replied, wiping her eyes dry. "You might as well tell me now, or I'll never let you touch me again."
That was enough for Battousai to talk, as she had guessed it would be. He sat her down on the floor and then took a seat next to her, leaning back against the wall. More to prove that he could than anything else, he put his arm around her. She half-heartedly tried to shrug it off, but he only tightened his grip.
"What's wrong?" Kaoru asked again, prodding him with her index finger.
Battousai searched for words for a few moments. "You, me, everything," he finally whispered.
"Everything?"
"You don't know how it feels to have centuries of pain and torture held within your heart."
"I can try to understand, you have to make me understand."
"That's just the thing, Kaoru," he said, his voice rising with every word. "You can't understand, you'll never understand." He made as if to stand up, but sank back to the floor with a defeated sigh, head hung low and shoulders slumped. "I hate myself," he breathed.
"You... what?" Kaoru couldn't believe his words, he had always been overly self-confident and much too self-absorbed for that to make any sense to her.
"I hate myself. I've lost myself."
"What can I do?" she asked desperately.
"I don't know."
"There must be something."
"I just need you to love me, and to forgive me. Help me find myself, Kaoru."
"I'll do anything for you."
*****
A/N: Damn. It's been a while. I've missed you guys! I'm sorry about the mishaps, but I hope to make up for it with kickass chapters from here on out. My battery's dying, so I have to keep this short, just thanks for your patience and it's great to be back. Ja ne!