"Lord Malleus!" Sebek exclaimed, and fought to stand, to show Lord Malleus the respect he was due.
His legs buckled immediately, the room swaying and growing dark. Soft hands grabbed him, guiding him down to a sitting position on the wood floor.
"Sebek, enough. It's okay," Lilia said. "You should be in bed. Did Trey not tell you to stay in bed?"
It wasn't Trey's fault. "I…I needed to see Silver," he said. "I heard you say…he won't wake up. I…" He swallowed, fear making it hard to voice the words. "Did I hurt him?"
"Silver will be fine," Lord Malleus said. "He merely needs deep rest after using such powerful magic. Right, Lilia?"
"Right. Silver isn't hurt—just very tired."
Relief flooded Sebek, and he sagged in Lilia's arms.
"Whoa. Silver needs his rest, and that is exactly what I should be telling you as well. Back to bed, Sebek." With a grip like iron, Lilia hoisted him up, supporting his weight on his shoulders when the room began to spin again. "Let's go."
Sebek almost resisted, not that it would have done any good. Moving away from Silver hurt, as though he was both abandoning him and leaving a person who had helped him, saved him, so effectively. Now he would be alone with his thoughts again, far from the lifeline Silver represented.
Alone with the two people he was positive he had deeply, deeply disappointed. He slumped against Lilia as the fae dragged him back to his room, his strength quickly fading. He wanted to belong. He had thought he belonged by Malleus's side.
But now…
"Sebek." Malleus wiped a tear off his cheek as Lilia took him toward his bed, and tilted his head. "Are you in pain?"
Sebek closed his eyes, unable to look at him. He couldn't find the words until he had finally laid back down on the pillow, blinking to keep more tears at bay. "I'm sorry," he managed. "I know I brought shame to you both. I'm so, so—"
"No," Lilia snapped, and Sebek's heart fell. Here it was. They would reject him. He would never guard Malleus. No more training with Lilia. Maybe he would even be expelled. Other students had blotted, he knew, but only housewardens, important people. Not weak half-fae like him who didn't belong anywhere.
Trey's words echoed. He knew he shouldn't be thinking like that, but—
And then Lilia spoke. "I'm the one who's sorry, Sebek."
He blinked, the shock chasing away the creeping despair. "Master Lilia?"
"I'm sorry too," Lord Malleus said. Sebek gave a strangled squeak.
"I should have seen what was happening before it happened," Master Lilia said. "I've seen overblots before. They've happened here before."
"I've seen them too," Malleus said, his eyes sad. "People here…don't look out for each other."
"And I should have looked out for you!" Lilia said. "Both of us should have. We're the Diasomnia housewarden and Vice housewarden, for the Thorn Fairy's sake. I thought…" Master Lilia ran a hand through his hair, his fangs showing when he bit his bottom lip in frustration. "Why didn't you…No. Can you tell me what happened, Sebek?"
Sebek's stomach twisted, shame coloring his face. "How can you think it's your fault? I disappointed you. Shamed Diasomnia." His voice cracked. "I attacked Silver. Injured other students. I'm just…" more tears fell. "A pathetic half-fae who can't control my own magi-"
"Sebek!" Master Lilia snapped, and for the first time he sounded truly angry. Sebek shut his mouth. "I'll not hear you talk about yourself like that. You sound like the most bigoted, ignorant fae from Briar Valley."
"There is nothing wrong with being half-fae," Lord Malleus said.
"I…I know that, Lord Malleus," Sebek said. He desperately wanted to believe it. But he didn't feel it. The taunts, the pranks, replayed in his mind, dim shadows.
"Sebek, talk to us. I'm not going to let you hide behind your fawning over us. Tell us what happened. Not what you did while blotted. What is hurting you?" Master Lilia's voice grew kinder. "If you explain it to us, we can help you. Although we'll help you even if you don't."
"I…" Sebek swallowed. His actions over the past few days replayed in his mind, hideous now that they were free of the dim twist of the blot. Overcome it. Master Lilia and Lord Malleus wanted to help him. But it felt so weak, so pathetic, to reach out. To bother such powerful fae, those he should be serving, not inconveniencing.
"It's not wrong to seek out help, you know," Malleus said. "That's why I have you and Silver."
The words gave Sebek a lifeline, both comforting and confusing. "But…you said you didn't need me," he said. "You're so strong. Why would you need my…our help, when we're so much weaker?"
"I never said I didn't need you." Lord Malleus tilted his head.
Sebek grit his teeth, and thanked Trey internally when it didn't hurt. "You said you didn't need me to guard you at all hours. That you'd be fine on your own!"
Mallus blinked, and looked to Lilia, like he had that day at breakfast.
"I told him to ask you that," Lilia said with a sigh. "I should have…no, regret is useless. I am sorry, though. It had nothing to do with you, Sebek. I simply wanted to encourage Malleus to meet other people on his own."
"Everybody avoids me," Malleus said. "They're afraid of me. Having guards can make that worse. Sometimes I want to be alone and see who I can see. Be open to meeting others. That's all. It has nothing to do with you or Silver being weak."
"I should have explained things to you better," Master Lilia said. "But it was Malleus' issue. And not one that strength or any number of guards can solve. Strength comes in many forms, Sebek, not just power. I hope you know that."
Sebek nodded. Talking to Trey had helped him see that.
"Besides, I thought you might enjoy the time off." Master Lilia sighed. "I know you—and Silver too—came from Briar Valley, trained as knights, and are studious. But...this is college! You're meant to relax some of the time. To meet new people, try new things, join a band or eat cakes all day or soak in warm ponds and enjoy your youth. I honestly thought that having more free time away from Malleus would help you. I never meant…" Master Lilia met his eyes, and Sebek noticed just how tired and contrite he looked. "I never meant to make you feel weak."
"Master Lilia," Sebek said, and tears welled in his eyes. But some of the rawness was gone, replaced by something warm. "I'm not…too weak to guard Lord Malleus?"
"Of course not," Lord Malleus answered, and again he seemed confused that Sebek was even asking. "Why would you think that?"
The words stung in his mind, and he spat them out, like ripping off a bandage. "Because I'm half-fae. Without you, Lord Malleus, I…I don't belong anywhere."
"No, Sebek," Master Lilia said, and he sounded like the general Sebek knew he was, a tone that commanded. "Why would you ever think you don't belong?"
Of course he couldn't understand. "You…" Frustration wormed in his chest, at the fact that Master Lilia and Lord Malleus, full-blooded, powerful fae, would never understand what it was like to be mocked, to have your family ridiculed, to know deep down that there was something different about you that all the others knew about and would use against you. To not be able to fully transform to one's fae form. To be…
He almost thought lesser. But Trey…Silver…they weren't lesser. But at least they belonged.
"Sebek, talk to us," Lord Malleus said, his voice quiet.
"In Briar Valley, I was always told I was weaker," Sebek said. "Here…I'm different." Not like Silver. "I just…" he wanted to yell, to scream, but he couldn't find the right words to shout. "My parents sent me away to find humans so I wouldn't be ridiculed by fae for being half-human. But I don't truly belong because I'm half-fae. I…I hate that!" he finally shouted.
He didn't hate humans. He didn't hate Silver, or think humans were weaker, but it was because of the human part of him that he was here, that he had overblotted, and he didn't understand it but he yelled louder. "I hate being half-human! I hate…" he stared at his nails that had sharpened to claws, and tried to relax, but the words came out anyway. "I hate what I am. Why can't I just be..." He closed his eyes, tears spilling over onto his cheeks, not sure how to end the sentence as thoughts of Silver went through his mind. The answer used to always be fae.
Strong, powerful, like a fae. Like Malleus. But Trey and Silver were powerful too.
"Sebek, do you hate your magic?" Lord Malleus asked quietly.
Sebek blinked. His lightning. "No."
"Do you hate your powerful bite?" Master Lilias asked.
His teeth were strong. Stronger, with Trey's paste and once the broken tooth grew back. "No."
"Do you hate your martial arts skills? Your powerful voice? Your work ethic? Your dedication?" They asked, one after the other.
Of course not. "No," he answered to all of them, his mind beginning to seize on what they meant.
"Aren't these all part of you?" Master Lilia asked. "So how can you say you hate what you are, when you're so many things? Human and fae…I know they seem important. But those things are just two of many of what you are. "
"I didn't choose you or Silver to train to be my guards because you were human, or fae, or half-human. I chose you because you were…" Malleus tilted his head. "Good at what you did. At whatever you set your mind to."
Sebek's heart thudded, and tears welled. "So…I belong?"
"Of course," Lord Malleus said.
Sebek gripped his blanket in his fists. There were no words to express his emotions. "Thank you, Lord Malleus!" he shouted through tears.
"You belong," Master Lilia added. "But remember this." He pointed at Sebek with a well-manicured purple nail. "You belong where you want to belong. No one—fae, human, beastman, mer, Fae Lord, King or Queen, whatever—can tell you otherwise, for any reason. Do you understand?"
Sebek nodded. The words settled like weights, not sinking in yet but heavy on his mind. Powerful. Maybe it was the creeping exhaustion, but he wanted to understand it, but couldn't. Not yet. "I…I think so. I'll try."
"I can say that your father understood it well, even if some of the ignorant fae around him didn't," Master Lilia added. "And I can—I will—remind you as many times as you need."
"You need to choose your own life," Lord Malleus said. "Not let others choose for you." His mouth turned up in a soft smile. "That's what you always say, Lilia."
"One day, you kids will get it. Probably in another millennium or so." He snorted a laugh.
Sebek smiled, and some of the heavy darkness began to wash away. He blinked, his eyelids heavy, the relief that he belonged—he still belonged—with Lord Malleus and Master Lilia suddenly letting him realize just how exhausted he was.
"Get some rest," Lilia said. "Malleus, you should go and tend to the dorm, but I'll be here, or at least in the infirmary, when you wake up, Sebek."
"Will you wake me up when Silver wakes up?" he asked.
Lilia smiled. "Of course."
"And…" one last jolt of anxiety. "Silver will be fine?"
"You'll both be fine. Rest, Sebek."
Silver's pleas echoed from before his blot. …Just rest.
Finally free of pain, Sebek let sleep pull at him, his mind thrumming with ideas.
He had always focused on being two things. But Master Lilia and Lord Malleus were wise. He was so many things.
And maybe he didn't have to hate any of them.