5.  Soul searching.

Thursday evening, Professor Snape walked the halls. As usual, he had long finished grading the papers of that day. He never was one for socializing and he liked getting his work done immediately after class. It gave him time in the evening to work on some potions of his own, or, like today, to patrol the school for students out after curfew. Not that he found anyone today. It was quiet, even in the Astronomy Tower and the corridors near the kitchen.

Coming towards the Ravenclaw common room, he finally heard someone, but as he rounded the corner he found it was Harry, on his Prefect rounds.

"Evening, Professor," the boy greeted him.

"Harry," Professor Snape returned the greeting. It was the first time he caught Harry alone since school had started, and he hadn't been sure how to address the boy when they were alone, but Harry's name came naturally enough. "How are your classes going?"

"Fine, sir," Harry replied. "In spite of the reasons, the new lessons sure are interesting."

"And the previous lessons weren't?" Professor Snape asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Er, well, some were," Harry replied. "But History of Magic is much better now. Although I'm afraid Professor Binns is having a hard time with the changes. Defense is very interesting and I can't wait 'til we start Apparating."

"How is Professor Figg in the class?" Professor Snape inquired.

Harry frowned, and Snape was pleased to see the boy thought before he spoke.

"She's alright I suppose. She knows a lot, about curses and counter curses and everything, and she can explain it pretty well. But I don't know how she could have been an Auror. She just doesn't see what is going on around her, doesn't notice if anyone is passing notes under the table and on Tuesday Fred…," Harry broke off suddenly, then continued quickly. "She acts very stern, but she isn't very perceptive."

Professor Snape ignored Harry's slip. If a Defense against the Dark Arts teacher couldn't take care of herself, well, that was no skin off his back. As long as it didn't affect the students. "Can she handle the class/?" he asked.

"She seems strict enough, and the lessons are interesting enough too keep most students paying attention, but she doesn't keep track of anything else that's going on. I hope there won't be any trouble when we start on the nastier curses."

Snape nodded slowly as he found his concerns echoed by Harry. The boy really had grown up. "We'll hope she can keep anyone from getting into any bigger trouble than Madam Pomfrey can get them out of," he smirked. "But let me or the Headmaster know if things get out of hand."

"Yes, sir," Harry promised.

With another nod, Professor Snape bade Harry goodnight and they each went on their way. Snape was glad Harry understood he couldn't call him by his first name and show favouritism in front of the students, but they could talk more easily alone. It had been a mistake to judge Harry as just another Potter. The boy was more mature at fifteen than his father had ever been. Or Black. Professor Snape snorted –his opinion of either of them hadn't changed. Although perhaps Lupin had been a better choice as a Defense teacher than anyone else they'd had. Not that that was saying a lot.

-0-

The next evening Professor Snape arrived early –as usual- for the 'study group'. The first one there, he checked the room for curses or listening spells, and found it clean. He had just finished and sat down, when Albus arrived with Black, in his Animagus form.

"It's all clear," he reported.

Black managed to harrumph, even as a dog, but to Snape's relief Albus ignored it. The Headmaster trusted him and frankly Snape didn't care about Black's opinion.

"Thank you, Severus," Albus replied. He took a seat as well, and Black sat down on the floor. Soon the students arrived, and the rest of the staff. Snape could have done without most of them.

Filius set the wards and Black transformed, then Albus started with a report on the previous week. To Professor Snape's surprise, Harry had managed to teach Weasley a word or two in Parseltongue. He looked at Weasley in amazement as the boy hissed something.

"It's 'back off', 'hello' and 'open'," Harry explained. "We though those made the most sense to start with."

"So anyone can learn?" Filius asked.

Professor Snape noticed Granger turned red.

"We think so, but Hermione had much more difficulty than Ron," Harry replied.

"I'm only up to 'back off'," Granger said unhappily. "I can manage but it's very hard."

So the miracle girl couldn't do everything. Not that it'd hurt if she found a thing or two she wasn't good in, Professor Snape thought.

"That's good to know," Albus said. "You will teach us all those words, it could come in useful. See me after this session and we'll see where we fit it in."

"Yes, sir," Harry replied.

Then the Headmaster nodded to Minerva, who took over.

"Tonight we start the Animagus training. Please find a comfortable seat, as we start with some mental exercises."

Professor Snape felt himself stiffen. Of course he'd known the schedule, but he'd rather have done anything else. Even teaching the killing curse would be better, something he was far from comfortable with, however necessary.

"One of the greatest dangers of transforming is that once you have your animal shape, the animal's mind and instinct will try to take over. Once that happens, it is impossible to transform back without outside help. To prevent this, it is important that you know exactly who you are as a human. You must know and accept your inner self, as well as your own body," Minerva lectured. "Not everything you discover may be pleasant, and I believe this is one of the most important reasons so few people become Animagi, more so than the time it takes to learn."

She wasn't looking at him, but she might as well have been. He was going to hate this and he would never go through with this if Albus hadn't insisted.

"Make yourself comfortable, close your eyes, and try to feel who you really are. Not who others think you are, not who you want to be, but who you are," Minerva continued. "Eventually you will learn to find something pleasant to focus on, something you really like about yourself, that can act as a beacon to bring you back to your human state. But you must know it all, not only the good parts."

Professor Snape didn't even like closing his eyes in a room full of people, even people he could mostly trust. Being a Death Eater and then a spy did that to you.

And for who he was, great, where to start? A Death Eater, fine, an ex Death Eater, but that didn't erase the things he'd done. He'd killed and tortured people for no other reason than they were Muggle born, or because they held information valuable to the Dark Lord. He'd brewed poisons and Veritaserum, all so he could gain power and status. Until he'd found out it didn't give him much of either, not really, not when he was a slave to the Dark Lord. Then he'd turned to Albus. So he was a traitor too. For a good reason, but a traitor nonetheless.

He was bitter and hateful. Well, that was easy, there wasn't much difference between how others saw him and how he was inside. He snorted in disgust.

"At least try to relax," Minerva said from right next to him, and he jumped.

"Don't do that," he snapped.

"Do what?" she asked innocently.

"Sneak up on me," he replied, annoyed. She knew damn well what he meant, and she should have known better than to sneak up on him in the first place.

"If you don't feel comfortable with your eyes closed, then keep them open. It's only meant to help you concentrate," she suggested.

Oh, great. So now everyone in the room knew he wasn't just bitter and hateful, but jumpy too. He looked around and caught Black smirking at him. It certainly didn't help that two of his least favorite people were teaching this class!

Some of the others –students and Filius, as well- had glanced at him but they'd quickly looked away and closed their eyes again when he glared at them. Okay, bitter, hateful, jumpy and intimidating. He sneered as he realized the last was at least somewhat enjoyable. He wasn't sure if Minerva would count it as something positive, but it was a start.

What else did he have? Potions. Potions was something he enjoyed, and it was definitely part of him. The trouble was that Potions made him think of Potions class, and Potions class meant teaching such dunderheads as Longbottom.

How had he ever got himself into this mess? He wasn't even sure if he meant his entire position here or this despicable bout of soul searching. Both, perhaps.

He let his eyes roam around the room. Most of the students seemed uneasy, and Minerva moved among them giving various kinds of advice. She spoke quietly and didn't sneak up on them –had she done so to him on purpose or was he really that jumpy? Filius was smiling, obviously pleased with whatever he found, and to Snape's surprise Albus was frowning. Surely the Headmaster had little to be unhappy about? Black was walking around talking to the students as well, and it was an effort not to listen in on what he was saying. It certainly wouldn't help to get even more upset.

How had Black managed this part of the Animagus training? Or Potter, let alone that rat of a Pettigrew? Black and Potter had probably been arrogant enough to enjoy this, it seemed to be a Gryffindor trait to be much too happy with oneself. But Pettigrew had always been the runt of the pack, his grades nowhere near the level of the others, couldn't get a place on the Quidditch team even though Snape knew he'd tried out several times, and finally he'd joined Voldemort. How had Pettigrew ever managed to become an Animagus with all that working against him? Well, if Pettigrew could do it, so could he, Professor Snape decided. There, that was something else, he could be quite determined. Oh, fine, stubborn if you insist. He sighed.

Finally, Minerva called everyone's attention again.

"Please take any time you can to practice during the week," she told them. "If you have any difficulties, you can always come to me."

Yeah, as if. It was bad enough he had to deal with her in here, he wouldn't ever seek her out.

-0-

Hermione had an easier time, but she certainly hadn't liked everything she'd found out about herself. She'd realized she was insecure, which was silly, really, considering her usual grades. A perfectionist, too, and a bookworm, though she didn't consider either of those to be a bad thing.

And then there was her hair. It resisted every attempt to tame it, whether by spell or Muggle hair spray. At least her teeth were better since that time Draco had cursed her. All in all she certainly wasn't unhappy, but she wasn't all satisfied either. It worried her a little, especially when she realised it was her silly insecurity acting up again. Of course she could learn.

She was still mulling it over when she left the classroom with Harry and Ron. To her surprise, Crookshanks was waiting for her in the corridor. The cat meowed and rubbed her ankles.

"Hey Crookshanks, what are you doing here, boy?" she asked the cat, and she bent over meaning to pick him up. The cat, however, slipped out of her hands and scratched at the door of the adjacent classroom.

"Come on silly, we're going back to the common room," Hermione said as she made to follow Harry and Ron.

The cat meowed, sounding annoyed, then walked off down the hall, looking at her after a few steps.

Harry stopped and retraced his steps, Ron trailing him. They looked at her. "Are you coming, 'mione?"

"Yeah, I guess," Hermione said. "It's just Crookshanks is acting a little weird again."

Harry looked alarmed. "He wouldn't have found another rat, you think?"

Hermione stared at him. "He can't have. The wards detect rats now, remember the Headmaster told us?"

Dumbledore had ensured her last year when she had been worried about Pettigrew. Unfortunately the wards couldn't be set to detect Animagi in general so Rita Skeeter had still been able to sneak in. Well, she'd taken care of that al right.

Harry nodded. "Perhaps we should still see what he wants," he suggested.

Hermione wasn't that sure, likely Crooks was just being silly. On the other hand, he had known about Pettigrew, or at least he'd known something wasn't right with the rat. "Okay," she said. "We'll look."

Crookshanks took off before she finished speaking.

"I think he understood," Ron said.

It sure had looked that way, Hermione had to admit. The three of them followed until they came to a corridor near the Astronomy Tower. There, Crookshanks looked back once more before rounding the corner. They followed.

The only occupant of the corridor was Draco, strolling the hall and looking at them with contempt. "What are you doing here?" he demanded.

Harry was the first to reply. "What does it matter? It's not curfew yet."

"What are you doing here? It's not your shift," Hermione inquired.

"If you must know, I traded with Patsy," Draco drawled. "Which means you –or at least one of you- better be back in the common room before it is curfew."

Prefects were technically allowed out of the common room after curfew, even if they weren't on duty, but they weren't supposed to abuse the privilege. And Ron, of course, wasn't a Prefect.

"Oh, don't worry, we will," Hermione said, refusing to take the bait and cutting off Ron before he could. Professor McGonagall had asked them to do their best to work with Draco, and so she would. If he didn't go too far.

Crookshanks was still milling around and now that they were making to leave, the cat hissed at Draco.

"Granger, take that ball of fluff away before I curse it," Draco told her.

Glaring at him –touching Crookshanks would definitely set her off- she reached for the cat.

"Come, Crookshanks, we'll look for better company elsewhere."

The cat still had his hackles raised, but this time he let her pick him up.

"Well, can't say he has a bad taste," Harry said as they walked back.

"I bet Draco was trying to spy on the Study Group," Ron said.

"Draco is a Prefect, and allowed in the corridors. Besides, he couldn't possibly break through the wards Professor Flitwick set," Hermione argued.

"That's true, but as a Prefect, he has access to almost any place in the school. I'm sure he's a Death Eater, or going to be," Ron replied.

"Professor Snape wouldn't make him Prefect if he didn't trust him," Hermione said.

"And we trust Professor Snape since when?" Ron asked sceptically.

"Since this summer," Harry replied quietly. "I'm absolutely sure he isn't a Death Eater anymore. But I don't trust Draco. Professor Snape could be wrong or perhaps he has other reasons."

"Reasons to make a Death Eater a Prefect?" Ron asked.

Harry shrugged. "Not like he had a lot of choice this year. I don't know if any of the others in our year are that much better, rumor has it they're all from Death Eater families. Plus Crabbe and Goyle are plain stupid."

"We'll keep an eye on him, perhaps Crookshanks was really trying to tell us something. I wish I knew what," Hermione sighed.

"Filch says anyone can understand a cat, as long as they can be bothered to listen," Harry said with a frown.

"Filch?" Ron squeaked. "You spoke to Filch too? Don't tell me that he's all nice and friendly to you as well."

"Not really nice and friendly," Harry said, "But I don't think he's all that bad. It must be hard to be a Squib in a school full of witches and wizards."

Ron groaned, and Hermione couldn't help but feel sceptical as well, but she didn't question Harry's comment. Instead, she went back to the subject at hand. "He told you how he talks to Mrs Norris?"

"He just said that most people didn't know how to listen, or something. You'll have to ask him."

Hermione hesitated. She always wanted to learn, but she didn't relish the idea of approaching Filch. Although he didn't yell at her as often as at her friends, who were more likely to track mud through the halls after their Quidditch practice, she would do her best to avoid him. "I'll try to look it up in the library first," she decided.

Harry and Ron laughed at that, but she didn't mind, she was used to that reaction whenever she mentioned the library. They had reached the portrait hole and, giving the password to the Fat Lady, they entered the common room. Hermione put Crookshanks down and they rejoined their housemates.