Graham was the first to run screaming back into the Great Hall, but then,
being a Muggle, he had no past experience of Hagrid's "pets".
"There's a... there's a... there's a..." he panted incoherently. McG patted his head soothingly as she attempted to dress a burn that the man had received off one of the surviving Skrewts. However, when she tried to bandage it, he bit her savagely on the hand.
"There's a... thing in there... well, there's lots of things in there but there's a thing in there that's going to eat Quirrell!" The comedian panted. Harry raised an eyebrow.
"Why would we care if it ate Quirrell? He's a ghost after all." He commented snidely.
Graham frowned.
"Oh, the ghost's called Quirrell? Then what's the name of that one, the kind of schizo one who goes wolf every full moon?"
"Professor Lupin?" Hermione asked.
"That's it. There's a thing in there that's going to eat Prorofessinon Lupin!" Graham slurred triumphantly yet oddly, still being mildly hooked up on alcohol and whatever hallucinogenic drugs he had taken recently. Harry's eyes widened.
"OH GODS! ONE OF HAGRID'S PETS IS GOING TO MAKE CHOWDER OUT OF REMUS!" He yelled down Draco's ear, subsequently waking both Draco and Ginny up.
"Yippee, celery." Draco murmured before dozing back off into Noddy Land.
Remus suddenly came bursting through the doors of the Great Hall, screaming in a way freakily similar to the way Graham had screamed when he had run back in to the warmth and relative safety of the room.
"Hey!" McG's voice was almost accusing as she addressed her fellow teacher. "I thought you were being eaten by one of Hagrid's friends?"
"I was." Remus panted. "But we fed Snape to it and it left me alone."
"EXCUSE ME?" McG roared, all of a sudden quite demented. "YOU FED SEVERUS TO THAT THING???"
"Well, it spat him back out." Remus shrugged. "We think it's allergic to his hair. It hasn't tried eating us since."
"Is he hurt bad?" Someone asked, though no one could tell who.
"A couple of scratches but he's mostly just drenched in dribble." Remus concluded, giggling slightly insanely. "He keeps gibbering something about the inside of the monster's stomach, though he's currently incoherent with the shock of actually being eaten."
"Well, gee, I can't imagine that!" McG said sarcastically, rolling her eyes. Remus grinned insolently at her.
"Tea strainer, tea strainer, hello Mr Rosebud!" Dumbledore chuckled as Quirrell burst through the wall, obviously panicked.
"Argh!" He yelled. "There's an evil monstery thing in there trying to eat Snape!"
"We'd established." Hermione retorted, raising an eyebrow. Remus frowned.
"Was it wise leaving Sirius and Severus in a room together?" He asked. A sudden explosion from the "cupboard under the stairs" answered his question as well as any spoken words could.
"Arse shit fuck damnations in a pink bloody umbrella!" A stream of profanities issued from the burnt out husk of what was once Hagrid's dangerous pet shop. "Where the hell did you come from? You are supposed to be dead!"
"Give over, will you? Our spectral house was invaded by plot bunnies who stole us and brought us here. Anyway, Greaseball, how come you aren't dead yet?" came a new voice from the carnage.
"I was just onto it, James. We fed him to one of Hagrid's pets." Sirius butted in.
"Did you? Good call. I expect the poor thing spat the greasy bugger right back out, huh? It must be traumatised beyond belief." Answered the new voice.
"No, it's not." Severus snapped. "Because you just killed it with that stupid explosion when you were stupidly trying to make an entrance! Good god!"
"You called?" Both Sirius and the new voice answered.
With a sigh of impatience Severus came storming out from underneath the ceiling of the collapsed room. Remus had said he had received a few scratches, and this was true. He was also covered from head to toe in dust and monster spit.
"Well, crud." He said, wiping away some grime from his forehead with an even dirtier hand.
The reason for his seemingly random cussing came just a few steps behind where he was. Sirius Black emerged, looking scarily happy and followed by none other than James Potter.
Harry's jaw hit the floor. Literally.
"Dad?" He asked in amazement. James rolled his eyes.
"No shit. For a Potter you really are thick." He snapped at his son, who glared back.
Severus, who had for the last few seconds been coughing up furballs and grit from the monster room, suddenly started laughing evilly.
"You are so busted!" He sneered at James and Sirius, who looked at him in confusion. What they didn't know is that he had seen Hagrid coming up from his hut to visit his many pets.
Hagrid came bursting through the door in a happy mood, content now that the flesh-eating slugs had started to actually eat his flesh instead of his lettuces.
"Hello Professor Dumbledore, sir, hello Sirius, hello Harry, hello James, hello... James? Ugh... I'm hallucinating, too much firewhisky... Hello, all."
"Hi Hagrid!" The room chorused back, with the exception of Snape, who was bitter, Graham, who had no idea who Hagrid was and Dumbledore, who was still in Happy Wappy Fairy Land.
"Yes please, another bushel of sprigs will be fine, Mr Greengrocer." He said cheerfully. Hagrid glanced in his direction.
"Well, I won't be stayin' long, I've jes' come to check up on my little darlin's. I left them in the cupboard under the stairs so nothing would happen to them, the little dears."
"I stand corrected!" Snape said as Hagrid exited the room, happy that his two arch nemeses would finally be killed (even though one was already dead.) "NOW you're busted."
There was a primeval roar from the Monster Room and James spectrally wet himself. Sirius really did wet himself.
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BABIES?" Hagrid thundered, leaping on Severus and choking him in a submission stranglehold. "YOU'VE KILLED THEM!"
Quirrell watched Snape slowly turning blue because of lack of air and decided to intervene.
"Um.. Hagrid?" He called nervously from the other side of the room. Even though he was a ghost, Hagrid would probably find a way to cause him Grievous Bodily Harm. "For once Severus is innocent. It was Sirius and James who murdered your pets."
Hagrid thankfully left off Snape, who was not looking so healthy, having been both eaten and half strangled. With a roar of apoplectic rage, Hagrid aimed his pink umbrella at Sirius. There was a flash of light and James smashed through the table and two consecutive walls.
Then the light cleared.
"Woof?" asked Sirius before his eyes widened. "WOOF?"
James staggered spectrally back through the two walls and the table. Quirrell's theory on Hagrid's being able to commit GBH on ghosts was correct, and the famous Potter senior looked quite ill. Even he, however, had to laugh when he heard Sirius.
Snape was in hysterics.
Sirius could now only speak woof.
"There's a... there's a... there's a..." he panted incoherently. McG patted his head soothingly as she attempted to dress a burn that the man had received off one of the surviving Skrewts. However, when she tried to bandage it, he bit her savagely on the hand.
"There's a... thing in there... well, there's lots of things in there but there's a thing in there that's going to eat Quirrell!" The comedian panted. Harry raised an eyebrow.
"Why would we care if it ate Quirrell? He's a ghost after all." He commented snidely.
Graham frowned.
"Oh, the ghost's called Quirrell? Then what's the name of that one, the kind of schizo one who goes wolf every full moon?"
"Professor Lupin?" Hermione asked.
"That's it. There's a thing in there that's going to eat Prorofessinon Lupin!" Graham slurred triumphantly yet oddly, still being mildly hooked up on alcohol and whatever hallucinogenic drugs he had taken recently. Harry's eyes widened.
"OH GODS! ONE OF HAGRID'S PETS IS GOING TO MAKE CHOWDER OUT OF REMUS!" He yelled down Draco's ear, subsequently waking both Draco and Ginny up.
"Yippee, celery." Draco murmured before dozing back off into Noddy Land.
Remus suddenly came bursting through the doors of the Great Hall, screaming in a way freakily similar to the way Graham had screamed when he had run back in to the warmth and relative safety of the room.
"Hey!" McG's voice was almost accusing as she addressed her fellow teacher. "I thought you were being eaten by one of Hagrid's friends?"
"I was." Remus panted. "But we fed Snape to it and it left me alone."
"EXCUSE ME?" McG roared, all of a sudden quite demented. "YOU FED SEVERUS TO THAT THING???"
"Well, it spat him back out." Remus shrugged. "We think it's allergic to his hair. It hasn't tried eating us since."
"Is he hurt bad?" Someone asked, though no one could tell who.
"A couple of scratches but he's mostly just drenched in dribble." Remus concluded, giggling slightly insanely. "He keeps gibbering something about the inside of the monster's stomach, though he's currently incoherent with the shock of actually being eaten."
"Well, gee, I can't imagine that!" McG said sarcastically, rolling her eyes. Remus grinned insolently at her.
"Tea strainer, tea strainer, hello Mr Rosebud!" Dumbledore chuckled as Quirrell burst through the wall, obviously panicked.
"Argh!" He yelled. "There's an evil monstery thing in there trying to eat Snape!"
"We'd established." Hermione retorted, raising an eyebrow. Remus frowned.
"Was it wise leaving Sirius and Severus in a room together?" He asked. A sudden explosion from the "cupboard under the stairs" answered his question as well as any spoken words could.
"Arse shit fuck damnations in a pink bloody umbrella!" A stream of profanities issued from the burnt out husk of what was once Hagrid's dangerous pet shop. "Where the hell did you come from? You are supposed to be dead!"
"Give over, will you? Our spectral house was invaded by plot bunnies who stole us and brought us here. Anyway, Greaseball, how come you aren't dead yet?" came a new voice from the carnage.
"I was just onto it, James. We fed him to one of Hagrid's pets." Sirius butted in.
"Did you? Good call. I expect the poor thing spat the greasy bugger right back out, huh? It must be traumatised beyond belief." Answered the new voice.
"No, it's not." Severus snapped. "Because you just killed it with that stupid explosion when you were stupidly trying to make an entrance! Good god!"
"You called?" Both Sirius and the new voice answered.
With a sigh of impatience Severus came storming out from underneath the ceiling of the collapsed room. Remus had said he had received a few scratches, and this was true. He was also covered from head to toe in dust and monster spit.
"Well, crud." He said, wiping away some grime from his forehead with an even dirtier hand.
The reason for his seemingly random cussing came just a few steps behind where he was. Sirius Black emerged, looking scarily happy and followed by none other than James Potter.
Harry's jaw hit the floor. Literally.
"Dad?" He asked in amazement. James rolled his eyes.
"No shit. For a Potter you really are thick." He snapped at his son, who glared back.
Severus, who had for the last few seconds been coughing up furballs and grit from the monster room, suddenly started laughing evilly.
"You are so busted!" He sneered at James and Sirius, who looked at him in confusion. What they didn't know is that he had seen Hagrid coming up from his hut to visit his many pets.
Hagrid came bursting through the door in a happy mood, content now that the flesh-eating slugs had started to actually eat his flesh instead of his lettuces.
"Hello Professor Dumbledore, sir, hello Sirius, hello Harry, hello James, hello... James? Ugh... I'm hallucinating, too much firewhisky... Hello, all."
"Hi Hagrid!" The room chorused back, with the exception of Snape, who was bitter, Graham, who had no idea who Hagrid was and Dumbledore, who was still in Happy Wappy Fairy Land.
"Yes please, another bushel of sprigs will be fine, Mr Greengrocer." He said cheerfully. Hagrid glanced in his direction.
"Well, I won't be stayin' long, I've jes' come to check up on my little darlin's. I left them in the cupboard under the stairs so nothing would happen to them, the little dears."
"I stand corrected!" Snape said as Hagrid exited the room, happy that his two arch nemeses would finally be killed (even though one was already dead.) "NOW you're busted."
There was a primeval roar from the Monster Room and James spectrally wet himself. Sirius really did wet himself.
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BABIES?" Hagrid thundered, leaping on Severus and choking him in a submission stranglehold. "YOU'VE KILLED THEM!"
Quirrell watched Snape slowly turning blue because of lack of air and decided to intervene.
"Um.. Hagrid?" He called nervously from the other side of the room. Even though he was a ghost, Hagrid would probably find a way to cause him Grievous Bodily Harm. "For once Severus is innocent. It was Sirius and James who murdered your pets."
Hagrid thankfully left off Snape, who was not looking so healthy, having been both eaten and half strangled. With a roar of apoplectic rage, Hagrid aimed his pink umbrella at Sirius. There was a flash of light and James smashed through the table and two consecutive walls.
Then the light cleared.
"Woof?" asked Sirius before his eyes widened. "WOOF?"
James staggered spectrally back through the two walls and the table. Quirrell's theory on Hagrid's being able to commit GBH on ghosts was correct, and the famous Potter senior looked quite ill. Even he, however, had to laugh when he heard Sirius.
Snape was in hysterics.
Sirius could now only speak woof.