CHAPTER 8: THE DVD GOES SOUTH

A cool wind whistled through the halls of Cradossk's guild as the bounty hunters prepared to leave. Zuckuss was refilling his methane tank, readying himself for the battle ahead, 4-LOM was eating apples, and Dengar was fixing his long blonde hair—until he remembered again that he didn't have any. Damn that *@$^$ Jigwit!

Meanwhile, Fett was kneeling before a lonely monument at the other end of the guild, a statue of a woman wearing a tight leather outfit. There was a veil over her wrinky green face.

"I've got a new joke for you, Zam," Fett said, glancing around to make sure no one was near. "Why did the Sith Lord cross the galaxy?"

There was a dead silence, as would be expected.

"To get to the Dark Side!" He tried to laugh, but found it extremely difficult and finally gave up. "What do you think? Do you like it. . . ?" He smacked his helmet (he couldn't reach his forehead). "Why do I insist upon degrading myself so?"

He sighed, a scary sound coming through the voice synthesizer. "Okay, okay, that was pretty bad, I know. But here's another one: A Twi-lek, a Wookiee, and a dumb Jedi are standing too close to the edge of Cloud City, and I push them off. Which one hits the molten core last?" He paused, waiting for her to reply. She didn't. "The dumb Jedi, because he had to stop and ask for directions! Heh heh heh. . . . Oh, never mind."

"I knew it!" Cradossk exclaimed, jumping out of the bushes. "She WAS the MOTHER-FIGURE!"

"Would you stop it already?" Fett asked in disgust.

"What?"

"Obsessing over me, stalking me. It's disturbing."

Cradossk didn't seem to hear him. "Your mother-figure tried to protect you. Zam thought in my Guild you'd be safe, but in her wrinkly green heart she knew you'd be hunted all your life. The skill of the Trandoshans can reforge the Shards of Westar, but only you can wield them!"

"What are you talking about?" Fett asked in disgust. He's ranting again. "I already took the Shards, and you aren't ever going to touch them again."

Apparently Cradossk was only hearing Fett say what he wanted him to say, which was something along the lines of But I don't want to be a bounty hunter anymore! I want to stay here with you, Cradossk! He responded as best as he was able. "You are the last of the Mandalorians! There is no other!"

***

Meanwhile, far far away, a secret meeting was taking place. A tall, dark, incredibly old man was pacing back and forth, gazing lovingly at his new servant.

"Do you know how the Death Watch first came to be?" Count Dooku asked, still pacing.

Durge looked at him in confusion. "I'm not part of the Death Watch—"

Like Cradossk, Dooku was getting hard of hearing in his old age. "They were Mandalorians once, until they were emotionally tortured and mutilated by Mereel's radical ideas. . . ."

Durge growled. "Grrr. . . Mandalorians. . . . Must kill Mandalorians. . . ."

"Who do you serve?" Dooku shouted, as if he were a drill sergeant.

"TYRANNUS! GRRRR!!!!!!!!"

Dooku continued his pacing all the way through his factory. What had once been a droid-building facility was now a cloning facility. Clones of Durge were popping out every minute, each one more terrifying than the original. Unfortunately, due to problems with the cloning process, they were also stupider than the original (I don't know how this can be possible, but it is) which would make them very easy to kill. . . . This only meant that Dooku would have to clone more and more of them.

As each clone came out, its older companions would paint it with the traditional Durge insignia—a Mandalorian skull. Seeing as how Durge hated Mandalorians, this didn't make much sense, but like I said, Durge wasn't the smartest bounty hunter on the block.

"Tonight," Dooku proclaimed to his masses, "you will taste Manflesh—!" He stumbled over his lines. Shouldn't have done so many sci-fi movies at once, he thought with a sigh. My old brain can't keep them straight. . . . "Tonight," he corrected himself, "you will taste MANDALORIAN-flesh!"

***

"Why couldn't we have taken my ship?" Bossk muttered under his breath. The nine bounty hunters were crowded on the Slave 1. "Lucky for you that big guy with the cannon sticking out of his chest isn't here with us," the Trandoshan said to Fett, "or you'd have a couple less holding cells."

"I'd probably have a couple less mouths too," Fett said, without looking away from his controls.

"Quioto?" Boussh asked.

"Where are we going?" 4-LOM echoed. "I do not know; where are we going, Fett?"

Dengar shook his bandaged head. "Don't bother asking. He won't tell you, trust me."

"We're going to Hoth," Fett said suddenly, much to everyone's surprise, "to explore the ice caves and attempt to find a map to Skywalker Ranch. I suspect that the crew may have left one there while they were filming Empire."

"If you ask Zuckuss," the Gand said, "and he notes you're not, Zuckuss would say the bounty hunters were taking the long way to Skywalker Ranch!" The others looked at him in surprise. "Hoth is a much too obvious planet to leave a map on! IG-88, Zuckuss and his companions could check the Spice Mines of Kessel. Zuckuss is sure the miners there would give the bounty hunters a warm welcome."

"No, Zuckuss," the assassin droid said, swiveling its head back and forth, "I would not take the path through Kessel unless I had no other choice.

"I'm hungry," Bossk muttered angrily. "Don't you ever eat, Fett?" He started rummaging through the cabin, searching for something edible. At that moment, he spotted 4-LOM munching on an apple. "Give me that!"

4-LOM shook its head furiously. "No, it is mine!"

"You're a droid!" Bossk exclaimed in disgust. "You can't eat!"

"I am a Jedi!" 4-LOM argued. "I need this apple to keep up my strength in the Force!"

With an angry growl, the Trandoshan hurled himself upon the droid. After a moment, Boussh jumped into the fray, trying to steal the apple for himself.

"Gentlemen," Fett said, turning around from the console, "I'll have no fighting on my ship."

"You can't tell me what to do," Bossk said without looking up. "Shorty," he added after a moment's thought.

Fett's eyes narrowed in fury, and he strode over to the group, planning on kicking Bossk in the face with his poison-tipped bootspikes. Unfortunately, he tripped over the apple and fell on top of the others. What ensued was a four-member wrestling match.

"Watch out, Fossil," Kast said under his breath. "Might break your hip."

Dengar was staring fixedly at the viewscreen, his cybernetically-enhanced eyes giving him an advantage over the others. "There's something coming." IG-88 would have narrowed its eyes if it had any.

"Nonsense," Zuckuss said, "it's just a bit of asteroid."

Fett jumped up and raced back to the controls. His fingers dancing agilely over the console, he pulled the Slave 1 into a tight loop and started turning around.

"No," Bossk said, looking at what was coming towards them, "asteroids don't move like that. . . ."

Dengar's eyes widened in surprise. "Mynocks from Dantooine!"

Just in the nick of time, Fett pulled the ship behind an asteroid. The bounty hunters watched in horror as the mynocks flew by.

"Wow," Greedo said in amazement, "neat trick, Fett."

The Mandalorian shrugged. "I've seen it done before. Several times."

"Our passage south is being watched," IG-88 said ominously. "Quickly, Fett! We do not have much time!"

***

The moment the ship landed on the snow-covered planet, all nine bounty hunters raced out of the hatch. "Brrr," Greedo said immediately, hugging himself. "I miss Tatooine."

"Hurry up, Greedo," IG-88 said, striding on ahead of them. "We have not got long."

"Snow!" Dengar cried in delight, and raced forward. "It's like Christmas on Corellia!" Much to everyone's amazement, he didn't sink into the stuff, but pranced right on top of it. He stuck out his tongue and caught spiraling snowflakes, spinning around in a circle with his arms spread out.

"How—?" Kast started in confusion, but Fett cut him off.

"Don't bother telling him it's not possible. You'll only break his heart."

Bossk ran after the human. "Dengar, what are you doing?" he called in disgust. Immediately, he dropped through eight feet of snow, seeming to disappear.

"Hm," Fett said, folding his arms across his armored chest. "What a shame."

"Aren't you going to—" Greedo started.

Fett shook his head. "No. He'll catch up." He started to follow after Dengar.

"Wait," Kast said, "how are you planning on getting through the snow?"

"Like this," Fett answered, and pulled out his blaster rifle. With a hiss of steam, the snow melted away, cutting a deep path through the landscape.

"Where's Bossk?" Dengar asked, looking down at the other bounty hunters as they walked through the path.

Zuckuss sniffled, fighting back sobs. "He fell."

Dengar glanced behind him, seeing the large hole in the snow. "Stupid $#@*$! He forgot to think happy thoughts! Oh well!" He stopped in mid-prance, his eyes narrowing.

"What is it?" Fett asked, beginning to see the flaw in his snow-cutting plan. With eight-feet of snow on all sides of them, Dengar was the only one who could see anything that was going on.

"There is a foul voice on the air," Dengar said wistfully. "It's chanting something in Huttese. . . ."

"Dooku!" the Mandalorian exclaimed. "He's trying to take down the ice caps!"

Before any of the bounty hunters could react, a massive avalanche of snow came raining down upon them. Finding himself buried alive (again), Fett ignited his jet pack and blasted out. Dengar burst out of the snow shortly after, followed by IG-88.

"Leave them?" Dengar asked, fighting back a gleeful smile.

Fett shook his head sadly. "Kast still has the DVD." Sighing regretfully, the three lifted their less-intelligent companions from their snowy prison.

"We cannot go on like this," IG-88 said in a monotone. "Dooku will continue using the Force to try and kill us. We must search somewhere else, where he cannot find us."

"We could go to the Spice Mines of Kessel," Zuckuss said, hoping they would listen to him for once.

IG-88's optical sensors darkened. It began to sense that its time had come.

***

"Yes, the Spice Mines of Kessel," Dooku said with a wicked smile. "You fear them, IG-88. The miners delved too deep. . . . You know what they awoke there, in the darkness. Tentacles, and sand. . . ."

***

"It's cold!" Greedo squealed again, hugging himself.

"Quioto!" Boussh agreed.

"I am hungry!" 4-LOM said.

IG-88 would have frowned if it had a mouth. "We could let the DVD bearer decide."

Seven heads, of all shapes and sizes, turned to look at Kast. The Mandalorian armor-clad bounty hunter swallowed nervously, then made his decision, based solely on the temperature of the air and the numbness of his toes. "We will take the Mines!"

"Yippee!" Greedo cried, and raced back down the path. He was followed by Boussh and 4-LOM, and then by Kast.

Dengar shook his head in disgust. "*%$## children."

"They are cute," Zuckuss said, in the woman's voice again, "you have to admit it."

"Afraid not," Dengar said, and followed them down the slope. He had gone scarcely ten meters before he stopped in surprise, looking ahead of them. "Wait a minute. . . ."

Fett's eyes widened in alarm as he heard the Slave 1 getting ready to take off. "What the—!" A mad race towards the ship ensued, all the bounty hunters trying to reach it before it left them stranded on the icy planet.

Greedo, who had been in the lead, was first to reach the ship. Luckily, the hatch was still opened, and hurled himself on board. The others quickly followed him, but before they could all get on, the hatch began to close.

Being the last one in the group, Fett had to leap through the air (with the aid of the jetpack, of course) to reach the ship in time. Unfortunately, he hit his head on the door on the way in.

THUNK!

"Oww," the other seven bounty hunters said in unison, wincing.

"Damned head-banging genes!" Fett moaned, the room spinning around him.

"Looks like you got a new dent there," Dengar said, helping the dazed hunter to his feet.

"Who—" the Mandalorian started, then his eyes narrowed in fury.

Sitting in the pilot's seat, Bossk laughed raucously. "That'll teach you to leave me behind!"