Muggle Movies 2: The Chamber

Part Two: The Hilarious Weasleys

Random film facts play across the screen…as well as advertisements.

HERM: (conversationally) So, Pansy, did you know that the actor playing Tom Riddle is really, really good looking?

PANSY: Er, no. But is he has hot as Sean Biggerstaff?

HERM: It's debatable, I'm sure.

PANSY: And, we shall debate.


HERM: Yes, yes, we shall. At some point if the film starts before I grow old enough not to care.

PANSY: It is splendid if he is as hot. Because then there's more eye candy!

RON: (to Harry) Did Pansy just say 'splendid' and 'eye candy'?

HARRY: (quietly) 'Fraid so. (Shudder)

DRACO: (mockingly) Potter, did you know that the actress playing little Weasley is actually attractive? In a young Weasley sort of way.

GINNY: (reddening) I'd watch your mouth if I were you.

DRACO: (Smiling) Oh, I AM watching your mouth.

RON: (menacingly) Watch it, Malfoy…

DRACO: (smoothly) Oh, chill, Weasley.

SNAPE: Gentlemen. May I remind you. Points.

McGONAGALL: Oh, honestly, Severus.


DUMBLEDORE: (chuckles) Oh look! The previews!

Previews begin.


RON: (rather loudly) WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

The entire theatre laughs and the lights dim.

Ten minutes later…

RON: Bloody hell, I hate previews.

DRACO: Could have fooled me with that great show of idiocy and the "WOOOOOO!" before.

GINNY: Hey, Malfoy? How much gel did you put in your hair this morning? A bucket?

DRACO: (haughtily) No, I used a hair charm. Why, d'you want some?


GINNY: (arms across chest and sulking) Hardly.

DRACO: (airily) Well, the offer stands.

HERMIONE: (gasp) Draco!

DRACO: (innocently) What?

HERMIONE: That statement had sexual undertones in it!

McGONAGALL: Miss Granger, lower your voice please.

SNAPE: Or I will take points. (glares at McGonagall, who glares back)

RON: Shut up, you lot---

SNAPE: (angrily) Mr. Weasley, do not tell your teachers to 'shut up'.

RON: (ignoring Snape) It's starting! WOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOT!!!!!!!

Since the rest of the theater agrees with this sentiment, nobody cares that he's made so much noise.

Harry Potter music plays…clouds appear, then the opening title: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Before the camera pans onto a bunch of houses.

DRACO: (blandly) Oh look. A Muggle village. (fake yawn)

HARRY: It's a neighborhood.

DRACO: I don't---- (cut off)

HERMIONE: (gasping scream) DANIEL RADCLIFFE!

Shows the Dursley's home, more precisely Harry's bedroom. He's sitting at his desk looking at something. Camera pans inside. We see what he's looking at. It's his photo album. With a photo of he and his parents and then one of he, Ron and Hermione.

PANSY: (squealing) YEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Daniel! (calmly) What's he doing?

DRACO: (sarcastically) Something dramatic, no doubt.

HERMIONE: He's flipping through a photo album. Awww, look. It's he, Emma and Rupert from the last film. How sweet.

Hedwig (owl) making odd hooting noises and trying desperately to get out of cage.

Harry: I can't let you out, Hedwig.

DRACO: Your owl is having a spaz attack.

HARRY: (angrily) I'd like to see YOU cooped up for an entire summer in a teeny cage with nothing to eat except left over soup.

Vernon Dursley: HARRY POTTER!

Harry: (to owl) Now you've done it. (gets up)

RON: (excitedly) Is this how your second year really started?

HARRY: (boredly) Not exactly.


DUMBLEDORE: (to Harry) Are you alright, Harry? Too much candy?

HARRY: (sitting up straight) No, sir. I'm just not too keen to relive this particular year.

DUMBLEDORE: (kindly) Understandable. You can leave at any time.

Vernon: And where will YOU be?

Harry: I'll be upstairs in my bedroom, making no noise and pretending I don't exist.

HERMIONE: (squealing like a teenage girl) He's so cute!!! What good acting!!

DRACO: (rolling eyes) And so it begins again.

PANSY: (not taking eyes off screen.) Don't worry, Drac. Tom does you justice.

HERMIONE: (nodding) And then some.

Draco raises an eyebrow, but says nothing.

GINNY: (quietly) I didn't realize Harry would be so cute on screen.

HERMIONE: (sincerely) I know, isn't he? So different from real life.


HARRY: (sarcastically) Well, that's hardly a compliment.


Dobby is jumping up and down on Harry's bed making weird happy noises.

Harry: Who are you?

RON: Shhh! Look at Dobby!

Dobby: I am Dobby the house elf, sir.


DRACO: God, Potter. Get my filthy house elf off your clean bed. And PLEASE make it stop with those odd euphoric sounds. It's creepy.

Harry: Not to be rude or anything, but this isn't a GREAT time to have a house elf in my bedroom.

DRACO: Nor is anytime.

GINNY: Dobby is really quite odd looking, and wears a tragically ugly tea cosy. I've never actually seen a house elf in real life.

DRACO: You wouldn't have, would you. Only rich people have them.

Ginny glares at the back of his head angrily.

PANSY: SHHHHH! Draco! Daniel's being cute!

HERMIONE: Oh yes he is!

Dobby slams head against desk drawers quite a bit. Harry tries, unsuccessfully to stop him. Vernon storms upstairs.

DRACO: (getting excited) Oh you're in for it now! Maybe some flogging?

HARRY: Oh, do shut up.

SNAPE: If I weren't enjoying this film so much, I'd take points. Don't think I won't.

Vernon: And get that door fixed!

PANSY: For a Gryffindor with a very unfortunate scar - he's cute!


DRACO: I've really never seen many Muggles, Potter - okay, none - but that dolt of a cousin is rather large.


HARRY: (half nod) He's larger now, unfortunately.

DRACO: (makes odd face) I actually feel sorry for you. (gasp)

Hermione, Pansy, Ron and Dumbledore (along with most of the rest of the theater) laugh as Mrs. Mason is creamed by the pudding.

RON: (sadly) And that was such a lovely pudding, too. Blast.

HARRY: I wonder who's side you're on. If you'll note, Dobby has just gotten my arse kicked.

DRACO: (pointing at screen) No, he's gotten bars on your window. That Dursley character is like my father. Are we---(gulp) related?

SNAPE: I assure you, you're not.

DRACO: Well, of course not. I am so much more attractive.

DUMBLEDORE: But, see what this film is doing for them once more? Bringing them together.


Snape rolls his eyes and turns back to the screen.

Vernon is putting bars on Harry's bedroom window as Harry looks on.

Vernon: Let's see you try to get letters to those freaky friends of yours now.

DRACO: I, sadly, agree with him on that. You DO have freaky friends.

Hermione and Ron are too engrossed in the movie to care.

Harry is asleep but suddenly wakes up at odd noise coming from outside. Puts his glasses on and crosses to the window. Off in the distance, two lights appear that turn into headlights and then a blue Ford Angelia flying, carrying George, Fred and Ron Weasley appears in front of his barred window.

Ron: Hi Harry!

Harry: Ron, Fred, George…what are you doing?

Ron: Rescuing you of course.

PANSY: Wow, Rupert's voice is so much lower. It's lovely.

Ron gives her an odd look that she does not see since she's watching the screen intently as Harry shoves his trunk into the back of the Weasleys' car.

GINNY: (yelp and gulp) Oh, God.

HERMIONE: (worriedly) What? Too many Sweedish Fish?

GINNY: No. (gulp again) Thank Merlin, screen Ron doesn't look much like REAL Ron.

DRACO: Oh yes, good call. We'd all throw up if he looked like the real Weasley. (Ron gives him a death glare)

GINNY: No, because…Rupert, is it?…he's CUTE!

Vernon: Petunia! He's escaping!

HERMIONE: Yes, he is. When this is over, I'll give you his fact file.

RON: (incredulous) You HAVE a fact file? And, I'm not hot?!

DRACO: Obviously you don't believe in mirrors, or you would know.

RON: Shut up, Malfoy.

SNAPE: (warningly) Points.

McGONAGALL: (also warningly) Boys.

Vernon pulls at Harry as Ron pulls him into the car. The car takes off and Vernon looses his grip, falling out of the window and into the bushes.

Draco, Harry and Ron all laugh heartily.

Ron: By the way, Harry. Happy Birthday.

DRACO: (stonily) Touching.

HERMIONE: Shut up, he's hot.

McGONAGALL: Miss Granger.

SNAPE: Points.

RON: (quietly to Harry) I hope Snape says more than 'points' sometime.

HARRY: I don't. 'Cause then he'd be actually TAKING points and we don't want that.

RON: (grinning) True.

The car is flying out of the sky towards a lop-sided house that is undoubtedly the Weasley home in Ottery St. Catchpole. The car glides to the ground, swerving out of the way of a pig pen.

DRACO: Weasley, you have PIGS?

RON: (blushing) No, not actually. We have chickens.

The boys are going inside the house quietly. Either Fred or George is shushing all of them.

DRACO: Odd door.

GINNY: Yes, it is.

Draco glances at her with an eyebrow raised. She stares straight ahead.

Harry, Ron, Fred and George are inside the Weasley kitchen which is small but homey. Dishes are being magically washed in the sink. Ron, Fred and George all pick up buns of some sort from the kitchen table and begin eating them claiming "Mum won't notice" and Harry goes into the living room where something is being knitted by itself. We see the Weasley clock, which is saying that Ron, Fred and George are now home.

DRACO: That's a bloody brilliant clock. (leans forward) I want one.

RON: (gasp) Wooooooooooooow.

HARRY: Don't say anything. He might be pleasant for awhile. (pause) I love the Weasley clock!

DUMBLEDORE: (quietly) At last, Harry is with us.

Mrs. Weasley comes down the stairs and begins screaming at the boys.
Mrs. Weasley: Where HAVE you been!? Beds empty, no note! Of course I don't blame you, Harry.

Ron: But they were starving him! There were bars on his window! (Harry nods)

DRACO: (grinning) Potter's speechless!

HARRY: I spoke too soon about him maybe being pleasant.

Mrs. Weasley: You better hope I don't put bars on YOUR window, Ron Weasley!
Ron gulps and Mrs. Weasley turns to Harry pleasantly.

Mrs. Weasley: How about a spot of breakfast?

DRACO: (laughing mirthlessly) Weasley! Your mum is hilarious!

HARRY: (quietly gasping) Something pleasant…sort of.

RON: (shrugs) It could be worse. He could be making comments about her 'plumpness'

DRACO: Don't think I won't. Also, stop being stupid Gryffindors. I can hear what you're saying.

Ginny flies down the stairs in her pajamas and stands in front of the breakfast table, where Mrs. Weasley is heaping food onto Harry's plate.

Ginny: Mum, do you know where my jumper is?

Mrs. Weasley: Yes, it was on the cat.

HERMIONE: (pleasantly) Ginny, you're cute.

GINNY: (giggles) Thanks.

Ginny sees Harry, eyes widen and she flees up the stairs.

DRACO: (same tone as Hermione) Ginny, you're odd. You're in love with Potter.

Ginny sticks her tongue out at Draco and turns back to the screen, a very red blush on her cheeks.

Harry: What'd I say?

Ron: Ginny. She's been talking about you all summer. Been annoying, really.

DRACO: HA HA HA HA! (calms down) Poor girl.

HARRY: Oh, shut up. She's not in love with me anymore.

GINNY: Harry! Shut up! 'Anymore.' Idiot.

HARRY: (eyes wide) You're still in love with me?

GINNY: (hotly) I never was you daft dolt!

DRACO: (chortles) She's telling you, Potter.

HARRY: Oh shut up.

SNAPE: Alright. That's enough. 20 points from Gryffindor. 10 from Slytherin.

McGONAGALL: (to Dumbledore) He's being fair?

DUMBLEDORE: (smiling) It appears so.

Mrs. Weasley: Your sons flew the car all the way to Surrey and back last night.

Mr. Weasley: Did they really?…How'd it go?

DRACO: (laughs) Ah…Weasley, your family. (wipes fake tears from eyes) God love 'em.

Mr. Weasley: I mean that was wrong. Very wrong indeed. Now, Harry. You know all about Muggles---

DRACO: From the look of it, it doesn't seem so.

Mr. Weasley: Tell me, what exactly is the purpose of the rubber duck?

DRACO: HA HA!!! Weasley…why didn't you TELL me your family was so funny?


RON: (mouth open) I…I…I dunno?

Errol slams into the window.

Draco laughs very loudly and nearly falls out of his seat. Pansy stares at him like he's lost his mind. Ron, Harry and Hermione all exchange looks. Ginny, eyes narrowed, watches as Draco gets back into his seat. Other movie patrons don't bother looking at him, since they're laughing as well. Albeit, not as loud or enthusiastically.

Percy, hair very messed up (much to Draco's amusement-he's holding in giggles) hands out Hogwarts letters to everybody.

Mr. Weasley: Dumbledore, doesn't miss a trick, that man.

Fred (or George): This lot won't come cheap, Mum.

Mrs. Weasley: We'll manage. (pause) There's only one place we can get all of this. Diagon Alley.

Scene shifts to Fireplace. Everyone is gathered around in their cloaks.

DRACO: (looking at Harry) You're going to travel by Floo-Powder? HA! (looks back at screen)

RON: Well, he's going to TRY to.

Ron gets into fireplace with Floo Powder in hand. He yells, "Diagon Alley!" and throws the powder down. Instantly he is engulfed in green flames and whisked away. Ginny looks away.

Mrs. Weasley: Your turn, Harry. It's very easy. Don't be frightened.

Harry looks very nervous and scared, but steps forward and takes the powder. He gets into the fire place, says "Diagonally" and disappears into green flames.

Mrs. Weasley: What'd he say?

Mr. Weasley: Diagonally

Mrs. Weasley: I thought so.

DRACO: Oh no, Potter! Where do you end up!?