DISCLAIMER: I'm allowed to make comments about Viggo Mortensen's teeth (which are the cutest in the world) because I am his biggest fangirl in the world—or maybe his second biggest—oh, okay, I'm probably number 35 if you don't count the ones who are stalkers—but I'm one of his biggest fangirls in the world, and that makes it okay. Savvy?

CHAPTER 11: EXECUTOR

Greedo collapsed to the ground and covered his face. First they were chased by Ewoks, then they were chased by more Ewoks, and then IG-88 fell into a Sarlacc, and then there were more Ewoks—! The humanity!

Fett paced about, trying to regain his senses, as he surveyed what remained of the team. Bossk was trying desperately to hold back Zuckuss, who was trying to return to the Mines. Boussh was lying on the ground, sobbing, while 4-LOM tried to comfort him. Dengar was staring about in confusion, his bright blue eyes wide and teary, as he tried to comprehend emotions of sorrow that had long ago been burnt from his brain.

Fett grabbed Greedo by the collar, shook him, and pulled him up. "On your feet, Rodian." Greedo sniffled.

Bossk looked at him in anger, flashing his teeth. "Give them a moment, for pity's sake!"

Fett shook his head. "In minutes, this planet is going to be swarming with Ewoks. We have no choice but to get offworld as soon as possible." He started to call the Slave 1, then realized that someone was missing. "Kast?" he called in alarm, worried about the DVD's safety. "Kast, where are you?"

Kast was walking away, and he slowly stopped and turned around as he heard his name. He was holding his helmet in his hands, and his dirty blonde hair was matted with sweat. "Harry," he whimpered softly, looking directly at Fett, and a single tear trickled from his brilliant blue eyes and down his perfect face.

And all the fangirls wept with him.

***

"Concord Dawn," Fett whispered in awe as the Slave 1 approached his ancestral home. The other bounty hunters crowded in around him to see. Inside his helmet, Fett grinned joyfully, a very rare occurrence. If they had been able to see it, the other bounty hunters would have noted that Fett had much straighter teeth than Viggo Mortensen.

"Why are we here?" Bossk asked in disgust. "What possible interest could we have in a planet with such a ridiculously peaceful name?"

"Because we—" Fett started, but then the controls on his ship started going haywire. Before their eyes, a massive Super Star Destroyer burst out of hyperspace. Fett's fingers danced over the console, but it was too late. Blue light surrounded them as they were caught in a tractor beam.

"What are you doing?" Kast exclaimed in a panic. "Don't you have some fancy gizmo that can get us out of this mess?"

Fett scowled. "For the purpose of this fanfiction, no, I don't." He stood up and began producing weapons from various compartments around the ship. "All we can do is fight for our lives and hope for the best."

Zuckuss looked at 4-LOM and Boussh, shaking his head. "They say a powerful Force-wizard lives here. All who look upon him fall under his spell. But no worry. I have the eyes of a Talz and the ears of a Sullustan—"

"Open the hatch," a familiar voice called from outside, "or we'll be forced to cut through it. We both know that's the last thing you want, Fett."

Fett grumbled and opened the hatch, holding his blaster rifle at the ready. "Admiral Piett," he said in disgust.

"I thought I might find you here," Piett said, and gestured for the bounty hunters to leave the ship. They followed him through the Executor, looking around suspiciously. "Lord Vader wants to see you immediately."

"Hijacking my ship is not the usual way of hiring me," Fett said gruffly.

"I don't want you here, either." Piett snorted, shaking his head. "Bounty hunters! We don't need that scum."

Immediately a change came over Zuckuss, and his eyes whirled in fury. "And you know what this Gand says to that?" What followed was such a horrible stream of Gandish cursing that I can't even repeat it here.

Fett smacked Zuckuss in embarrassment. "That was not so courteous. Always be polite to a client."

"Jango's *$#@% code?" Dengar asked, smiling.

Fett glared. "Jango? Who's that?"

"Sorry."

Within a few minutes, the bounty hunters found themselves standing on a familiar bridge as the very Lord of Darkness himself walked towards them. "Where is IG-88?" he asked in a dark voice. "For I much desire to speak to him. . . ." He studied each of the bounty hunters in turn. Kast let out a sob, remembering his dearly departed Harry. "I see. He has fallen into a Sarlacc."

He clenched his fists. "The quest stands upon the edge of a lightsaber. Make but a simple idiotic mistake like you usually do, and it will fail, to the ruin of all. Therefore, you should give me the DVD right now."

Fett nearly jumped in surprise. "What do you mean, Lord Vader?" he asked, trying to sound respectful.

Vader clenched his fist again, and Fett gasped. "You know exactly what I mean."

Fett tried to answer, but all that came out was, "Uhhnnn. . . ."

"Uh, Fett?" Dengar asked, seeing the Mandalorian struggle to breathe. "You need some help, buddy?"

"Uhhnnn. . . ."

"Because if you do, all you need to do is ask. I'm here for you."

"Uhhnnn. . . ."

Dengar smiled. "That's what friends are for."

"Enough of this foolishness!" Vader snarled, and unclenched his fist. Fett gasped in relief. "So much trouble could be avoided if you would simply hand me the DVD right now—"

"Lord Vader," Fett said carefully, so as not to lose his air supply once more, "I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about."

"I see," Vader said. "I have to do things the hard way." He looked at the bounty hunters one by one and waved his hand. "You feel like dancing."

"What?" Bossk asked in surprise.

"You want to dance," the Dark Lord repeated, "the Lizard dance, and you want to do it all around the bridge. . . ."

"Can't . . . resist. . . ." Kast said, groaning and writhing.

4-LOM started to move around somewhat jerkily. "Limbs . . . not . . . responding. . . ."

"But I can't do the lizard dance now," Bossk protested weakly, "not without the old songs of my spawn-fathers!"

Dengar seemed to be enjoying it, and he pranced about the room. "La, la la, la la!"

The Dark Lord would have laughed, but he never laughed.

Fett gripped the railing, falling to his knees and holding it tightly. "No," he said firmly, struggling against the strange urges, "I won't be controlled by you. . . ."

"I think you will," Vader said, and focused his mind directly on the last of the Mandalorians.

"Noooooo!!!!!!" Fett cried out in anguish. The rest of the bounty hunters had given in by now, and were dancing gaily about the room, but he would not allow himself to do so. He was strong; he had the strongest will in the galaxy. He would not be blackmailed by a former Jedi. The worse things are, his father said, the calmer you need to be. Fett took a deep breath and concentrated on happy things. Scorched Sarlacc. . . . Rystall in the Rancor pit, begging for mercy. . . . Mace Windu's head being disintegrated. . . .

Vader looked at Fett and nodded. "I see. You are stronger than I expected, Fett. Very well. You have earned respect." Immediately, the other bounty hunters stopped dancing, gasping for air. That is, all except for Dengar, who continue singing and frolicking. The others tried their best to ignore him.

"Tonight," Vader said, "you will rest. That is, all except for Kast."

***

Kast was herded into a small room, the kind used for torture. He huddled in the corner, terrified, as Vader followed him in and closed the door behind them. Much to Kast's surprise, Vader began to work at the clasps on his helmet, slowly taking it off.

Kast stared.

Vader held out the helmet. "Will you look into my helmet?"

Like all successful bounty hunters (though he was the only one, of course), Kast was suspicious. "What will I see?" As soon as he spoke the words, he realized how British they sounded. Harry would be proud.

"The helmet shows many things, Jodo Kast. Things that were. Things that are. And some things that have not yet come to pass."

The future! Kast thought giddily. I can see what happens in Harry Potter Book Six! He greedily grabbed the helmet away from the Dark Lord and stared into its murky blackness.

But much to his surprise, Kast saw neither Harry nor Ron nor Hermione. Bother! Instead, he saw the faces of his companions flashing before him. Greedo was crying, and Dengar's face was filled with despair. Endor was burning, and Ewoks were running this way and that, their fur caught on fire.

Then he saw some kind of ranch, surrounded by many guards. It was cloaked in shadow. In the vision, Kast seemed to fly faster and faster, right into a great throne room in which sat a monstrous figure of flannel and flame. It laughed as it clutched a worn pile of comic books in its hands.

At its feet lay a miserable, beaten figure, chained to the floor hands and feet.

"BUAHAHAHA," the Flanneled One laughed evilly, "I'VE FINALLY WON. I'VE REWRITTEN EVERY COMIC BOOK, EVERY SHORT STORY, EVERY NOVEL, AND EVEN THE HOLIDAY SPECIAL, AND I'VE FINALLY WON!" It waved the comic books in the defeated bounty hunter's face. "YOUR LEGACY IS RUINED! IT'S ALL GONE, ALL SHATTERED! IT'S ALL COME TO PIECES!"

"If you must die," Fett whispered weakly, barely able to lift his helmetless head, "do so with valor. . . ."

"VALOR? YOU CAN'T EVEN BEAT GREEDO! YOU'RE WORTHLESS! BUAHAHAHA!" It smiled in its revenge. "NOT EVEN YOUR FANGIRLS CAN LOVE YOU NOW."

The Flanneled One waved its flanneled hand, gesturing for its flannel-clad guards to come forward. "TAKE HIM AWAY. THROW HIM IN THE DEEPEST, DARKEST ROOM IN THE FILM VAULT, AND MELT THE KEY. AND LET US NEVER SPEAK OF HIM AGAIN. FROM NOW ON, BOSSK IS THE GREATEST BOUNTY HUNTER WHO EVER LIVED."

Suddenly the scene changed to a hallway outside the throne room. There was a video camera on the wall, covered in flannel, and it rotated to face Kast. I see you. . . !

The DVD came out of Kast's pocket, and he barely grabbed onto it before it could fly into the abyss of the helmet. "Arrrgghhh!!!!" he groaned, as he fought against it. Suddenly, the suction stopped, and Kast fell over backwards.

Gasping, Kast looked up at Vader. "Take it!" he cried, holding out the DVD. "I don't want it anymore! This is all just too darn freaky! Excuse me, I meant bloody frightening!"

Vader put back on his helmet. "So you give it to me freely." He seemed to grow darker, and then his image went negative. "In place of the Flanneled One you would have a Dark Lord! Powerful and treacherously deceitful! All shall fear me and despair!"

Kast shrunk back in terror. "Uh, maybe I shouldn't give it to you after all. . . ."

"With this DVD," Vader said, returning to normal, "I could control all Star Wars continuity forever. Return of the Jedi would have a drastically different ending, in which Luke and I destroyed the Emperor together and ruled the galaxy. Fett would be my loyal slave, licking my big black boots. Whenever I had a bad day, I would kick him!"

Kast shuddered, wondering what would happen to himself.

"Of course," Vader said after a moment, "it would never work. Only the Flanneled One himself has the power to change Star Wars history for the better—if he chooses to do so. In the hands of a character, less than omniscient, the DVD can do only harm." He clenched his gloved fists. "The DVD must be destroyed."

Well, duh! Kast wanted to say, but feared the Dark Lord's wrath.

"Very well then," Vader said to himself. "I will go to Skywalker Ranch and destroy it myself."

Kast raised his hand slowly. "Uh, Your Dark and Evilness, is that really feasible? I mean, are you capable of stealth?" He nearly squealed when Vader turned to look at him.

Vader considered it, using all his strength to keep his wrath under control. "You may be right, Kast. Perhaps I should send someone more . . . secretive. More surreptitious. More . . . furtive." Kast stuck out his chest proudly, smiling underneath his helmet. "Perhaps I should send . . . Fett."

Kast's eyes bugged out. "What? Fossil? You must be joking!"

****Sorry I'm so slow, but I've got school and activities and all. I've got a good start on Chapter 12, and also on another Fett fanfiction, which is an angst instead of a comedy, but things are slowing down and I should be able to churn them out faster now. Thanks for waiting!