Muggle Movies 2: The Chamber

Part Three: Pimps Galore

Harry, very sooty, falls out of chimney into a dark room. He puts on his broken glasses and stands up.

DRACO: You're in Knockturn Alley, aren't you?

HARRY: YOU would know.

DRACO: You say that like it's a bad thing.


HERMIONE: Well, it is.

Hand grabs Harry's hand and clamps shut on him.

DRACO: (doesn't care about Harry's hand) Who's side are you on?

Many audience members jump. Ron is biting his fingernails; Ginny looks bored; Pansy is stricken, watching as Harry gets his hand undone.

HERMIONE: (doesn't care either) I'm on no one's side.

DRACO: Well, you should be on mine.

HERMIONE: (honestly curious) Why?

DRACO: (turning completely around in his seat) Isn't it tedious to always agree with Potter and Weasley all the time? Wouldn't you like to shake things up a bit?

HERMIONE: (thinking) Well…yes…

DRACO: Potter, I cannot believe you ended up on Knockturn Alley. That is simply hilarious to me. I mean, The Boy Who Lived…in such a shady place as THAT!

HERMIONE: (changing subject) Oh, look, there's Hagrid. Do turn around in your seat.

McGONAGALL: Yes, Mr. Malfoy, sit down.

Hagrid: Harry?
Harry: Hagrid!

DRACO: Lovely script writers. (rolls eyes)

SNAPE: Mr. Malfoy. Points.

Harry: What were YOU doing down there?

Hagrid: Looking for Flesh Eating Slug Repellant.

Hermione comes out of shop, dashing towards them.

Hermione: Harry! It's so good to see you!

DRACO: Get acting lessons, Granger.

HERMIONE: (glares) Shut up. That's not ME.

DRACO: Wow…you've certainly gotten better looking since the first movie. Imagine what you'll look like when you're of legal age. (cat calls) Wowza.

RON: (snickers) Draco just said Wowza.

DRACO: You just called me by my actual name.

Hermione: Come on, Harry. Everyone's been so worried.

Hermione and Harry go into Flourish and Blotts and see all the Weasleys, plus many witches.

DRACO: (bored) Where am I already?

HARRY: Well, in actuality, I met in you in Mr. Borgin's shop…or rather, SAW you. You were skulking about with your awful father and pestering him about buying something dreadful.

DRACO: You were IN there?

HARRY: Er…yes. Your father was selling things to Mr. Borgin because of all the Ministry raids.

RON: Bloody hell! They cut a scene!

GINNY: (soothingly) I'm sure they'll cut more, Ron.

Ron: Mum fancies him.

Mrs. Weasley hits Ron.

DRACO: (cheerfully) I do love your family, Weasley.

GINNY: Better not say that too loudly, it'll crush your image.

RON: (incredulous) Do you mean to say, they actually CUT a scene? Wickedness!

HARRY: Ron, you sound like a person straight out of Salem 1692. Careful, there.

Gilderoy Lockhart is going on about himself.
Lockhart: Is that Harry Potter?
Photographer grabs Harry and throws him towards Lockhart, who pulls him nearer.

Lockhart: We'll rate the first page, you and I.

HARRY: What a git.


DRACO: I second that.

DUMBLEDORE: Whether that be true or not, boys, please refrain from speaking ill of your past professors.

Lockhart tells everyone he's going to be the DADA teacher and gives Harry all of his published works which Mrs. Weasley reverently takes and says she'll get them signed. She tells everyone to go outside. At some point during this bit, the camera pans up and we see Draco Malfoy for the first time on screen. He's watching, looking bored.

DRACO: WOOOOOOOHOOOO! It's me! And I do look handsome! Wow!

RON: You sound like me. Shut up, you dolt.

SNAPE: 10 points from Gryffindor. And 10 from Slytherin, Mr. Malfoy. You'll attract attention to yourself.

Everyone stares, surprised that he's actually taken points off…again.

DRACO: I ALWAYS attract attention to myself. It's a Malfoy curse.

HARRY: What, that's the ONLY Malfoy curse? Isn't being a great git a curse?

DRACO: Potter, watch it.

SNAPE: Watch it, boys.

McGONAGALL: We WILL take more points. Now, quiet.


Draco Malfoy tears a page out of a book and pockets it, then goes down the stairs to stand in front of Harry.

Draco: Bet you loved that, didn't you Potter? Famous Harry Potter can't even go into a bookshop…

PANSY: (breathless) Wow.

HERMIONE: (breathless) Wow.

RON: (aggravated) What are you two going on about?

HERMIONE: (points shakily to screen) Look…look at Draco.

DRACO: (smugly) I'm a sexy bitch.

HARRY: You just called yourself a female dog.

DRACO: (calmly) No, actually. I called myself a bitch, which in America is actually a term meaning…something or other. I picked it up from Austin Powers, the film. Wonderful film. Anyway, I complimented myself.

RON: Wow, something new for you, Malfoy.

Ginny: Leave him alone.

Draco: You've got yourself a girlfriend!

GINNY: (Laughing) Hardly!

HERMIONE: If only Draco were that good looking in real life.

DRACO: (put out) Hey!

HARRY: She's only stating the truth.

DRACO: (scoffing) Ha.

Lucius Malfoy appears on screen, pushing a very annoyed looking Draco out of the way.

PANSY: ARSE! He pushed Draco off screen!

DRACO: Good God. When did my father become a pimp?

In spite of themselves, Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny all burst out laughing. Draco is not sure why, exactly, as he's only telling it how it is.

Harry: Voldemort killed my parents. He was nothing but a murderer.

Lucius: You say the name freely.

Hermione: Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself.

Lucius: You must be Hermione Granger…

Draco nods, while also glaring at Hermione.

Lucius: I've heard so much about you. And your parents…Muggles.

DRACO: Funny how he knew that.

HERMIONE: Well, you apparently talk about me all the time.

DRACO: Yeah, I complain about you.

HERMIONE: Oh, is that all?

DRACO: What are you implying?

RON: Quiet. Malfoy's awful father is now making fun of us.

Lucius: Vacant expressions, red hair, tattered books…you must be the Weasleys.

RON: He sounds just like you, Malfoy. And that is NOT a compliment.

DRACO: (nose in the air) I sound nothing like my father, Weasley.

Arthur: It's mad in here, let's get outside.

Lucius: Arthur Weasley…

Arthur: Malfoy.

HARRY: YES! This is when Mr. Weasley kicks Mr. Malfoy's arse!!!

DUMBLEDORE: (chuckling) As wonderful as that sounds, Harry, please keep your voice down.

DRACO: Yeah, Potter. And, by the way, Weasley's father does NOT kick my father's arse.

Lucius: See you at work.

Draco: See you at school.

He does an interesting little eyebrow raise (that looks more flirty than menacing) and struts from the shop.

HERMIONE: OH GOOD LORD.


PANSY: Swoon.

HERMIONE: He must do that more often.

PANSY: Oh, I hope he does.

DRACO: (attempting eyebrow raise) That?

PANSY: Good try, Drac…even though you look bloody hot, it's not the same as Tom looking bloody hot.

Car outside Kings Cross Station, Weasleys are walking briskly to Platform 9 ¾.


RON: WHOA! WAIT! BLOODY HELL!!

HARRY: DAMMIT! They cut the scene! I wanted to see some blood! And flailing limbs!

SNAPE: 30 points from Gryffindor. Quiet down, gentlemen.

HARRY: (glumly) But there's no fight!

DRACO: I agree that this is very, highly unfair.

SNAPE: POINTS.

Fred, George, Percy, Ginny, Molly and Arthur go through the barrier at Kings Cross.

Harry and Ron get a running start and barrel towards the brick wall, only to crash into it. Harry flies off to the side, Ron flies over the trunks and gets up, rubbing his leg.

DRACO: (chuckling) HAHAHA. Potter. AHAHAHAHA. Weasley. HAHAHAHAHA. That must have hurt. HAHA.

RON: (pleasantly) Malfoy, your straw.

DRACO: Hmmmm? (wiping tears from eyes from laughing so hard)

RON: (growling) Your straw is begging to be shoved up your arse.

SNAPE: (sternly) 10 points from Gryffindor.

Harry and Ron both look hopelessly to Dumbledore, who has no intention to reinstate any of the points taken.


AngryWorker: What do you two think you're doing?

Harry: ………Sorry….lost control of the trolley.

Ron: Why can't we get onto the platform? (hits brick)

Harry hits the brick listlessly.

DRACO: That a boy, Potter! Hit it! Hit it! It'll open up for you and your superhero powers!

Many people in the theater (including Harry) glare at Draco and he slides further down into his seat.

Harry: Maybe we should go wait at the car.

Ron: (gleam in eyes) The car…

DRACO: AH HA! So THIS is how you managed to find a flying car! Your Muggle-loving father CREATED it! HAHAHAHA!

SNAPE: 10 points from Slytherin.


McGONAGALL: (gawking) Severus…

SNAPE: Is 20 more suitable to you, Minerva?


McGONAGALL: What? Uh…no, no. It's fine. (gawks more)

HARRY: (to Ron) Snape is really enjoying the movie.


RON: Scary, really.

Harry: Uh…Ron? Muggles aren't really accustomed to seeing a flying car.

Ron: Oh, right. (hits button on dashboard and air-born car becomes invisible)

DRACO: I want a flying car.

RON: Yeah, everyone does. (grins) Look at me go! I look good! (shakes head in happiness) Bloody brilliant, I am.

DRACO: (rolls eyes) Yeah, wait until you hit that damned tree…you won't be laughing then.


RON: (gulp) Oh, right. The tree. How'd you know about that?

DRACO: (airily) I know about all of the Dream Team's expeditions. It was all over the school.

Ron: Now we just need to find the train. We shouldn't be too far from it.

Train whistle.

Ron: We must be getting close. (looks around excitedly)

HERMIONE: (giggles) Ron, you look so cute!

Harry and Ron turn to each other. Ron looks horrified…very rightly so. The train is behind them, making lots of noise. Ron and Harry turn to see it, as well as Hedwig who is obviously animatronic but looks funny scared. Harry and Ron scream like girls.

DRACO: (laughing) Ahhhh Weasley. Look at you. NOW who looks like they're going to pee their pants?

RON: I wouldn't laugh, Malfoy. You ALWAYS look like you're going to pee your pants.


DRACO: (sneers) I have no retort to that…but someday I will.

Harry falls out of car, holds onto door.
Ron: HARRY! Grab on!

Harry: I can't! Your hand is too sweaty!

DRACO: (tutting) Weasley, Weasley, Weasley.

Ron manages to pull Harry into the car and Harry shuts the door.
Harry: I think we found the train.

Ron: Yeah.

DRACO: Oh, well spotted! (turns to Snape) Honestly, why would someone make movies about Gryffindors? Why don't they make a 'Draco Malfoy and the Defeat of Harry Potter' movie?

SNAPE: (honestly) Probably because you've never defeated Potter.

DRACO: If it's fiction, what does it matter?

PANSY: Draco, please be quiet! The tree is coming up!

DRACO: (looks back at screen) Oh good. I wanted to see this.

Ron: Welcome home.

Car flies by castle, dipping up and down and making odd car noises.

PANSY: (dryly) How sweet.

Harry: Pull up!

Ron: I can't! It's jammed! (pulls out wand and hits it against steering wheel. Wand breaks.)

Car falls into Whomping Willow and is stationary.

Ron: (sadly) My wand!

PANSY: I love that voice!!!

McGONAGALL: As we all love Mr. Weasley's voice when it cracks like that, I won't be taking points…but keep your voice down.

Tree branch rams into car.

Ron: (scared) What's happening!?

HERMIONE: Ron! You're so cute when you're scared! Listen to that voice!


RON: (proudly) I know. I am so cool.

Tree hits car so much that it falls onto the ground. Ron peels out and drives away. The car throws Harry and Ron out, as well as their luggage and animals. Car drives off, boys follow. It goes into the Dark Forest and the boys stop running.
Ron: Dad's going to kill me.

DRACO: Not if you tell him Muggles made you do it.