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I lost weight again. It's a reaction for stress, I think. An effect of sitting in front of a computer too much, maybe. Or I just forget about eating. That one too.
My Stranger came to me couple of times. These were short visits. I don't have any dreams lately, only this one about silver stag and dark forest repeats.
Oh, and there's a new sign on my hand. "All these moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain".*
Ah, a prick of pain. I've got neurosis. At least my mom says it's neurosis. Sometime I feel pain in chest. Near the heart. Sometimes on the other side. Once I took some pills, but they almost made me faint.
And suddenly, there's a thought. It appears all of a sudden in my head. I feel it. I feel it's presence. I cannot catch it yet, it still goes round between cells, creeps slowly, grows up to come out of the concealement… I reach hands to catch it, embrace it…
…and it's gone. It escaped again.
Once more I feel prick of pain. Sometime I wonder if I will die young. People like me don't live very long. I wonder I someone will notce, when I'm gone. Well, I know someone will, my mom for an example. But someone, you know, "important".
I still feel it. It's in me. Am I very sick, or is it really just a neurosis?
I really should go sleep.
*
I'm almost awake from a strange dream (must note it, must note it… I can hear the voice in my head) when I turn in the other side of my new bed. I love it. My own bed. Yeah. Oh yeah. Cool.
By the corner of the eye I notice something lying next to my head on the pillow, but I wanna sleep some more… just a couple of minutes…
What?! Something lying next to my pillow?
My eyes open suddenly and I see a piece of paper. Old paper. Very nice paper, I like that kind. And it has a sign. It says… oh my God, it says "Wake up".
His writing. Sharp, black atrament.
Damn him. How… oh, right. He can do things like that.
But how dared he?
Wait, there something on the other side of this paper…
Natalie,
how about going on a walk? Maybe you have some new dreams to tell me about? I'm waiting at 3 p.m. behind your block. Please, be so kind and show up punctually, as I cannot wait too long. I believe you know why. Thanks in advance.
Regards,
Severus Snape
The Potions Master
Gotta get up and welcome the morning!
*
Five to three. I'm waiting.
Hmm, it's so quiet. And windy. It's always windy here. I know it's connected with the architecture of blocks, but only generally. Anyway, I like it. My Zodiak sign is Aquarius, wind is my element. Well, actuallny I was born on the edge of two signs – Aquarius and Pisces, so it's wind and water. Funny thing, because these two signs are completely different from each other. I checked it many times. And people often say, that I have features of both signs. Maybe I'm mutually exclusive (heh, that would explain many things).
"Were you waiting long?" I hear from behind. God, he frightened me. He walks very quietly, normally I hear people coming. Normally I can recognize them from the way they walk – I know when my mom's coming home at the moment I hear her coming out from the lift, for example.
"No, not at all" I reply.
He guides me. I know where we are going. There's a park a couple of streets forther. I go there usually to smoke when I must think over some serious things.
"Um… will you tell me where did the idea of going for a walk came from?"
"We must talk" I hear.
"We could do this at home"
"Does that disturb you?"
Ah, one word too much again.
"No, not at all. It's even nice weather" I say. I do not know what to say.
"I wanted you to go for a walk for two reasons" he says "One: we must talk in private and I would like no one unnecessary to eavesdrop it. Two: you need to have some fresh air. You don't go outside except going to school"
"How do you know that?" I stop, partially because I think it's none of his buisness and partially because he's right. I don't.
"I know" he just replies. Yeah, right!
"And who might have hear us?"
"You don't need to know that"
"Oh, I think you could tell me if it's…"
"The less you know the safer you are" he cuts in.
"Am I in some danger?" my eyes widen.
"Not yet" he smirks.
"Pity" I smirk too "My life is so boring"
He doesn't answer for this.
"So, you do want to talke with me 'in private'. What is so importans then, that it cannot be discussed at home?"
"You're sarcastic"
"I lear from the best" I smile.
"Did you have a new dream?" he asks.
"Yes. There was… a rat. Big, grey rat with one hand silver. It as fighting a black dog. Or maybe it was wolf, I don't know, it was dark. And there was this silver sta, it was fighting a giant snake"
"Nothing new, I'd say" he murmured.
"What do you mean?"
"Nothing. Tell me more"
"There was this strange sound… something between hiss and squeak, constantly. And then there was dazzling green light, everything went black. Then red. And…"
"Yes?"
"I saw myself. And my hands. In blood. I was looking at myself in this dream, you know, and I was… I don't know, too calm. My hands were… in blood"
"Wounded?"
"I don't know, maybe. Horrifying thought, anyway, to have hands hurt. I wouldn't stand it"
"Why?" he's suddenly interested.
"I play piano"
"You've never told"
"You've never asked. Besides, I thought…"
"What?"
I grin and look at him.
"Nothing".
There's not much people I the park when we walk there. After few circles around I ask:
"Is that everyghing you wanted to tell me?"
"No. I've got… I want to ask you something"
Oh my.
"Hit me"
"Don't talk to strangers"
I start to laugh, a bit nervously.
"I would take that serious, miss Stuart" he says, suddenly coldly.
"It's Natalie Haven't you told me some time ago that I'm safe?"
"I cannot protect you all the time"
"You protect me?! From what?"
"The less you know the safer you are"
I don't like it. Stop playing with me.
"Curiousity killed the cat" I mutter.**
"Certainly. So, promise me not to…"
"Yes, yes, I promise. What else?"
"Try not to write to me anything now. I will leave you notes"
"Why? Does somebody reads them?"
Can you stop asking questions? I cannot answer. Maybe you will know soon, but let us hipe you won't have to"
"You're mysterious"
"I have to, if I want to keep you in safe"
I will not ask again who is up to catch me, but apparently, there is someone!
"Yes. Good. And one thing more. Don't tell anyone, just anyone about your dreams"
"OK"
Hmm, he's a bit suprpised that I agreed so quickly. I grin again.
"OK" he repeats thoughtfully.
"Now, will we go back to my home?"
"We may"
Ah, such a kindness!
"Thank you"
I will beat you, I think to myself. I will discover this someday. I'm not a bloody little girl, who cannot be informed 'bout anything!
Then, Professor cleans his throat.
"So, about your dream…"
*
"How do you know when I'm alone or that nobody will see your letters and read them?" I ask him when we are at home. I thought about it lately and I find it quite interesting…
"Believe me, I have my ways"
"Oh, I know that perfectly. But how?"
He smirks.
"Magic"
I want to ask again, but he cuts in.
"You said that you play" he says pointing at my piano. I did. I've got eight years of music school finished, but last year I dropped it. Don't have time for everything.
"Sort of"
"Play something, then"
Yeah, right! What else would you like?
"A tea, if you don't mind"
"What?!"
He looks a bit stunned.
„Oh, that… I can… read some thoughts. Yes, you may say that. Some. Not every. It's just that one was very clear"
"Don't do that, please. It's a bit… uncomfortable" I say going to kitchen. So that's it. But how? I know wizards can do many things but that? Damn it, now I'll have to watch what even I'm thinking when with him!
*
"Play something for me" he repeats, when I come back with the tea.
"I forgot how to play"
"I don't believe you"
"I did"
"Don't make me please. I don't do that"
I smile. What would I play for him? Something I like, I think…
I sit on the piano chair and open the piano. Fingers did not forget the keyboard. So I start to play, my beloved one, Chopin. Prelude in e-minor.
Merlin, how it sounds! This instrument is completely upset. But I play, on and on and on. I adore this piece. I learned it by myself when I was ten, and repeated it through the years. I couldn't just forget it.
It ends very low.
I smile, turning back and looking at Professor.
"Play, come on"
"More?"
"Yes"
What would I play now? I don't know, I don't know… wait a minute, do I still have these jazz notes? My Gershwin? I would play that song…
I search the books on the piano. It's such a mess. But yes, I find it. Old jazzy song. "The man I love". I start to play, but I will not sing. Oh no.
He accepts it. I feel his look on my back.
And so we spend the evening this way, I'm playing and he's listening…
What is this game you are playing with me, eh?
A song for today: The Cardigans "My Favourite Game" (ah, first mystery)
* Obvious quote from "Bladerunner"
** Catty Elliott again. She uses that one very often… couldn't resist! J
(A/N: Guys, are you even reading this? I would like to see some reviews…)