Thanks everybody for the reviews--you make me feel loved! And for those of you that are wondering, the EU is the Expanded Universe--essentially anything that isn't a movie. Which includes all of the lovely and fantastic Boba Fett comic books and novels that I based this story off of.

CHAPTER 9: A BOUNTY HUNTER'S JOURNEY THROUGH THE DARK

When the nine bounty hunters finally reached Kessel, however, they found a massive door barring their entrance to the mines. "When did that get here?" Bossk asked, a clawed finger scratching his head.

"The Flanneled One must have installed it," IG-88 said wisely.

"Huh," Greedo said in amazement. "Guess they are hiding something here. Now how are we going to open it?"

"Blast it, you idiot," Kast said, rolling his eyes.

Fett shook his helmeted head. "For now, we have the element of surprise. Let's keep it that way."

4-LOM and Boussh had stepped forward and were examining the door curiously. There was a security pad beside the door, with a speaker for receiving audio messages. There was an instruction plaque on the wall beside it. "Quioto, quioto!"

"Yes, Boussh, those are strange markings. But what do they say?" 4-LOM looked at the other hunters expectantly.

Bossk snarled. "Don't look at me. You're the protocol droid."

"No, I am the Jedi. And I regret to say that I am not familiar with this particular language."

IG-88 made a noise that might have been a sigh, if it had had lungs. "They say, 'The Gates of Kessel. Which side of a bantha has the most fur?'"

The other bounty hunters stared at the assassin droid. "What do you suppose that means?" 4-LOM said after a moment.

"Obviously," IG-88 answered, "it is a hint as to what the proper password is. If you know anything about spice mining, and about banthas, then you simply speak the password and the door will open." It raised its metallic arms as if entreating the door. "GLITTERSTEM!"

Nothing happened.

"Uh, what was that?" Kast asked in disgust.

IG-88 swiveled its head, then tried again. "RYLL!"

Hours later. . . .

"YLESIA!"

The other bounty hunters sat around a small lake beside the gates, waiting. . . . Patiently. . . .

"RYLOTH!"

. . . Patiently. . . .

Bossk stood up in frustration and started throwing rocks into the pond. Fett grabbed his arm immediately. "Do not disturb the waters."

"SEVARCOS!"

"Quioto?" Boussh asked, and 4-LOM nodded furiously.

"IG-88, Boussh wants to know what you are going to do."

The assassin droid whirled around in fury. "Rip off your helmet and beat your naked head against the door, and if that does not work, at least we will all have some quiet!"

"Quioto," Boussh whimpered dejectedly.

"MON GAZZA!"

Now Greedo was crying profusely. "But do I really have to let my myrmon farm go?"

Fett patted him on the back, trying not to sound as disgusted as he was feeling. "They'll find their way home."

"But they're myrmons! And very small ones." He sniffled, opening up the container and letting them crawl onto the ground. "Poor little myrmons. . . ."

"Don't worry," Fett said. "They are surer of finding their way home in a blind night than the nexu of Queen Amidala."

"KESSENDRA!"

Fett couldn't stand it any longer. He had been hoping they would figure it out on their own, but obviously that wasn't going to happen. Idiots. . . .

"JABBA!" IG-88 was growing desperate for the first time in its short life. "MELLLLL-OHHHHNNNN!"

"It's a riddle," Fett said in disgust. The others looked at him in surprise. "Come on. 'Which side of a bantha has the most fur?' Don't you know anything about riddles?"

Obviously they didn't, from the way they were staring at him. IG-88 made a gesture that might have been a nod of satisfaction. "The OUT-SIDE," it said, in a long, drawn out sound.

The gates creaked open. "It's about time," Dengar said, and the bounty hunters began to stride into the darkened corridor of the mine. That is, until they heard a shriek of terror.

Fett whirled around to see a massive, 20 meter Opee Sea Killer rise up out of the lake and grab Kast's ankle with its long, prehensile tongue. The armor-clad bounty hunter began to be drug closer and closer to the Opee's teeth.

The DVD! Fett thought frantically, and raced into action, followed shortly by Bossk. He whipped out his EE-3 and blasted the Opee's tongue, disintegrating it in two. Kast, still shrieking, fell through the air. Unfortunately for him, no one bothered to catch him, and he plopped into the lake. Bossk reached in and drug him out by his collar, and both he and Fett ran towards the open gate. "DEEEEEHHHHHHNNN-GAAAAAARRR!!!!!!!" Bossk bellowed.

The Opee chased after them in bestial rage, and Dengar shot at it, buying the other two hunters enough time to escape. As soon as they reached the gate, all nine bounty hunters raced into the mines. The gate collapsed behind them, blocking out all light.

In a moment, IG-88 turned on the handy flashlight that was jutting out of his chest (it was just below the DVD player). "We now have but one choice," it said. "To find another way out of here."

"Of course," Kast said nervously, "you've been here before. . . haven't you?" IG-88 nodded, and Kast sighed in relief. With the assassin droid leading the way, the nine bounty hunters tramped through the dark tunnels.

That is, until they reached an unexpected fork in the path. IG-88 stopped abruptly. "My memory banks hold no record of this place."

Hours later. . . .

"Quioto?"

"Are we lost?" 4-LOM echoed. "No."

"Quioto."

"Shh!" the droid scolded the Ubese. "IG-88 is attempting to recover the missing data from its memory banks."

"Quioto?"

"What?" the droid asked in exasperation.

"Quioto."

"You are hungry?" 4-LOM said angrily. "You do not even use the Force!"

Thoroughly disgusted with everyone (all of the other bounty hunters were incompetent), Kast paced about the small chamber. The smell of spice was heavy in the air, and Kast made sure to leave the filters in his helmet off. Suddenly, something moved in the darkness. At first he thought it was merely a hallucination caused by the massive amounts of spice he had been purposefully inhaling, but then he realized that it couldn't possibly be, since he could never get intoxicated in any way. Kast jumped back in alarm, then raced up to the nearest bounty hunter who had slightest bit of capability. "There's something out there!"

"It is the Fanboy," IG-88 explained. "He has been following us for three days."

The Deranged Fanboy crept up to the edge of their camp, blinking its large, teary eyes. "Epissode III, my Preciousss. . . ." it hissed. "Nassty Mandaloriansss stealsss it from usss."

"It's a pity Fett didn't kill it when he had the chance," Kast said, squirming away from the Fanboy. "Think of the time and money we could have saved."

"Money?" IG-88 echoed. "Money is what stayed Fett's hand. After all, Cradossk has promised to reward us all greatly."

"The Fanboy!" Fett exclaimed, seeing it, and leapt to his feet. "What's it doing here?"

"Boba Fett!" the Fanboy squealed. "Bearer of the amazingly awessssome jetpack!"

Fett turned around and shot Dengar a death glare. "Would you like to explain yourself?"

"Well," the cyborg said slowly, looking down at the ground in shame. "I took it to my $@*$ guild, like you told me. And I locked it up real tight. . . . But it just looked so sad, locked up all day, all alone, and the poor little *&%@# kept crying to be let out. So I just loosened its chains a little bit, then took it outside for a *#$@ walk. . . ."

"Idiot," Fett muttered under his breath.

"JETPACK!" the Fanboy wailed again, and leapt onto Fett. "Mitrinomon Z-6!"

"No!" the Mandalorian shouted, trying to push the creature off him. "It's mine! My own!" Dengar beat the Fanboy over the head with his blaster cannon, and it ran off whimpering down the corridor.

"Close call," Kast said with a grin. "That thing could have aggravated the Fossil's arthritis, if you hadn't stopped it." The other bounty hunters stared at him blankly.

"Uh, why do you keep &#@$ calling him Fossil?" Dengar asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Because he's ancient," Kast answered, "duh. He's an old man who should have retired forty years ago."

Dengar blinked. "He's only thirty-four."

Kast squirmed under the eyes and optical sensors of eight other bounty hunters. "Uh. . . ."

Fett smacked Dengar. "Idiot! Of course I'm a fossil! After all, I was exiled from Concord Dawn well over thirty years ago."

"Oh," Dengar said slowly. "Oh. Aha. That's right. I must have forgotten." He winked at Fett, and the other rolled his eyes. Unfortunately, the expression was hidden behind the helmet and Dengar wasn't able to appreciate it. "Besides, if you want to keep calling him names, Kast, there are tons that are better. For starters, Sarlacc Food."

Fett's eye twitched.

"And then there's Bucket Head."

Fett's other eye began to twitch.

"And Nerf Herder."

Fett clenched his fists.

"And Idiot."

Kast watched in horror as Fett slowly got angrier and angrier.

"Bubba. . . .

"Shorty. . . .

"Twiggy. . . .

"Toothpick. . . .

"Runt. . . .

"And last but not least, $#*@&."

Luckily for Dengar, IG-88 chose that moment to speak up and distract Fett from taking out his wrath. "Aha!" IG-88 said, in a monotone that ruined the entire effect of the interjection.

"It has recovered the missing data!" 4-LOM cried in elation. "It has repaired its memory banks!"

"The oxygen-nitrogen-carbon dioxide-argon-hydrogen-helium-neon-spice laden atmosphere does not smell so foul down here," IG-88 said as it began to lead the bounty hunters down the correct hallway. "When in doubt, 4-LOM, always follow your olfactory sensors."