The Leaf's Knucleheaded Fishcake Is Actually the Infamous Black Sweeper of Tokyo-3?
Plot: [AU] Namikaze-Uzumaki Naruto. An ignorant, delusional fool who, despite his vast (hidden) intelligence, went around causing trouble and had the absolutely delusional dream of becoming Hokage - a position of a village that hated and loathed him, just because of who he was. In one timeline, he would have been struck by a massive case of chunnibyou (middle grade syndrome) and as a result, became a cold and cruel schemer who hid his plots and manipulations behind a cleverly crafted mask of stupidity, eventually becoming the dictator of what was essentially a one world tyranny centered around the Hidden Leaf.
But, what if things were to turn out a little differently? A mission gone bad, and a epiphany while scheming leads to a journey of introspection and self-discovery, and as a result the vast ambition and keen mind of the Uzumaki heir and son of the Yellow Flash turn towards a different, hopefully brighter path.
Many years later, in a quiet suburban community across the sea in Nihon, Sengoku 'Konoha' Nadeko encounters someone familiar while attempting to hide from a certain dhampir and his partner, and the world is never the same.
Chapter 1: Hope Riding Alone, with a Glimmer of Light
[Abandoned Housing Scheme]
[Kuoh Prefecture, Kyoto]
[Dai Nippon Teikokku]
"H..huh?!"
The ROOT death squad that had been sent to take out the "demon" on the orders of the half-blind, paralyptic walking corpse that was their master lay scattered about the floor of the long abandoned mansion, torn apart as if by a wild animal. Sasuke was the first one to notice this, ironically due to the fact that he was the first one to be on location and also because he never truly trusted his teammates, nor the chaperones accompanying the mixed teams of young shinobi for this particular mission. The duck-haired Uchiha skidded to a squeaky stop at the sight of the mangled corpses, his legs losing all strength as he dropped to the ground on his knees. "Oh my Kami, who could have done this?"
The figure hidden by the countless shadows that skittered across the desolate house huffed in what appeared to be an expression of bored disgust, his trenchcoat flapping in the soft wind that had kicked up across the desolate land. "Don't you people ever learn? Even in this boring ass suburb in the ass end of Kuoh, a guy still can't catch a break. And you ignorant fools have the absolute gall to call yourselves, enforcers of the peace. What a sad, and absolutely pathetic joke,"
Itachi's younger brother almost retorted with a smart-ass remark, but the pit-pat of feet rushing towards their location caused him to shut his mouth. And this turned out to be a good thing, as his squadmates and the other ninja teams accompanying them just had to get their nosy asses involved in the issue.
"Sasuke!? Where the hell were you dobe... don't just cut and run like that man!" The arrogant yapping of one Inuzuka Kiba, the Rookie of the Year for Sasuke's generation and village heartthrob due to his status as the only eligible male Clan Heir due to the demise of the Uchiha clan under highly suspicious circumstances caused the 'last loyal Uchiha' to shiver in his boots. [1] The brown-haired feral boy most likely meant well in his teasing and mocking of the supposed 'dead last' of the Konoha 11, but didn't they see he just wanted to be a normal boy?
Why was everyone in Konoha just so damn...stupid? It was a question that had dogged the Uchiha heir ever since he was old enough to think and it was eating away at his mind now, as the younger brother of Uchiha Itachi struggled to understand what exactly was going on around him at this current moment.
"Well, well. It seems like the entire circus came out today. Who knew that the village idiot and everybody's favorite punching bag would be so important, that they'd send out their best operatives as well as a team of fresh off the boot camp child soldiers to try and deal with poor old me, who's only an ordinary human with no real power. Guess I must have gotten lax in my research, or else I would have noticed the honored Fourth was my sperm donor sooner [2],"
The ROOT operatives hidden among the capture squad went ballistic at this callous revelation of what was supposed to be a S-class state secret punishable by expedient demise and bum-rushed the mysterious nuke-nin, tantos drawn and out for blood. [3] Unfortunately for them, they didn't even get the chance to even approach this mysterious shadow-cloaked figure, as a purple blur materialized out of nowhere and started tearing the mind-controlled robot killers to pieces.
Kakashi attempted to react, to attempt to defend his students and his fellow Konoha nin, but before he could even move a muscle, he found the cold steel of a kitchen blade on his neck.
"Don't you dare. The only man that could ever touch me is Kyon-kun, and even he is not allowed to even lay a hand on that wretched Third Child. Only I am allowed to slay that beast walking about in the guise of a , and even with my current level I doubt I could do much except aggravate the brat and hasten my demise in the process,"
The remaining Konoha nin drew their weapons and attempted to defend themselves against these two unknown threats, but felt themselves starting to shiver and shake as their bodies began to take small steps away from the situation unconsciously. Unfortunately for them, their path of escape had long been blocked.
"Seems you got yourself in a bit of trouble there, watashi no otto (my dear husband)," A short huff, as the slicing, twanging, and clanging of blades being drawn echoed through the normally desolate mansion. Sasuke cursed under his breath and lit an incendiary kunai before lobbing the makeshift explosive as hard as he could towards the scene of a battle between one of the Konoha nin sent as "backup" and a rather cute middle school girl wearing a yellow hoodie. [4]
The crude explosive soared toward its target before prematurely detonating mid-flight, causing Sasuke's Sharingan active eyes to widen in surprise and quite a bit of fear. But he didn't have time to worry about that, as his trusty chokuto was engaged in quite the fierce clash with a rapier-style blade being expertly wielded by a rather short middle-school girl, clad in what appeared to be a heavily modified version of a knight's armor modified for females. Her long dark purple hair swished from side to side despite being tied in a neat ponytail, and her sizable bust bounced up and down as she prepared to engage what appeared to be a rather strong opponent. [5]
"Hey, you!"
The boy whose hair was done in the manner of a duck's butt frowned at the unfamiliar greeting, but still tried to maintain his poker face.
"The Hero Village is getting rather boring, and Rias-sama hasn't really given me the chance to go all out! So, you and your idiot friends will have to do for now!"
Their swords clashed once more, frantic spinning of the unevolved three tome doujutsu meeting the impassioned amber of the crypto-nekoshou as they prepared to face off once more.
Kiba, who was always quite the hothead back in Konoha and never one to back down from a fight, had charged head-first into the battle and was now engaged in some rather fierce hand-to-hand combat with a cute blonde girl who seemed to be more concerned with trying not to get hurt than anything else, redirecting his wild blows with carefully timed strikes and applying well placed blows to his body whenever she had the chance. The Inuzuka heir put up a valiant fight, but even that wasn't enough to save the feral boy from the deceptively cute monster he had the utmost misfortune to charge straight into. [14]
A single well-placed uppercut, and Kiba slammed into the ground with a loud SMASH around the same time his most ardent fangirl, a pink-haired washboard of a girl with the tactical brain of an ant and the manners of a pig, hit the wall of the abandoned factory with a sickening crack that left craters in the structure for years to come.
The blonde girl, who was busy adjusting the zipper of her blue jumpsuit in what appeared to be a rather foolish attempt to hide her figure and her rather sizable bust raised an eyebrow before frowning at the presence of a rather obnoxious brunette that was currently in the process of cleaning her rather sharp katana, the latter's sizable curves and buxom bosom being accented further by the rather form fitting white kimono she was clad in. [6]
"Seriously, Yukie-oneesan? Big brother's literally in danger, he's on the verge of being kidnapped by a literal cult of black ops from Yankeestan who seem think they're ninja for some odd reason and you find time to be doing..." The busty yamato nadeshiko took one look at the complaining blonde and stuck her tongue out, the white cat ears on top of her head twitching as her white tail waved from side to side. "This? Don't you have any shame or some other emotion resembling that?"
A small, subdued voice that sounded like it belonged to a elementary school child, interrupted their would-be argument.
"I don't think you'll have to worry about Amakura-kun...sorry it's Hyoudou-san, or should I say Araragi-sama having to take care of himself, as he seems to be having quite the ball with the knife wielder and the other goons accompanying that tobacco puffing clown," The two girls glared at each other before unsheathing their respective weapons and wreaking havoc on a few Konoha nin and ROOT operatives that had been ignored by the other girls in the chaos of the battle.
Meanwhile a certain lazy Nara, who had the misfortune to be the opponent of a certain blonde bishonen who happened to be the Knight of one Rias Gremory, was struggling to understand exactly what was going on during this current time of chaos. As he parried one of the former church servant's seemingly endless blades with his shadow and leapt to the side to avoid another lightning blast from the sadomasochistic half-fallen miko who had accompanied the handsome blonde on this particular excursion, he found his mind slowly going back in time to the exact period when they had gotten this mission.
The Konoha 11 had just been minding their own business, just trying to deal with the stream of missions that kept on coming their way and the strain of life in general, when they had been called into the Hokage's office via an urgent summon.
At first, they were told that this mission was supposedly a simple grab-and-bag operation, i.e find a troublesome nuke-nin (missing ninja) that had been giving the council of Konoha quite a bit of trouble for some time, nab the culprit when he was alone and then bring the suspect back to the village for questioning. Quite easy, right?
Well, if you told the pineapple haired boy that the terror group known as the Akasuki had recruited some new members and that this current situation was a demonstration of the skills the rookies had to the top brass, he would not only agree with you but ask you how the man known only as Pain had gotten so lucky. [7]
The infamous Copy Nin, the man who was said to have taken on Kages and even the infamous Demon of the Hidden Mist, was getting his ass handed to him by a crazy civilian girl afflicted with albinism and a rather severe case of "psychotic wanna be loving housewife syndrome'. Inuzuka Kiba, the strongest of the current generation, had been laid out flat by that weird blonde girl with the pointed ears and the rather numerous jonin guard that had accompanied the Konoha 11 and their jonin-senseis was slowly being thinned by that strange samurai girl with the cat ears and tail. [8]
And the worst part about the whole matter, was that the person the Konoha shinobi had been assigned to capture hadn't even really moved much since they had encountered him, merely moving from the position he had been ever since he had torn those strange Konoha nin to pieces to deal with a few nonaffiliated Konoha nin that had been in his way, and blocking Asuma's furious strikes with just his glove covered hand, as if he was swatting a fly. [9]
It was as if this mysterious nuke-nin, no the Yellow Flash's hidden love child turned uber-powerful reclusive traitor, had attained a level of power so great that he considered the rather large impromptu battalion sent to capture him merely an annoying nuisance, an interruption to his otherwise perfectly normal daily life.
And this was what truly worried the analytical young man who was the heir of the Nara clan. He really didn't care much about the other rouge nin that had accompanied this strange runaway Namikaze, considering the gender of most of them and the looks of love on their faces it was clear what they were really there for.
If this were to ever become public...
The Nara heir didn't get to finish that particular thought, as his concentration slipped for just a brief moment and the full force of Kiba and Akeno's attacks slammed into him with the force of a jackhammer.
By the time a certain brunette heiress in the last year of middle school had decided to reveal herself to the brawling shinobi and magi, the vast majority of the Konoha nin had been defeated and the creature had been known as the Third Child to NERV and the now defunct SEELE and the "Black Sweeper" to the people of Tokyo-3 and EVOL had made his swift escape, although he didn't leave unnoticed.
A few days later...
[Living Room]
[Hyoudou Family Mansion]
[Kuoh]
The Gremory heiress let out a soft sigh as she glared at the girl that had once been known as the First Child, making sure to push Issei's head further into her gigantic breasts while doing so. A certain glasses-wearing Student Council President scowled angrily at this overt display of affection by the mostly clueless literature teacher, but held her normally sharp tongue and remained mostly silent when she realized that even that wild mutt Kazuko had strong feelings for their beloved onii-chan.
"So you're saying Miss Ayanami, if this is indeed your true identity and all of what's going on right now isn't some sort of sick joke cooked up by either my brother or the idiot I'm currently engaged to as some sort of bad joke to mess with me," Mayuzumi and "Gasper", who had long given up the excuse of pretending to be a rather effeminate and underdeveloped boy and was now trying to readjust to just being an ordinary middle school girl, stopped arguing with each other and gave both Rias and 'Miyako' a glare that could make an entire forest wither and turn to dust when they both heard the name "Ayanami". "that you came to Kuoh in order to reunite with Issei-kun, but while making your way over to our house you encountered this...let's see if I can get the name right this time...Nathan Wavewind character, who was in the process of brutally dismembering a hit team of specially trained mind controlled sleeper assassin ninja concealed within the Special Activities Center of the Agency...what's next...the clueless child hiding in the corner gazing at my husband with a look of pure love and lust not even Ajuka's clan could hope to replicate turning out to be the secret heir of the Amagi Zaibatsu?" [10]
The seductive redhead huffed in boredom and a bit of disgust, as a cute brunette girl around 14 years of age stumbled out of her hiding place near the corner of the room and dashed toward the still-catatonic Hyoudou, the bounce of her mid-sized bosom being barely hidden by her purple spaghetti top. Her short white dress fluttered as she ran towards the secret love of her life, seemingly uncaring of the situation that was occurring or why her precious onii-chan was trapped in the arms of a strange woman. All she knew was that her beloved had finally returned and that she could see him once again.
"KOYUMI-NII-CHAN!" [11]
The normally stoic and no-nonsense Kiba couldn't help but crack a smile at this honest expression of great love, even Akeno had to drop a bit of her sadist guise when she saw exactly what was going on. Koneko (who was now in her nekomata form with short-cropped white hair and yellow eyes) and Christine/Cecilia/Milly shared a conspiratorial grin that would have had Issei shivering in fear, if he was even conscious enough to realize what was going on. [12]
Rias and "Miyako"/Ayanami Rei both scowled at each other, then decided to turn their attention to the newest competitor in their quest for a certain Hyoudou boy's hear. But they wouldn't get far, as a certain pair of Fire Sisters and even the normally shy Matou heiress, had decided to express their love for their beloved onii-chan.
Nobody noticed the rather inconspicuous bishonen with one eye covered by his long black hair, shaking his head in disgust and worry as he fidgeted with the cuff-links of his smart tuxedo suit as he observed the situation from the safety of his hiding spot near the same corner a certain Sengoku had emerged from.
"And people wonder why we loath and despise those ignorant primates known as humans. I wonder what the Amagi's pet killer would have to say about this, witnessing the only girl he ever truly loved in the arms of another man. But knowing how much of a clown he is already, I doubt he'll even notice, the poor fool. But these idiots in black cloaks with red clouds running around claiming that the time of God's judgment is near...maybe I could use a bit of enjoyment,"
Finally turning his eyes away from the disgusting sacrilege in front of him, the mysterious pretty boy vanished from the scene just as Rias and a very surprised Irina who hadn't even gotten out of her black ops outfit as yet, prepared to drag Issei into the bedroom to commemorate their honeymoon. [13]
[1] With Naruto not present in the village for Iruka to spoil and be a menace to the peace and safety of Konoha's residents, Sasuke would quickly take Naruto's place within the canon story as Danzo and the elders have a greater influence within village policy. Due to his status as a clan head and the only male in the younger generation with some sort of useful skill, Kiba would quickly become the Rookie of the Year and the favored one among the older generation.
[2] Due to deciding to finally making a break for Konoha as a very young child and living a rather harsh life on the unforgiving streets of Tokyo-3, everyone's favorite knuckleheaded prison outfit-loving moron [or hyper-distrustful,misanthropic reclusive genius in the case of this fic] was finally able to put his rather quick brain to work and put two and two together regarding his supposed heritage. He still has no idea that the Uzumaki was actually a clan, or that his birth mother was actually the previous Jinchūriki of the most rage ridden of the Ōtsutsuki siblings, but he does know quite a bit of sealing and utilizes his near limitless energy and stamina in both combat and civilian life. Though he's still quite confused as to why he has X-ray vision that can see chakra points...
[3] Due to Naruto's 'disappearance' and supposed death in the Konoha legal system and a series of other unfortunate events befalling the Hidden Leaf Village after this, Danzo was able to pull a coup in Konoha and effectively run the village from the shadows using a figurehead. The US federal government has no real idea of what's going on, but ROOT's policy has some quite nasty after-effects in the underdeveloped world...
[4] I decided to include everyone's favorite pair of would-be vigilante, ass-kicking brocon pair of fraternal twins from Ishin's groundbreaking doujin of Negima!? Magister Negi Magi, because who else to deal with a black ops death squad of sleeper agent faux shinobi who's upper echelons run the US government from the comfort of anonymity and through a series of proxies than a bunch of relatively untrained middle school girls with some training as kunochi and miko respectively, whose main desire is to become their older brother's wives?
[5] Yes, "Toujou Koneko" is the public alias of one Nonoka Kurumi in this fic. Her elder sister Yuki was discovered by a certain Generalissmo...sorry NERV executive when she got lost in the forest as a child and was quickly brought back into the twisted 'family' Ayanami Yui and Gendo Ikari had built for themselves via the organization. "Rei" was able to come to her senses after managing to avoid a joint SAT-Kōanchōsa-Chō operation, but her loyalty to her biological father has now been transferred to a certain Hyoudou boy now pretending to be a lecherous pervert.
[6] Valerie Tepes was able to avoid becoming training material for the new recruits of the Soul Society by posing as a cowardly, underdeveloped and effeminate boy named Gasper Vladi, unfortunately she was picked up by one Rias Gremory and became a key member of the seductive redhead's peerage. The nekomimi no bushiko (warrior catgirl) she is talking to is a amalgam character of Mayuzumi Yukie from the DxD prequel Majikoi: Love Me Seriously, Ikaruga from Senran Kaguya and Shinomono Houki from Infinite Stratos, with the backstory and race of the titular character of a certain shounen harem manga distributed by Monthly Dragon Age from 2006-2013 and then licensed for US publication by Yen Press in 2010.
[7] Shikamaru is a narcoleptic genius who could give the likes of Dr Hans Kammler and the Russian Pan-Slavists who started WW1 a run for their money, but he was raised in a village of mercenaries on the outskirts of the former Wild West by a clan of mutants who still seem to think that the Warring States period of Japanese history is still going on. Of course, he's going to get things wrong, especially when he's in a battle for his life.
[8] Although the Konoha nin are quite strong and a danger to even a unprepared unit of Russian OZNAZ [Spetnaz] or US Delta Force warriors due to their chakra based abilities, bloodlines and attacks, they are still mercenaries who operate under the delusion that they are the heirs of the shinobi. On contrast, the Fire Sisters of the Koyumi family, the Gremory peerage members and their reluctant ally in a certain future kendo champion aka neko ayashiki-shinobi trying hard to be a samurai girl and failing, the Ashford heiress who accompanied the Fire Sisters and Houki/'Ikaruga' on their trip to 'check' up on a certain brown haired Red Dragon Emperor, all have at least some level of real combat experience and are not held back by the Geneva Convention, or any code of honor that regular soldiers have.
The fact that Japan has a rich history of supernatural creatures, events and other arcane events compared to the United States' covert shadow governments of faux-shinobi and cultivators sharing an alliance of convenience to maintain their power only makes matters worse.
[9] This version of Namikaze-Uzumaki-Naruto was rescued from Konoha by NERV after attempting to escape the village as a very young child and has literally trained from birth to become a perfect fighter capable of taking on any threat short of a hail of bullets or WMDs. Compared to apocalypse-level threats such as EVOL and their enigmatic leader Haytani who almost destroyed the entire city in the canon of the Evangelion doujin Zetman, a relatively weak jonin like Asuma is no real threat to a being such as this.
[10] Although Rias is literally next in line to become the next queen of literally an entire nation of magical beings that have immense power in both the arcane and mundane worlds and is a skilled fighter in her own right, she's still a literature teacher at a private high school for rich kids in Japan. She still needs a bit of cynicism to make it through the day without going crazy.
[11] Yes, I decided to include the formerly white snake-possessed, braid-wearing, lovably naïve, and sadly too trustful heiress known as Sengoku Nadeko as one of Issei's actual sisters to spice things up. Don't worry, 'Karen Stadfield' (real name Araragi Kazuko) and Tsukihi are still the younger twin sisters of our favorite faux pervert, the girls just have different mothers.
[12] Issei really isn't good at hiding secrets, contrary to what he thinks.
[13] Considering how Irina acted around Issei when they reunited in New and how Rias always seems to be rather determined to solidify her relationship with the comically naive Red Dragon Emperor, I'm surprised that Ishibumi-san removed the EX novel series from the canon of DxD.
[14] Considering the fact that both Valerie and Gasper have been on the run for a very long time and the latter was trained by Rias Gremory herself, an overconfident clan heir given substandard training by a guilt-ridden former elite ANBU known for his 99.9 fail rate beforehand would not stand a chance against such a person even with Charlotte's weaknesses as a young lady raised in high society.