CHAPTER 12: THE GREAT HOMEWORLD or CONCORD DAWN
The next day, Lord Vader was "kind" enough to supply the Fell—I mean, Brotherhood—no, Alliance is a better word. . . . I've got it! The "Extremely Temporary Partnership of Bounty Hunters"—there, that's better—with three small starfighters of their own.
He also gave each of them very special gifts.
To Bossk, he gave a very special wookiee-hide belt. To 4-LOM and Boussh, nice shiny blasters.
To Dengar, a magical blaster cannon made of an alloy only found on his homeworld of Corellia. Dengar's bright blue eyes lit up joyously, and fangirls the world over used Sound Recorder to document his delighted sighs and then set their computers' multi-purpose MP3 players on repeat. Of course, when their mothers walked into the room and heard his strong, R-rated language, they were all grounded for an indefinite amount of time. This goes to show you why you should be Fett's fangirl and not Dengar's. To put it simply: "Cursing," said Fett, "is immoral."
"To you, Jodo Kast," Vader said, "I give the power of the Dark Side. It will guide you by making all Light Sides seem to go out."
To Greedo, a rope ("What good's that going to do me?" he exclaimed in dismay, though Fett could think of several good things to do with it) and a box that definitely did not carry the traditional seasoning of Endor, but rather a special, radioactive, Dark Side Compost that would make any sort of hallucinogenic weed bloom more fragrantly than ever before.
"I have no gift to give you, Fett," Vader said solemnly, when the others weren't listening, "since you decided so long ago to declare yourself an Enemy of the Empire."
Fett rolled his eyes. "I don't want anything from you anyway."
Vader didn't seem to hear him. After all, Fett was a lesser life form. "That is, I have no greater gift to give than that which has already been given to you. The Lady Rystall—"
Fett gagged audibly, almost vomiting into his helmet. "We're leaving right now."
"What was your $@*# gift?" Dengar asked Zuckuss later, as they traveled away from the Executor. He and the Gand were sharing one of the three fighters.
Zuckuss's eyes grew soft and blurry, and he sighed, expelling large amounts of methane from his insectoid lungs. "I asked for a single hair from his lava-scarred head," he whispered. "And he gave me three."
Despite the romantic words, and the dreamy look in Dengar's eyes, the fangirls did not record this scene.
Finally they landed on Concord Dawn and began the long trek to their destination, though Fett refused to divulge the purpose of their journey to anyone else, though Dengar begged for hours. They stopped for the night, but Kast slept fitfully, dreaming of a helmetless Vader.
He awoke only once, when he heard Bossk and Fett arguing violently over where they would take the DVD next.
"I would not take the DVD within a hundred parsecs of your guild!" Fett said derisively.
The next morning, the bounty hunters set off on their journey again. Bossk seemed strangely quiet, as if startled by his nighttime conversation with the leader of the Partnership.
"Look," Fett whispered, shoving Kast roughly. Kast looked up to see two massive statues set into the landscape, each of a Mandalorian-clad figure. "Ah, the Mandalorians. Long have I desired to look upon the mercenaries of old. My kin. . . ." And indeed they were his kin, for these were Jango the Silver-Armored, and Jaster Mereel, the founder of the order. Tall like kings they were, with hard, piercing eyes, as they held their T-visored helmets at their sides. The other bounty hunters found themselves stricken dumb with awe.
***
Meanwhile, the Durges landed on the peaceful planet and leapt from their ships, racing forward to the steady, rhythmic beat of Saru—I mean, Count Dooku's—theme!
"RRRRROOOAAARRR!!!" the original Durge growled as he took the lead, already tasting Fett's wholesome Maori flesh between his jaws—
***
Unaware of the danger that approached them, the bounty hunters stopped and set up camp. A fierce argument arose between them. "Orbiting, swirling asteroid fields as far as the radar can see!" Zuckuss cried angrily when Fett told them their next destination.
Boussh's eyes went wide in terror. "Quioto," he whimpered softly.
"Like it or not," Fett said firmly, "that is our course. If you argue any further, I have the perfect way to solve the problem."
"What's that?" Greedo asked curiously.
Fett looked at him, astonished that the Rodian had to ask. "I'll shoot you."
4-LOM and Boussh were exchanging worried glances, and finally Greedo spoke up. "Where's Mr. Jodo?"
Fett's eyes wandered over in surprise to see Bossk's wookiee-hide belt lying abandoned against a tree. . . .
***
Kast was roaming through the forests of Concord Dawn restlessly, unable to calm the thoughts that ran screaming through his head. A DVD that everyone wanted but him, a bounty hunter that kept threatening to shoot him, a crazed Fanboy that followed them everywhere, and his precious Harry gone forever.
He curled up on the remains of another giant statue, hoping to sort out his thoughts.
"None of us should wander alone," a familiar voice said, "you least of all."
Kast looked up in alarm to see Bossk quickly approaching him, his arms full of ridiculously large branches that no one could hope to set on fire. Then again, there was always Fett's flame-thrower. . . . But that was the least of Kast's worries.
"Jodo," Bossk said, trying desperately to make his reptilian voice sound gentle, "I know the burden you carry. It is needless to suffer alone."
Kast, once again, was suspicious. "Are you asking me to give you the DVD?"
"Yes," Bossk said immediately.
"Well. . . ." Kast considered it carefully. "Yes. I mean, no. Definitely no."
Bossk threw down the firewood in fury. "I ask only for the strength to become rich and powerful!" He tried to calm himself. "If you would but lend me the DVD. . . ."
"No," Kast said, climbing off the statue and beginning to back away. "Can we talk about this later?"
Bossk suddenly rushed forward and jumped on top of him, pushing him to the ground. "It's mine! It should be mine! Give it to me!" Kast struggled to keep Bossk from undoing his cargo pockets, but it was no use. Soon the DVD case was in Bossk's hands, and the Trandoshan greedily tore it open. In his haste, though, the DVD popped out of the case, spinning into the air.
Jodo, the DVD whispered seductively, as it spun. Jodo. . . .
Without delay, Kast reached upwards and slid his finger through the hole in the DVD's center. As soon as it was through, the DVD began to spin even more rapidly, throwing off bands of brightly colored light in all directions and blinding the reptilian bounty hunter.
"The continuity!" Bossk wailed in pain. "Oh, my eyes!" He jumped up, holding his claws over his face.
Kast seized the moment and darted away, running into the forest.
"Curse you!" Bossk screamed at him. "Curse you and all the Mandalorians!" Attempting to chase after Kast in his blindness, he stumbled forward and then slipped, falling back down the slope. "Jodo?" he asked after a moment, whimpering at the idea of having lost the DVD. "Jodo!"
***
"JODO!"
But Kast was not listening to the Trandoshan's frightened cries. Instead, he was running through the confusing, rainbow-colored DVD-world. He raced up what might have been some sort of ancient piece of architecture and fell to his knees. As he opened his eyes wide and looked ahead of him, he again seemed to be flying through the air. A great shape loomed up in his view, a mighty and terrible Ranch, and he flew through the corridors until the flanneled security Camera, capless and wreathed in flame, rose to meet him.
Kast ripped the DVD from his finger before he could hear it say "I see you" again. It was getting old. He looked around him to see that he was seating upon a statue of an aquiline creature native to Concord Dawn.
"Kast?" Fett asked, walking towards him.
Kast jumped in surprise, slithering to the ground. "The DVD," he managed to gasp. "It's brainwashed Bossk."
Fett's eyes grew dark, and he reached for his EE3. "Where is the DVD?" he asked in a low, menacing voice.
Kast jumped backward in alarm. "Stay away! I'm the best bounty hunter in the galaxy, and you're only asking for trouble!"
Fett chased after him a few steps before he realized that he was only making Kast run faster. "I have a contract with Lord Vader to get this DVD safely to Skywalker Ranch. You're the one carrying it. Why would I disintegrate you? Wouldn't it make more sense to protect the DVD?"
Kast looked at him carefully, then decided to do something brash. He held the DVD forward where Fett could admire its pretty colors. "Can you protect it from yourself?"
Fett's visor only seemed to intensify the bands of light emanating from the DVD. He sucked in a deep breath, surprised at its twisted beauty. Boba. . . . it whispered.
With this DVD, he thought, I could kill Mace Windu once and for all. And Rystall. And Kast. And the Max Rebo band. And Dannik Jerriko; he's stealing my fangirls. But I would kill the fangirls too, because they disturb me. And I would kill all the other bounty hunters—except Dengar, he's too harmless to kill; and Zuckuss, because he's useful. . . . And I would rule the universe, and the starwars.com data banks would never be fiddled with again, except under special circumstances, because I hate my wookiee braids inexplicably changing to "ominous braids" and my height increasing three inches to make me more menacing. . . . When will they learn? Tall doesn't equal menacing; look at that idiot Gungan—
Boba. . . . the DVD whispered again.
"Would you destroy it?" Kast asked softly.
Sarlacc Food. . . .
With this last insult, Fett jerked back to reality, his face growing hot with anger. He pushed the DVD away from him, where its pretty colors could no longer influence his thoughts in such pitiful ways. He took a deep breath and did what needed to be done. "I'm still going with you to the end," he said, "into the very horrors of the Cutting Room."
"I know," Kast said softly, sending shivers down the spines of fangirls.
"Kast, your radar!" Fett cried in alarm, seeing approaching hoards of Durges appearing on his own. Kast's eyes widened in alarm as he received the same information. "Hurry, run back to the forest and head towards our fighters! Wait for us there! But whatever you do, don't let them get the DVD!"
Kast scurried off. Fett wouldn't have let him go under other circumstances, but he was convinced that the thought of betrayal hadn't even occurred to the poor idiot yet.
I'll make you proud, Dad, he thought, as he stepped forward in front of the oncoming Durges. He lifted his EE3 and touched it against his helmeted forehead ever-so-gently in some sort of blessing, then took aim—
***See, I told you I'd churn them out faster!