A/N: Has anyone done this yet? I went to see Film Red last weekend and so much of it is currently living rent-free in my brain right now, the Heart Pirate contingent included, which meant that fic was bound to happen.
2903 words; contains spoilers for a specific Film Red gag, I guess (and the movie as a whole); I love our favorite jaded double-genocide survivor and his crew of nutbags; the idea that Bepo needs a chaperone despite being twenty-two and presumably able to use both Electro and Sulong is kind of hilarious in of itself, as long as you don't think about the One Piece world at-large (Law just wants his fuzzy little brother to have a good time yo); be glad I wrote about this and not a compare/contrast essay between this and Jango's Dance Carnival lol
Designated Chaperone
In faint memories, ones blurred by trauma and time, Trafalgar D. Water Law used to actually enjoy music. He could recall festival bands and radio snails; his sister attempting the violin and their mother gently correcting her; the way his parents would dance to certain songs, clung together and swaying in the dim office that was their sitting room. All that changed, like so many others, with the Amber Lead and the subsequent systematic elimination of Flevance. Later on in his tumultuous childhood, Doflamingo's court was only one for Dressrosan music, which was something he barely experienced due to leaving the Family so young. Much music still brought a pang of sadness to his heart, one he was not entirely certain would ever fade away with time.
The rest of the Heart Pirates, however, loved music. Worse yet: they were disastrously bad at it. Every so often, when there was nothing to do after dinner, they all got together and procured musical instruments out of somewhere and then proceeded to—very poorly, mind—play a medley of North Blue standards. Law, not wanting to ruin the mood thanks to something beyond the control of anyone there, would sulk back to his cabin and attempt to do something else to pass the time. The metal of the submarine would always betray him, however, and carry the screeches and bleats and booms throughout the entire expanse of the Polar Tang. Nowhere was safe.
"Alright, that's it," he ordered, putting on his best scowl. The crew was all in the galley, stopping mid-song. Hakugan and Bepo even stopped their dancing to join in the guilty staring. "New rule: these concerts can only happen outside."
"…but we're not scheduled to resurface for another three days," Shachi mentioned.
"I don't care. Either take lessons—which good luck with that considering what we do—or play music that was made by a professional. Those are your options."
"That doesn't sound very fair," Ikkaku fired back. The guys all stared at her as she confronted their captain; the only woman amongst them and yet she was the one with the balls to argumentatively sass back. "Music is fun, in case you haven't noticed."
"It's not when it sounds like you're butchering a goat alive, which is only a slightly-muffled goat mid-butchering if I head to my quarters and do my best to ignore you. No more concerts indoors until something improves. Don't think that's leeway to kidnap Bone-ya. Or anyone else. That's final."
Was he proud? Not entirely, he mused as he stomped back to his cabin. It was at least going to get him some peace and quiet for a while. He locked his door and laid down on his bed, letting out a long exhale as he tried settling himself long enough to get some rest.
Oh, could he have not been more wrong.
As it was, the moratorium on the crew playing instruments inside the confines of the Polar Tang resulted in one very specific thing: the introduction of Princess Uta into their lives. The young woman with two-toned hair would broadcast concerts and put out shells that played her music over and over again, the songs becoming staples alongside the Soul King's on the submarine. Her work was well beyond festival bands and the living instrument of a Supernova—it was stuff with emotion and range, that worked deep into one's very soul until there was little but her music being played. She was a rare talent, that was for certain, but there was still something about the crew's recent infatuation with her that put Law a bit on-edge.
"So this is her, huh?" He was holding the box that the latest Tone Dial came in, with her face printed along the side. She was… cute…? He guessed…? She looked around the same age his sister would have been had she… no, none of that, Law. Just be normal for a change.
"She's a bombshell, that's for sure," Penguin grinned, high-fiving Shachi. The two of them and Ikkaku were relaxing in lounge chairs while Law sat underneath an umbrella with a medical journal and the remainder of the Heart Pirates were attempting to teach Jean Bart how to play beach volleyball. Well, Bepo was in the cool air of the submarine as it stayed docked a short ways off the island, but that was a given for Summer Islands.
"You're gross," Ikkaku grumbled. Shachi rolled his eyes.
"You're jealous she actually gets flirted with, Miss All the Other Hearts' Sister Figure."
"Sach, Uta's just a kid."
"She's twenty-one, thank you," Shachi defended. He watched as their captain placed the box back down on the blanket, the music of the nearby Tone Dial filtering through the open air. "You know, rumor has it she's planning a concert."
"We've seen plenty," Law stated. They had. At least she sang better than Clione.
"No, like, a live one," Shachi clarified. "She's never done one, unlike Soul King."
"The two of them should collaborate," Penguin decided.
"That's a bad idea," Law stated bluntly. Ikkaku snickered while Penguin and Shachi sulked.
"What do you mean by that, Captain?" Shachi growled. "Don't you think that would be one of the best collaborations of all time?!"
"I would barely trust the two of you around her—get Bone-ya, and Blackleg-ya by extension, and I fear for her safety."
"Killjoy," Penguin mumbled. "You can dump a hundred hearts on the doorstep of the Celestials, but allow the greatest musical collaboration of our age? Apparently that's off-limits. Who knew?"
"I can and will scramble Little Penguin to somewhere on this island and you won't be able to find it to reattach before we leave; same goes for Little Shachi," Law threatened.
Both men squirmed uncomfortably, which Ikkaku's snicker became a full-on cackle. The captain casually went back to the medical journal in his lap and reached for his drink—he was certain he had not heard the end of this.
…and of course, he was right. Again. Despite the fact he wanted to be wrong for once.
The rumored concert was more than just a rumor—it was a full-blown event. Elegia, the venue for the festivities, was large enough that a lottery system was put in place and, if someone won, they had a small window to call on a transponder snail and get as many tickets as they wanted. The only trick was that they were not for resale, only gifting, to ward off scalpers. Why would you resell free tickets anyhow? Anyone not chosen in the raffle pull was going to be relegated to a call-in show, where the video snails could broadcast to the entire rest of the world live. Being there in-person was highly sought-after, however, and it seemed as though every single Heart Pirate other than the captain put in to increase their chances.
That being said, only one person ended up getting their name drawn on the Polar Tang.
"I can't believe it!" Bepo sobbed, holding his winning notice. The bear bounced around the top deck of the Tang, the other music-lovers cheering him on. "This is like a dream come true!"
"You've known about her for five months," Law reminded them. He was promptly ignored, so he fluffed out the newspaper and continued to read. Damn, they were annoying sometimes. "I should tell Bone-ya on you all."
Still being ignored, Law took it as a sign that this was merely going to be a thing he would never understand. The man made a valiant attempt at ignoring the commotion, until there was suddenly a distinct lack of it. He didn't look up from the newspaper, not until a large shadow blocked his light.
It was Bepo, and he was wearing a pastel pink t-shirt with an arrow-rent heart on it, along with the most garish-looking contraption Law had ever seen. It was large and light-up and consisted of three fans, the one behind his head possessing a large UTA. Oh no…
"How do you like my outfit for the concert?" he beamed. "I've been working on it since we all put in for the lottery."
"It is flamboyant… and I grew up knowing Donquixote Doflamingo," Law noted. Bepo bowed and muttered out a quick sorry. "As long as someone's willing to go along, I'm not stopping you."
"You sure about that, Captain?" Law leaned over to glance around Bepo, seeing that the entire rest of the crew was cringing at the bear's getup. "Maybe… Bepo can go by himself…"
"Nonsense," Law said. "While Bepo's strong on his own, he's still a Mink and there will be a lot of variables at this concert. We don't know if there will be anyone wanting to snatch him for sale or to get to us as a whole. He needs a chaperone, so to speak. Figure it out amongst yourselves."
"…but…!"
"No buts, Peng—figure it out."
"Captain…"
"Put in for a pair of tickets, Bepo," Law said, going back to the newspaper. "You're going to the concert and one of the goons is going with you."
Bepo cried again, not able to contain his joy.
The rest of the Hearts cried, not able to contain their embarrassment.
Just as Law liked it.
The next couple of weeks were rather tense, to say the least, amongst the denizens of the Polar Tang. While Bepo made fine-tuning changes to his getup, the rest of the Heart Pirates were attempting to figure out who was to go with him. No one could look the bear in the eyes and actually tell him no—not when it came to something like this. He generally asked for so little, was always apologizing for every tiny thing, that it was of the collective crew's firm belief that Bepo should go, and that one of them should take him.
Their only real issue was attempting to decide which one.
"It should really be one of you," Uni said, pointing between Penguin and Shachi. The lot of them were in the galley as Law and Bepo were charting the next few legs of their course, including their stopover by Elegia. "You two have known him the longest."
"Yeah, and we already know that the guy is almost too much for us to handle together, let alone for one of us," Shachi replied. "It should be Ikkaku."
"Why me?" she snapped. "I've got work to do."
"Listening to the concert while you pretend to tune up the Tang doesn't cut it," Clione fired back. "Maybe Jean Bart can do it—use it as an excuse to know the guy a bit better."
"No," the burly man said adamantly. "I did many things considered humiliating when I was a slave and had no choice. Now that I'm free, I'd like to be choosy about when and where I look like a fool, thank you."
"Captain said that we needed to choose someone by the end of the day or he would choose at random, need I remind everyone," Penguin said. "Now how are we going to make sure that Bep gets to go while sacrificing the least amount of our dignity?"
That was the question, wasn't it? There was no way that Bepo was going to be dressed less-obnoxiously, not with the amount of bear-hours he put into his getup, and there was no way anyone in the galley was going to be seen with someone dressed like that. Hell, they enjoyed the fact they all essentially had uniforms. There was something to be said about the oneness of them, how it brought them all together, and how it really forced them to look at their crewmates as not only individuals, but part of the same unit. It made them a more united front…
…wait! That was it!
"I think I figured it out!" Ikkaku grinned. The guys all looked at her in confusion. "None of us have to go!"
"Ikka—Captain said one of us has to go," Shachi groaned. Her grin never faded and all the pieces snapped into place inside his brain. "Oh… I see…"
"See what?" Hakugan wondered. The masked pirate watched as Ikkaku's grin spread like wildfire, wondering what was going on until, suddenly, clearly, everything made perfect sense.
Without speaking a word, the Heart Pirates made a decision.
The Polar Tang was moored on a small island, not large enough to have its own climate, but close enough to a nearby Spring Island to benefit. Most of the crew was enjoying being in fresh air and on solid land again, glad that the ventilation system could filter out the past few days of farts and burnt butter with help from the gentle breeze. It was a wonderful, serene, calm day…
"Alright, who's going with Bepo?" Law asked. His crew looked at him from where Bepo was currently readying a small vessel to take him to Elegia not far away. He was already dressed up in his fan-attire, which raised the silent question of if he was going to be using himself as a sail. "You said you chose someone. Now who is it?"
"We all decided unanimously," Penguin said, stepping forward as the crew representative, "and it is the one out of the entire crew who deserves the chance to go and have fun with Bepo the most, by far and away."
"Then why is no one getting the boat ready with him?" Law asked. Penguin put one hand on Law's shoulder, clenching his other fist with tears in his eyes.
"It is a sacrifice I know you won't make lightly, Captain," Penguin said. "We'll all be here rooting for you."
Law's eyes went wide. "Now wait a minute…!"
"You didn't say who was in the pool of candidates, Cap!" Hakugan cackled. Law grew pale and his normally-razor-sharp mind began to shut down. Him? Attend a massive concert? With huge crowds? And Bepo looking like a fool of a hyper-fan? He lost count of how many times he'd almost died years ago at this point, but this could have been the one to do him in.
"Bep, we've got your concert buddy!" Shachi announced. The Mink looked just as Penguin turned Law around and shoved him towards the small boat. Bepo's eyes went wide and he caught his captain, bringing him into a crushing hug.
"Oh, I knew you'd come around to Princess Uta eventually, Captain!" Bepo cried. "If we get going now, then we can be guaranteed to get good seats! The entire stadium is a grassy park!"
"Bepo… I…"
"No need to worry! Bep's got it covered!" Ikkaku shouted. The other Heart Pirates waved their captain and navigator off, not caring how much trauma they were inflicting on the former, nor how much they were absolutely screwed if something happened to the latter.
"Are we sure this is a good idea?" Jean Bart asked as the tiny boat headed towards the distance.
"'Course it is," Ikkaku said cheerily.
"…but he's dressed for the beach," Clione noted. "His legs are out."
"Man needs to live a little—show himself off more," Shachi replied, trying his best to not burst into laughter. "Maybe, if we're lucky, he might actually get some while they're out. You know… a little bit of alternative crew recruitment?"
"I don't know which of you two is worse," Ikkaku scowled. Penguin snickered just out of her reach, which caused her to shoot him a glare in warning. "Now, if you excuse me: Uni and I need to make sure our setup for the concert is in working order."
Somehow, Shachi and Penguin felt setting up the projection rig was a lot like when she needed to wash her hair.
As it turned out, the Heart Pirates that had stayed back on the island had missed an absolute banger of a time. Between getting stuck in a psycho-fantasy-dreamworld and not being able to do anything about it (because they could see the darkness from Tot Musica on the horizon, while seemingly stuck on the island, and it was not a good feeling in the slightest), and the fact that there was a huge beatdown between major world powers both inside the dreamworld and out, and the revelation that Uta was also, somehow, Red-Haired Shanks's daughter…? There was a lot to be said about being there in-person.
"You gotta tell us what went down, Bep!" Penguin pleaded. It had only been five whole minutes since the navigator and captain had returned and the others were full of questions. "Did you do anything in the dreamworld that you also did in the real world?"
"Did you still need to avoid the Marines after that?!"
"What's Princess Uta like in-person?!"
"Did the captain run off with anyone for a couple hours for reasons not battle-related?!"
More than a couple punches and kicks went Shachi's way as he was disciplined for such a ridiculous question. Their captain put up an island-wide room and scrambled something, the rest of the crew looking confusedly at one another before Shachi pulled a literal leaf from his pants and began to run red-faced into the nearby forest.
"Anyone says a damn thing about anything and they're on the next freighter we see," Law threatened. "In pieces. Gagged. In a crate. Bound for Germa."
Yeeaahhh… that was not exactly what anyone had in mind.