The duty that called Sparrow sounded suspiciously like World War III. Or
maybe the prequel to World War I, since this was supposed to be the
doughnut-and-cake-less-1689. There were several loud explosions and
angry shouts that I couldn't make out over the explosions.
Finally, I could understand one of the shouts. It sounded suspiciously like 'prepare to be boarded.' This was followed by more shouting.
I had two choices. I could stay in Sparrow's cabin and break my teeth on the hardtack or I could borrow one of Sparrow's guns and take a little look- see. Assuming I could pick the lock on his door. That was a pretty big if. Ranger was still teaching me the finer points of breaking and entering.
I wasted maybe a minute picking a gun. They all looked pretty much the same. Single shot that had to be front-loaded with gunpowder, if I remembered my movie-of-the-week properly. I didn't see any gunpowder lying around Sparrow's cabin, though, so I was stuck with an unloaded gun. Fine with me, since I hate guns.
Bracing myself, I reached for the door and discovered that, in his haste, Sparrow forgot to lock it. What a relief. Opening the door a crack, I peered out. Nobody seemed to be home. Creeping forward, I discovered they were visiting the boat next door. Since that was where all the action was, I decided to go for a visit, too.
Sparrow seemed to be posing, one hand on his hip, the other gripping a wicked-looking sword, while he watched his crew tie up the people from the other ship. It would have been impressive if there weren't a big, burly guy sneaking up on him from behind.
Now, if Ranger were here, he would've snuck up behind Burly and knocked him out cold. But Ranger wasn't here, so it was up to me. Sucking in a deep breath, I channeled my inner bad-ass bounty hunter.
"Freeze! Bail enforcement agent! Drop the weapon! NOW!"
Burly turned his head in my direction, looked me over and guffawed loudly. "Poppet, you ain't got the guts to shoot me."
"Y'know, that's exactly what the last guy I shot said to me. Right before I shot him."
"You stupid bint! Put down the gun afore'n I hurt you!"
Bint? Did he just call me a bint? What the hell was a bint? Whatever it was, I figured I was supposed to be insulted. So I did the only thing I could. I threw the gun at him.
Burly howled in pain as the gun struck him right in the face. I hurled myself at him, using whatever moves I managed to pick up from Ranger. Wrestling Burly to the ground, I remembered something important. I didn't have my handcuffs. They were in my handbag, with my cell phone, in my truck. In the real world. "A little help here!"
A sword-point materialized by Burly's throat. "Will this do, love?"
Sparrow. Smirking at me.
A pair of hands hauled me off of Burly and onto my feet. It was a female pirate and she gave me a friendly punch in the arm before bending down to hog-tie Burly. "Nice work, girl."
"Thanks." Ow, that hurt.
"Aye," Sparrow agreed, circling me. "Very interesting technique, throwing a gun, instead of firing it."
"I would've thrown one of those hardtack things, but that would've killed him."
He flashed a gold-toothed grin at me. "So."
"Yes?"
"I suppose you're thinking that little stunt entitles you to a share of the booty, eh?"
"Huh?"
"This is a nice, fat British lady. No doubt there'll be a pretty new frock for you below."
"Say what?"
"Alright, pet, don't pout so. Two dresses, but that's it."
"Two dresses," I repeated, incredulously. "Are you telling me you're robbing this boat?"
"Pirate."
"Oh, that explains everything," I snorted, rolling my eyes. Wait a second. "You fired on them first?!"
Now it was Sparrow's turn to roll his eyes. "That's what pirates do, love. We rifle and loot and don't give a hoot and such like."
"That's illegal!" Mental head slap. "I'm an accessory to a piracy!"
"I thought you were a bail enforcement agent. What is that anyway?"
"That," I said, slowly, "is a bounty hunter."
Sparrow looked at me for a long moment and then burst into laughter.
***************************
Me and my big mouth.
"You're a bounty hunter." Sparrow snorted again and held out both his wrists. "Well, go ahead then, darling. Take me."
This, naturally, earned hearty laughter from the rest of Sparrow's crew.
There was only so far you could push a girl from the Burg. I shot him an appraising look. "You don't look like you're worth all that much."
He clapped a hand to his chest. "Ah, darling, you wound me with your sarcasm."
"Girl," interjected one of the crew, an older, heavyset man with muttonchops that Elvis would have been envious of, "that there's Cap'n Jack Sparrow, savvy?"
I arched an eyebrow. "And that means what exactly? You think you're some kind of badass?"
"Badass," Sparrow repeated, testing out the word. "Aye, that I am, missy. A great, big badass. Shall I show ye why?"
Finally, I could understand one of the shouts. It sounded suspiciously like 'prepare to be boarded.' This was followed by more shouting.
I had two choices. I could stay in Sparrow's cabin and break my teeth on the hardtack or I could borrow one of Sparrow's guns and take a little look- see. Assuming I could pick the lock on his door. That was a pretty big if. Ranger was still teaching me the finer points of breaking and entering.
I wasted maybe a minute picking a gun. They all looked pretty much the same. Single shot that had to be front-loaded with gunpowder, if I remembered my movie-of-the-week properly. I didn't see any gunpowder lying around Sparrow's cabin, though, so I was stuck with an unloaded gun. Fine with me, since I hate guns.
Bracing myself, I reached for the door and discovered that, in his haste, Sparrow forgot to lock it. What a relief. Opening the door a crack, I peered out. Nobody seemed to be home. Creeping forward, I discovered they were visiting the boat next door. Since that was where all the action was, I decided to go for a visit, too.
Sparrow seemed to be posing, one hand on his hip, the other gripping a wicked-looking sword, while he watched his crew tie up the people from the other ship. It would have been impressive if there weren't a big, burly guy sneaking up on him from behind.
Now, if Ranger were here, he would've snuck up behind Burly and knocked him out cold. But Ranger wasn't here, so it was up to me. Sucking in a deep breath, I channeled my inner bad-ass bounty hunter.
"Freeze! Bail enforcement agent! Drop the weapon! NOW!"
Burly turned his head in my direction, looked me over and guffawed loudly. "Poppet, you ain't got the guts to shoot me."
"Y'know, that's exactly what the last guy I shot said to me. Right before I shot him."
"You stupid bint! Put down the gun afore'n I hurt you!"
Bint? Did he just call me a bint? What the hell was a bint? Whatever it was, I figured I was supposed to be insulted. So I did the only thing I could. I threw the gun at him.
Burly howled in pain as the gun struck him right in the face. I hurled myself at him, using whatever moves I managed to pick up from Ranger. Wrestling Burly to the ground, I remembered something important. I didn't have my handcuffs. They were in my handbag, with my cell phone, in my truck. In the real world. "A little help here!"
A sword-point materialized by Burly's throat. "Will this do, love?"
Sparrow. Smirking at me.
A pair of hands hauled me off of Burly and onto my feet. It was a female pirate and she gave me a friendly punch in the arm before bending down to hog-tie Burly. "Nice work, girl."
"Thanks." Ow, that hurt.
"Aye," Sparrow agreed, circling me. "Very interesting technique, throwing a gun, instead of firing it."
"I would've thrown one of those hardtack things, but that would've killed him."
He flashed a gold-toothed grin at me. "So."
"Yes?"
"I suppose you're thinking that little stunt entitles you to a share of the booty, eh?"
"Huh?"
"This is a nice, fat British lady. No doubt there'll be a pretty new frock for you below."
"Say what?"
"Alright, pet, don't pout so. Two dresses, but that's it."
"Two dresses," I repeated, incredulously. "Are you telling me you're robbing this boat?"
"Pirate."
"Oh, that explains everything," I snorted, rolling my eyes. Wait a second. "You fired on them first?!"
Now it was Sparrow's turn to roll his eyes. "That's what pirates do, love. We rifle and loot and don't give a hoot and such like."
"That's illegal!" Mental head slap. "I'm an accessory to a piracy!"
"I thought you were a bail enforcement agent. What is that anyway?"
"That," I said, slowly, "is a bounty hunter."
Sparrow looked at me for a long moment and then burst into laughter.
***************************
Me and my big mouth.
"You're a bounty hunter." Sparrow snorted again and held out both his wrists. "Well, go ahead then, darling. Take me."
This, naturally, earned hearty laughter from the rest of Sparrow's crew.
There was only so far you could push a girl from the Burg. I shot him an appraising look. "You don't look like you're worth all that much."
He clapped a hand to his chest. "Ah, darling, you wound me with your sarcasm."
"Girl," interjected one of the crew, an older, heavyset man with muttonchops that Elvis would have been envious of, "that there's Cap'n Jack Sparrow, savvy?"
I arched an eyebrow. "And that means what exactly? You think you're some kind of badass?"
"Badass," Sparrow repeated, testing out the word. "Aye, that I am, missy. A great, big badass. Shall I show ye why?"