Muggle Movies 2: The Chamber

Part Four: The Importance of the Evil Laugh

Harry is muttering about everything that's gone wrong and says, "Someone doesn't want me here." and then he and Ron bump into Filch.

Filch: My, we are in trouble

DRACO: Hehehehehe


HERMIONE: You did not just say 'hehehehehe?'

PANSY: He did.

HERMIONE: He doesn't say that.

HARRY: Yeah, you need to make it more evil. Like Bwahhhhhahahahahha.

DRACO: That was too much wahhh, Potter. It's more like, 'Bwahahahahahahawahhhahahah.'

RON: That's too Dr. Evilish, Malfoy.

DRACO: You've seen Austin Powers, Weasley?

RON: At Hermione's this summer.

DRACO: Oh of course. Well, you're right. I hate to say that, however. But you are. What's a good evil laugh, Professor Snape?

SNAPE: SHHHHHHHH! Draco! I'm trying to watch me get angry at Potter!

Snape: You were seen! By no less than SEVEN Muggles! (shows Daily Prophet and flying car on front page)

HARRY: He's being so overly dramatic.

PANSY: Yes, but he does it so well.

Ron and Harry exchange a glance of confusion, but shrug it off.

Snape: As it is----
Dumbledore: They are not.

Harry: Professor Dumbledore. Professor McGonagall.

RON: GO DUMBLEDORE!

MOVIE PATRON#1: SHHHHHH!

Ron sticks his tongue out at her and goes back to the movie, looking sour.

Ron: I guess we'll go and pack.
McGonagall: Pack, Mr. Weasley?

Ron: We're being expelled, aren't we?

McGonagall: Not today, Mr. Weasley.

PANSY: I wish she'd stop saying 'Mr. Weasley' so much. It's annoying.

HERMIONE: I agree. And where is Oliver, already!? I'm getting impatient.

DRACO: Well, that's obvious. (grins) Don't get your knickers in a twist.

HERMIONE: Don't worry. You have no effect on my knickers.

Overview of the castle, camera pans into one of the greenhouses. Professor Sprout enters with earmuffs over her ears.

Sprout: Today we're going to repot mandrakes. Who here can tell me the properties of the mandrake? Miss Granger.

Hermione: The mandrake, or mantegora, is used to restore those who have been petrified. It's also quite dangerous, the mandrake's cry is deadly to anyone who hears it.

DRACO: (sarcastically) Good enunciations.

HERMIONE: (glowers) Oh, be quiet.

RON: He's right though. It's getting a bit old. It started out kind of cute in an annoying way. Like you are normally, but now it's just annoying. The cuteness factor is gone.


Hermione hits Ron in the back of the head. Draco applauds like they applaud at golf tournaments.

SNAPE: (distractedly) Five points from Gryffindor.

Sprout: Wonderful. Five points to Gryffindor.

Ron and Harry look at Hermione very happily.

SNAPE: Don't think you're actually getting those.

DRACO: I wish Potter and Weasley hadn't looked so pleased. It was ridiculous.

HARRY: Very much agreed. We looked like dolts.

Sprout tells everyone to put earmuffs on. Draco does so very quickly and efficiently, not wanting to be knocked out. Once everyone has done this, Sprout pulls a mandrake from a pot and it emits an awful scream. Sprout puts it in another pot and covers it with soil all the while explaining what to do. Neville passes out.

Sprout: Oh Longbottom's been neglecting his earmuffs.

Seamus: He's just passed out, ma'am.

Sprout: Yes, very well, just leave him there.

DRACO: HA HA! I wish she were like that in real life towards Longbottom! It'd give me a good laugh in that horrid class.

Everyone pulls their own mandrakes out of the pots looking horrified. Draco, however, sticks his finger in his mandrake's mouth and it bites him. Draco pulls his finger out looking very, very angry and ready to hit the mandrake.


PANSY: Ooooh! I love that face!!!

HERMIONE: Oooh, yeah, me too!

Draco, Harry and Ron all exchange looks of shock once again. Draco's is considerably more shocked, but soon turns into a smug expression.

Sir Nicholas says hello to Penelope (who has no lines, and probably not a credit in the credits) and Percy, who says hello back.

DRACO: What was the POINT of that scene?

HARRY: I dunno.

Ron is trying to get his taped up wand to work. Ron: Say it, I'm doomed

Harry: You're doomed

Colin: Hey Harry! I'm Colin Creevy! I'm in Gryffindor too!
Harry: Hi Colin. Nice to meet you.

DRACO: That dolt is such a …dolt.


HARRY: Good one.

Erol brings howler to Ron.

Seamus: Look everyone, Weasley's got himself a howler!

[excessive shouting from Mrs. Weasley]

RON: Well, there's Seamus' one line in the entire film.

Howler sticks 'tongue' out.

HERMIONE: (angrily) Oh, it doesn't do that!

RON: No, but it is quite cool looking, isn't it?

DRACO: There's that sister of yours, what is she doing in these films anyway? I hope she hasn't got more lines than I do.

RON: How could she when every scene you're in, all you do is talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. Like a broken record or whatever.

HARRY: We're all slipping in our comebacks. I think we should have a class in school about that.

HERMIONE: (laughs) A Comeback Class? HA.

Gilderoy Lockhart's classroom.

Seamus: Cornish Pixies?

RON: Oh, there's one more line.

HERMIONE: Lockhart's better looking in the film than he is in real life.

PANSY: I am inclined to agree.

HARRY: I have never heard Pansy say "inclined" in her entire life.

Pixies wreak havoc in classroom.

DRACO: That man is such a pansy.

PANSY: (affronted) Watch who you're calling a pansy, Malfoy.

Oliver: Where do you think you're going, Flint?
Flint: Quidditch practice, Wood.

HERMIONE: OLIVER!!!

PANSY: (high pitched squeal)

MOVIE PATRON #2: WILL YOU BE QUIET!?

HERMIONE & PANSY: Oh do shut up.

DRACO: OH HO! This is my big moment! (listens carefully with ear turned towards screen)

Draco: You filthy little mudblood.


DRACO: WOOOT!

HERMIONE: That was really, really rude, Draco. (teary eyed)


DRACO: I know! I'm an arse! But that was SOOOOOO good!

Ron's wand backfires and he ends up belching/throwing up slugs.

PANSY: (huffily) That was not enough Oliver.

DRACO: Didn't you enjoy seeing my scene, Pans?

PANSY: Not so much, no. I want more Oliver.

DRACO: Oh come on. You love me. I'm a sexy beast.

PANSY: Meh.

Draco gives Harry and Ron looks of contempt and then turns back to the movie.

The trio are at Hagrid's; Ron is throwing slugs up into a large pail. Hermione is crying.

Harry: Malfoy called Hermione…a…I don't know what it means, actually.

Hermione: He called me a mud blood. It's a really foul name for someone muggleborn. Someone like me.

DRACO: This is a really touching moment and all, but where am I?

RON: Silly Draco, tricks are for kids.

DRACO: What, Weasley? Have you lost your Muggle-loving mind?

RON: That's my dad, Malfoy, not me. And shut up, by the way. It' s an advertisement on the telly.

DRACO: I know what it is, thanks.

RON: How, exactly?

DRACO: *Rolls eyes* Watch the movie.

Harry is having detention with Professor Lockhart.

Lockhart: Celebrity is as celebrity does, remember that.

RON: What the bloody hell does that mean, anyway?

HERMIONE: Well, I have no idea.

PANSY: Where's Oliver?

DRACO: Did Granger say she had no idea? (Gasp) That's a new one.

HALF THE MOVIE THEATER: SHUT UP.

Harry: Spooky.

DRACO: Also kind of stupid.

RON: Aren't you peeing in your knickers from fright, yet?


DRACO: (evil eye) No, I expect you are, though.

Harry is walking through the darkened hallways feeling along the walls hearing an odd disembodied voice that is talking about ripping, tearing and killing.

Hermione and Ron show up.

Hermione: HARRY!

DRACO: I must say that at least your acting has improved since the first film.

Teachers nod approvingly of Draco's assessment.

DRACO: (evil grin) Instead of looking and sounding extremely constipated, you now look and sound only a tad constipated.

McGONAGALL: Fifty points from Slytherin.

SNAPE: Malfoy, do quiet down. Some of us are trying to watch Potter loose his mind.

DRACO: I didn't realize Potter could hear voices no one else could. He really is completely bonkers.

McGONAGALL: Malfoy.

HARRY: Yeah, watch it. At least I'm not evil.

DRACO: That one's getting old, Potter.

Harry, Ron and Hermione are looking at spiders scuttling across the wet hallway floor.

Ron: I don't like spiders.

DRACO: Poor Ronny. Hermione will protect you, won't you, Granger?

HERMIONE: (narrowed eyes) Shut up, Malfoy.

DRACO: That is not what you told me last night. (suggestive eyebrow wiggle)

SNAPE: (amused) I believe I heard sexual undertones in that statement.

RON: Did the wiggling of the eyebrows give it away?

SNAPE: Two hundred points, Weasley.

RON: (outraged) For what!?

SNAPE: For disliking spiders. They are wonderfully amazing creatures. (Turns back to movie)

RON: (quietly) They're disgusting.

DUMBLEDORE: (soothingly) You will not have two hundred points taken away, Mr. Weasley.

RON: (Sticking tongue out at the back of Snape's head) Thank you, sir.

SNAPE: Watch it, Weasley. (grinning) Seriously, watch the movie. You're so frightened of me. HEHE!

HARRY: He didn't just giggle, did he?


HERMIONE: (scared) It seems so.

PANSY: Where's Oliver?

DRACO: Pay attention, I think Filch is going to cry about his dreadful cat.

HARRY: (looks) No, now Snape is sticking up for us. It's an odd day.

RON: I'll say.

HERMIONE: Yes, but when does Oliver come back on?

PANSY: OOOOH, and that lovely Christian Coulson.

SNAPE: All in due time, I'm sure.