V
Voices lulled him out of sleep; the soft echoes of whispered conversation. For a moment Sanzo considered rising, but the lethargy of sleep was almost overwhelming. If the others were up and talking there could be no immediate danger, he reasoned, and relaxed, shifting to find a more comfortable angle against the wall.
"I had the strangest dream," Goku's voice floated out of the dark.
Hakkai encouraged him with a brief "Hm". Sanzo would have rolled his eyes if they were open.
"I saw one of the youkai I killed this morning ... except that he was alive and well and saying goodbye to Mei and the children, or something. I think he was part of their family."
Ah, Sanzo thought. Ah.
"And...?" Gojyo prompted.
"And that was about the sum of it," Goku replied. "I mean, I felt a bit sorry for the kids there, losing their dad..."
There was a silence.
"A bit sorry?" Hakkai asked, eventually.
"Yeah, he would have killed us if we hadn't killed him, right? And then ... if he had killed Sanzo I would have been upset, so I guess the kids must have been upset too..."
Another pause, and Sanzo could imagine Goku sitting there, chewing on his lip, thinking it over.
"Was it wrong? To kill him, I mean."
So strange, Sanzo reflected. That the same vision can lead to such different interpretations. If Hakkai were to tell him now that the killing were justified, then he would happily accept it and forget it by tomorrow, else accept it and live by that belief for the rest of his days.
"Did you have the same dream, Gojyo?" Hakkai asked, evading the question.
"Actually, yeah. Except that my mum was in it, and... well, it was sort of strange. I was wondering: What if Jien had been the one in trouble and I'd been the one with the sword..." There was the sound of a cup clunking against wood. "Still, I figure that there wasn't really time to think. I'd probably have... done the same."
"So is it wrong?" Hakkai asked, and the smile was almost audible in his voice.
"Luck of the draw, I suppose," Gojyo replied in a manner that was just a little too forced. "I never really thought about it before, well, maybe in a sort of abstract way. Figure there's such a thing as karma, Hakkai? Fate? 'It's your time to go means it's your time to go'?"
"What do you think, Sanzo?"
He cracked an eyelid open, and saw the three of them seated in a half circle on the floor, staring at him.
"I'm not thinking at the moment. I'm trying to sleep," he replied, and closed the eye again. "Besides, Goku asked you first."
"So he did," Hakkai said thoughtfully.
And of all of us, you must have had the most time to ponder upon this. The guilt that nearly killed you four years ago has only just touched us now. You must have come to terms with it, or forgotten it, or learnt to justify it. How would you answer the question?
"I'm afraid that any answer I can give is only my poor, imperfect interpretation of the matter..." Hakkai murmured. "Yet I believe that there is never any justification for killing someone, never any adequate reason. There may be such a thing as Fate--" a pause, an unseen shake of the head "--but even Fate is no excuse for the grief that we cause to others by the taking of a life." He trailed off, and Sanzo could imagine the skeptical look upon Gojyo's face and the wide-eyed surprise on Goku's.
"And?" he prompted.
Hakkai chuckled. "Did I say there was more?"
"There is," Sanzo replied flatly.
"But it is not given to us to be martyrs, I suppose," Hakkai replied. "And there may come a time where we will have to atone for all the bloodshed. But for now... I'm alive, and I intend to stay alive for a while longer. 'Those who kill must be prepared to be killed in turn'... isn't that how you would put it, Sanzo?"
"No," he said softly, and rose. "No, that is not how I would put it any more." Turning his back on their bafflement, he strode to the window, and stared out upon the sunset.
"You didn't kill Mei or the children," Hakkai said from behind him. "You let them go."
"We cannot undo that which is done," Sanzo replied cryptically. "I wouldn't obsess about it if I were you." We are not the gods, who may sit in judgment above, so removed from this world and it's strife. We are not the gods who need not sully their hands with the petty struggle to survive. He glared at the sky above, and it was red, beset by the light of evening. I will not obsess about this.
Yet when he closed his eyes he saw the children staring at him, terrified, and he knew that the answer would never be that simple. One day, he thought ruefully, this will come back to haunt us. And it may well prove our downfall. A fatal hesitation in the heat of battle... He saw Mei in his memory's eye, her gaze cool and knowing. Of all the enemies we have faced on this long road, you certainly did the most damage.
"Gather our supplies. We're leaving." He flexed his shoulder experimentally, and was gladdened to find it stiff and sore but decidedly less painful. Hakkai must have found the strength for some healing work.
"You don't really believe that, do you?" a voice cut in. He didn't need to turn to see Gojyo hovering just out of sight.
He shrugged.
"You're pretty quiet. Want to talk about it?"
"No." He shot Gojyo a brief glare.
"The kid'll be fine, you know. He'll think about it, but he won't let it get to him. And Hakkai's either come to terms with it... or it's nothing new. What about you?"
"What makes you think that I know what you're talking about?"
Gojyo scrubbed absently at his cheek. Sanzo brought a hand up, and found a trail of dried tears on his own face. Cursing, he swiped at it.
"So?" Gojyo asked. "Was it the same dream? Those youkai we killed last night or this morning or whatever time of the night it was... and their families?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Sanzo growled.
"Figures," Gojyo shrugged easily. "I was thinking, you know, that maybe they're right. Maybe we should stop massacring everyone in our path."
"Then you're free to walk out that door and go back to your shack."
"Ooh. Touchy, is he? But he couldn't give a damn, I s'pose. Killed one, killed them all. Doesn't make a difference."
Funny how their conversations always turned to dangerous baiting. Sanzo had had enough of it for one day... or a week, or for the rest of his life. "If you want to talk philosophy, Hakkai is just over there." He stepped away, and headed for the door.
*
They were halfway down the road out of town before they met the crowd.
Every villager, even the children -- especially the children -- had been turned out and stood, blocking the road. Small hands grasped any manner of weapons they could find, and determination set their faces... but terror lurked in their eyes and was betrayed in the tremble of white knuckled hands.
Sanzo cast an eye over the assemblage, and took a deliberate step forward. There was an aborted shuffle as the closest children stumbled backwards before remembering to stand their ground.
"Sanzo..." Goku said, inching forward, readying himself to summon Nyoibou. "If I take out--"
Sanzo extended an arm and shoved him backwards. The youkai followed his every move with wide eyes. Mei was nowhere in sight, but he could feel the chill of her gaze falling on him, challenging him, daring him to give the order to attack.
The corner of his mouth twitched in a humorless smile. He glanced around once more, and they flinched under his dark gaze. Then he spoke.
"If you truly believed yourselves capable of killing us, you would not be hesistating now. If you truly believed that you could win, you would be descending upon us as I speak." His low voice cut cleanly through the stillness, weaving an invisible web about them, snaring their attention.
"Yet you do not. You see your brothers' and fathers' deaths in our faces, your revenge hanging within your grasp, and yet you do not move." He took another step forward, the crunch of sand underfoot painfully loud. No one moved.
"And I could cut you down, every single one, here and now, but yet you do not strike first." There was a ripple of anger at that, and clumsy grips on various weapons tightened. Sanzo smiled sardonically, emanating relaxed confidence.
"You hesistate, for this path was not one you choose willingly, nor one that you are ready to take." He glanced down at the nearest child, who cowered.
"Those who kill must be prepared to be killed in turn," he intoned quietly. "That is the Cycle of Karma." The words fell into the silence, each one echoing like the clap of an invisible gong.
Sanzo looked up again. "You are not ready to be killed." And he strode forward.
The crowd melted away from him. It seemed as though no one moved, yet a path opened for him, and for the others who followed silently after. Goku stared at Hakkai in wide-eyed wonder, and the other responded with a slight smile and a rueful shake of his head. Gojyo wore a look of dry amusement on his face.
Sanzo was almost clear of the circle when someone struck. Movement exploded from the side, a shapeless blur. Goku tensed to spring forward, a cry of alarm on his lips. But before he could move, the movement came to a grinding halt. Sanzo grabbed the descending arm at the wrist, and with a sharp twist, snapped the bones. The knife that would have embedded itself in his throat clattered away to the ground.
It was Mei, eyes burning with hatred, lips twisted in a snarl. Sanzo regarded her dispassionately.
"I have tried to kill you," Mei spat. "Would you kill me now? Priest?"
Sanzo did not reply immediately. There was a wail, somewhere in the crowd... a child calling out for his mother.
"You've certainly butchered your fair share of youkai," Mei continued. "What's another one? And another?" She glared at him. "Kill me. I am prepared to die."
Wordlessly, Sanzo released her arm. As Mei gaped at him, he turned and walked away.
"Coward!" Mei cried. "Fool!"
He paused and half turned, silhouetted against the setting sun. The wind brought his words to her ears: "I would not damn the rest of this village by giving them a reason to kill." An almost hesistant pause. "You have two young children. Who will they look to when you are gone?"
"You would kill them without a second thought," Mei said. "Like you killed their father. And so many others. As you slaughter youkai on this Quest... crusade ... of yours."
A glitter as light reflected off amethyst eyes. A sigh, so soft it might have been imagined. And that voice, calm and clear. "I travel to the West to curb madness, not to cause it."
Mei watched as he departed silently. Only after all five had disappeared into the deepening gloom did she allowed the tears to fall. On either side of her stood a young youkai child, and their expressions were thoughtful.
-End-
A/N:
1. As for what the rest of Sanzo-ikkou think... and whatever conclusions Sanzo's come to, I leave it up to you to imagine.
2. As for this being out of character... it is not entirely implausible. I do believe that the guys are more than just killing machines.
3. I apologize for not doing a Hakuryuu interpretation ^_^.
4. Dedicated to my beloved grandfather, who was called home to the Lord on April 30th, 2004. Rest in peace.
Alternate archive:
Echoes from the West: