Muggle Movies 2: The Chamber
Part Five: Undertones Gone Awry
Transfiguration class, Professor McGonagall is teaching them how to turn animals into water goblets. She asks Ron to demonstrate and he turns Scabbers into a hairy goblet with a moving tail. Hermione asks P. McG to explain about the Chamber of Secrets and she reluctantly agrees.
RON: (yawn) I already know all about the Chamber of Secrets. I read the book.
HARRY: You also lived it.
RON: Oh, right.
DRACO: You forgot about it, Weasley? Or did it scare you so much that you blocked it from your horrible memory?
RON: (grumble) Go turn yourself into a ferret, Malfoy.
SNAPE: I am ready to take ALL the points you have EVER received if you don't stop this constant ridiculous bickering immediately. SOME of us are TRYING to enjoy the movie and I'd APPRECIATE you allowing us to do so in SILENCE.
Everyone is silent for a moment; Professor McGonagall taps Snape on the shoulder and he turns towards her.
McGONAGALL: I'd just like to say that you put wonderful emphasis on the correct words. Well done. I'd give you points, but you are a professor.
She sits back in her seat and turns her attention the movie, leaving Snape dumbstruck.
The Quidditch scene. Harry is flying idly around, random Slytherins are getting goals and such.
PANSY: (squeal) Oliver! Oliver! OLIVERRRRRR!
HERMIONE: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!
RON: (quietly to Harry) Hermione just wooted.
HARRY: Yes, let's never speak of this again.
Oliver: Watch yourself, Harry!
Bludger slams into Oliver's broom sending him flying.
PANSY: (Scared) Watch YOURSELF, Oliver!
HERMIONE: (worriedly) I hope he hasn't gotten hurt. He does have bad luck in these films, it seems, even though his record in real life is much, much better.
DRACO: Not better than mine. I've never gotten hurt during a match.
Draco lands onto the pitch, looking very injured…at least in the groin area.
DRACO: (cringe) At least until now.
RON: That wasn't real.
DRACO: Oh, right you are.
HARRY: I think you should keep quiet, anyway, after that little line, "You'll never catch me, Potter!" All that needed was a really awful evil laugh and it would be complete.
DRACO: I noticed it was a bit overly dramatic. It was as if Granger momentarily took over my actor's body.
HERMIONE: I will not grace that with a retort. Especially because I have NO idea what you meant.
Hermione stops rogue bludger from killing Harry, Harry thanks her.
Hermione: Are you all right?
Harry: No, I, I think my arm is broken.
Lockhart and random others appear on scene.
HARRY: Oh good God, not him.
DRACO: You sound remarkably like your movie self.
HARRY: (angrily) Can you blame me?
DRACO: (pause) No, not really. He is a daft oaf.
SNAPE: (whispering) I think they're getting along.
DUMBLEDORE: (chuckling) Best not jinx it, Severus.
Draco is in hospital wing groaning and looking awful.
HERMIONE: Em…that groaning could be considered quite sexual.
DRACO: (wink) Well, only you would know.
HERMIONE: (blushes) Shut up.
PANSY: He looks hot doing that. (cranes neck) He's out of the shot now. Why must that dreadful nurse woman tell him he can leave!? Obviously he's in lots of pain.
DRACO: Thank you for caring.
PANSY: Not about you. I care about Tom Felton.
RON: OH HO! SHUT DOWN!
MOVIE PATRON: SHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
DRACO: It's SHOT down.
HERMIONE: Ron, you really should have taken Muggle Studies.
Ron ignores both of them.
Harry spits out Skele-grow.
Madame Pomfrey: Well, what did you expect? Pumpkin juice?
RON: (sticks tongue out at movie patron) Why don't you try having a little fun in life instead of shushing good, innocent people at theaters?
DUMBLEDORE: Mr. Weasley, you might not want to call so much attention to yourself.
Ron notices that half the theater is staring oddly at him.
RON: (ducks down into seat) Sorry, sir.
DRACO: (whispering to him) That was a small bit delayed, Weasley. Next time, if you're going to yell at a random person, at least do it directly after they make you angry.
Harry wakes up in hospital bed, Dobby on top of him.
DRACO: (jumps) WHAT THE HELL!?
PANSY: (Giggles) It's just a house elf. In the MOVIE.
DRACO: Yes, well, he is odd looking. Creepy, even, and it frightened me.
Dobby hits himself with Skele-grow bottle.
DRACO: I cannot even tell you how often I wanted to hit him in real life.
GINNY: Probably less than the times you ACTUALLY hit him. *scowls*
DRACO: (craning neck to look at Ginny) What are you doing here, Weasley?
GINNY: (huffs) I've been here all along. You were too busy ogling at Hermione or bickering to notice.
DRACO: Well, I've noticed now.
GINNY: (blushes) Fine, then.
HERMIONE: Are you alright, Ginny?
GINNY: (angrily) Yes, why?
HERMIONE: You've been rather quiet…
GINNY: I, unlike all of you, am actually WATCHING the movie. (looks at screen)
HERMIONE: Ginny, it's okay to have a crush on your brother.
GINNY: (looking sick and affronted) WHAT!?
SNAPE: (not taking eyes from screen) Points, Weasleys…er Weasley and Granger.
HERMIONE: (whispering) I only meant that the Ron onscreen isn't REAL Ron so it's okay to have a crush on him. You look rather ill, are you alright? Did you eat too much popcorn? Did you drink too much coke?
GINNY: Stop fussing, Hermione. I'm fine. And I do NOT have a crush on Ron.
DRACO: I should hope not, as we are not in Kentucky.
HERMIONE: Draco, that's a misconception.
DRACO: I sure hope Weasley's not developing a Kentucky state of mind back there. I have half a mind to crawl over the back of the seat and get her mind off the film.
Ginny sputters, blushes again and sinks lower in her seat.
HERMIONE: (glowers at back of Draco's head) Honestly, would you tone down the sexual undertones, please?
DRACO: Are you jealous?
HERMIONE: Of WHAT exactly?
DRACO: Me showing Weasley what a real man is.
HERMIONE: (Snort) I…I have no retort to that.
RON: OH BLOODY HELL! WATCH THE MOVIE!
SNAPE: (holds finger up) 10 points to whoever that was.
RON: (confused) You're giving me 10 points?
SNAPE: Yes, for shutting them up. This is not a teen angst story. It's a mystery! So stop with all the sexual tension! (heavy sigh)
McGONAGALL: Well said.
DUMBLEDORE: Look, everyone, it seems to be the dueling club scene.
Lockhart stands on podium, taking off cape.
Lockhart: Can everyone see me? Can everyone hear me?
DRACO: That dolt is so-----
HERMIONE: Don't finish that sentence.
Lockhart throws cape into crowd, girls squeal and grab for it.
RON: It's so sad how this resembles real life so much.
HARRY: Why?
RON: Those poor girls thinking Lockhart was all that and a bag of Cheetos. (crunches on Cheetos)
HERMIONE: Ron…did you sneak a look at my Muggle Studies book 'Teen Lingo and How To Use It'?
RON: (blush) Well, you're always telling me I need to take Muggle Studies.
DRACO: Hush, Weasley, I don't need to know anymore. I wanna watch myself beat Potter to a pulp.
HARRY: (laugh) Oh, I'd like to see you try.
DRACO: You will (points). Watch.
Snape: …You'll be sending Potter to the hospital wing in a matchbox.
SNAPE: Weasley, just for the fact that you are rather good in this movie, I apologize for saying that about your wand. I really did want to see Potter going to the hospital wing in a matchbox. I shouldn't have stopped Lockhart pairing you together.
RON: (quietly) I thought for a moment he had turned a new leaf.
HARRY: You were wrong.
Draco: Scared, Potter?
Harry: You. Wish.
PANSY: (SQUEAL) HOTNESS!
HERMIONE: (giggle) Wow.
GINNY: (goggle-eyed) I can't…I can't believe that.
HERMIONE: (laughing) Believe what?
GINNY: Harry! He's so cute!
HARRY: (stares at her) What?
GINNY: (sinks so low in seat she falls to the floor) Nothing. (cough) OH LOOK! WOOD'S IN THE AUDIENCE!
Girls all around are apt with attention at these words, but no one sees him.
RON: Whoa, Harry, look! You just flew into the air!
HARRY: (glumly) Yeah. (sarcasm) Wow.
RON: (laughs heartily) Oh, Malfoy, your groin will never be the same again.
HARRY: Maybe he won't be able to have kids!
DRACO: I'll find a way. Malfoys always do. (winks at Hermione and Ginny, who scowl back)
RON: (menacingly) Watch it, or you'll find yourself as a ferret again.