Everything was still and silent, apart from McG, who was jumping up and
down. Graham stared at her with that "I'm lame, can't run and stuck with a
bunch of loonies" look.
"Are you jumping or am I under-medicated?" he asked. McG grinned (scary)
"Both, I should think"
"Ooooooookay, that was random." Hermione said suddenly.
"Um, um, Snape, truth or dare?" Quirrell asked, breaking the flow of conversation.
"Dare" said Snape, distracted as Graham limped over to the other side of the room.
"I dare you to let Dumbledore put a spell on you."
Snape glanced at Dumbledore.
"This could go anywhere." He sighed, and let Dumbledore, who was currently hysterical for some weird, weird reason, put a spell on him.
Dumbledore said some sort of random magical word and Snape blinked, covered his mouth and just stood still.
"Well? What did he do?" Harry asked impatiently.
"Verily, he pisseth me off." Snape said, rolling his eyes.
"Why are you speaking like that?"
"Well, what ideas think you did cause me this injustice?" Snape asked sarcastically. Harry understood.
"Oh, is that what Dumbledore did?"
"Thou hast guessed correctly."
"What would you do if he did it again?" Hermione asked out of interest.
"Runneth like fuck."
"Thank you, Sevvie, for those wonderful words of wisdom." Sirius said sarcastically.
Pixie was hiding in a corner, scared of the loonies that surrounded her.
"Are you a Mary-Sue?" Remus asked suspiciously.
"No, but my friend is. She can kick everyone's ass, she gets loads of attention, she's beautiful, everyone fancies her, all heads turn when she walks in a room, Tom Felton and Orlando Bloom are her brothers and Alan Rickman is her father."
"Holy shit, that is a Mary-Sue!" Harry said, amazed.
There was a discussion going on between Severus and Graham, who seemed to have forgiven the latter.
"Nay, it is in my opinion that thou art mistaken" Severus said in his quaint new dialect "David Cassidy will be no more cute than Ian Hart."
"Ew, you like that git?" Graham said, turning his nose up. "But what about that cutie, Richard Roxburgh? Isn't he so mmmmmmm?"
Severus thought about this.
"Yes, mine imagination is thus agreeing with thine on this particular observation." He said, mentally licking his lips. (Random A/N want a clue? Check on google images)
"Oh, are you gay then, Severus?" Minerva asked.
"me? Nonononononononono! No. No." Severus said hurriedly. Minerva shrugged and said mildly:
"I'll take that as a "no" then."
"You do that." Muttered Graham, with that annoying 'I know something you don't know' expression that little kids have when you ask them where the sweetie jar is.
"shut up." Severus glared at the infuriatingly charming muggle.
"Hit me with your rhythm stick!" Quirrell sang in the corner. Graham looked at him weirdly.
"Is that an invitation?" He asked. Quirrell went Bounty White again and shook his head. Graham shrugged, thinking that there was an opportunity wasted.
"Little Bollock!" Albus yelled suddenly. This completely random and pointless comment sparked a whole new conversation.
"I've always thought that bollocks looked like that Gollum thing from Lord of the Rings." Ron stated matter-of-factly.
Severus chose that moment to slip off the bit of table he had been sitting on.
"Ouch, my Gollums!" He yelled, on impact with the floor. Everyone burst into insane creepy giggles, which freaked the author out even more.
About five minutes later, when people began to stop laughing for fear of their own sanity (what sanity?) some other random person piped up:
"Whee, aren't we deprived?"
"Graham, truth or dare?" Sirius asked, winking at Remus.
"Truth." Graham replied, not liking the looks on their faces, which grew even more terrifying now that their chances of fun had been spoiled.
"Why are you here?"
"Well, now, that's a very philosophical question..." Graham answered. Sirius rolled his eyes.
"No, I meant why are you HERE in Hogwarts, you prick?"
"I can answer that!" Pixie said kind of drowsily. "Graham Norton kicks ass, that's why he's here!" She hugged the comedian. "He didn't actually want to come in, but I said I'd buy him another spazzy suit, so he reluctantly agreed."
Remus looked stoically at Graham's suit, a kind of glittery blue thing, which no normal person should wear past that ol' front door.
"Is that the new suit?" He asked.
"Yup!" Graham said, giving a twirl. "It's gorgeous, isn't it?"
"An acquired taste." Remus answered carefully.
Quirrell stared at the wall opposite him.
"Hey, guys?" He asked. "Why are there little fluorescent lights on the opposite wall?"
"You're floating horizontally. That's the ceiling. Those are called candles. Welcome to the real world." Draco answered, rolling his eyes.
Willing hands tossed the ghost back into vertical positioning. He swayed slightly before crashing back down horizontally again.
"How many drinks have you had anyhow?" Draco asked, eyebrows raised. Quirrell held up a spectral hand, answering Draco's question immediately. 5 digits on a hand, remember! (ha - you lot thought I was gonna say fingers so you could say I was wrong, but I'm one step ahead of you - ha!)
Dobby came bounding up out of the kitchens wearing one of those "Kiss the Cook" aprons.
"Dobby has prepared lunch, sirs and misses." He squeaked, sounding as usual as though on helium.
Graham raised an eyebrow at the apron and thereafter followed an extremely embarrassing five minutes in which Dobby fled, terrified, and Minerva started berating the hapless Muggle.
"The apron told me to!" Graham said hysterically, trying to limp off.
"The apron said 'Kiss the COOK', you utter idiot!" Minerva yelled at him. Graham whimpered.
"It's not my fault." He mumbled. "The "o" looked a lot like a "c"..."
Dumbledore rolled his eyes.
"I suspect Dobby will be alright in an hour or two. Honestly, Graham, can't you double check?"
"I did double check." The man moaned. "That's how I realised it was there..."
"No, I meant... never mind." Dumbledore gave up.
Dobby walked back in wearing a new apron that said "I said kiss the COOK!" on it. Graham's mouth did the infamous "s" shape of um and he buried his head in his hands as the 3-foot tall elf glared at him.
"Dobby thinks that lunch will be in about half an hour, sirs and misses." He squeaked, not without reproach.
In the corner, Albus' mind had run off and was plotting some odd deranged evil again. Something about funny hee-hee-ha-ha nicknames so that the people who hadn't stayed over Christmas would be utterly terrified when those who had used funny nicknames.
He just had to slip them in...well, not to everyone, obviously. Harry and Ron seemed to have sorted theirs out already.
"Wasssssssssssssssssssssssssup, Crab of Ineffable Wisdom?" Harry asked Ron. Ron grinned like a loon on loon tablets (which he is, I must point out)
"Wassssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssup, Hairy Boozer?" He replied.
"What hell?" Ginny asked incredulously. "Hairy Boozer? Where did that come from?"
"Wassssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssup, Sugar Poof?" Harry asked, addressing Graham.
"The sky and the roof. At the moment. Leave me alone." Graham snarled.
'Sugar Poof?' Albus thought to himself. That was a good one. He would have to keep that for Graham. SP. Esspee. Funfunfun.
"Because the Honey Monster loves Sugar Poofs!" He sung happily. His staff and students glanced at him and manhandled him into a shopping trolley. The remains of the Christmas tree were thrown in on top of him (*See note at end of page)
"I think it safe to declare Albus deranged." McG sighed as the most respected wizard in Britain was carted off.
"He'll be back when they've sobered him up." Sirius said, shrugging.
Dobby sauntered in, using one eye to glare at Graham and the other to make sure the plates of food were put on the table and not on Draco's head, as the elf's former master was making threatening gestures about his hair being messed up.
Lunch is served.
(* note one - when packing wire baskets and shopping trolleys, it is traditional to place the most fragile items at the bottom)
*****************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~****************
Hi guys! This is a chapter from the heart. Sorry it's taken so long to type up, but my so called "mate" has either broken or torn a ligament (whatever that is) in my finger and I can't type properly.
I usually touch type but at the moment I'm back to the old "one finger" routine. It's so slow!
Ciao!
~Spunkz
"Are you jumping or am I under-medicated?" he asked. McG grinned (scary)
"Both, I should think"
"Ooooooookay, that was random." Hermione said suddenly.
"Um, um, Snape, truth or dare?" Quirrell asked, breaking the flow of conversation.
"Dare" said Snape, distracted as Graham limped over to the other side of the room.
"I dare you to let Dumbledore put a spell on you."
Snape glanced at Dumbledore.
"This could go anywhere." He sighed, and let Dumbledore, who was currently hysterical for some weird, weird reason, put a spell on him.
Dumbledore said some sort of random magical word and Snape blinked, covered his mouth and just stood still.
"Well? What did he do?" Harry asked impatiently.
"Verily, he pisseth me off." Snape said, rolling his eyes.
"Why are you speaking like that?"
"Well, what ideas think you did cause me this injustice?" Snape asked sarcastically. Harry understood.
"Oh, is that what Dumbledore did?"
"Thou hast guessed correctly."
"What would you do if he did it again?" Hermione asked out of interest.
"Runneth like fuck."
"Thank you, Sevvie, for those wonderful words of wisdom." Sirius said sarcastically.
Pixie was hiding in a corner, scared of the loonies that surrounded her.
"Are you a Mary-Sue?" Remus asked suspiciously.
"No, but my friend is. She can kick everyone's ass, she gets loads of attention, she's beautiful, everyone fancies her, all heads turn when she walks in a room, Tom Felton and Orlando Bloom are her brothers and Alan Rickman is her father."
"Holy shit, that is a Mary-Sue!" Harry said, amazed.
There was a discussion going on between Severus and Graham, who seemed to have forgiven the latter.
"Nay, it is in my opinion that thou art mistaken" Severus said in his quaint new dialect "David Cassidy will be no more cute than Ian Hart."
"Ew, you like that git?" Graham said, turning his nose up. "But what about that cutie, Richard Roxburgh? Isn't he so mmmmmmm?"
Severus thought about this.
"Yes, mine imagination is thus agreeing with thine on this particular observation." He said, mentally licking his lips. (Random A/N want a clue? Check on google images)
"Oh, are you gay then, Severus?" Minerva asked.
"me? Nonononononononono! No. No." Severus said hurriedly. Minerva shrugged and said mildly:
"I'll take that as a "no" then."
"You do that." Muttered Graham, with that annoying 'I know something you don't know' expression that little kids have when you ask them where the sweetie jar is.
"shut up." Severus glared at the infuriatingly charming muggle.
"Hit me with your rhythm stick!" Quirrell sang in the corner. Graham looked at him weirdly.
"Is that an invitation?" He asked. Quirrell went Bounty White again and shook his head. Graham shrugged, thinking that there was an opportunity wasted.
"Little Bollock!" Albus yelled suddenly. This completely random and pointless comment sparked a whole new conversation.
"I've always thought that bollocks looked like that Gollum thing from Lord of the Rings." Ron stated matter-of-factly.
Severus chose that moment to slip off the bit of table he had been sitting on.
"Ouch, my Gollums!" He yelled, on impact with the floor. Everyone burst into insane creepy giggles, which freaked the author out even more.
About five minutes later, when people began to stop laughing for fear of their own sanity (what sanity?) some other random person piped up:
"Whee, aren't we deprived?"
"Graham, truth or dare?" Sirius asked, winking at Remus.
"Truth." Graham replied, not liking the looks on their faces, which grew even more terrifying now that their chances of fun had been spoiled.
"Why are you here?"
"Well, now, that's a very philosophical question..." Graham answered. Sirius rolled his eyes.
"No, I meant why are you HERE in Hogwarts, you prick?"
"I can answer that!" Pixie said kind of drowsily. "Graham Norton kicks ass, that's why he's here!" She hugged the comedian. "He didn't actually want to come in, but I said I'd buy him another spazzy suit, so he reluctantly agreed."
Remus looked stoically at Graham's suit, a kind of glittery blue thing, which no normal person should wear past that ol' front door.
"Is that the new suit?" He asked.
"Yup!" Graham said, giving a twirl. "It's gorgeous, isn't it?"
"An acquired taste." Remus answered carefully.
Quirrell stared at the wall opposite him.
"Hey, guys?" He asked. "Why are there little fluorescent lights on the opposite wall?"
"You're floating horizontally. That's the ceiling. Those are called candles. Welcome to the real world." Draco answered, rolling his eyes.
Willing hands tossed the ghost back into vertical positioning. He swayed slightly before crashing back down horizontally again.
"How many drinks have you had anyhow?" Draco asked, eyebrows raised. Quirrell held up a spectral hand, answering Draco's question immediately. 5 digits on a hand, remember! (ha - you lot thought I was gonna say fingers so you could say I was wrong, but I'm one step ahead of you - ha!)
Dobby came bounding up out of the kitchens wearing one of those "Kiss the Cook" aprons.
"Dobby has prepared lunch, sirs and misses." He squeaked, sounding as usual as though on helium.
Graham raised an eyebrow at the apron and thereafter followed an extremely embarrassing five minutes in which Dobby fled, terrified, and Minerva started berating the hapless Muggle.
"The apron told me to!" Graham said hysterically, trying to limp off.
"The apron said 'Kiss the COOK', you utter idiot!" Minerva yelled at him. Graham whimpered.
"It's not my fault." He mumbled. "The "o" looked a lot like a "c"..."
Dumbledore rolled his eyes.
"I suspect Dobby will be alright in an hour or two. Honestly, Graham, can't you double check?"
"I did double check." The man moaned. "That's how I realised it was there..."
"No, I meant... never mind." Dumbledore gave up.
Dobby walked back in wearing a new apron that said "I said kiss the COOK!" on it. Graham's mouth did the infamous "s" shape of um and he buried his head in his hands as the 3-foot tall elf glared at him.
"Dobby thinks that lunch will be in about half an hour, sirs and misses." He squeaked, not without reproach.
In the corner, Albus' mind had run off and was plotting some odd deranged evil again. Something about funny hee-hee-ha-ha nicknames so that the people who hadn't stayed over Christmas would be utterly terrified when those who had used funny nicknames.
He just had to slip them in...well, not to everyone, obviously. Harry and Ron seemed to have sorted theirs out already.
"Wasssssssssssssssssssssssssup, Crab of Ineffable Wisdom?" Harry asked Ron. Ron grinned like a loon on loon tablets (which he is, I must point out)
"Wassssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssup, Hairy Boozer?" He replied.
"What hell?" Ginny asked incredulously. "Hairy Boozer? Where did that come from?"
"Wassssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssup, Sugar Poof?" Harry asked, addressing Graham.
"The sky and the roof. At the moment. Leave me alone." Graham snarled.
'Sugar Poof?' Albus thought to himself. That was a good one. He would have to keep that for Graham. SP. Esspee. Funfunfun.
"Because the Honey Monster loves Sugar Poofs!" He sung happily. His staff and students glanced at him and manhandled him into a shopping trolley. The remains of the Christmas tree were thrown in on top of him (*See note at end of page)
"I think it safe to declare Albus deranged." McG sighed as the most respected wizard in Britain was carted off.
"He'll be back when they've sobered him up." Sirius said, shrugging.
Dobby sauntered in, using one eye to glare at Graham and the other to make sure the plates of food were put on the table and not on Draco's head, as the elf's former master was making threatening gestures about his hair being messed up.
Lunch is served.
(* note one - when packing wire baskets and shopping trolleys, it is traditional to place the most fragile items at the bottom)
*****************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~****************
Hi guys! This is a chapter from the heart. Sorry it's taken so long to type up, but my so called "mate" has either broken or torn a ligament (whatever that is) in my finger and I can't type properly.
I usually touch type but at the moment I'm back to the old "one finger" routine. It's so slow!
Ciao!
~Spunkz