Muggle Movies 2: The Chamber

Part Eight: Hotness Causes Many Things

Ron is tugging on Harry's sleeve.

Ron: I don't like this…I don't like this at all.

Harry: Shush.

RON: Well, that was rude.

HARRY: Sorry, but you were annoying me.

RON: (shrugs) Understandable.

GINNY: (looking pale) Good Lord, look at all those spiders.

HERMIONE: You're not scared of them too, are you? Because if you are---

RON: You should leave right now. In fact, I think I will. (gets up)

HARRY: You've lived through this. Are you telling me you can't SIT through it?

RON: (gulps and sits back down) Fine. But I may need that barf bag after all. (looks at Ginny) Do you want one, too?

GINNY: No, I'm fine. I'll just throw up on Malfoy.

DRACO: EWWWWW! NO! DON'T! (throws arms over head to protect hair)

GINNY: That's right, do be careful of your hairdo.

Harry: You're Aragog, aren't you?

HERMIONE: Aragorn? What did he say?

RON: AraGOG.

MALFOY: This is not Lord of the Rings, Granger.

HERMIONE: (Slight gasp) You know Lord of the Rings?

MALFOY: Well, yeah, who doesn't?

PANSY: What is Lord of the Rings? It sounds dreadfully boring.


HERMIONE: They're books by J.R.R. Tolkien. And movies. The movies have a lot of attractive males in them.

PANSY: (excited) Like Sean Biggerstaff?

HERMIONE: (considering this) Yes, but many more than just Sean Biggerstaff. I should think you'd enjoy Orlando Bloom as Legolas. I, myself, prefer the hobbits.

RON: (angrily) You guys are missing the car scene! Pay attention! Wow. What a narrow escape!

DRACO: (rolls eyes) Weasley…oh, never mind. I haven't enough energy to muster a put down.

HERMIONE: That's a first.

DRACO: Well, there's a first time for everything.

GINNY: Would you two stop with the innuendos, please? You're making me ill, and I'm already ill from having to watch myself be controlled by bloody Tom Riddle.


DUMBLEDORE: (kindly) You may leave, Miss Weasley, if this bothers you at all. I'm sure someone will accompany you outside.

GINNY: (blushes) Oh, no, I'm fine. Thank you.

Lockhart: Books can be misleading.

Harry: You wrote them!


DRACO: What a twit. Lockhart, not Harry. (pause) Wait. Harry is a twit, also, but…oh whatever.

HARRY: You must be tired.

DRACO: Only bored from having to watch your newest escapade.

HARRY: I'm sure it's dreadful for you.

DRACO: It is. Imagine you having to watch a DRACO MALFOY movie.

HARRY: True. I'd probably throw up.

DRACO: I'm doing rather well, then, wouldn't you say?

HARRY: I suppose so.

RON: Why doesn't everyone shut up and watch the movie? I'm trying to concentrate.

DRACO: (seriously) You're way too much involved.

HERMIONE: I hate to admit it, but he's right, Ron. Maybe you should calm down a bit.

RON: (high voice) How can I? I look so bloody brilliant!

Moaning Myrtle: Hello, Harry. (giggle)

DRACO: Good God, Potter. Another admirer. Don't you ever tire of it?

PANSY: You have the same amount, Draco, and you never tire of it.

DRACO: So true.

HARRY: (rolls his eyes) Oh, come off it.

Harry: This is it. This is it, Ron. I think this is the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets.

DRACO: (annoyed) You think? Get on with it, for God's sake.

McGONAGALL: Malfoy. Just be quiet and watch the film.

SNAPE: Why is he not allowed to comment, when Weasley and Potter keep nattering?

McGONAGALL: (rolls eyes) Oh, I don't know. Just take some points off.

SNAPE: I thought we'd agreed not to do that this time, since it gave us headaches.

McGONAGALL: Yes, that is right. Well. We'll continue to ignore them all, then.

SNAPE: Good plan.

All the students gape; they had assumed the professors were asleep, as they hadn't said anything for quite sometime.

Lockhart's charm backfires, causing a bit of the roof to cave in.

Ron: HARRY! HARRY!
Harry: Ron! Ron, are you okay!?

DRACO: Once again I commend the writers of this film on their work. However, they are probably just going by what really happened…and we all know that Weasley and Potter are not exactly poets.

Lockhart: (wakes up) Hello. Who are you?
Ron: Um…Ron Weasley.

Lockhart: really? And, em, who am I?

Ron: (yelling) Lockhart's memory charm backfired!

Lockhart: It's an odd sort of place, isn't it? Do you live here?

Ron: No. (hits Lockhart over the head with a rock.) What do I do now?

GINNY: RUN LIKE THE WIND!


DRACO: Yes, quite. That Lockhart is such a dolt. I always knew that about him. He is very incompetent and shouldn't have been allowed to teach.

Ginny is lying on the ground, apparently unconscious. Harry races to her side.

Harry: Wake up.

Tom Riddle: She won't wake.

Harry: Is she--?

Tom: She's still alive, but only just.

GINNY: I know this is horrible of me to say, but he is so hot. Even in real life, as he was, you know, killing me and everything, I couldn't help but notice how attractive he is.

DRACO: You know, that bird looks like an old sock with sewn on wings and a beak. It's rather ugly.

HARRY: In real life, it's beautiful.

DRACO: Sadly, not on screen. Did you lend them an old sock?


HARRY: No. I heard they were going to use one of yours, but it was too smelly.

Harry: We have to get out of here. There's a basilisk---

Tom: It'll only come when it's called.

GINNY: Blah. Blah. Blah. (hides face) I don't think I can watch this basilisk thing.

Tom writes in air with wand. (Tom Marvolo Riddle - I am Lord Voldemort)

DRACO: I've always wondered what kind of a name Marvolo is.

HERMIONE: Probably a family one.

DRACO: Yes, I imagine so.

RON: So your middle name is Marvolo, then?


DRACO: (sneer) No.

Harry: Albus Dumbledore is the greatest sorcerer who ever lived!

DUMBLEDORE: So kind of him to say.

RON: Here comes Fawkes! With the sorting hat! This is getting good!

DRACO: You know, Tom has a point, even though he's completely mad. You'd think Dumbledore could send a bit more than a songbird and an old hat. Although, obviously Tom hasn't a clue what he's talking about, since phoenixes are very mystical creatures, and the sorting hat is obviously a bit more helpful than I ever gave it credit for.

Ron, Harry, Hermione and Ginny stare at him in shock.

DRACO: What?

Tom Riddle: Your bird may have blinded the basilisk, but it can still hear you!

DRACO: (rolls eyes) Talk about stating the obvious.

GINNY: Yes, but look how lovely he is. Tom, not the basilisk. That thing is ugly.


HERMIONE: (sigh) He is rather lovely, for an evil person.

DRACO: It happens, you know. Evilness is sometimes more attractive.

GINNY: Sometimes, sure.

The basilisk jumps out of the water, screeching.

Ginny, Hermione and Pansy all jump; the boys, sans Ron, look bored. Ron looks riveted.

DRACO: That thing is so fake.

PANSY: Well, duh, but it was still loud. (Bites nails) I hope Potter watches his step up there on that ledge.

DRACO: Since he's sitting right there, it sort of ruins the surprise ending, when he continues to be the Boy Who Lived, and not the Boy Who Was Eaten By A Dirty Great Snake.

RON: It'd be better if you came up with something snappier.


DRACO: I know, but I can only be the best about 99% of the time. The other 1% is me being average. (shudder) Horrendous.

Tom: Stop! No!
Harry stabs basilisk fang into diary. Tom disappears.

GINNY: (Squeak) NO!

HERMIONE: (puts hand comfortingly on Ginny's arm.) It'll be okay. It's for the better.

GINNY: I know. But it's like living it all over again. Only not.

DRACO: That was some nice special effects. I didn't know Muggles had it in them.

HARRY: Me either.

RON: Wicked.

Harry: Ginny.

Ginny: Harry. It was me. I swear, I didn't mean to. Riddle made me. And, Harry, you're hurt.

Harry: Don't worry. Ginny, you need to get yourself out.

DRACO: He says that a lot.

GINNY: He was very sweet, though.

RON: (wiping away tears) Oh, Harry…you saved my sister, and----(hugs Harry) You were brilliant.

HARRY: (awkwardly patting Ron on the back) Er, it was nothing.

Harry: (smile) It's only a memory.

DRACO: (annoyed) Sweet.

RON: (sniffs) How brilliant.

Everyone flies out of the Chamber on Fawkes's tail.

Lockhart: Amazing! This is just like magic!

DRACO: It IS magic, you arse.