My apologies for the long wait. I hope you all like the next chapter of
'Under the Face Paint', and again, may I remind you that this is an old RPG
thread that my friend and I didn't want wasted. So anyway, read and enjoy!
Tomo could not take it anymore; for once his embittered conscience was winning. His mind was telling him to say something, do anything to end the other boy's misery and humiliation, but it was such a struggle for Tomo to act in another's interest. The thought of facing Amiboshi again, turned his stomach painfully. 'What will I say to him, Seiryuu? How can I make right what I have done!?' he demanded internally, tortured by the conflict in his heart and mind.
Despite every nerve of his mind begging him to stay to himself, disappear into the shadows, perhaps forever, and leave the other alone, he rose to his feet. Still remaining unnoticed, he clung to the doorframe, his shaky bloodstained hands digging into the cold stone, to steady his weak body. Then, knowing his face was an embarrassing mess and worrying that anything he would say would only make things worse, he stepped into the light and walked towards the boy.
Stopping and biting his lip with shear terror of facing the one that surely hated him right then, he stood before him and dropped his golden stare to the ground.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, not wanting to see his response to his presence. "I wasn't thinking, I know you didn't want me to, how could you want me..." he trailed off as sobs more painful and desperate than any he had felt earlier shook his form. "Don't hate me," he finished slowly, hurrying away, mortified that he had even been so near to the boy.
He fled, still avoiding his inquiring stare. All he wanted was to disappear and never return. 'It's not like anyone will actually care!' his mind nagged
Amiboshi tried to speak, to stop Tomo from hurrying away. His mouth opened several times, but no sound came. They just refused to come, especially after his eyes had been attracted to something that trailed down the hallway after the distraught seishi.
Blood. There were droplets of bright red blood leading away down the dark corridor. 'What did he do to...?' His mind raced. Had Tomo tried to...?
Tomo's rapid footsteps echoed down the corridor, the outside silence magnifying the sound so it resounded in his already throbbing ears like hollow drumming. He felt so desperately alone, and, although this was not unusual, it too seemed magnified by the circumstances of the night. The true emptiness and hopelessness of unrequited loved and the chill of human nature seemed to swell in his heart with every step he took.
Finally he reached the door of his room, the only place he both wanted and dreaded going. He only wished to hide from all the trouble he had caused, the mistakes, the tragedy that had become a part of every day he lived, but he could not trust himself alone in this state. He feared making more mistakes he would never be able to take back, but living with those he had already made showed only a dismal, loveless future.
"I just hope everything is all right," he whispered aloud. "I can't believe I could be so stupid! I hurt the only person to ever be nice to me! Is that the thanks I'm supposed to give? I am a freak! No wonder everyone wishes I were dead! Sometimes I wish I were dead too! Amiboshi, I didn't mean it! Well, I did, but I don't expect you to return the feelings. Your friendship is enough, if I could take back those seconds I would! I would do anything to get you back, or even to make you happy!"
The room was dark except for an open window. Gazing out of it, the glittering stars danced together, reflecting in the tears lining his yellow eyes. The moonlight reflected off a dagger sitting on his bedside table, and he watched it with fascination, desperately restraining himself from reaching towards it, from finishing all his problems.
Amiboshi strode quickly down the hall to Tomo's room; he and his brother had passed it many times before. Actually, more like rushing passed in case the occupant was there...
But that was in the past now; Tomo was his friend. At that moment, he was confused about his friend's action; Tomo had told the truth. That was uncharacteristic of Tomo, or, at least, the old Tomo, anyway.
He continued down the corridor to the well-passed-by door of his friend.
Tomo jerked his glance away from the gleaming object forcefully, struggling internally with the choices he had. He was miserable, and in far too deep to return, but yet just the thought of the way Amiboshi had spoken to him made him want to continue living, just to feel cared for once again. 'But that was before I,' he cut off his own thought, wincing through the steady stream of tears with humiliation. His mind was spinning about what the other boy might be thinking of him now, all hopes disintegrating under the harsh memories of unreturned love and rejection.
Every event in his past reflected only sorrow, loneliness, and isolation. Nothing he ever did could make it vanish, even glimmers of hope exploded in the fiery violence of hatred. He was not normal, no one would really care if he were gone, his own stupidity and incapability to just be normal destroyed any glimpse of hope, and nothing he could do would ever save him from this. Amiboshi did not care about him, Amiboshi hated him, despised him, cringed at the thought of his existence, just like Nakago and everyone else.
These thoughts shattered his heart and well-being, but he could not die. Maybe he was a hopeless dreamer, a coward, and a fool for not just leaving forever, but he could not stop wishing for a better life. He just wanted everything to be all right, for Amiboshi and himself.
He looked up from his pained daze, focusing through a layer of salty tears. 'Some one's outside the door,' he told himself, straining in the empty silence to hear any sound of rustling. 'What's going on?' he asked.
Praying to Seiryuu that it was not just his hopeful imagination he called out. "Hello?" he cried weakly. "Come in."
Amiboshi gently pushed against the door and peeked into the room. "Tomo?" he whispered, taking a step or two inside and then strode quickly in when he noticed the wound on his hand was still bleeding. He began taking off his headband and wrapping the hurt.
"Tomo, I'm sorry that you're so sad. There..." He completed the knot that held the makeshift bandages together around his friend's hand. Amiboshi stared at Tomo, a sympathetic smile coming to his face. "Gods, Tomo...you seem so lonely and discouraged. Is there anything I can do?" he asked, hopefully thinking that there would have to be some way to cheer him up.
Tomo looked away, his face flaming red with the embarrassment of the moment; Amiboshi's touch and sympathetic smile making his eyes well up more with tears of both humiliation and happiness. He wanted to believe the gentle tone, cry some more on his new friend and praise Seiryuu that this boy had found it in his heart to even come near him again, let alone care for him. But somehow he just could not will his body to move. He knew he would frighten the boy, and he could not bear to face more rejection, or to lose the last chance he was given.
"I'm sorry," was all he could choke out, burying his reddened face in his injured hands, his claw-like nails sliding in between locks of messy silver. "I was just so lonely! I wasn't thinking, I lost control, and I..." he paused, a particularly loud sob rising from his throat. "You must find me disgusting, I don't know why you even waste your time on me."
He dissolved into tears, sobs shaking his tiny body as he leaned his head against the wall, not daring to meet the boy's gaze, anxious about what emotions he would see in his honest blue eyes. 'He must think I am an useless fag!' he told himself as he whimpered softly.
His heart wrenched. He hated seeing anyone cry, especially Shunkaku.
Timidly scooting closer and reaching forward, he comforted Tomo, hugging him and patting his back in a friendly gesture. "Tomo, I'm not wasting my time. I like to take care of my friends when they're troubled. And I don't find you disgusting; what occurred surprised me at first, but I don't hate you or anything. I know you didn't do it out of spite, so there's no longer a problem."
Tomo's muscles tensed at their first physical contact since the kiss, nervously questioning his own suitable response and what consequences would ensue if Amiboshi suddenly changed his mind about the contact and blamed the other. But his aching, grieved body gave in, his heart forcing him into the welcoming arms, his limbs losing some of the paralysis of fear and logical apprehension in his terrible weakness. He was breaking apart alone, and only that warm, friendly embrace could secure his shattered soul and conscience.
The younger boy's words echoed in his head, 'I'm not wasting my time, I don't find you disgusting,' he felt a smile break his waxy, tear-streaked face. Looking towards the boy's pure, kind expression a lump rose in his throat, not from sadness, isolation, or fear, but from happiness and relief. 'Oh Seiryuu, don't let this be another twisted illusion I've created to soothe my wounds, please just let this be really happening! It just seems too good to be true, like a dream, though I never dreamed for anything this bold and unbelievable. I never dared to dream of acceptance like this.'
Wiping away his tears he came even closer to the other Seiryuu. "Thank you for everything, you, you saved my life," he stuttered weakly. "I owe all I am to you for caring about me. I want to do anything for you. I don't think you can even comprehend how much your actions tonight mean to me. Nobody has ever worried about me before."
He held the twin close, still a bit wary of his affection but unable to contain the love for his fellow seishi, a brotherly companionship, respect, and commitment foreign to his usual selfish desires. "And all I did to you was cause you trouble. I don't deserve you, but I now I don't think I can live without you. I'll do anything to make up what I did, anything as long as you'll be my friend forever," he whispered somewhat childishly, choking on tears as he gazed at the other's soft face devotedly, his years of isolated life finally breaking in a flood of love and caring.
Amiboshi's smile widened. "I don't need you to do anything to be my friend, Tomo. Just be who you are and that will be enough."
He stood up stretching his tight shoulders. "I'm glad we're friends. And thank you so much for earlier." He yawned. It was, after all, early in the morning and he wasn't much of a night owl. "Do you need anything? Anything more you wish to talk about? If so, I'm here..."
"No," he replied shakily, his heart leaping at Amiboshi's never ending kindness. As a child redemption had always come with a price, sometimes in the opera a price too disgusting and terrible to be remembered. But this seishi, like a brother and close friend, was forgiving him and wanting nothing in return but returned friendship, and even without that seemed willing to respect his feelings. However, he resolved to not only give that to the boy, but more, if not in actions then in cherished emotion. He would do anything to protect this boy, to stand up for him and offer him consolation when he was hurting. "You have done more for me than all the other acts of caring I've experienced combined," he reassured graciously.
There was one more thing he wished, but to ask it would certainly be an encroachment on the bond he and his friend now shared. The thought of spending the night alone was haunting, and to have the other stay by his side would do much to heal the last of his arisen suffering. He wanted the younger seishi to stay the night with him, not as lovers but friends, so he could feel the presence of another when the chill of nighttime loneliness and regrets washed over him with the waning of the moon he would remember that there was someone that cared for him. Saying this, however, would only come out wrong and severe him from the boy's generous affection. He was gay, he had to face that, and no matter how hard he tried this would always put stricter boundaries between he and his comrades that those they set between each other.
He smiled sadly, rising to his feet and beckoning the twin to stand with him. "You can go back to your room, I'm sorry I kept you awake all night." He blushed, opening the door, his heart still sinking at the thought of being alone again. He reached out and embraced the other, drinking in the last bit of warmth he was to receive that night, knowing that this cold isolation, too, was part of his life, and it would always be so. But the friendship of this boy, akin with their struggles and pains, would give him the light moments to continue living for even in the darkness.
Tightening the embrace he smiled warmly. "Thank you for everything."
Amiboshi returned the gesture warmly. "You're welcome, and thank you again; fifty times. I'll see you later tomorrow; sleep well, Tomo." He gave one last smile to his new friend before turning and slowly walking back down the long gloomy hallway that would lead to his room.
He finally made it back, opening his chamber door and shutting it softly behind him as he walked through the doorway. He lazily peeled off his shirt and hung it on the bedpost of his bed for the time being; he was so tired he didn't really care at that point.
Slipping into the covers of his bed, Amiboshi couldn't help up smile slightly. "Good night, Tomo. I'll see you in the..." He yawned. "...morning..."
As his head rested against the soft pillow, he lost all track of what his last few words were going to be, immediately falling back to sleep easily, a small smile on his face.
Tomo curled up under the covers of his bed, longing to fade into every fold and crease and awake in one of his illusions surrounded by the warmth and kindness he had experienced only seconds before, reclaiming every second throughout the rest of his lifetime. Sighing he smiled contently, "Good night Ami-chan." He liked the sound of that! Whispering it a few times he could not help but giggle joyfully. "Sweet dreams."
He closed his eyes and vanished into his own thoughts and desires, wishing for the first time in his life that soon he would awaken once more.
Tomo could not take it anymore; for once his embittered conscience was winning. His mind was telling him to say something, do anything to end the other boy's misery and humiliation, but it was such a struggle for Tomo to act in another's interest. The thought of facing Amiboshi again, turned his stomach painfully. 'What will I say to him, Seiryuu? How can I make right what I have done!?' he demanded internally, tortured by the conflict in his heart and mind.
Despite every nerve of his mind begging him to stay to himself, disappear into the shadows, perhaps forever, and leave the other alone, he rose to his feet. Still remaining unnoticed, he clung to the doorframe, his shaky bloodstained hands digging into the cold stone, to steady his weak body. Then, knowing his face was an embarrassing mess and worrying that anything he would say would only make things worse, he stepped into the light and walked towards the boy.
Stopping and biting his lip with shear terror of facing the one that surely hated him right then, he stood before him and dropped his golden stare to the ground.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, not wanting to see his response to his presence. "I wasn't thinking, I know you didn't want me to, how could you want me..." he trailed off as sobs more painful and desperate than any he had felt earlier shook his form. "Don't hate me," he finished slowly, hurrying away, mortified that he had even been so near to the boy.
He fled, still avoiding his inquiring stare. All he wanted was to disappear and never return. 'It's not like anyone will actually care!' his mind nagged
Amiboshi tried to speak, to stop Tomo from hurrying away. His mouth opened several times, but no sound came. They just refused to come, especially after his eyes had been attracted to something that trailed down the hallway after the distraught seishi.
Blood. There were droplets of bright red blood leading away down the dark corridor. 'What did he do to...?' His mind raced. Had Tomo tried to...?
Tomo's rapid footsteps echoed down the corridor, the outside silence magnifying the sound so it resounded in his already throbbing ears like hollow drumming. He felt so desperately alone, and, although this was not unusual, it too seemed magnified by the circumstances of the night. The true emptiness and hopelessness of unrequited loved and the chill of human nature seemed to swell in his heart with every step he took.
Finally he reached the door of his room, the only place he both wanted and dreaded going. He only wished to hide from all the trouble he had caused, the mistakes, the tragedy that had become a part of every day he lived, but he could not trust himself alone in this state. He feared making more mistakes he would never be able to take back, but living with those he had already made showed only a dismal, loveless future.
"I just hope everything is all right," he whispered aloud. "I can't believe I could be so stupid! I hurt the only person to ever be nice to me! Is that the thanks I'm supposed to give? I am a freak! No wonder everyone wishes I were dead! Sometimes I wish I were dead too! Amiboshi, I didn't mean it! Well, I did, but I don't expect you to return the feelings. Your friendship is enough, if I could take back those seconds I would! I would do anything to get you back, or even to make you happy!"
The room was dark except for an open window. Gazing out of it, the glittering stars danced together, reflecting in the tears lining his yellow eyes. The moonlight reflected off a dagger sitting on his bedside table, and he watched it with fascination, desperately restraining himself from reaching towards it, from finishing all his problems.
Amiboshi strode quickly down the hall to Tomo's room; he and his brother had passed it many times before. Actually, more like rushing passed in case the occupant was there...
But that was in the past now; Tomo was his friend. At that moment, he was confused about his friend's action; Tomo had told the truth. That was uncharacteristic of Tomo, or, at least, the old Tomo, anyway.
He continued down the corridor to the well-passed-by door of his friend.
Tomo jerked his glance away from the gleaming object forcefully, struggling internally with the choices he had. He was miserable, and in far too deep to return, but yet just the thought of the way Amiboshi had spoken to him made him want to continue living, just to feel cared for once again. 'But that was before I,' he cut off his own thought, wincing through the steady stream of tears with humiliation. His mind was spinning about what the other boy might be thinking of him now, all hopes disintegrating under the harsh memories of unreturned love and rejection.
Every event in his past reflected only sorrow, loneliness, and isolation. Nothing he ever did could make it vanish, even glimmers of hope exploded in the fiery violence of hatred. He was not normal, no one would really care if he were gone, his own stupidity and incapability to just be normal destroyed any glimpse of hope, and nothing he could do would ever save him from this. Amiboshi did not care about him, Amiboshi hated him, despised him, cringed at the thought of his existence, just like Nakago and everyone else.
These thoughts shattered his heart and well-being, but he could not die. Maybe he was a hopeless dreamer, a coward, and a fool for not just leaving forever, but he could not stop wishing for a better life. He just wanted everything to be all right, for Amiboshi and himself.
He looked up from his pained daze, focusing through a layer of salty tears. 'Some one's outside the door,' he told himself, straining in the empty silence to hear any sound of rustling. 'What's going on?' he asked.
Praying to Seiryuu that it was not just his hopeful imagination he called out. "Hello?" he cried weakly. "Come in."
Amiboshi gently pushed against the door and peeked into the room. "Tomo?" he whispered, taking a step or two inside and then strode quickly in when he noticed the wound on his hand was still bleeding. He began taking off his headband and wrapping the hurt.
"Tomo, I'm sorry that you're so sad. There..." He completed the knot that held the makeshift bandages together around his friend's hand. Amiboshi stared at Tomo, a sympathetic smile coming to his face. "Gods, Tomo...you seem so lonely and discouraged. Is there anything I can do?" he asked, hopefully thinking that there would have to be some way to cheer him up.
Tomo looked away, his face flaming red with the embarrassment of the moment; Amiboshi's touch and sympathetic smile making his eyes well up more with tears of both humiliation and happiness. He wanted to believe the gentle tone, cry some more on his new friend and praise Seiryuu that this boy had found it in his heart to even come near him again, let alone care for him. But somehow he just could not will his body to move. He knew he would frighten the boy, and he could not bear to face more rejection, or to lose the last chance he was given.
"I'm sorry," was all he could choke out, burying his reddened face in his injured hands, his claw-like nails sliding in between locks of messy silver. "I was just so lonely! I wasn't thinking, I lost control, and I..." he paused, a particularly loud sob rising from his throat. "You must find me disgusting, I don't know why you even waste your time on me."
He dissolved into tears, sobs shaking his tiny body as he leaned his head against the wall, not daring to meet the boy's gaze, anxious about what emotions he would see in his honest blue eyes. 'He must think I am an useless fag!' he told himself as he whimpered softly.
His heart wrenched. He hated seeing anyone cry, especially Shunkaku.
Timidly scooting closer and reaching forward, he comforted Tomo, hugging him and patting his back in a friendly gesture. "Tomo, I'm not wasting my time. I like to take care of my friends when they're troubled. And I don't find you disgusting; what occurred surprised me at first, but I don't hate you or anything. I know you didn't do it out of spite, so there's no longer a problem."
Tomo's muscles tensed at their first physical contact since the kiss, nervously questioning his own suitable response and what consequences would ensue if Amiboshi suddenly changed his mind about the contact and blamed the other. But his aching, grieved body gave in, his heart forcing him into the welcoming arms, his limbs losing some of the paralysis of fear and logical apprehension in his terrible weakness. He was breaking apart alone, and only that warm, friendly embrace could secure his shattered soul and conscience.
The younger boy's words echoed in his head, 'I'm not wasting my time, I don't find you disgusting,' he felt a smile break his waxy, tear-streaked face. Looking towards the boy's pure, kind expression a lump rose in his throat, not from sadness, isolation, or fear, but from happiness and relief. 'Oh Seiryuu, don't let this be another twisted illusion I've created to soothe my wounds, please just let this be really happening! It just seems too good to be true, like a dream, though I never dreamed for anything this bold and unbelievable. I never dared to dream of acceptance like this.'
Wiping away his tears he came even closer to the other Seiryuu. "Thank you for everything, you, you saved my life," he stuttered weakly. "I owe all I am to you for caring about me. I want to do anything for you. I don't think you can even comprehend how much your actions tonight mean to me. Nobody has ever worried about me before."
He held the twin close, still a bit wary of his affection but unable to contain the love for his fellow seishi, a brotherly companionship, respect, and commitment foreign to his usual selfish desires. "And all I did to you was cause you trouble. I don't deserve you, but I now I don't think I can live without you. I'll do anything to make up what I did, anything as long as you'll be my friend forever," he whispered somewhat childishly, choking on tears as he gazed at the other's soft face devotedly, his years of isolated life finally breaking in a flood of love and caring.
Amiboshi's smile widened. "I don't need you to do anything to be my friend, Tomo. Just be who you are and that will be enough."
He stood up stretching his tight shoulders. "I'm glad we're friends. And thank you so much for earlier." He yawned. It was, after all, early in the morning and he wasn't much of a night owl. "Do you need anything? Anything more you wish to talk about? If so, I'm here..."
"No," he replied shakily, his heart leaping at Amiboshi's never ending kindness. As a child redemption had always come with a price, sometimes in the opera a price too disgusting and terrible to be remembered. But this seishi, like a brother and close friend, was forgiving him and wanting nothing in return but returned friendship, and even without that seemed willing to respect his feelings. However, he resolved to not only give that to the boy, but more, if not in actions then in cherished emotion. He would do anything to protect this boy, to stand up for him and offer him consolation when he was hurting. "You have done more for me than all the other acts of caring I've experienced combined," he reassured graciously.
There was one more thing he wished, but to ask it would certainly be an encroachment on the bond he and his friend now shared. The thought of spending the night alone was haunting, and to have the other stay by his side would do much to heal the last of his arisen suffering. He wanted the younger seishi to stay the night with him, not as lovers but friends, so he could feel the presence of another when the chill of nighttime loneliness and regrets washed over him with the waning of the moon he would remember that there was someone that cared for him. Saying this, however, would only come out wrong and severe him from the boy's generous affection. He was gay, he had to face that, and no matter how hard he tried this would always put stricter boundaries between he and his comrades that those they set between each other.
He smiled sadly, rising to his feet and beckoning the twin to stand with him. "You can go back to your room, I'm sorry I kept you awake all night." He blushed, opening the door, his heart still sinking at the thought of being alone again. He reached out and embraced the other, drinking in the last bit of warmth he was to receive that night, knowing that this cold isolation, too, was part of his life, and it would always be so. But the friendship of this boy, akin with their struggles and pains, would give him the light moments to continue living for even in the darkness.
Tightening the embrace he smiled warmly. "Thank you for everything."
Amiboshi returned the gesture warmly. "You're welcome, and thank you again; fifty times. I'll see you later tomorrow; sleep well, Tomo." He gave one last smile to his new friend before turning and slowly walking back down the long gloomy hallway that would lead to his room.
He finally made it back, opening his chamber door and shutting it softly behind him as he walked through the doorway. He lazily peeled off his shirt and hung it on the bedpost of his bed for the time being; he was so tired he didn't really care at that point.
Slipping into the covers of his bed, Amiboshi couldn't help up smile slightly. "Good night, Tomo. I'll see you in the..." He yawned. "...morning..."
As his head rested against the soft pillow, he lost all track of what his last few words were going to be, immediately falling back to sleep easily, a small smile on his face.
Tomo curled up under the covers of his bed, longing to fade into every fold and crease and awake in one of his illusions surrounded by the warmth and kindness he had experienced only seconds before, reclaiming every second throughout the rest of his lifetime. Sighing he smiled contently, "Good night Ami-chan." He liked the sound of that! Whispering it a few times he could not help but giggle joyfully. "Sweet dreams."
He closed his eyes and vanished into his own thoughts and desires, wishing for the first time in his life that soon he would awaken once more.