Chapter number 7 has arrived! I think it's a pretty decent chapter, not
the best, but certainly not the worst that I've ever done. Anyway, thanks
for those who reviewed:
Jemma Blackwell: It took me awhile to figure out what you meant in your review but I got it and make's perfect sense...which makes me kind of sad, lol. You're right that in the way I told it Snape doesn't even have a reason to believe that James saved him. Why I don't ever figure that out on my own is just beyond me. Anyway, you're not really being too critical, but I'm beginning to wonder why you keep reading. You don't seem to like much about the story. I appreciate the constructive criticism and I intend to change some things based on what you've said, but I wouldn't be able to put up with reading a story that I had so many issues with. I do however appreciate that you keep reading. Anyway, about Gary Oldman...don't like him at all! This is because I'm weird and have completely glamorized him in my mind. If you ever see the GAP commercial or here any of my other opinions on who should play him you'd see that, lol. And David Thewlis just doesn't seem right at all! I don't even glamorize Remus nearly as much but this guy is just not him! The only movie I've seen him in was TimeLine and I couldn't believe that he would be playing my beloved Remus Lupin....Anyway, thanks for continuing to read and review!
Tanya J Potter: Thanks for the review! This is just a really, really overly friendly fic, lol. I kind of have thought about making it slash, but most of my reviewers have asked that it not be. I actually might go back afterwards and make a slash version for those who want it. Not sure on that yet. But although they seem a little too close to just be friends at points, that's all they are in this version :) Thanks for reviewing!
Tina: Thanks for the review!
Polaris: I'm glad you enjoyed it so much :) And I'm glad you didn't like the immediate forgiveness, I hate when people do that. However, I also don't like when they prolong it for like a year. And I don't think I'll give up until the end on this one. There's not going to be that much left to it anyway.
Sexy Black: I'm glad you liked that chapter...I rather enjoyed it too :) This one will be just as emotional, but probably not as good. I'll admit that it was kind of a hard one to get through, but I think I did an acceptable job with it. Tell me what you think!
Katie: That sucks about your mom not letting you read. It's weird that mines causing difficulty...maybe it's the swearing? I'm also glad that you liked the way I wrote "the incident", one reviewer told me that I did it in a way that didn't really work with the books, which is true and that sucks...but I'm going to keep it anyway, lol, cuz I like it too! And as for seeing people who look like them, everywhere I go I do that. I'll be like oh that little boy is a total Remus age 7, or Sirius 15 right there lol. My favorite is this kid who goes to my college, don't know his name but he's the perfect Sirius at 19-20 *swoons* He's so laid back and gorgeous lol and he seems really nice...if only I had a class with him or something! Okay...you probably didn't need to hear all of that. Anyway I hope you can read this chapter and if you can't read a chapter review an old chapter or something and tell me to email it to you...I wouldn't mind at all! And you need to take your story of hiatus! Both Loss and that one that only has one big long chapter! I don't remember what it's about but I liked it! That's all for now :)
Hp-Azn: It's alright that you didn't review earlier, it just makes me sad when I put up a chapter and get like 3 reviews, you know. My first story would get like 20 per chapter and now this one averages about 5...I think I was spoiled earlier, lol. Anyway, I'm sorry I don't update more frequently but I've been very busy lately. It seems that every one of my professors wants a five page paper out of me these days! Anyway, angst is always a must with me until the very end! No need to hint *wink*
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Albus Dumbledore entered the hospital wing and approached the bed of a most distressed young man. For six years Albus had seen the boy deal with problems no person should ever have to deal with, especially a boy Remus's age. Yet, Albus had never seen the boy as upset as he now was.
Remus didn't even notice the headmaster's presence until he felt a thin arm over his shoulder. He looked to the side and saw the long white beard and knew whose arm was over his shoulder.
Dumbledore felt the boy stiffen under his arm and breath in harshly, drying his face with his sleeve. "Professor..." he choked out.
"I see Mr. Potter has spoken with you Remus?"
Remus nodded and sniffed.
"And what are your thoughts on this?"
Looking up sadly into Dumbledore's face Remus mumbled, "I thought I could trust him...I thought he was my friend. My best friend," he added.
"Do you understand why he's done this?"
"I asked him...I wanted to give him a chance...he wouldn't tell me why he did it."
"Do you have any idea what would trigger him to do this?"
"No...and I mean of all people Snape!" Remus thought about this for a moment. "Snape must have hit a nerve with him...but that's no excuse!"
"No, it isn't."
"I just don't...I would never do that to him. No matter how angry I was with anyone..."
"Mr. Lupin, I'm going to tell you exactly what I told James on this matter," Dumbledore said calmly. "As you know nearly all of Mr. Black's relatives have much different views on the world than you and your friends. Sirius has broken away from that mold and the entire Slytherin house. He now feels as though he has something to prove to them. He wants to prove that his decision to break from his heritage is the right decision."
"What does that have to do with him betraying me, Sir?"
"It has everything to do with you, Remus. And the rest of your friends as well. Not only does Sirius feel the need to prove himself, but he feels the need to prove his friends as well. I do believe Mr. Snape challenged Sirius. Knowing Snape couldn't beat you last night, Sirius simply set up a sort of duel in which you were sure to win. Obviously he wasn't thinking logically. I know he's very sorry for what he's done, and I really think this is something that should be forgiven."
"Who's to say that Sirius won't do this again the next time someone challenges him?"
"That's for you to decide Mr. Lupin, and decide you must. I believe that Sirius is genuinely sorry for what he has done and is very unlikely to do this again. If I felt as though he truly meant to hurt you and Mr. Snape, he would be on his way home right now. However, I have faith that he will not repeat this incident. It's clear he cares a great deal about you. So please talk to him, give him a fair chance to explain himself. If you find his apologies unworthy of forgiveness, that is your choice. I just beg that you give him a chance."
Remus nodded sadly.
"How are you feeling in respect to your...condition."
"Same old...do you think you can ask Madam Pomfrey to let me out of here earlier than usual?"
"Are you sure you're up to it?"
Remus nodded. "I'd feel better if I wasn't stuck in this room."
"Then you may leave. I'll inform Poppy after you're gone. Otherwise I think she'd be rather difficult to convince."
"Thank you professor," Remus said climbing slowly off the bed.
"Anytime, my dear boy. And please remember what I said."
"Yes, Sir," Remus mumbled as he walked out of the hospital wing. Albus saw the difficulty with which the boy walked but tried to ignore it. The boy had enough willpower to get himself wherever he wanted to go, even if his strength wasn't all there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
After Sirius left the hospital wing he didn't quite know what to do with himself. He didn't want to go back to the dorms because he'd have to face James, and he sure as Hell wasn't going to his classes that day. Thus Sirius settled on roaming the corridors of the school, avoiding all places where he should have been, at the given hour.
He was finally getting tired of the wandering and was ready to head up to his bed when he came across someone sitting on the stairs, breathing heavily. As he got closer he saw that it was Remus, who apparently had missed a trick step and was now stuck. Under normal circumstances Remus could have gotten himself out, but after the full moon he just didn't have the strength. Sirius saw that he was close to tears as he half-heartedly tried to remove his foot.
"Are you okay?" Sirius asked cautiously as he approached his friend.
Remus sat straight up as he heard Sirius's voice. He shook his head frantically and choked back his stress created tears. Sirius stood next to his friend and put a hand on the stuck ankle. He twisted it slightly to the right and pulled back and up, freeing Remus's foot of the trick step.
"Thanks," Remus mumbled, still trying to prevent the tears that wanted to fall. He turned away from Sirius and continued up the stairs, stumbling as he went. As he reached the top step he tripped and landed on the ground. "Damn it!" he yelled, banging the floor with his fists. The tears then began to fall from his eyes. Sirius put his hands on either side of Remus's hips and helped him back to his feet. Remus just stood in that spot, tears streaming down his face as he tried to suppress his tears. "I'm so fucking helpless!" he yelled.
Slowly, cautiously, Sirius put his arms around Remus and pulled him close. Remus cried into his chest and he slowly rubbed his back. "Why did you have to tell Snape, Sirius?" Remus muttered into his shirt.
"I wish I hadn't...lets go upstairs and talk about this Moony. We can't stay here. Classes are going to switch any minute."
Remus nodded and wiped his eyes. Sirius pulled away but kept his arm around Remus's back. "You should still be in the hospital wing," he stated quietly.
"I couldn't stand being there...I could only think about how you fucked me over."
Sirius sighed and helped Remus limp all the way up to Gryffindor Tower. Once they had reached the dorm Remus was huffing and puffing, practically leaning all of his weight on Sirius for support.
After leading him to his bed, Sirius set Remus on the edge and pulled back the blankets. Gently he helped Remus into them and then pulled the blankets up around his neck.
"Thank you Sirius," Remus said formally.
Sirius flinched slightly at the tone and nodded.
"May I ask why you felt the need to prevent me from killing myself last week when you were going to turn me into a murderer? You do realize that they would have 'put me down' if I had killed Snape don't you?!"
"Remus!" Sirius exclaimed, shocked that Remus would say something like that. "You know that's not what I was doing...I just didn't think!"
"That's obvious Sirius."
"I know, Remus...get some sleep. I'll still be here and you can yell at me after you've gotten some rest." Sirius backed away from Remus's bed, towards his own.
"Sirius you know I don't just want to yell at you!" Remus exclaimed. "I want to know...to understand why you did this. I'm sure it will involve yelling but that's not what is going to make this better!"
"I know. I'm sorry Remus...I really am. About everything. I wish I could take it all back. I would in a heart beat."
"I wish you could too," Remus whispered and rolled over onto his stomach. "But you can't," he mumbled into his pillow. He shut his eyes and slowly drifted off to sleep.
After closing the curtains around Remus's bed, Sirius threw himself down on his own bed. For a long time he simply lay there watching the rays of sunlight move slowly across the ceiling. He noted how the room darkened whenever a cloud passed by, but it always brightened up again. In a way watching it gave Sirius a small amount of hope that everything would be okay.
After a while he too let sleep claim him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hours later he was rudely awoken by James Potter repeatedly poking him in the stomach. He stared at his friend with the slightest glare. Under normal circumstances Sirius would have tackled James to the ground after such a stunt, but he knew that he was still on quite rocky terms with his friend.
"Why'd you do that?"
James sat on the edge of his bed and said, "I want to know how it went with Moony. Is he all right? He's back here awfully early."
Sirius sighed and wiped the sleep out of his eyes. He sat up and leaned his back against the headboard of his bed. "It didn't go well. I-I didn't know what to tell him James. I didn't have a good reason for doing what I did. I was stupid, plain and simple. How do you tell your friend that you betrayed him out of your own stupidity? How can he forgive that?"
James shrugged. "What exactly happened when you went to see him?"
With another sigh Sirius told him what had happened in the hospital wing that morning.
"Did you expect any other reaction?"
Sirius shook his head and replied, "I don't know what I expected really...I mean I knew he would be upset...really upset. But seeing him break down like that. It was awful James."
"When I broke the news to him he only cried a little. He wouldn't let himself break down. Poor kid."
Covering his face with his hand Sirius nodded his head. "We're going to talk about it when he wakes up. I'm kind of scared."
"You should be," James said matter-of-factly.
"You're still mad at me too, aren't you, James?"
James nodded.
Sirius stared at his knees for a moment and then said in a voice more timid then James had ever heard it, "Does that mean I'm not still welcome at your house this summer?"
James sighed and smiled sadly. "I may be mad at you Sirius, but I don't hate you. I would never let you go back to that house after what you've told us. Of course you're still welcome. I don't think I ever got the chance to tell you this last night because when I went to find you...you had just done that very bad thing that I don't want to think about right now."
"What were you going to tell me?"
"I got a letter from my mum. I had told her that you were having 'problems' at home and that I wanted you to come live with us. She said she'd love to have you. I think you really charmed her that time you came for Christmas."
Sirius grinned at James. "Thank you," he whispered.
"My pleasure," he said. "You know Sirius...I don't think I'm really all that mad at you."
"You're not? But you just said..."
"I know what I said, but—well it's confusing. I think I'm just really angry about what you did. But somehow I understand why you did it...even though I think you're bloody thick for doing it...I understand. If I were really mad at you I don't think I'd be able to be anywhere near you right now without slapping you across the head."
"Well that's a relief," Sirius joked.
James lightly hit his hand across Sirius's head. Sirius laughed and then abruptly hugged James. He smiled in return and hugged his friend back.
"I'm going to go check on Remus," James said, pulling away. Sirius nodded and watched his friend go across the room. He then lay back down on his bed and resumed watching the sun dance across the ceiling. It was now moving in much different ways than it had before.
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James peered through the curtains to see if Remus was still asleep. He was not.
"Hey, mate," James said and step through the curtains. He sat next to Remus, who smiled slightly at him. "I just talked to Sirius."
Remus's eyes darkened and he nodded. "What did you talk about?"
"What happened earlier with you...and about the fact that I have forgiven him."
"You have?"
James nodded.
"You think I should too, don't you James?"
"That's up to you, mate. You need to actually talk to him first. He hasn't even explained himself to you yet."
"He could have..."
"I know he could have Remus...but you're not the easiest person to talk to when you're upset—and before you say it, I know, it's his own fault!"
"Well it is!" he mumbled, slightly embarrassed that James knew exactly what was going through his head.
James smirked. "I'm just curious Remus...do you realize that Sirius is sorry?"
"Yes but..."
Holding up his hand to stop Remus, James continued, "And do you realize how much he cares about you?"
"I kind of wonder right now..."
"Remus," James said in a warning voice.
"Yes, I know that he cares about me."
"And do you realize how scared he is right now that you aren't going to forgive him?"
Remus sighed and nodded.
"Just hear him out. I'm not saying you have to forgive him. But give him a chance to explain without you striking complete fear into him."
"I hate this," Remus mumbled covering his face with his hands.
"I know you do, mate."
"James I just don't even want to talk to him right now...I don't think I can."
"You don't have to do it right now...that's not why I came over here. But you do have to talk to him eventually."
Remus nodded and shut his eyes for a few seconds.
"It's almost time for dinner Rem....are you going to go down?
Remus shook his head. "Could you bring me something back?"
"Sure mate. I'll see you later."
James turned to leave but Remus stopped him, "And can you make sure Sirius knows I don't want to see him right now?"
"Yeah...even though I think you should talk to him sooner than later."
Remus shrugged and let him go. He listened to James footsteps walk away and heard him say, "Lets go to dinner Sirius."
"I want to talk to Remus first."
"He's not ready to talk to you Sirius."
"He's not...? Why?"
"I think he's not ready to deal with whatever he's thinking about."
"It feels like he's just trying to think of more and more reasons of why he shouldn't forgive me."
Remus looked down at his knees as he listened, twirling the edge of the blanket between his fingers. Sirius had his motives nailed. Remus was mad; there was no doubt about that. He knew how persuasive Sirius could be. Surely, the second Sirius explained himself Remus would forgive him. If he allowed this to happen, Remus wouldn't be teaching Sirius a lesson at all. Sirius needed to learn that he can't always be his impulsive self.
"But I suppose he shouldn't really forgive me anyway...you know what he said to me earlier?"
"What?"
"He asked me why I had stopped him from killing himself when I was going to cause his death anyway...I think he actually thought that I wanted him to die! And....James, I don't know how to convince him that I would never even want to hurt him. If I'd have caused his death I'd soon after be causing my own! I'm just so fucking stupid!"
Remus felt his heart constrict tightly for a moment as he weakly climbed out of his bed. He silently pulled his curtains back slightly and walked into the main part of the room where he could see that Sirius had pulled the blankets tightly over his head. James was quietly trying to get him to come out. He saw Remus approaching. Remus held a finger to his lips so James wouldn't give away his presence.
Remus grabbed the edge of the blanket and sharply yanked it out of Sirius's grasp.
"James go a—Remus!" Sirius yelled, now looking up into Remus's expressionless face.
"Could you give us a moment alone James?" Remus asked.
"Sure I'll go find Peter, hopefully he'll be ready for dinner."
They both watched James leave. Remus then made himself comfortable on the foot end of Sirius's bed.
"I thought you didn't want to talk to me yet."
"I didn't until I realized how stupid I was being. I heard everything you and James just said. And you're right, I didn't want to talk to you because I'm not ready to forgive...but that's just stupid."
"It's understandable..."
"That doesn't matter," Remus said sharply. "I just...I want to know what happened last night...I've heard it from James and I've heard it from Dumbledore. I want to here it from you."
Sirius nodded his head and remained silent for a few seconds. "Okay, so Snape stole my wand, right?"
"Is that why you sent him after me?" Remus asked scathingly.
"Remus..." Sirius said in a pleading voice.
"Sorry..."
"Anyway so I went back to find it and he tripped me and then taunted me with my own wand. He was going to curse me or something when I didn't have a wand at all. So I basically told him the only way he could beat anyone was when the opponent was unarmed...He told me he could take out anyone of us any day of the week. And it made me so mad that he thought he was better than us...that Slytherin asshole!"
Sirius sighed and ran a hand through his hand. He looked at Remus to see if he understood what he had said so far, but his face was unreadable.
"Anyway, so I was just so mad...and it was stupid to get so mad. I don't even know why it made me so mad! So I told him he couldn't beat you last night. He took it as a challenge and I just told him where you were and how to get there. It's like my mouth ran away from me. As I was saying it I knew I shouldn't be...but I just couldn't help it. I thought Snape needed a reality check or something."
Remus remained silent, chewing on his lip roughly.
"And so Snape left, planning on going to find you at 8:00...and I just started walking back to the dorm. Every step I took away from that spot I realized how stupid I had been. By the time I ran into James...thank god for James....I was like frantic. I don't think I could have done anything to save Snape...if I hadn't seen James just then. I'm sorry Remus...I never wanted to hurt you! I don't know what I would have done if..."
"If I'd have killed Snape."
"No, if they would have taken you away from me and the guys."
Remus looked down at his feet.
"I'm so fucking stupid. You have every right not to forgive me. I don't even forgive me." He curled up into a ball and pulled the blanket back up over his head. He felt the bed shake as Remus got up off of it. Remus wasn't going to forgive him. He bit his lip hard to keep from crying.
He thought Remus had walked away and gone to his own bed or down stairs. However, when he felt a hand on his back and the blanket slowly gliding out from his light grasp on it he found that Remus was standing beside him.
With a trembling lip he looked up at Remus. "I'm so sorry," he whispered.
"I know," Remus whispered back. He grabbed Sirius's hand and pulled him into a sitting position.
"Do...does...I mean...am I...forgiven?"
Remus nodded.
Sirius didn't know whether to laugh or cry so he did neither. He half smiled at Remus and then pulled him into a tight hug, burying his face in Remus's shoulder.
Remus laughed lightly and hugged back.
"If you ever do something like this again, though, I'm going to drown you in the bathtub."
Sirius released a muffled laugh and hugged Remus tighter. "It won't be happening again...I promise you that."
After they pulled apart Sirius was still biting his lip.
Remus put his hand on his shoulder. "Are you alright?"
Sirius shrugged roughly, wiping his eyes with the cuff of his sleeve.
"Sirius?"
"I just feel so bad!" Sirius moaned. "I can only imagine how hurt you must have felt...probably still feel. And I caused it. And even though you forgave me...I still hurt you. There's nothing I can do to take that back." A few tears began to fall down his face.
"You did hurt me, Sirius. You hurt me really bad...but you've been there for me so many other times."
"Did you really think that I wanted you dead?"
Remus shook his head, "No, I just found it really ironic. The person who saved me from killing myself almost caused my death in another way."
"I'm really sorry," Sirius muttered.
"It's alright Sirius, I forgive you. Now, you need to forgive yourself."
Sirius nodded and dried his eyes of the few tears that had fallen. They stared at each other for a moment.
"This is weird," Sirius stated.
"Yeah it is. It shouldn't be," Remus replied.
"But it is..."
Remus nodded and laughed lightly. Sirius smiled at him, glad to see his friend laughing again.
"Are you feeling better than this morning?" Sirius asked.
"Well I haven't gotten stuck in any stair wells...I guess that's good right? And I made it over here to your bed. I'm still pretty sore and my head hurts...the usual."
Sirius half smiled at him. Remus sighed awkwardly. "I think I'm going to go lie down again."
"Okay, I think I'll go down and meet James at dinner."
They both stood up, but neither immediately left.
"Okay, bye," Sirius said and finally turned away. Remus watched him go and then slowly made his way to bed, nearly immediately falling back to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey James, where's Peter?" Sirius asked as he sat across from James at the table.
"I don't know, but I didn't feel like waiting to find out." He lowered his voice and added, "How did it go with Remus?"
Sirius sighed, scooping a large quantity of mashed potatoes onto his plate. "He's forgiven me...but I don't think he should have. And now things are just weird between us. Like, I don't even know what to say to him."
"At least he forgave you. Things will probably get better soon."
"I hope so."
Sirius sighed. "I just hope we can all get past this. What does Peter think of all this?"
James shrugged. "I honestly haven't seen him since we left Dumbledore's office."
"That can't be good," Sirius said tentatively as he dug into his mashed potatoes.
"We never really know what's going on in his head...why try now?"
"I don't know...I wish this hadn't happened. I'm such a fool."
"Yup, you are," James said matter-of-factly.
Watching Sirius dejectedly eat his mashed potatoes, James couldn't help but laugh.
"What?" Sirius asked.
"Why don't you eat something else? Some chicken perhaps?"
"I don't want to."
"Sirius..."
"I only want potatoes."
"Okay, mate, but when you come to my house my mother is not going to let you get away with eating like that."
Sirius looked up at the mention of his new summer arrangements and couldn't help but smile slightly. James had to smile back. Sirius then went back to eating his potatoes in silence.
Suddenly Sirius looked up again, throwing his fork down on the table. "I don't feel like I can talk to you now, either! I hate this!"
"Sirius..." James started as Sirius got up and walked straight out of the hall. James sighed and followed.
Out of the castle and down towards the lake Sirius walked without turning at the sound of his friend's continuous pleas to stop.
Tired of waiting for his friend to stop James sprinted ahead and stopped in front of Sirius, grabbing his soldiers. Sirius refused to look in to James face. "What is your issue, Sirius? We forgave you! Not only that but we forgave you really easily. We could have been much harder on you!"
"Maybe you should have been."
"Maybe...but we know you Sirius. We know you would never mean to hurt Remus...and you know that too. That's why we forgave you."
Sirius's shoulders slumped as he tried to find the words to express how he was feeling. "James, you don't get it."
"Then explain it to me."
"It's just, I could have totally ruined Remus's life right? Do you know how awful it feels to realize what I could have done? I mean, thank the Lord it didn't happen, but it could have...and it would have been MY fault! And I'm—I'm—I guess I'm embarrassed. I mean, how stupid can you get? And I don't know what to say to either of you except that I'm sorry! How many times can I say that without sounding like an idiot?!"
"Sirius, do you realize this happened yesterday? There's nothing else to talk about right now. Nothing else has happened! But we'll go to classes tomorrow...do other shit, and everything will go back to normal I promise you that."
"I hate this feeling," Sirius mumbled.
"Well consider this a lesson learned. And I know you really learned this all too well, but now you know what not to tell people in regards to your friends."
Sirius just shook his head and sat down on the cool grass.
James sat beside him and put his arm around Sirius, squeezing his neck in a comforting gesture. "Want to go for a fly? It'll take your mind off everything."
Sirius nodded.
"Okay, you stay here I'll go get our brooms."
"Okay," Sirius whispered and watched James retreat. He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.
After a few minutes he heard footsteps approach. "That was fast, James," he said, sitting up.
However, his eyes didn't fall on James, rather two figures in black robes, standing quite defensively.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There...if it's at all obvious I didn't know where to take this story after that, but I think I like the plan I've developed in my head...hopefully you'll all like it as well. Anywhere between one and three chapter left until the end of this story.
PLEASE REVIEW!!!
Jemma Blackwell: It took me awhile to figure out what you meant in your review but I got it and make's perfect sense...which makes me kind of sad, lol. You're right that in the way I told it Snape doesn't even have a reason to believe that James saved him. Why I don't ever figure that out on my own is just beyond me. Anyway, you're not really being too critical, but I'm beginning to wonder why you keep reading. You don't seem to like much about the story. I appreciate the constructive criticism and I intend to change some things based on what you've said, but I wouldn't be able to put up with reading a story that I had so many issues with. I do however appreciate that you keep reading. Anyway, about Gary Oldman...don't like him at all! This is because I'm weird and have completely glamorized him in my mind. If you ever see the GAP commercial or here any of my other opinions on who should play him you'd see that, lol. And David Thewlis just doesn't seem right at all! I don't even glamorize Remus nearly as much but this guy is just not him! The only movie I've seen him in was TimeLine and I couldn't believe that he would be playing my beloved Remus Lupin....Anyway, thanks for continuing to read and review!
Tanya J Potter: Thanks for the review! This is just a really, really overly friendly fic, lol. I kind of have thought about making it slash, but most of my reviewers have asked that it not be. I actually might go back afterwards and make a slash version for those who want it. Not sure on that yet. But although they seem a little too close to just be friends at points, that's all they are in this version :) Thanks for reviewing!
Tina: Thanks for the review!
Polaris: I'm glad you enjoyed it so much :) And I'm glad you didn't like the immediate forgiveness, I hate when people do that. However, I also don't like when they prolong it for like a year. And I don't think I'll give up until the end on this one. There's not going to be that much left to it anyway.
Sexy Black: I'm glad you liked that chapter...I rather enjoyed it too :) This one will be just as emotional, but probably not as good. I'll admit that it was kind of a hard one to get through, but I think I did an acceptable job with it. Tell me what you think!
Katie: That sucks about your mom not letting you read. It's weird that mines causing difficulty...maybe it's the swearing? I'm also glad that you liked the way I wrote "the incident", one reviewer told me that I did it in a way that didn't really work with the books, which is true and that sucks...but I'm going to keep it anyway, lol, cuz I like it too! And as for seeing people who look like them, everywhere I go I do that. I'll be like oh that little boy is a total Remus age 7, or Sirius 15 right there lol. My favorite is this kid who goes to my college, don't know his name but he's the perfect Sirius at 19-20 *swoons* He's so laid back and gorgeous lol and he seems really nice...if only I had a class with him or something! Okay...you probably didn't need to hear all of that. Anyway I hope you can read this chapter and if you can't read a chapter review an old chapter or something and tell me to email it to you...I wouldn't mind at all! And you need to take your story of hiatus! Both Loss and that one that only has one big long chapter! I don't remember what it's about but I liked it! That's all for now :)
Hp-Azn: It's alright that you didn't review earlier, it just makes me sad when I put up a chapter and get like 3 reviews, you know. My first story would get like 20 per chapter and now this one averages about 5...I think I was spoiled earlier, lol. Anyway, I'm sorry I don't update more frequently but I've been very busy lately. It seems that every one of my professors wants a five page paper out of me these days! Anyway, angst is always a must with me until the very end! No need to hint *wink*
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Albus Dumbledore entered the hospital wing and approached the bed of a most distressed young man. For six years Albus had seen the boy deal with problems no person should ever have to deal with, especially a boy Remus's age. Yet, Albus had never seen the boy as upset as he now was.
Remus didn't even notice the headmaster's presence until he felt a thin arm over his shoulder. He looked to the side and saw the long white beard and knew whose arm was over his shoulder.
Dumbledore felt the boy stiffen under his arm and breath in harshly, drying his face with his sleeve. "Professor..." he choked out.
"I see Mr. Potter has spoken with you Remus?"
Remus nodded and sniffed.
"And what are your thoughts on this?"
Looking up sadly into Dumbledore's face Remus mumbled, "I thought I could trust him...I thought he was my friend. My best friend," he added.
"Do you understand why he's done this?"
"I asked him...I wanted to give him a chance...he wouldn't tell me why he did it."
"Do you have any idea what would trigger him to do this?"
"No...and I mean of all people Snape!" Remus thought about this for a moment. "Snape must have hit a nerve with him...but that's no excuse!"
"No, it isn't."
"I just don't...I would never do that to him. No matter how angry I was with anyone..."
"Mr. Lupin, I'm going to tell you exactly what I told James on this matter," Dumbledore said calmly. "As you know nearly all of Mr. Black's relatives have much different views on the world than you and your friends. Sirius has broken away from that mold and the entire Slytherin house. He now feels as though he has something to prove to them. He wants to prove that his decision to break from his heritage is the right decision."
"What does that have to do with him betraying me, Sir?"
"It has everything to do with you, Remus. And the rest of your friends as well. Not only does Sirius feel the need to prove himself, but he feels the need to prove his friends as well. I do believe Mr. Snape challenged Sirius. Knowing Snape couldn't beat you last night, Sirius simply set up a sort of duel in which you were sure to win. Obviously he wasn't thinking logically. I know he's very sorry for what he's done, and I really think this is something that should be forgiven."
"Who's to say that Sirius won't do this again the next time someone challenges him?"
"That's for you to decide Mr. Lupin, and decide you must. I believe that Sirius is genuinely sorry for what he has done and is very unlikely to do this again. If I felt as though he truly meant to hurt you and Mr. Snape, he would be on his way home right now. However, I have faith that he will not repeat this incident. It's clear he cares a great deal about you. So please talk to him, give him a fair chance to explain himself. If you find his apologies unworthy of forgiveness, that is your choice. I just beg that you give him a chance."
Remus nodded sadly.
"How are you feeling in respect to your...condition."
"Same old...do you think you can ask Madam Pomfrey to let me out of here earlier than usual?"
"Are you sure you're up to it?"
Remus nodded. "I'd feel better if I wasn't stuck in this room."
"Then you may leave. I'll inform Poppy after you're gone. Otherwise I think she'd be rather difficult to convince."
"Thank you professor," Remus said climbing slowly off the bed.
"Anytime, my dear boy. And please remember what I said."
"Yes, Sir," Remus mumbled as he walked out of the hospital wing. Albus saw the difficulty with which the boy walked but tried to ignore it. The boy had enough willpower to get himself wherever he wanted to go, even if his strength wasn't all there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
After Sirius left the hospital wing he didn't quite know what to do with himself. He didn't want to go back to the dorms because he'd have to face James, and he sure as Hell wasn't going to his classes that day. Thus Sirius settled on roaming the corridors of the school, avoiding all places where he should have been, at the given hour.
He was finally getting tired of the wandering and was ready to head up to his bed when he came across someone sitting on the stairs, breathing heavily. As he got closer he saw that it was Remus, who apparently had missed a trick step and was now stuck. Under normal circumstances Remus could have gotten himself out, but after the full moon he just didn't have the strength. Sirius saw that he was close to tears as he half-heartedly tried to remove his foot.
"Are you okay?" Sirius asked cautiously as he approached his friend.
Remus sat straight up as he heard Sirius's voice. He shook his head frantically and choked back his stress created tears. Sirius stood next to his friend and put a hand on the stuck ankle. He twisted it slightly to the right and pulled back and up, freeing Remus's foot of the trick step.
"Thanks," Remus mumbled, still trying to prevent the tears that wanted to fall. He turned away from Sirius and continued up the stairs, stumbling as he went. As he reached the top step he tripped and landed on the ground. "Damn it!" he yelled, banging the floor with his fists. The tears then began to fall from his eyes. Sirius put his hands on either side of Remus's hips and helped him back to his feet. Remus just stood in that spot, tears streaming down his face as he tried to suppress his tears. "I'm so fucking helpless!" he yelled.
Slowly, cautiously, Sirius put his arms around Remus and pulled him close. Remus cried into his chest and he slowly rubbed his back. "Why did you have to tell Snape, Sirius?" Remus muttered into his shirt.
"I wish I hadn't...lets go upstairs and talk about this Moony. We can't stay here. Classes are going to switch any minute."
Remus nodded and wiped his eyes. Sirius pulled away but kept his arm around Remus's back. "You should still be in the hospital wing," he stated quietly.
"I couldn't stand being there...I could only think about how you fucked me over."
Sirius sighed and helped Remus limp all the way up to Gryffindor Tower. Once they had reached the dorm Remus was huffing and puffing, practically leaning all of his weight on Sirius for support.
After leading him to his bed, Sirius set Remus on the edge and pulled back the blankets. Gently he helped Remus into them and then pulled the blankets up around his neck.
"Thank you Sirius," Remus said formally.
Sirius flinched slightly at the tone and nodded.
"May I ask why you felt the need to prevent me from killing myself last week when you were going to turn me into a murderer? You do realize that they would have 'put me down' if I had killed Snape don't you?!"
"Remus!" Sirius exclaimed, shocked that Remus would say something like that. "You know that's not what I was doing...I just didn't think!"
"That's obvious Sirius."
"I know, Remus...get some sleep. I'll still be here and you can yell at me after you've gotten some rest." Sirius backed away from Remus's bed, towards his own.
"Sirius you know I don't just want to yell at you!" Remus exclaimed. "I want to know...to understand why you did this. I'm sure it will involve yelling but that's not what is going to make this better!"
"I know. I'm sorry Remus...I really am. About everything. I wish I could take it all back. I would in a heart beat."
"I wish you could too," Remus whispered and rolled over onto his stomach. "But you can't," he mumbled into his pillow. He shut his eyes and slowly drifted off to sleep.
After closing the curtains around Remus's bed, Sirius threw himself down on his own bed. For a long time he simply lay there watching the rays of sunlight move slowly across the ceiling. He noted how the room darkened whenever a cloud passed by, but it always brightened up again. In a way watching it gave Sirius a small amount of hope that everything would be okay.
After a while he too let sleep claim him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hours later he was rudely awoken by James Potter repeatedly poking him in the stomach. He stared at his friend with the slightest glare. Under normal circumstances Sirius would have tackled James to the ground after such a stunt, but he knew that he was still on quite rocky terms with his friend.
"Why'd you do that?"
James sat on the edge of his bed and said, "I want to know how it went with Moony. Is he all right? He's back here awfully early."
Sirius sighed and wiped the sleep out of his eyes. He sat up and leaned his back against the headboard of his bed. "It didn't go well. I-I didn't know what to tell him James. I didn't have a good reason for doing what I did. I was stupid, plain and simple. How do you tell your friend that you betrayed him out of your own stupidity? How can he forgive that?"
James shrugged. "What exactly happened when you went to see him?"
With another sigh Sirius told him what had happened in the hospital wing that morning.
"Did you expect any other reaction?"
Sirius shook his head and replied, "I don't know what I expected really...I mean I knew he would be upset...really upset. But seeing him break down like that. It was awful James."
"When I broke the news to him he only cried a little. He wouldn't let himself break down. Poor kid."
Covering his face with his hand Sirius nodded his head. "We're going to talk about it when he wakes up. I'm kind of scared."
"You should be," James said matter-of-factly.
"You're still mad at me too, aren't you, James?"
James nodded.
Sirius stared at his knees for a moment and then said in a voice more timid then James had ever heard it, "Does that mean I'm not still welcome at your house this summer?"
James sighed and smiled sadly. "I may be mad at you Sirius, but I don't hate you. I would never let you go back to that house after what you've told us. Of course you're still welcome. I don't think I ever got the chance to tell you this last night because when I went to find you...you had just done that very bad thing that I don't want to think about right now."
"What were you going to tell me?"
"I got a letter from my mum. I had told her that you were having 'problems' at home and that I wanted you to come live with us. She said she'd love to have you. I think you really charmed her that time you came for Christmas."
Sirius grinned at James. "Thank you," he whispered.
"My pleasure," he said. "You know Sirius...I don't think I'm really all that mad at you."
"You're not? But you just said..."
"I know what I said, but—well it's confusing. I think I'm just really angry about what you did. But somehow I understand why you did it...even though I think you're bloody thick for doing it...I understand. If I were really mad at you I don't think I'd be able to be anywhere near you right now without slapping you across the head."
"Well that's a relief," Sirius joked.
James lightly hit his hand across Sirius's head. Sirius laughed and then abruptly hugged James. He smiled in return and hugged his friend back.
"I'm going to go check on Remus," James said, pulling away. Sirius nodded and watched his friend go across the room. He then lay back down on his bed and resumed watching the sun dance across the ceiling. It was now moving in much different ways than it had before.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
James peered through the curtains to see if Remus was still asleep. He was not.
"Hey, mate," James said and step through the curtains. He sat next to Remus, who smiled slightly at him. "I just talked to Sirius."
Remus's eyes darkened and he nodded. "What did you talk about?"
"What happened earlier with you...and about the fact that I have forgiven him."
"You have?"
James nodded.
"You think I should too, don't you James?"
"That's up to you, mate. You need to actually talk to him first. He hasn't even explained himself to you yet."
"He could have..."
"I know he could have Remus...but you're not the easiest person to talk to when you're upset—and before you say it, I know, it's his own fault!"
"Well it is!" he mumbled, slightly embarrassed that James knew exactly what was going through his head.
James smirked. "I'm just curious Remus...do you realize that Sirius is sorry?"
"Yes but..."
Holding up his hand to stop Remus, James continued, "And do you realize how much he cares about you?"
"I kind of wonder right now..."
"Remus," James said in a warning voice.
"Yes, I know that he cares about me."
"And do you realize how scared he is right now that you aren't going to forgive him?"
Remus sighed and nodded.
"Just hear him out. I'm not saying you have to forgive him. But give him a chance to explain without you striking complete fear into him."
"I hate this," Remus mumbled covering his face with his hands.
"I know you do, mate."
"James I just don't even want to talk to him right now...I don't think I can."
"You don't have to do it right now...that's not why I came over here. But you do have to talk to him eventually."
Remus nodded and shut his eyes for a few seconds.
"It's almost time for dinner Rem....are you going to go down?
Remus shook his head. "Could you bring me something back?"
"Sure mate. I'll see you later."
James turned to leave but Remus stopped him, "And can you make sure Sirius knows I don't want to see him right now?"
"Yeah...even though I think you should talk to him sooner than later."
Remus shrugged and let him go. He listened to James footsteps walk away and heard him say, "Lets go to dinner Sirius."
"I want to talk to Remus first."
"He's not ready to talk to you Sirius."
"He's not...? Why?"
"I think he's not ready to deal with whatever he's thinking about."
"It feels like he's just trying to think of more and more reasons of why he shouldn't forgive me."
Remus looked down at his knees as he listened, twirling the edge of the blanket between his fingers. Sirius had his motives nailed. Remus was mad; there was no doubt about that. He knew how persuasive Sirius could be. Surely, the second Sirius explained himself Remus would forgive him. If he allowed this to happen, Remus wouldn't be teaching Sirius a lesson at all. Sirius needed to learn that he can't always be his impulsive self.
"But I suppose he shouldn't really forgive me anyway...you know what he said to me earlier?"
"What?"
"He asked me why I had stopped him from killing himself when I was going to cause his death anyway...I think he actually thought that I wanted him to die! And....James, I don't know how to convince him that I would never even want to hurt him. If I'd have caused his death I'd soon after be causing my own! I'm just so fucking stupid!"
Remus felt his heart constrict tightly for a moment as he weakly climbed out of his bed. He silently pulled his curtains back slightly and walked into the main part of the room where he could see that Sirius had pulled the blankets tightly over his head. James was quietly trying to get him to come out. He saw Remus approaching. Remus held a finger to his lips so James wouldn't give away his presence.
Remus grabbed the edge of the blanket and sharply yanked it out of Sirius's grasp.
"James go a—Remus!" Sirius yelled, now looking up into Remus's expressionless face.
"Could you give us a moment alone James?" Remus asked.
"Sure I'll go find Peter, hopefully he'll be ready for dinner."
They both watched James leave. Remus then made himself comfortable on the foot end of Sirius's bed.
"I thought you didn't want to talk to me yet."
"I didn't until I realized how stupid I was being. I heard everything you and James just said. And you're right, I didn't want to talk to you because I'm not ready to forgive...but that's just stupid."
"It's understandable..."
"That doesn't matter," Remus said sharply. "I just...I want to know what happened last night...I've heard it from James and I've heard it from Dumbledore. I want to here it from you."
Sirius nodded his head and remained silent for a few seconds. "Okay, so Snape stole my wand, right?"
"Is that why you sent him after me?" Remus asked scathingly.
"Remus..." Sirius said in a pleading voice.
"Sorry..."
"Anyway so I went back to find it and he tripped me and then taunted me with my own wand. He was going to curse me or something when I didn't have a wand at all. So I basically told him the only way he could beat anyone was when the opponent was unarmed...He told me he could take out anyone of us any day of the week. And it made me so mad that he thought he was better than us...that Slytherin asshole!"
Sirius sighed and ran a hand through his hand. He looked at Remus to see if he understood what he had said so far, but his face was unreadable.
"Anyway, so I was just so mad...and it was stupid to get so mad. I don't even know why it made me so mad! So I told him he couldn't beat you last night. He took it as a challenge and I just told him where you were and how to get there. It's like my mouth ran away from me. As I was saying it I knew I shouldn't be...but I just couldn't help it. I thought Snape needed a reality check or something."
Remus remained silent, chewing on his lip roughly.
"And so Snape left, planning on going to find you at 8:00...and I just started walking back to the dorm. Every step I took away from that spot I realized how stupid I had been. By the time I ran into James...thank god for James....I was like frantic. I don't think I could have done anything to save Snape...if I hadn't seen James just then. I'm sorry Remus...I never wanted to hurt you! I don't know what I would have done if..."
"If I'd have killed Snape."
"No, if they would have taken you away from me and the guys."
Remus looked down at his feet.
"I'm so fucking stupid. You have every right not to forgive me. I don't even forgive me." He curled up into a ball and pulled the blanket back up over his head. He felt the bed shake as Remus got up off of it. Remus wasn't going to forgive him. He bit his lip hard to keep from crying.
He thought Remus had walked away and gone to his own bed or down stairs. However, when he felt a hand on his back and the blanket slowly gliding out from his light grasp on it he found that Remus was standing beside him.
With a trembling lip he looked up at Remus. "I'm so sorry," he whispered.
"I know," Remus whispered back. He grabbed Sirius's hand and pulled him into a sitting position.
"Do...does...I mean...am I...forgiven?"
Remus nodded.
Sirius didn't know whether to laugh or cry so he did neither. He half smiled at Remus and then pulled him into a tight hug, burying his face in Remus's shoulder.
Remus laughed lightly and hugged back.
"If you ever do something like this again, though, I'm going to drown you in the bathtub."
Sirius released a muffled laugh and hugged Remus tighter. "It won't be happening again...I promise you that."
After they pulled apart Sirius was still biting his lip.
Remus put his hand on his shoulder. "Are you alright?"
Sirius shrugged roughly, wiping his eyes with the cuff of his sleeve.
"Sirius?"
"I just feel so bad!" Sirius moaned. "I can only imagine how hurt you must have felt...probably still feel. And I caused it. And even though you forgave me...I still hurt you. There's nothing I can do to take that back." A few tears began to fall down his face.
"You did hurt me, Sirius. You hurt me really bad...but you've been there for me so many other times."
"Did you really think that I wanted you dead?"
Remus shook his head, "No, I just found it really ironic. The person who saved me from killing myself almost caused my death in another way."
"I'm really sorry," Sirius muttered.
"It's alright Sirius, I forgive you. Now, you need to forgive yourself."
Sirius nodded and dried his eyes of the few tears that had fallen. They stared at each other for a moment.
"This is weird," Sirius stated.
"Yeah it is. It shouldn't be," Remus replied.
"But it is..."
Remus nodded and laughed lightly. Sirius smiled at him, glad to see his friend laughing again.
"Are you feeling better than this morning?" Sirius asked.
"Well I haven't gotten stuck in any stair wells...I guess that's good right? And I made it over here to your bed. I'm still pretty sore and my head hurts...the usual."
Sirius half smiled at him. Remus sighed awkwardly. "I think I'm going to go lie down again."
"Okay, I think I'll go down and meet James at dinner."
They both stood up, but neither immediately left.
"Okay, bye," Sirius said and finally turned away. Remus watched him go and then slowly made his way to bed, nearly immediately falling back to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey James, where's Peter?" Sirius asked as he sat across from James at the table.
"I don't know, but I didn't feel like waiting to find out." He lowered his voice and added, "How did it go with Remus?"
Sirius sighed, scooping a large quantity of mashed potatoes onto his plate. "He's forgiven me...but I don't think he should have. And now things are just weird between us. Like, I don't even know what to say to him."
"At least he forgave you. Things will probably get better soon."
"I hope so."
Sirius sighed. "I just hope we can all get past this. What does Peter think of all this?"
James shrugged. "I honestly haven't seen him since we left Dumbledore's office."
"That can't be good," Sirius said tentatively as he dug into his mashed potatoes.
"We never really know what's going on in his head...why try now?"
"I don't know...I wish this hadn't happened. I'm such a fool."
"Yup, you are," James said matter-of-factly.
Watching Sirius dejectedly eat his mashed potatoes, James couldn't help but laugh.
"What?" Sirius asked.
"Why don't you eat something else? Some chicken perhaps?"
"I don't want to."
"Sirius..."
"I only want potatoes."
"Okay, mate, but when you come to my house my mother is not going to let you get away with eating like that."
Sirius looked up at the mention of his new summer arrangements and couldn't help but smile slightly. James had to smile back. Sirius then went back to eating his potatoes in silence.
Suddenly Sirius looked up again, throwing his fork down on the table. "I don't feel like I can talk to you now, either! I hate this!"
"Sirius..." James started as Sirius got up and walked straight out of the hall. James sighed and followed.
Out of the castle and down towards the lake Sirius walked without turning at the sound of his friend's continuous pleas to stop.
Tired of waiting for his friend to stop James sprinted ahead and stopped in front of Sirius, grabbing his soldiers. Sirius refused to look in to James face. "What is your issue, Sirius? We forgave you! Not only that but we forgave you really easily. We could have been much harder on you!"
"Maybe you should have been."
"Maybe...but we know you Sirius. We know you would never mean to hurt Remus...and you know that too. That's why we forgave you."
Sirius's shoulders slumped as he tried to find the words to express how he was feeling. "James, you don't get it."
"Then explain it to me."
"It's just, I could have totally ruined Remus's life right? Do you know how awful it feels to realize what I could have done? I mean, thank the Lord it didn't happen, but it could have...and it would have been MY fault! And I'm—I'm—I guess I'm embarrassed. I mean, how stupid can you get? And I don't know what to say to either of you except that I'm sorry! How many times can I say that without sounding like an idiot?!"
"Sirius, do you realize this happened yesterday? There's nothing else to talk about right now. Nothing else has happened! But we'll go to classes tomorrow...do other shit, and everything will go back to normal I promise you that."
"I hate this feeling," Sirius mumbled.
"Well consider this a lesson learned. And I know you really learned this all too well, but now you know what not to tell people in regards to your friends."
Sirius just shook his head and sat down on the cool grass.
James sat beside him and put his arm around Sirius, squeezing his neck in a comforting gesture. "Want to go for a fly? It'll take your mind off everything."
Sirius nodded.
"Okay, you stay here I'll go get our brooms."
"Okay," Sirius whispered and watched James retreat. He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.
After a few minutes he heard footsteps approach. "That was fast, James," he said, sitting up.
However, his eyes didn't fall on James, rather two figures in black robes, standing quite defensively.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There...if it's at all obvious I didn't know where to take this story after that, but I think I like the plan I've developed in my head...hopefully you'll all like it as well. Anywhere between one and three chapter left until the end of this story.
PLEASE REVIEW!!!