Picking a lock is not as easy as it looks in the movies.
I knew this from experience, having been on the wrong end of my handcuffs more than once. On the other hand, picking a lock wasn't completely impossible. After all, when you had someone like Ranger to teach you the finer points of lock-picking, you had to learn something along the way.
Right?
Well, theoretically, at least.
Reality was another story. I didn't have any lock picks to work with. Hair pins? Not on my worst hair day. So what did I have? A pair of dangly, chandelier earrings that were currently twisted up like a pretzel from trying to use them to pick the lock.
It wasn't like the lock was a Rabson or some other super-sophisticated brand. In fact, this lock was pretty much like the ones Ranger had me practicing on that I could almost pick.
Ranger.
Ranger would have been out of this cell by now and probably eating a pizza. If he ate pizza. Which he didn't. Ranger ate healthy stuff, like salads and granola. He probably would have eaten the hardtack that was sitting on the floor of my cell.
Another one of Sparrow's stupid jokes.
And then I had an idea. I picked up the hardtack and began banging it against the door. The way I figured it, the hardtack was much harder than the lock. Or the steel bars.
"Girl, that ain't gonna get you anywhere."
I looked up.
Anamaria was grinning at me and holding up an apple. "I brought ye some real food."
I eyed the apple doubtfully. "Pork chops are real food. That's a snack."
"Aye. Pork chops." She handed me the apple. "Been a while since I had pork chops."
"My mother makes great pork chops. And she usually makes chocolate cake for dessert. You don't miss pork chop night in my house." I took a bite of the apple and sighed. "Are you getting me out of here or what?"
"Ain't got the key."
"So? You're a pirate. A cheap lock like this shouldn't be a problem for you."
Her grin became even more devilish. "In truth, s'not. S'Jack, o' course. I could do 'er in me sleep."
"Like I said, so?"
"So Jack." She gave me a pointed stare. "We've got another coupl'a hours before he takes the helm."
"I thought he took it already, if you're here."
"I'm on a break. Can't very well pee over the railing like the boys, can I?"
"No kidding."
"I wish. Bloody buggers, whippin' out their willies an' whizzin' right in front of me. Enough to put me off men fer the rest o' me life." Ana shot me a warning stare. "Tha's a professional secret, mind. When I'm up there, nothin' bothers me, got it?"
"Absolutely." And she wanted me to be a pirate?
"Can I bring ye anythin' else?"
"Lock pick?"
She held up a slender piece of metal. "Ye didn't get this from me. Anyone asks me, official line is ye did this on yer own."
"Got it."
"Just stay out o' Jack's sight when ye get out."
"In this dress?!"
"'Course not. I left ye a change o' clothes by the stairs. See ya in a bit, Plum."
She turned and headed towards the stairs. "Wait."
"What?"
"What if I can't pick this by myself?"
"Come on, Plum. It's a piece o' chocolate cake. I can do it drunk." With that, she disappeared up the stairs.
Well, if Anamaria could do it drunk and it was a piece of chocolate cake...
I was never getting out of here.
**************************
Sometimes I surprise even myself.
It took maybe half an hour and a broken nail, but the lock clicked and the door swung open. Somewhere, Ranger was saying 'way to go, babe.' I made my way to the stairs and found the bundle of clothes Anamaria left.
Things were starting to look up.
At least they were, until I realized that I was tightly laced into the stupid dress. I tried to reach the knot, but it was in that place, right up there between my shoulders, where there was no way in hell I was ever going to reach it. And believe me, I tried.
I laid on the floor and tried.
I stood up and tried.
I was on the floor again, on my stomach, sweating like a pig, probably grunting like a pig, too, straining to get the damned dress untied when I was interrupted by laughter.
Sparrow, of course.
"Well," he said, crouching next to me and rolling me on to my back. "This is interesting."
I bluffed. "You didn't think that flimsy lock could hold me, did you?"
"The great badass bounty hunter of New Jersey? Nah. But it did keep ye busy all afternoon." He reached past me and lifted up the bundle of clothes Anamaria left me. "And where did these come from, love?"
"Didn't you send them for me?" I really didn't want Anamaria to get in trouble. "That was awfully sweet of you, Jack."
"Ah, so it's Jack, now, is it?"
I started to sit up, but he pushed me back down and pinned my wrists with one hand and the rest of me with his body. "Hey!"
"Where we ye going, love? Didn't ye learn your lesson about wanderin' around the ship?"
"I had pants this time!"
"Pants?"
What was the word they used for pants in 1689? "Breeches. I can kick ass in breeches, but I can't kick ass in ten tons of frou-frou."
Sparrow, of course, found this funny. "I had ye bound an' slung over me shoulder in ten seconds flat, my girl. And my ass survived the experience with nary a mark."
"That wasn't a fair fight. I took down that big buy on the other boat."
"Ye hit him in the face with a gun. Was that a fair fight?"
Now I was screwed. If I said yes, he'd tell me what he did was fair. If I said no... What would Ranger say? No. What would Lula say? "Isn't it time for dinner yet?"
"I let ye change the subject once already, love."
Damn, I didn't think he noticed it. Sparrow was really good. He'd gotten me on my eye-rolling and now my subject-changing. But he did like it when I called him Jack, so... "Oh, but Jack, I've been stuck down here all day with nothing to eat."
"Ana didn't bring ye a little somethin' from the galley when she brought ye the lock pick?"
"Ana wasn't here."
"'Course she was."
"Okay, alright. Jeez. She brought me an apple. But I had the lock pick."
"And ye had it hidden where, love?"
"My boot." Which is where I stashed it after I got out of the cell, since the stupid dress, despite being made out of ten tons of frou-frou, didn't have a single pocket.
"Left or right?"
"Right."
And just as it dawned on me why he was asking, his free hand snaked into my boot and plucked out the pick. Before I could call him any number of choice names that came to mind, he had me back in the cell. He slammed the door shut and winked at me. "Don't fret, love. I'm sure Ana will let ye out later."
I could hear Ranger now, that tone, somewhere between disappointment and amusement.
Babe.
I knew this from experience, having been on the wrong end of my handcuffs more than once. On the other hand, picking a lock wasn't completely impossible. After all, when you had someone like Ranger to teach you the finer points of lock-picking, you had to learn something along the way.
Right?
Well, theoretically, at least.
Reality was another story. I didn't have any lock picks to work with. Hair pins? Not on my worst hair day. So what did I have? A pair of dangly, chandelier earrings that were currently twisted up like a pretzel from trying to use them to pick the lock.
It wasn't like the lock was a Rabson or some other super-sophisticated brand. In fact, this lock was pretty much like the ones Ranger had me practicing on that I could almost pick.
Ranger.
Ranger would have been out of this cell by now and probably eating a pizza. If he ate pizza. Which he didn't. Ranger ate healthy stuff, like salads and granola. He probably would have eaten the hardtack that was sitting on the floor of my cell.
Another one of Sparrow's stupid jokes.
And then I had an idea. I picked up the hardtack and began banging it against the door. The way I figured it, the hardtack was much harder than the lock. Or the steel bars.
"Girl, that ain't gonna get you anywhere."
I looked up.
Anamaria was grinning at me and holding up an apple. "I brought ye some real food."
I eyed the apple doubtfully. "Pork chops are real food. That's a snack."
"Aye. Pork chops." She handed me the apple. "Been a while since I had pork chops."
"My mother makes great pork chops. And she usually makes chocolate cake for dessert. You don't miss pork chop night in my house." I took a bite of the apple and sighed. "Are you getting me out of here or what?"
"Ain't got the key."
"So? You're a pirate. A cheap lock like this shouldn't be a problem for you."
Her grin became even more devilish. "In truth, s'not. S'Jack, o' course. I could do 'er in me sleep."
"Like I said, so?"
"So Jack." She gave me a pointed stare. "We've got another coupl'a hours before he takes the helm."
"I thought he took it already, if you're here."
"I'm on a break. Can't very well pee over the railing like the boys, can I?"
"No kidding."
"I wish. Bloody buggers, whippin' out their willies an' whizzin' right in front of me. Enough to put me off men fer the rest o' me life." Ana shot me a warning stare. "Tha's a professional secret, mind. When I'm up there, nothin' bothers me, got it?"
"Absolutely." And she wanted me to be a pirate?
"Can I bring ye anythin' else?"
"Lock pick?"
She held up a slender piece of metal. "Ye didn't get this from me. Anyone asks me, official line is ye did this on yer own."
"Got it."
"Just stay out o' Jack's sight when ye get out."
"In this dress?!"
"'Course not. I left ye a change o' clothes by the stairs. See ya in a bit, Plum."
She turned and headed towards the stairs. "Wait."
"What?"
"What if I can't pick this by myself?"
"Come on, Plum. It's a piece o' chocolate cake. I can do it drunk." With that, she disappeared up the stairs.
Well, if Anamaria could do it drunk and it was a piece of chocolate cake...
I was never getting out of here.
**************************
Sometimes I surprise even myself.
It took maybe half an hour and a broken nail, but the lock clicked and the door swung open. Somewhere, Ranger was saying 'way to go, babe.' I made my way to the stairs and found the bundle of clothes Anamaria left.
Things were starting to look up.
At least they were, until I realized that I was tightly laced into the stupid dress. I tried to reach the knot, but it was in that place, right up there between my shoulders, where there was no way in hell I was ever going to reach it. And believe me, I tried.
I laid on the floor and tried.
I stood up and tried.
I was on the floor again, on my stomach, sweating like a pig, probably grunting like a pig, too, straining to get the damned dress untied when I was interrupted by laughter.
Sparrow, of course.
"Well," he said, crouching next to me and rolling me on to my back. "This is interesting."
I bluffed. "You didn't think that flimsy lock could hold me, did you?"
"The great badass bounty hunter of New Jersey? Nah. But it did keep ye busy all afternoon." He reached past me and lifted up the bundle of clothes Anamaria left me. "And where did these come from, love?"
"Didn't you send them for me?" I really didn't want Anamaria to get in trouble. "That was awfully sweet of you, Jack."
"Ah, so it's Jack, now, is it?"
I started to sit up, but he pushed me back down and pinned my wrists with one hand and the rest of me with his body. "Hey!"
"Where we ye going, love? Didn't ye learn your lesson about wanderin' around the ship?"
"I had pants this time!"
"Pants?"
What was the word they used for pants in 1689? "Breeches. I can kick ass in breeches, but I can't kick ass in ten tons of frou-frou."
Sparrow, of course, found this funny. "I had ye bound an' slung over me shoulder in ten seconds flat, my girl. And my ass survived the experience with nary a mark."
"That wasn't a fair fight. I took down that big buy on the other boat."
"Ye hit him in the face with a gun. Was that a fair fight?"
Now I was screwed. If I said yes, he'd tell me what he did was fair. If I said no... What would Ranger say? No. What would Lula say? "Isn't it time for dinner yet?"
"I let ye change the subject once already, love."
Damn, I didn't think he noticed it. Sparrow was really good. He'd gotten me on my eye-rolling and now my subject-changing. But he did like it when I called him Jack, so... "Oh, but Jack, I've been stuck down here all day with nothing to eat."
"Ana didn't bring ye a little somethin' from the galley when she brought ye the lock pick?"
"Ana wasn't here."
"'Course she was."
"Okay, alright. Jeez. She brought me an apple. But I had the lock pick."
"And ye had it hidden where, love?"
"My boot." Which is where I stashed it after I got out of the cell, since the stupid dress, despite being made out of ten tons of frou-frou, didn't have a single pocket.
"Left or right?"
"Right."
And just as it dawned on me why he was asking, his free hand snaked into my boot and plucked out the pick. Before I could call him any number of choice names that came to mind, he had me back in the cell. He slammed the door shut and winked at me. "Don't fret, love. I'm sure Ana will let ye out later."
I could hear Ranger now, that tone, somewhere between disappointment and amusement.
Babe.