The Reason is You

Author's Note:  This is a brief fanfic/songfic that revolves around Amanda Sefton after Kurt Wagner disappears from the circus and they're forced to leave without him.  Kinda a prequel to my story, "Here Without You."  This is based on the song by Hoobastank, "The Reason."  This fic starts right after Amanda asks God to look over Kurt Wagner at the end of the "Nightcrawler Prequel" comic that was released before X2 came out.

Disclaimer:  Amanda Sefton, Kurt Wagner/Nightcrawler, Margali, Werner, and Chester do not belong to me.  They belong to their creators at Marvel.  Also, the sentences in italics are quoted from "The Nightcrawler Prequel" and in no way belong to me.

***

            Amanda looked up at the crucifix at the front of the church she now stood in, alone.  She had prayed before, but they were for stupid things like "please let me do good on my test" and "please say he likes me" or even "God, don't let anything bad happen today of all days." 

            Yet now she was praying a prayer that she truly meant; a single prayer that was from the very center of her heart.

            A single tear escaped her right eye as she studied the statue of Jesus Christ.  He was never someone Amanda really took as an idol or a person to put her faith into.  To her, he was just a religious figure that people worshiped.  People like Kurt Wagner. 

            "God…." Another tear escaped her other eye.  "Please…I beg of you, Lord…." She held her hands in a folded position and put them to her chest.  "Please don't let anything bad happen to Kurt.  Keep him safe…. Even if I can never see his face again."

            It was several moments before Amanda Sefton slowly turned and walked back down the center isle of the church towards the exit.  When she opened the wooden door, Amanda could feel a cold gust of wind sweep through the night and rustle the bushes that surrounded the small landscaping of the church grounds. 

            There wasn't even a star in the sky, and dark clouds hid the moon.  It was a night full of confusion, sorrow, and the hard feeling of regret.  All of these emotions mixed into one big lump in Amanda's throat as she slowly walked back to the circus camp. 

            The commotion of setting the tents up had ended by now, and a good many of the circus people had retreated to their trailers for the night.  Amanda passed by a silent Chester who sat at the campfire; she figured he too was still trying to get over the fact that Kurt was gone.

            Amanda passed her mother's trailer.  For a woman that always had the radio on, the trailer was very silent.  Amanda couldn't help but go to a small window and peek inside.  Her mother sat on her cot, leaned over with elbows on knees, and her head bowed to stare at the floor.  There was no movement for several minutes, until a hand came up to wipe a tear that traveled down her cheek.

            Amanda stepped back and could feel her own eyes filling up with the salty liquid once again.  She knew what was wrong with her mother; Margali, the person who owned the circus and found Kurt when he was a baby had lost someone she had raised as if he was her own son. 

            Though that wasn't the only reason why Margali was probably weeping.  Amanda had rudely told her off a few days ago, reminding her mother that she had put Kurt in a devil's costume to sell tickets for her circus.  Amanda had been cruel and unforgiving; especially when she finished with telling her, "If I have wronged Kurt, I learned it from you…"

            Amanda's trailer wasn't dark—she didn't expect it to be.  When she opened the door she found her boyfriend, Werner, lay sprawled on her bed watching a small television-set that sat on an overturned milk crate.

            "You're finally back?" He asked, not glancing up.

            "Yeah…" She said softly as she removed her jacket and hung it on a peg on the wall. 

            "You still upset?" He asked when there was a long moment of silence. 

            Amanda looked up at him, her eyes wet and her throat tight.  "Yes…. I miss him."

            Werner finally looked up at her, his face full of wonder why this was bothering her so much.  "Look, I know he was like your kid brother or whatever, but you'll get over it.  He's probably better off anyway."

            Amanda couldn't speak.  She knew Kurt wasn't better off alone in a world that despised mutants.  Kurt couldn't even hide the fact that he was a mutant if he wanted too; Kurt Wagner was like her mother said, "He's as mutant as they come."  She was just so right.  Kurt was born to look like a blue version of the devil himself; pointed ears like an elf's, three fingers and two toes, yellow eyes, velvety blue skin, and a long spade-tipped tail.

            "You know, its eating me up that he's gone," she said finally, taking a seat next to the blonde twenty-three year old. 

            "Why?"

            That was a question that Amanda hadn't really thought about, until now.  Just why did she feel so terrible?  As she thought about it, she knew why.  And it was much more than the fact that she had grown up with Kurt.

            "I…I don't know."  She turned the small TV off.

            "C'mon, Amanda!" Werner said sitting up, almost in outrage.

            "I want to go to bed.  Please go," she said simply as she reached to a stool for the sweatpants and t-shirt she wore to bed.

            Werner gave a sigh as he got to his feet.  "Be that way then.  See ya tomorrow."

            Amanda didn't watch him leave; she didn't care.  She could only focus on one face right now.  She had to; if she didn't, she might forget.

            It would be too hard to forget, though.  She had the posters the circus used to promote their shows, and almost all of them had a picture of Kurt. 

            Amanda smirked to herself as she looked at the recent one that sat on the plastic table across from her cot.  "The Incredible Nightcrawler" it read in bright yellow letters.  It wasn't her favorite, but it did the trick to remind her how good Kurt was at his trapeze work.  He was the best she ever saw—since he was ten years old he had been able to do more stunts than an accomplished acrobat of twenty years could do.  He was truly amazing.

            After changing into her sweatpants and t-shirt, Amanda lay atop of her cot and stared at the ceiling, trying desperately to think of something besides the blue mutant she missed so much.  She couldn't help it, though.  Everything she thought about led to him in some way. 

            Half an hour passed and Amanda was still wide-awake, her heart aching terribly inside of her chest.  She couldn't take it any longer.  She sat up and let her legs hang over the edge of the cot.  Her eyes looked around the trailer that was lit only by a small nightlight over in the corner, (just in case she needed to get up during the night she wouldn't kill herself on something in the total darkness). 

            A small smile dared to creep onto her face when she caught sight of the group of pictures she had on the counter.  Her and Werner, a few friends from high school, another one with her and Werner, one of just Werner, and then there was the picture that sat off to the side tucked away behind the single of her boyfriend.

            Amanda went over and picked it up, a tear immediately freeing itself from her green eyes.  She took a quick sniff of air through her nose as she remembered the picture being taken.  Her mother had wanted a recent photograph of the family—the three of them.  Margali rarely let her hair hang loose without its everyday bandana present, but this time she hadn't worn it.  Amanda's own red hair had been longer then, reaching past her shoulders.  She had cut it just before they left for the United States. 

            Then there was Kurt.  He was wearing the loose white, strung-up v-neck collared shirt she had given him for his birthday the previous year.  His white, pointed-tooth smile almost glowed with the surrounding blue skin.  Amanda loved his smile.  It was so sincere and loving. 

            Amanda could remember how he quickly took a pose between her and her mother, putting his arms around both of their shoulders.  She could remember how he fooled around while Chester tried to take the picture.  She could remember how much she thought it was pointless for her mother to be so insistent on having it taken and blown up to a larger size for their living room.

            Now, if it wasn't for her mother's insistence on having more than one copy made and they all got to have one, Amanda wouldn't have a recent picture of Kurt—besides the posters, that is. 

            The memories were almost too much.  It was like he died.  Then again, for all she knew, he could be dead.  It wasn't like him to not come back to the camp.  He usually took off to the nearest church or even sneak his way into a movie theater with his teleporting skill, something he had developed soon after he learned to be an acrobat.

            The stuffiness of her trailer started to bother her.  She needed fresh air.  Without hesitation she put on a pair of sandals and her lightweight coat, and then went outside to find a quiet spot away from the camp.

            Taking refuge under a very large oak tree, Amanda sat with her knees up to her chest, her arms hugging her legs, and stared at the picture lying in front of her feet.  The moon had recently been undraped from its curtain of clouds and lit her spot. 

            "Oh Kurt…where are you?  I miss you so much…."

I'm not a perfect person
as many things I wish I didn't do
but I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
and so I have to say before I go
that I just want you to know

            Amanda wondered how much she was the reason why Kurt had taken off that day.  He had to have gone to a church in town.  That's where he always went after something bad happened.  And he couldn't have done anything more stupid only hours before she last saw him.

            During their last performance in that particular Canadian town, Kurt had decided to change the script in the skit Margali had made up for a group of the circus people, which included Amanda as peasant girl offering herself to God, Kurt as the devil, and Werner as the angel that saved her.

            She couldn't figure out why he was provoked to change everything while they were swinging on the trapeze together and toss her to Werner before the safety net was rolled out.  There was no way Werner would have been able to catch her so quickly.  He hadn't gotten enough swing and was meters away from grabbing her hand. 

            Kurt had no choice but to teleport to grab her; but that meant that he'd have to teleport to the ground, and he'd land with the same force he had been falling at to get her.  She had landed on him, probably the reason why he had a few broken ribs when it was all over.

            She heard her mother start to harshly lecture him in the small medical tent.  Yet when Werner appeared Amanda's ears blocked out her mother's words and Kurt's constant apologies to find the comfort that was offered by her boyfriend's outstretched arms.

I've found a reason for me
to change who I used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you

            Amanda's eyes widened and her lips slightly parted as her brain reflected on a brief moment that happened after that very picture had been taken.  Chester had put the camera down and told them he got it perfectly.  Kurt had gently, but with slight force, pulled her back to him when she started to pull away from his embrace.  He had given her a quick kiss on the cheek.  She had gotten so mad at him for being childish.

            "Kurt…that wasn't playing, was it?" She asked no one as she stared at his still yellow eyes that seemed to gaze back at her. 

            Through her whole life Amanda had never thought of Kurt thinking of her anything more than a sister, just like he saw Margali as a second mother.  Perhaps, though, he did think of her more than that.  Perhaps she had been ignoring the fact that Kurt had been showing off for her all these years just to win her heart.

            "Nah," she told herself.  Her head leaned back and rested on the tree trunk.  She looked up at the moon and thought about him more.  "Then again…why else would he try to do something so stupid?"

            "You haven't lived until you've loved a guy with a tail!"

            "Tonight, you belong to the devil!"

            "I live to take your breath away, Amanda."

            She remembered every word he had spoken during that performance.  Whether it was spoken to just her or the whole audience, Kurt had said things that could have been for the show, but the more she thought of it, everything he said was geared towards her.  Everything.  And she hadn't listened.

            She hadn't listened to her mother either when they had arrived in Calgary.  Margali had told her that there were better people than Werner.  People like Kurt.

            "Kurt?  You think I belong with Kurt?!  But he's blue!  He has a tail!  He's a mutant!"

I'm sorry that I hurt you
it's something I must live with everyday
and all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
and be the one who catches all your tears
that's why I need you to hear

            It wasn't the first time she had lashed out on how Kurt was a mutant.  She remembered when they were younger how mad and embarrassed she was when her friends saw him for the first time.  She had told him to hide when they came, but he hadn't listened.  All she heard about for the next week was whispers that a "freak of nature" lived in her house.

            "Freak lover!" people had called to her, but she yelled back and told them it wasn't true.  She denied everything about him when it came to those girls she had been friends with at the time.  After that, Amanda wouldn't bring anyone home unless they swore not to get scared or tell anyone just in case they saw Kurt.

            Luckily that hadn't happened again, though.  Kurt had wisely taken sanctuary in his bedroom until her friends left.  She really never thought, until now, how much he must have been hurt to be told to "hide" so people wouldn't see him.

            Amanda knew he couldn't mingle in the cities and do what he wanted.  Any sightseeing he wanted to do when they went somewhere had to be done at night, and still he had to wear a long coat, a hat, and sometimes even sunglasses to hide his yellow eyes. 

            She never realized how much it must have hurt him to know he couldn't be like anyone, by no fault of his own.  He couldn't help the way he was.  Kurt was special in his own ways, but "normal" people didn't see it that way.  

I've found a reason for me
to change who I used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you
and the reason is you
and the reason is you
and the reason is you

            Amanda spent a long while under the same tree, her gaze shifting from the picture to the sky and dark landscapes around her.  Her mom was right.  Kurt did deserve so much more than he had been given.  He deserved to be loved unconditionally. 

            "You're such an idiot, Amanda Sefton," she said to herself as she could feel her eyes filling with tears once again.  "You let him get away…. If you hadn't been so stupid and run for Werner instead of making sure Kurt was alright after he saved your life," she paused and looked up at the moon that was starting to hide behind gray clouds once again, "he wouldn't have gone out.  He would be here with you right now."

            Soon after she lectured herself about her mistakes a low rumble echoed from the west.  She thought about just sticking it out for a while longer, but then she realized that being under a tree during a thunderstorm wouldn't be a good idea. 

            Her body felt very heavy as she dragged herself back to her trailer.  Once she was back in bed, Amanda closed her eyes and started to remember everything that she enjoyed about Kurt.  How funny he was, how amazingly athletic he proved to be, how intelligent he was yet never flaunted his knowledge.  "I'm sorry," she whispered before she drifted off to sleep.

            The next morning Werner greeted Amanda with a lazy kiss and draped his arm around her shoulders.  "Your mom said something about not having the skit for at least Calgary's shows.  So I guess you get a couple of nights off."

            "Great," Amanda replied dryly.  It was just as well, she supposed.  No one else deserved to take Kurt's roll.  He was the only one that could pull off the stunts needed to make the show worthwhile.

            "And seeing as that my contract didn't say anything about other performances, I'll be hanging around you all night," he said.  "I'm sure I can make you happier.  You're so depressing lately."

            "Sorry, Werner.  But Kurt means a lot to me.  I'm really worried, you know?" She told him.

            "Yeah I guess so," he said and then noticed one of the other crew members getting out of a truck with boxes of donuts and other pastries.  "Oh thank the great Lord.  I need food.  I'm starving!"

            He barely waited for Amanda to look up at the arrived food when he walked ahead and took the boxes to the picnic tables.  Amanda shrugged it off and went to help herself, although the sight of food wasn't thrilling at the moment.

            Later that afternoon, when preparations were being made for that night's show, Amanda sat on a makeshift bench, made of two crates and a flat board, outside of the tent.  Her mother noticed her and joined her, forgetting her work for the time being.

            "It'd be stupid to ask if you're feeling better," she said softly.  "Because I sure don't."

            Amanda looked at her mother and shook her head, trying hard not to cry again.  "I really screwed up.  Whoever said it was right—you really don't know what you have until you've lost it."

            Margali put her arm around her daughter's shoulders and pulled her into a tight embrace.  "Someday I pray we'll have the chance to make it up to him, baby.  We have to believe we'll see him again."

            "I hope he's all right…if something happened—"

            "Don't think about it."  Margali knew it was hard not think that Kurt was dead somewhere.  Anyone that saw him could've easily been frightened into attacking Kurt and killing him without mercy.  She knew Kurt's defense skills were excellent, but he would never hurt anyone.

            Margali looked up and noticed Werner walking towards them.  She despised that boy.  She now wished she never hired him in the first place.  "I'll be around if you need me.  I love you, sweetheart."

            "Love you too, Mom," Amanda said with a slight sniffle.  "Hey Mom?"

            Margali looked back at her daughter, just as Werner came up to them both.  "Yeah?"

            "I'm really sorry about everything I've ever done.  And I mean everything."

            Margali smiled and nodded.  "I know, baby.  Me too."  With that she left, leaving Werner to sit with her daughter, much to her disgust. 

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
and so I have to say before I go
that I just want you to know

            "Have you been here all day?  I thought you'd be in your trailer, but I couldn't find you anywhere," the blonde said when he sat down next to her.

            "I've just been thinking."  She smiled and then looked up at the people working on bring crates into the tent and unloading things from trailers and trucks.  "Werner, have you ever wished you could go back in time and change things?"

            He thought for a moment, and then laughed.  "Not really.  Why?  You thinking of making a time machine?"

            "No, dumbkolf," she said.  "I just wish I wasn't so terrible to Kurt and stuff, ya know?  That and I wish I didn't do some things and—"

            The loud obnoxious ringing of a cell phone interrupted her sentence.  "Hold on," Werner said as he pulled the phone out of his jeans' pocket and flipped it open.  "Hey pal!  What's going on?"  There was a slight pause, but Amanda could tell it was one of his friends back in Germany.  "Yeah, we're in some pathetic Canadian place.  'Bout halfway done with this tour and then I should hopefully be back by Christmas.  Yeah, but now I've got like a week off 'cause that mutant that was here took off and Margali cut off our skit." 

            Amanda furrowed her eyebrows as Werner continued to talk and walk away from the tent towards the trailers, as if she wasn't there at all.

            "Yeah.  I have no idea where he went.  He's weird enough, ya know?"  Amanda gasped at that.  How could he say something like that?  "Amanda?  Yeah, she's fine.  Oh, did you get the score for the soccer game?  They don't televise it here!"

            Amanda's heart beat hard inside of her.  She wasn't fine, by no means.  Yet Werner didn't seem to take any notice on her feelings at all.  She always knew he was a bit of a blockhead, but she didn't think he was so insensitive. 

            She watched him as he stood by the picnic tables now, talking away on the cell phone, and then getting upset when he lost his connection to whoever he was talking to.  He cursed the phone and tried to redial the number.

            "Idiot," she said as she got up and went to the trailer that held all of the food.  Now she was hungry.  For some reason, she felt better.  She knew what she could do to fix some things.  It wouldn't help Kurt in any way, but she'd be ready for him to come back.

I've found a reason for me
to change who I used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you

            Werner had given up on his cell phone and returned it to his pocket.  He found Amanda wondering out of the food trailer and caught up with her, telling her how stupid cell phones were.

            "Yeah, they're really dumb.  They ruin a lot of things," she told him, not even making eye contact.

            "So anyway, weren't you talking when I got that call or something?"

            Amanda smirked.  "Yeah, I was talking.  But you know?  It wasn't important."

            "That's fine.  Oh, I was wondering if you knew where Chester stashed the papers he got when he went into town.  I'm hoping the sports pages would say something about Germany's soccer game."

            Amanda ignored him and continued to eat the sandwich she made.  It was turkey.  Turkey was one of Kurt's favorites.  She smiled when she recalled a time when he almost had a heart attack when Margali forgot to buy tomatoes—he liked them on his turkey sandwiches.

            "Amanda, are you listening me?"

            "What?"  She laughed lightly and then waved her hand at him.  "Werner, I think you better start calling home and looking for a new girlfriend."

            "What?"

            "I don't want to go out with you anymore.  I don't love you.  I'm not interested in you anymore.  Get someone who is."

            Werner stared at her.  "Amanda, you can't be serious.  You don't know what you're saying.  You're just delusional."

            Amanda raised an eyebrow and opened her mouth in shock.  "Delusional?  You think I'm delusional?  I am not!  You haven't paid any attention to me and my feelings since Kurt left."

            "See!  That's why you're doing this," he said pointing at her accusingly.  "You're all ticked off about that mutant!  You think dumping me will make you feel better about him leaving you?"

            "He didn't leave me!  Its people like you that blinded me from him!"

            "Don't tell me you like that creepy looking guy!" 

"He's not creepy!"

"I can't believe you!  Damn, you're such a pretty girl and stuff and you want to throw away that image by thinking about a mutant?  Especially him?  He probably doesn't even know now to-"

            "Stop it, Werner!  Don't you dare talk about Kurt like that.  I don't care what you think.  I want my Kurt back and you gone!  Just get out of my life!"

            Amanda ran towards her trailer and heard him yell to her, "You'll regret this!  You'll come crawling back to me!  I know you will!!"


I've found a reason to show
a side of me you didn't know
a reason for all that I do
and the reason is you

            For the first time in days, Amanda hadn't started to cry.  Instead, she felt like her heart was lifted from a terrible burden and life was going to start over fresh.  In a way Werner was right.  Dumping him wouldn't bring Kurt back; but Amanda knew she wouldn't regret it. 

            Without hesitation, Amanda went over to her counter of pictures and grabbed all of the ones that involved Werner.  Not wanting to rid herself of the frames her mother and Kurt had given her last year, she removed each picture and threw them in the small trashcan under the plastic table. 

            It took a few minutes, but she was able to pull out one of the storage containers from its resting spot from under her cot.  Opening the lid and pulling out the top items, she found exactly what she was looking for.  The circus poster she loved the most.

            Amanda took the round wall clock off of the wall, which happened to be the only space that would fit the poster perfectly.  Finding four tacks, she pinned it to the wall, stepping back to look at her Nightcrawler, who stood sideways and looked towards his left, wearing a shimmering-red, high-collared jacket.

            As for the picture of her family, she put it at the head of her counter pictures.  Sitting on the cot once again, Amanda stared at the poster across from her, but she didn't cry.  As a replacement for her depressed frowns, Amanda's mouth formed a smile. 

            "Kurt, I'll be right here waiting for you."  She paused and looked out her window, next to the poster, and saw Werner talking flamboyantly to Chester and a few others.  "And when you do, I'll be yours.  I promise, my dearest Nightcrawler."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Afterward

            The circus left Calgary as scheduled, although Margali had thought they should stay a little longer, just in case Kurt showed up.  Amanda had hoped the same thing as her mother, but alas, the mutant didn't return.  The circus made its next stop in the state of Washington, going about business as normal, but never letting Nightcrawler drift from his or her minds. 

            As the weeks passed, the thought Kurt would appear one day had become less promising.  Margali reasoned with what she was sure to be the truth that Kurt had died and she'd never see her "son" again, although every night she prayed God would keep him safe and one day let him find his way home.

            Amanda, on the other hand, had total belief that Kurt was somewhere on that continent and she'd see him someday again.  No matter though, she knew she made the right decision about Werner, and she didn't regret it for a moment.

            Not even two weeks after they had their argument, Werner told Margali he quit and was going home to Germany.  Margali had gladly agreed and told him to enjoy his trip home, probably with a bit more enthusiasm than she should have made clear.

            The Szardos Traveling Circus was the birth of Nightcrawler, and Amanda missed working with him.  She knew wishing that she could have been different towards him in the past wouldn't change anything, but she promised herself to be different.  And like she had said, she waited for Kurt to return, whenever that day would come.