CHAPTER 10: THE BRIDGE OF IG-88'S DOOM

Ahead of them in the corridor, the bounty hunters could see a small room, probably where the miners had lunch. Zuckuss darted ahead, too quickly for the others to stop him.

"No!" he wailed, beating his insectoid head upon the carbonite slab that rested before him. "No-o-o. . . ." Bossk sighed and rubbed the Gand's back. "He was my brother, you know. In my past life."

"Did he just—" Kast started, and Fett nodded.

"He has multiple personalities. Did you really expect all of them to speak in the third-person?"

IG-88 handed its blaster rifle to Boussh and lifted a data pad off the carbonite slab. It pressed a button on the data pad, and a video of a distraught miner appeared. "They have cut off the north passage," the miner was saying frantically. "The Opee Sea Killer In the Water took two of us yesterday, and five disappeared the day before. The south passage is collapsed. . . ."

Terrified by the narrative, Boussh backed further and further away from the data pad, until he was pressed against a narrow spice chute. Obviously the miners had used it for raising and lowering their harvest, as a bucket was propped up on its edge. He gripped the blaster rifle fearfully.

". . . every day they grow closer to breaking down the door. There is a sort of Endor-like drumming. . . . Drums in the deep. . . . We cannot get out. . . ." His voice trailed off as the data pad's screen fizzled and went dead.

IG-88 fixed its optical sensors on the other bounty hunters. "They are coming."

"Quioto!" Boussh cried in alarm, and jumped. His armored elbow hit the bucket and sent it spinning down the spice chute, followed by the chain it was tied to. . . and the pulley the chain was on . . . and the mechanism that held the pulley. . . and a large hunk of plaster. . . and a couple rocks. . . three data pads. . . a pile of glitterstem. . . two bottles of spice beer. . . a dismantled protocol droid's silver head. . . the droid's arm. . . its other arm. . . its legs. . . its optical sensors. . . a complete set of Star Wars Tales comics. . . a copy of the Shadows of the Empire: Bounty Hunters Pop-Up Book. . . that spiffy first-edition Boba Fett action figure with a plastic missile launcher that blinds children under the age of thirteen. . . a 3D toothpicks and marshmallow model of the DNA double-helix. . . a used handkerchief. . . a purple spork. . . an entire kitchenette. . . and a dead womp rat. Finally there was silence.

IG-88 threw down the data pad. "Fool of an Ubese! Throw yourself in next time, and rid us of your stupidity!"

"Quioto," Boussh whimpered, and reluctantly handed the assassin droid the blaster rifle.

Suddenly, there came a sound from deep within the spice shoot. A sound like that of the drums of Endor. "Mr. Jodo," Greedo cried, "it's the Ewoks, come back for revenge!"

"Nonsense," Kast said nervously. "They can't have followed us here. They don't have the technology."

"No," 4-LOM said. "From my Jedi training, I would recognize the sound of native Ewok drumming anywhere."

The pitter-patter of furry little feet echoed down the hallways, and Bossk raced to close the door. He leaned against it in terror, looking at the other bounty hunters. "They have a Cave Rancor™."

"Let them come," Zuckuss cried valiantly, jumping atop the carbonite slab and wielding his methane tubes bravely. "There is one miner left in Kessel who still draws breath!"

Fortunately for the Gand, the door didn't hold for long. Under the strain of arrows, slingshots, battering rams, and primitive stone axes, it burst open. Hundreds of rabid Ewoks flooded into the room.

4-LOM and Boussh squealed in alarm. They tried to run away, but Dengar grabbed their arms and hurled them towards the Ewoks, where they had no choice but to fight for their lives. With the help of Bossk, IG-88, Dengar, and Zuckuss, Fett disintegrated Ewoks by the dozens, wads of bloody fur flying in all directions.

But there was one foe greater than any Ewok—the dreaded Cave Rancor™!

"Aiiieeee!!!!!" Kast screamed, running away to hide. Greedo grabbed a pan that had escaped being thrown down the spice chute with the rest of the kitchenette. He valiantly tried to beat the Rancor™ into submission, but unfortunately, he could only reach its knee.

Kast ducked behind a column, gasping for breath. Within moments, though. . . . "ROOOOOAAAAARRRR!!!!!!" The Cave Rancor™ had the brains to look behind the column! Kast was so frightened that he fell over backwards and began to scramble across the floor like a crab. The thought didn't even occur to him that this wasn't the fastest mode of transportation, and soon he found himself backed up against a wall.

"FEEEEHHHHHHHHHHH--EEEEEHHHHHHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he shrieked.

The DVD! Fett thought in alarm, and came to its rescue. Racing towards the Cave Rancor™, he reached behind him and pulled a spiffy electromagnetic pitchfork from his back. He'd been using it since 1977, but this was the first time it would be seen in a medium other than a cartoon special. Without delay, he hit the power switch and began to electrocute the monster.

Unfortunately, the Cave Rancor™ was very thick skinned, and it didn't feel a thing. With a wave of its claw, it struck Fett and sent him flying into a wall.

"Fett!" Kast shouted frantically, shaking the other bounty hunter. "Fett, wake up and protect me! PLEASE!" He let go of the other man's armor and stepped back, realizing it was no use. "What's with you Fetts?" he cried in dismay. "You always seem to get hit in the head at the worst possible time!"

With a growl of sadistic pleasure, the Cave Rancor™ ripped the pitchfork out of Fett's limp arms and turned it on Kast.

"Somebody help—!" The pitchfork's electrical blast hit him square in the chest. "Me-ee-ee-eee-eee-eee. . . !"

Its task completed, the Cave Rancor™ turned around to finish the other bounty hunters. Suddenly thinking he was super-agile again, Dengar leapt up onto its back and began to blast it in the head. Then Boussh fell on it in much the same way. At that moment, lucky for Boussh, the computer animator had a massive heart attack and died. The CG Cave Rancor™ was no more.

Fett chose this time to conveniently wake up and find Kast lying dead on the floor.

"Mr. Jodo!" Greedo wailed in misery, and raced forward. Much to his surprise, Kast sat up coughing. The other bounty hunters sighed in disappointment. "That pitchfork should have electrocuted a wild dewback," Fett said in annoyance. "As soon as this mission's over, I'm going to find the idiot that sold it to me. . . ."

"Mandalorian armor!" Zuckuss said in awe, apparently noticing Kast's raiment for the first time.

IG-88 nodded its cylindrical head solemnly. "I think you will find that there is more to this bounty hunter than meets the optical sensor."

Hearing the sounds of more Ewoks racing down the corridors, the nine bounty hunters hurried out the opposite side of the room. Greedo stopped suddenly, forcing the other bounty hunters to wait for him. "Now there's an eye-opener," he said.

"You idiot," Kast cried, "we've got to get moving--!"

But it was too late. The bounty hunters were surrounded on all sides by hundreds of rabid Ewoks.

Suddenly, the Ewoks turned and ran. A strange, red and black checkered light was shining down the corridor from another room. "What is this new devilry?" Bossk asked in fear.

"Ai, ai," Zuckuss wailed, "the Flanneled One! The Great Flanneled One is come!"

Dengar looked at the Gand in fury. "That's my %#$@* line!"

"This foe is beyond any of you," IG-88 said. For a moment, Kast thought the assassin droid was going to offer a solution. Unfortunately, he was wrong. "RUN!"

They raced down the corridor, trying to escape the monstrous creature of flanneled flames that pursued them. Since he was more important than anyone else, Bossk made sure he was in the lead. However, he began to see the flaw in this plan as he ran out of walkway and almost plummetted into a huge cavern, hundreds of feet deep. Luckily, Dengar grabbed him at the last moment and pulled him to safety. Fett sighed in disappointment. Idiot.

IG-88 looked around for a way to escape. "To the Bridge of IG-88's Doom!" he ordered.

Everyone stared at him. "The bridge of what?" Bossk asked.

"I regret to say," IG-88 vocalized, "that I have just accidentally ruined the surprise. Sorry."

The other bounty hunters turned to run, but Fett, feeling a tinge of duty and honor, stayed at IG-88's side, brandishing his blaster rifle. "Go!" the assassin droid commanded. "Blasters are of no more use here!"

Within moments, the nine bounty hunters were racing down a wide set of stairs, built over the same massive cavern. This fact became painfully obvious as the bridge began to crumble before them, leaving a large gap in the steps. Ever the agile one, Dengar pranced across the gap with no problem, followed shortly by Bossk and IG-88. Fett, however, found himself trapped on the other side with the five remaining bounty hunters—much to his dismay. Just to get them away from him, he hurled Greedo, Boussh and 4-LOM over the gap within seconds. He turned to grab Zuckuss, but was met with the madly whirling eyes of a crazed insect.

"Nobody tosses a GAND!" he proclaimed, his voice suddenly going very deep. He leaped across the chasm, and of course, he didn't make it. Dengar barely caught him in time. "NOT THE METHANE TUBES!" Fett and Kast, always smarter than the other bounty hunters (at least Kast, anyway) rocketed over with their jetpacks.

Soon the nine bounty hunters were running single-file across a narrow bridge. Beneath them, there was a massive pit, infinitely deep. Within that pit lay. . . .

"THE ALMIGHTY SARLACC!" the Flanneled One roared, stepping onto the bridge. The bounty hunters stopped in surprise, pausing at the other end of the bridge. Much to their amazement, the Flanneled One couldn't even pronounce the names that he himself had supposedly invented.

"AFRAID, ARE WE?" the monstrous, black and red checkered figure asked. "IS NO ONE BRAVE ENOUGH TO FACE ME?"

"Somebody go," Kast said, looking at the others in disgust. "You bunch of cowards."

The Great Flanneled One pranced about the bridge, checkered flames spurting from his back. He was forty-feet tall, mean, completely covered with flannel, and sick of Boba Fett's fanboys and fangirls. He was ready to put a stop to this nonsense, once and for all! "RED ROVER, RED ROVER," he chanted menacingly, "WE DARE BOBA OVER!"

Fett felt his knees shaking, and he ordered them to be still. "Why should I?" he asked, glaring as hard as he could.

"OH, IS THE BEST BOUNTY HUNTER IN THE GALAXY AFRAID OF A LITTLE SARLACC?"

"No, but I have a strong distaste for flannel."

The Great Flanneled One laughed. "I BET YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO LIVE FOREVER, DON'T YOU?" Fett nodded. "WELL, YOU'RE WRONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG!"

"Really."

"AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD! YOU NEVER MADE IT OUT OF THE SARLACC! AT THIS MOMENT, IT'S STILL DIGESTING YOU! DEAD!"

Fett shook his head, unimpressed. "Thanks to some innovative comic book writers, I made a full recovery."

Incensed, the Flanneled One spurted even more flames from his back. This time, they were green and black with fury. "I CREATED YOU! I BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS WORLD, AND I CAN TAKE YOU OUT, NO MATTER WHAT YOUR FANCLUB SAYS! YOU'RE MINE! MY OWN!"

"Doubtful," Fett said stoically. "You? Come up with this spiffy suit of armor? No. It was probably Ralph McQuarrie. And that Oriental-looking fellow."

The Flanneled One chuckled evilly. "CRADOSSK NEVER TOLD YOU WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FATHER."

Fett sighed in annoyance. As a matter of fact, he was so annoyed that he forgot to deny everything for once. "He didn't need to. I was there. You made that Windu character kill him."

"NO. I AM YOUR FATHER! BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NOW GIVE ME THE DVD!"

The Mandalorian-clad bounty hunter rolled his eyes. "Could you at least use some creativity?"

"HERE'S CREATIVITY! IF YOU WATCH MY DVD, YOU'LL FIND THAT IN EPISODE III, YOU FALL INTO A LAVA PIT AND BECOME HORRIBLY SCARRED AND DISFIGURED FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! YOU'RE GOING TO BE UGLY! UGLY UGLY UGLY!"

Fett scarcely blinked at the threat. "They did it to me in Tales, and I survived. Been there, done that. Besides, my fangirls will always love me."

The Flanneled One was starting to get desperate. "BOBA. . . . I'LL GIVE YOU A COOKIE IF YOU COME HERE. . . ."

The bounty hunter sighed in boredom.

"YOUR MOTHER FIGURE'S SO FAT—"

Fett's eyes went wide. "What did you say?"

"OOH, FOUND A WEAKNESS, HAVE I? THAT UGLY MONSTER CAPTURED YOUR LOVE, EH?

"She is not a—"

"ALL BOUNTY HUNTERS ARE UGLY MONSTERS. INCLUDING. . . SINTAS."

Fett laughed at the mention of the name. "Nice try." He turned around, gesturing at the other bounty hunters to start leaving. "You almost had me for a minute."

It was time for the last resort. From his great checkered pocket, the Flanneled One pulled a thick booklet of paper. "YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS, BOBA?"

"It's BOE-buh," Fett said in disgust, "not BOB-uh. Now what is it?"

"IT'S AN EPISODE III SCRIPT, AND I THINK IT'S CALLING FOR A LITTLE ROMANCE. EVEN A WEDDING." He pulled out a pencil. Curiously, it was covered in flannel. "LET'S SEE. SCENE 20, BOBA FALLS IN LOVE WITH JABBA'S DANCING GIRL—"

Fett finally snapped. He raced forward, intent on snatching the pencil from the Flanneled One's hand. Tentacles snapped up out of the pit, reaching towards him. One wrapped itself around his jetpack, trying to pull him off the bridge, and he fought against it. Reaching down, he pulled the utility knife from his pocket and sliced at it. The tentacle slithered away, and Fett hurried onwards—

"HER WHITE AND PINK SPECKLED HANDS REACHING UP TOWARDS HIM," the Flanneled One read aloud, "SHE BEGINS TO UNBUCKLE HIS ARMOR. RYSTALL: OH, BO, WHAT A NICE CHEST. . . . SHE REMOVES HIS HELMET. RYSTALL: I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER. HER HANDS MOVE TOWARDS HIS CODPIECE—"

Seeing Fett only a few meters away, the Flanneled One laughed in victory. He quickly scribbled something down in the script, then lifted his hand to reveal that the pencil had turned into a flannel-colored lightsaber. "COME TO DADDY. . . ."

Dengar leapt forward and grabbed onto Fett's leg, sending him falling face first. The cyborg pinned Fett's arms behind his back, holding him in place. "Noooooooooooooo!!!!" Fett shouted in horror. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion, as tentacles whipped towards them. The Flanneled One swung his red and black lightsaber through the air—

"Cease your movement," a mechanical voice said bravely.

"WHAT?" the Flanneled One cried in surprise as IG-88 stepped between him and his prey. "DO YOU THINK YOU CAN STOP ME?"

Dengar, thanking the Empire for giving him his super strength, drug Fett back to the other side of the bridge. "I am a servant of no one," IG-88 said, "wielder of the flame torch of Alderaan. . . . You cannot pass!"

The Flanneled One laughed nervously.

"Go back to Skywalker Ranch! The dark scriptwriting will not avail you!"

The Flanneled One stepped forward, furiously scribbling in his script. Unfortunately for him, he was having a hard time figuring out how to fit IG-88 into Episode III's storyline.

"You! Shall not! PASS!" IG-88 cried, beating the butt of its blaster rifle upon the bridge. The Flanneled One stepped forward to destroy the droid. But before he could take three steps, the bridge crumbled beneath him. He fell into the Sarlacc, screaming like a little girl.

IG-88 turned to face the other bounty hunters, blinking its oral sensors in what might have been a smile of relief. But just then, a whip of flannel and flame came flying up out of the Sarlacc. It wrapped itself around IG-88's metal leg and drug it to the edge of the bridge.

Fett tried to run forward, but Dengar was still holding him back. It's got my Harry Potter DVD, Kast remembered in horror. That stupid droid's still got my Harry Potter DVD!

IG-88 hung on the ledge by only a few fingers. It looked at the bounty hunters morosely. "Fly, you fools!" And then it let go.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Kast wailed in agony. "HAAAAARRRRRYYYYY!!!!!!!!!" Before he could run forward and leap into the Sarlacc after the assassin droid, Bossk grabbed him around the middle and began to carry him off. Ewoks appeared on the other side of the bridge and began to throw rotten fruit at them with wooden catapaults, and the bounty hunters turned tail and ran out the door.

Fett stood in place, still in shock. Everything seemed to be going in slow motion. So slow that he could simply dodge anything the Ewoks threw at him without the slightest bit of trouble. I. . . almost. . . married. . . Rystall. . . .

"Boooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh—bbbbbbbbuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Bossk called, his voice sounding extraordinarily deep. His thoughts racing, Fett turned and fled from the mines.