CHAPTER 13: THE MUCH FORSEEN BREAKING OF THE PARTNERSHIP
Kast raced down the hill. He could hear the Durges chasing after him, and he tried not to squeal. Finally, he ducked behind a tree and held his breath, hoping they were stupid enough that they hadn't seen him yet.
He was right. They ran straight past him, thanks to Dooku's messed-up cloning techniques. When they had gone, Kast looked up to see Boussh and 4-LOM hiding behind another tree.
"Jodo Kast, relocate yourself to our location!" 4-LOM shouted obnoxiously loud, and Kast winced. If the Durges hadn't heard that, they were even stupider than he had imagined. Why Boussh and 4-LOM's tree was a better hiding place than Kast's, he had absolutely no idea. Besides, Boussh smelled bad. Kast shook his head furiously.
"Quioto?" Boussh asked, souding hurt.
"He is not coming," 4-LOM said slowly, realizing. "He is betraying us! He is returning to the ships and escaping with the DVD!"
Boussh jumped up from behind the tree and raced forward, followed by 4-LOM. The droid began pulling out a lightsaber, and Kast realized with horror that they were planning on attacking him. He fumbled with his blaster, lifting it clumsily.
Suddenly, twenty more Durges came running down the hill and saw Boussh and 4-LOM standing in the open. "GRRRR, Mandalorians!" they roared, apparently not even intelligent enough to discern a droid and an Ubese from a Mandalorian.
"Quioto!" Boussh squealed in terror, grabbing 4-LOM's arm and pointing. 4-LOM's insect-like optical sensors took in the information at a glance, and the two bounty hunters turned tail and starting fleeing down the hill, the Durges on their tails.
Kast sighed in relief as he saw both the bounty hunters and the Durges disappear from sight. He knew that this was his chance, and he raced off into the trees, heading towards the starfighters.
***
Meanwhile, the last of the Mandalorians was enjoying himself as he disintegrated Durges left and right. He was standing on top of the ruins, shooting them down as they attempted to climb up after him. Finally, getting bored with such an easy operation, he decided to mix things up a bit. He launched himself (using his legs, not his jetpack; he had learned by now that using the jetpack always ended up causing him a great deal of pain) off of the stone ruins and on top of the Durges.
"JASTER MEREEL!" Fett shouted at the top of his lungs, knocking down several of them.
The Durges howled in fury at the mention of the name, and they began to fight like rabid dogs. Fett barely climbed to his feet in time to shoot the ones that were coming after him. He was completely surrounded by now, and was having difficulty keeping them back. Well, he had certainly mixed things up.
Suddenly, Dengar and Zuckuss came racing into the battle. "Where have you been?" Fett muttered angrily. "Idiots." Much to Fett's surprise, however, Zuckuss seemed to be chasing Dengar. "What the—?" Sure enough, Zuckuss was trying to shoot Dengar, and Dengar had raced into the battle only to escape him.
"Feeeeehhhhh—eehhhht!" Dengar wailed, waving his arms at the Mandalorian. "He's gone $#*@&-schizo again!"
Great, Fett thought, rolling his eyes. He quickly switched his EE3 to the lowest setting (For the purpose of this fanfic, blasters have settings) and took aim. With a light tap of the trigger, he shot the mouth-foaming Zuckuss right between the giant insectoid eyes. The Gand stopped in his tracks and shook his head, his eyes whirling. "Zuckuss does not know where he is," he whimpered, looking around in confusion.
When a Durge leaped through the air on top of the Gand, however, Zuckuss quickly became alert. "Aieee! Zuckuss is being killed!"
Fett switched the blaster rifle setting to maximum again and shot the offending clone. "Where are you going?" he shouted, seeing Dengar retreating from the battle.
"I forgot my *@#@$ hairbrush again," Dengar mumbled, trying to escape.
Grumbling in fury, Fett switched the rifle again and shot Dengar in the back. The Corellian screamed, and Fett smiled in spite of himself. "Oh, sorry," Dengar said after a moment, turning around. "I suppose I remembered it after all."
Meanwhile, Zuckuss was enjoying himself perhaps more than was appropriate. "Ha haha ha!" he chuckled loudly, holding a methane tube in one hand and a blaster in the other. As a Durge approached him, the Gand sprayed methane gas into his eyes, then shot him.
"I must admit," Fett said softly, "I've never seen that tactic before."
"Taste methane, clones!" Zuckuss cried in a deep voice. "Muahahaha!"
Fett started to feel a little bit jealous of the fun that Zuckuss was having, and he adjusted his blaster rifle to the middle setting. When he shot the next Durge, it exploded instead of being disintegrated. Fett smiled beneath his helmeted visage as chunks of flesh showered the area.
The next several minutes of the battle were definitely some of the best he'd ever had in his life, excepting maybe when he'd taken out the real Durge so many years ago. He began to reminisce about times long past, recalling his first hunts. How wonderful it had felt, to feel the first credit chip slipping from Fortuna's hand into his own! How empowering!
"Hey, Zam!" Fett shouted, forgetting himself for once. "Which side of a Durge has the most guts?" He shot another one, and the head exploded, spraying brains everywhere. "The outside!"
Dengar whimpered, wiping the gore off his face, and made a mental note never to make Fett mad at him again.
Suddenly, a loud bellow like that of a Wookiee sounded over the hills. Fett started to wonder what a Wookiee was doing on Concord Dawn; then he realized that it was not a Wookiee but a Wookiee-call, used to attract them towards bands of hunting Trandoshans.
"The Wookiee-call of Trandosha!" Dengar cried.
"Bossk!" Fett said, and began to fight his way out of the crowd. If he hurried, he might get there in time to see Bossk die a miserable, painful death. If not, he might be able to find an excuse to cause it himself.
***
"Quioto!" Boussh wailed, holding 4-LOM's claw-like hand. A Durge was coming straight towards them, and they stood frozen in terror.
Just before it pulled the trigger on its blaster, however, a large reptillian shape barrelled into it and knocked it over. "Bossk!" 4-LOM said, pleased that its circuits hadn't been fried. "You have come to rescue us!"
"Rescue you?" Bossk snarled, biting into the Durge's neck and flinging the body to the ground. "You little womp rats were trying to escape! Stolen the DVD from Kast, have you?"
"No!" 4-LOM cried, backing away. "I am a droid, and we are uncapable of theft."
"Unlikely story," Bossk growled, and turned towards the two smaller bounty hunters, licking his lips.
"Quioto," Boussh whimpered, closing his eyes beneath his helmet.
But 4-LOM was not afraid. He could see that, behind Bossk, a Durge was creeping up slowly. Seeing as how it had the intelligence to creep up, 4-LOM deduced that it could be none other than the original Durge himself. The bounty hunter lifted a blaster and aimed it toward Bossk.
"I'm going to make a belt out of your hide," Bossk said to Boussh, moving in for the kill. Before he could bite the Ubese's head off, however, Durge shot him in the back. The Trandoshan fell to the ground, steam rising from his body.
"Thank you," 4-LOM said to Durge, having to stretch his head back to see such a tall being. "You are our savior. You have liberated us from the clutches of a homicidal Trandoshan warrior who wished to tan Boussh's hide. We are indebted to you forever. You are a wonderful being, and we—"
Durge pointed his blaster at 4-LOM's face.
"Oh," the droid said.
Luckily for the two bounty hunters, they were rescued a third time when Fett plowed into Durge, knocking him to the ground. Durge jumped to his feet to see exactly who he had been hoping to meet. "Fett," he rumbled. "At last I shall have my revenge."
All the Durge clones that were in the area crowded around in a circle, eager to see the battle.
Fett almost laughed, and would have done so if he hadn't spent the last twenty years being an emotionless killer. He lifted his blaster rifle, still on the highest setting, and pointed it at Durge's head. A thrill running through his armored body, he pulled the trigger.
Nothing happened.
Fett realized his mistake almost right away. Using the highest setting on the EE3 at the beginning of the battle had drained its power pack faster than usual. Idiot! he scolded himself.
He looked up from his blaster rifle to see Durge swinging his own rifle towards Fett's head. It collided heavily with his helmet, knocking him to the ground and sending him rolling.
"Oh no!" 4-LOM said, waving its metallic appendages in the air. "We are doomed!"
"Quioto!"
"Yes, Boussh, I am a powerful Jedi, but even a powerful Jedi cannot hope to defeat the awesome power of Durge!"
"Uhnn," Fett groaned, rolling onto his back. He kicked upwards just in time to hit Durge square in the chest and send him tumbling backwards. Desperate to make up for his mistake, he jumped up and threw himself on top of the other bounty hunter, punching him in the side of the face. Unfortunately, Durge was wearing a helmet and didn't feel a thing. Durge quickly pulled out a different blaster and aimed it at Fett, then fired. The Durge clones cheered.
Fett was surprised to feel himself being thrown backwards, where his back struck a tree. Whatever it was, it hadn't really been a blaster. He opened his eyes to see a net opening around him and pinning him to the tree. Without a moment's delay, Durge aimed his real blaster rifle at Fett's head.
Almost feeling concerned for a moment, Fett released the blades on his gauntlet, slicing through the netting and allowing him to slip to the ground just in time. The blaster fire hit the tree right where his head had been, and the whole top half of the tree burst into flames.
"Quioto."
"Yes, Boussh, that was close."
Being an ultra-cool Ninja-looking piece of supervillain eyecandy, Durge pulled out some glittery throwing stars and grinned evilly. The clones looked at each other, wishing they were cool like their father.
"What the—?" Fett shouted, wondering what the Flanneled One had been thinking when he invented this guy. I've been completely screwed over! he thought angrily. Curse you, Lucas!
The throwing stars spinning towards him, Fett used his amazing martial arts skills to dodge them left and right, thanking the comic book writers for endowing him with such useful skills. Durge growled at the failure of his plan and raced towards Fett in fury. Acting on gut instinct, Fett reached behind him and wrenched one of the stars from what was left of the tree, hurling it towards the other bounty hunter. It embedded itself between the armor of Durge's leg, and he pulled it out, roaring angrily. Raising the star to his mouth, Durge lifted up his helmet just enough to lick the blood off the star.
*Author's Note!* I am NOT responsible for the previous scene! I swear, it wasn't in the script! *
Fett stared at him, feeling ill. Energized by the taste of blood, Durge continued his mad rampage towards his sworn enemy.
"Fett, prepare to catch this well-thrown projectile arm that I am sending in your general direction!" 4-LOM called.
Fett looked over and realized that the droid had actually detached his very sharp arm and was throwing it at him. The Mandalorian caught it deftly and held it in front of him. Much as he expected, Durge plowed right into it and was impaled. How 4-LOM's arm had been sharp enough to cut through the armor, Fett had no idea, but was thankful nonetheless.
"Quito."
"Yes, Boussh, I stole that move from IG-88."
Durge snarled in pain, leaning towards the Mandalorian as if to headbutt him. But since such moves are not allowed in Star Wars movies, Fett quickly grabbed the blaster rifle out of Durge's hands and disintegrated his enemy's head.
"Help us, Fett!" 4-LOM suddenly shouted. "We are being assaulted by a large, angry dinosaur!"
Fett turned around to see Bossk rising to his feet and coming after the droid and the Ubese. Without a second thought, he lifted Durge's blaster rifle. At the last minute, however, he switched the setting to stun. Cradossk wouldn't like that one, he thought regretfully.
Bossk hit the ground without a sound.
"Hooray!" 4-LOM cried. Just at that moment, however, the clones decided to retreat. On their way out, they grabbed Boussh and 4-LOM around the middles and carried them off.
"Quioto!" Boussh wailed. His voice gradually faded off into the distance.
Dengar and Zuckuss came running down the hill just in time to see Boussh and 4-LOM being carried off. "Um, Fett? Don't you think we should rescue the little @&#$@'s?"
Fett fixed his T-visored helmet in Dengar's direction. "No."
"Oh," Dengar said, swallowing. "Well then. . . ." He looked around to see Bossk lying several meters away. The Trandoshan was slowly rising to his feet again, rubbing his head.
Stupid power pack, Fett thought. Stun mode just isn't what it used to be. He strode towards the Trandoshan. "How are you feeling?"
Bossk shook his head, trying to clear away the dizziness. "Better, I think. But I feel like—" His slitted eyes widened as he remembered what had happened. "Hey, you shot me!"
"Yes, I did," Fett admitted, then pulled back his fist and struck the Trandoshan square in the face. Bossk tottered back and forth for a few moments, then tumbled to the ground.
***
Kast stood at the edge of the clearing that held their starfighters. The DVD was out of its case and in his hand, and he looked down at it numbly. I wish the DVD had never come to me. I wish none of this had ever happened—by that, of course, I mean that I wish none of these nincompoops had come with me. I wish I had already completed the mission and gotten paid by now.
A voice came to him from far back in his memories, and a familiar cylindrical head popped into his mind. So do all who live to see such bounties, IG-88 said monotonously. All you have to decide is what to do with the job that is given you.
A tear of regret trickled down Kast's cheek.
Taking a deep breath, he strode towards the nearest fighter.
"Mr. Jodo!" Greedo cried, racing into the clearing. "Wait for me!"
Kast hurried up into the fighter. "I'm going to Skywalker Ranch alone!" he shouted back at the Rodian.
"I know," Greedo said stupidly, "and I'm coming with you!"
Kast powered up the fighter and it began to lift off the ground. Greedo was still running towards him. "Greedo," Kast cried in dismay, "you can't fly! GREEDO!"
But the Rodian had already grabbed hold of the fighter and was hanging on for dear life as it rose into the air. The currents pummeled Greedo's body, and he stretched a scaly green hand upwards as if reaching towards the heavens. "And I wasn't even in the air," he often told his mother, years later. "It was all CG."
Popping the hatch despite the danger involved, Kast reached down and grabbed Greedo's hand, pulling him into the fighter. Greedo sat there gasping. "IG-88 said, 'Don't you let him escape, Greedo,'" the Rodian said tearfully. "And I don't mean to! I don't mean to."
"Oh, Greedo," Kast sighed, feeling tears in his own eyes. He leaned forward and embraced the Rodian, and both of them began to cry heartily.
***
Fett stood panting in the sunlight. He had just spent the last half hour dragging Bossk by the tail, and he had finally reached the edge of a river.
"Um, Fett?" Dengar asked timidly. "What are you planning on doing with the stupid *$@%$?"
"As our companion Bossk has heroically fallen in battle," Fett said grandly, "we shall commit his body in the way of his people, by throwing him into this dangerous, rushing, obviously-deadly river and allowing the fish to eat him."
Dengar and Zuckuss blinked, looking at each other.
"Laddie," Zuckuss said carefully, in a ridiculously heavy Scottish accent, "I do-nah think you unduh-stand. Bossk, he inna dead, he's a-merely unconscious, ya see."
Fett kicked the Trandoshan in the face, and Bossk let out a moan. "Sounds dead to me."
The other two bounty hunters watched in quiet horror at Fett drug Bossk to the river's edge, then began to roll him towards it. With a splash, the Trandoshan tumbled into the river and was carried away by the current.
"Now," Fett said formally, "we will sing a song in remembrance of him, in the language of his people." He took a deep breath, then shook his head. "On second thought, let's leave right now and forget about the eulogy."
Dengar looked up as he heard the familiar sound of a ship soaring overhead. "It's Jodo and Greedo! They've &$*$# escaped with the DVD!"
It took a few moments for the gravity of what had just happened to sink in. Fett stood there dumbly, then had the sudden urge to fling himself into the river after Bossk. "Idiot!" he shouted. "Idiot, idiot!"
"What are Zuckuss and his friends going to do?" the Gand asked, fingering his methane tubes.
"The only thing we can do," Fett said in a low voice. "Go after them and—"
What followed was a terrible stream of curses that I am loath to repeat it here. The closest thing I can give you is this: "*%$&@--*$***$$@! @%#& nerf-herding @%%#! *&#$!"
Even Dengar had to cover his ears.
"Gentlemen," Fett said, regaining his trademark cool, "let's hunt some Kast."
"YES!" Zuckuss roared, laughing gleefully, and began to dash off through the woods, followed by Dengar and Fett.
***
Jodo Kast stood at the edge of a high precipice, looking down over a frightening landscape. "Skywalker Ranch," he said, shuddering. "I'm glad you're here with me, Greedo."
He sighed, reaching out and taking the Rodian's scaly hand. "I don't suppose we'll ever see them again," Kast said thankfully, dreading what Fett was planning on doing to him.
Greedo shook his head ominously. "We may yet, Mr. Jodo. We may yet."
Their hands clasped in a gesture of eternal friendship, the two bounty hunters began to climb down the precipice and then off into the horizon.
Here ends the first part of the history of the War of the DVD.
The second part is called THE TWO TWI-LEKS, since the events recounted in it are dominated by RYSTALL, the dancing girl of Jabba, and the female-rights activist NOLAA TARKONA, who believes desperately that the bounty hunter Boba Fett is in fact her long-lost sister Oola; it tells of the deeds and perils of all the members of the now sundered Extremely-Temporary Partnership of the Bounty Hunters, until the coming of the Great Flanneledness.
The third part tells of the last defence against the Flannel, and the end of the mission of the DVD-bearer in THE RETURN OF THE FETT.
THE END
A Further Note: If you would like to learn more about Bounty Hunters, read the epic novel Tales of the Bounty Hunters, or try the comic book Twin Engines of Destruction.
Author's Note: You may think that this is the end, but remember, there's still the credits. Special features will be a commentary by Boussh and 4-LOM, and best of all—the title song for the epic film The Extremely-Temporary Partnership of the Bounty Hunting—"EE3," sung by everyone's favorite Twi-lek songmistress, Eenya!