Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I do not own any of the characters, Joss Whedon
owns them all.
Authors Note: This is based off a Dido song called "Here With Me." It seems like it totally describes how Angel feels right after Cordelia dies. If you have the chance listen to it, it's really pretty.
Summary: This would occur in between "You're Welcome" when Cordelia dies, and "Why We Fight." It's Angel thinking about Cordelia, and all the things he could have said and done.
Here With Me
I didn't hear you leave, I wonder how am I still here, And I don't wanna move a thing, It might change my memory.
Oh I am what I am, I'll do what I want, But I can't hide, And I won't go, I won't sleep, I can't breathe, Until you're resting here with me, I won't leave, I can't hide, I cannot be, Until you're resting here with me.
I don't want to call my friends, They might wake me from this dream, And I can't leave this bed, Risk forgetting all that's been,
And I won't go, And I won't sleep, And I can't breath, Until you're resting here with me.
Angel had never felt do alone, so helpless in his life. He had always been the one 'helping the helpless', and now he was one of them. She was gone. Gone forever, and Angel could do nothing to bring her back. He needed her; he needed her to stay by his side. He needed her to survive.
He sat motionless on Cordelia's bed in her apartment. The spot he had been in for several hours now, after getting the dreaded phone call. The call that would tell him she was gone. His whole body seemed to throb with pain. The pain and agony of his heart breaking was worse than any pain he had ever felt. Cordelia Chase had been his best friend, and the girl he was madly in love with. What he felt for Cordy in his cold, un-beating heart was more than he had felt for anyone, ever. There had been times when she'd barely brush past him, or simply smile one of those smiles that melted all his worries away, and in those moments he could have sworn his heart really was beating. Cordelia Chase was his world, his everything and now he was gone.
His shiny eyes searched the room as if Cordelia would just walk right in at any moment. He couldn't even bring himself to touch or move anything. He felt if he did, it would strip away the chances of her returning. He had to leave it just as it was, so she would be happy when she returned. She would be pleased. He told himself over and over that she wasn't really gone; she'd be back soon. He wanted desperately to hold her, or even to see her big brown eyes again. She had come back to him for one day. Just up and awoke from the coma and spent the day with him and the gang, and then it all fell away into nothingness. But now it was over, and Angel was the only one left with the recollection of her one-day return.
He knew he should have protected her; kept her with him. He hadn't been strong enough for her. He let her go, and it was killing him now. Of course he blamed himself because he loved her, he was always supposed to be there, and he hadn't been. Not when she needed him the most.
Now she would never know how he felt. Never know that he had been in love with her long before their rendezvous at the ballet. She'd never know that when she ran to hug him on his returns, that her sweet scent filled his nostrils and made him feel happy again. That just seeing her laugh and smile brought peace to his heart. She was the only one that had been able to make him laugh, let alone smile. This was turning out all wrong. He was supposed to Shanshu, and spend the rest of his life with Cordy, and she was gone.
Cordelia had been in a coma for a long time and the thought had never occurred to Angel that she may die. He was going to bring her back, make her okay again. He just assumed she was waking up soon, not that she would be gone. Lost to him forever. He should have gotten her better care; he should have never given her care to Wolfram and Hart. The thoughts kept running through Angel's mind; it was his fault fault, and now she was gone. The woman he loved with his entire heart and soul was gone.
***
"What are we going to do Wes?" Fred asked.
"I don't know. I don't know what any of us can do for him." Wesley said comforting Fred.
"I just can't believe she's gone. Shouldn't Wolfram and Hart have been able to save her? Keep her with us?" Gunn asked.
"No one could have saved her. It was her time. Cordy did a lot for people, and for this world. Not to mention just for us and her time was up here." Lorne said.
"But, couldn't we try to bring her back?" Gunn asked.
"Absolutely not!" Lorne raised his voice slightly, "I don't know how you could even suggest that. Cordelia had been though so much already. Brining her back, would only kill her again, or destroy whatever second chance we tried to give her."
"Yeah, Lorne's right. Bringing Cordy back would be bad." Fred said, wiping the tears from her cheeks.
"But what about Angel?" Wesley asked. "He's not okay, obviously he couldn't be okay."
"He just needs time. The woman he loved, and never had a chance to be with died and he could do nothing to stop it." Lorne said.
"Yes, but he is just sitting there, in her apartment. He must be blaming himself, but it's not his fault." Gunn said.
"Yes, but he needs the time to heal, and to reflect on her death guys. He's upset." Wesley added.
"Should we maybe call him then?" Fred asked sniffing.
"I don't thing that's such a great idea Cupcake. I know you want to help, but think of Angel. He must be angry, and confused. He didn't expect her to die either, and he was rambling about her waking up or what not before he ran off. He definitely needs to be alone. He'll be alright, in time, he'll be alright." Lorne said smiling.
"All we can do is stick together right?" Fred said smiling as a few more tears trickled down her face and onto Wesley's shirt.
"Yup, we can only stick together Muffin." Lorne agreed. The four sat in silence.
***
Angel had finally gotten up from the spot he had been sitting in for at least five hours. He felt as if time were moving super slow, as to make his heartache more painful. He slowly walked across the room, and into Cordelia's closet. The smell of Cordelia's scent filled his nostrils immediately, and seemed to intoxicate him momentarily. He glided his hand across the numerous clothes on one side of the closet, and stopped on a red, satin shirt. This had been his favorite shirt of Cordy's; the one he had gotten her as part of his "forgiveness" present a few years ago. He slid it off the hanger and pressed it against his nose. Then he turned, with the shirt in hand out of the closet. He entered the kitchen where there were still dishes on the counter, as if she had just cleaned them. She'd been in a coma for a long time now, so they must have been there for ages.
Suddenly his eyes caught sight of a framed picture. It instantly brought the sting of tears back to his dark eyes. It was their favorite picture, and one that he too had framed on his desk at Wolfram and Hart. It was the picture of Cordelia and him that Lorne had taken. He carefully picked up the frame and softly rubbed his finger across her picture. He wished he could hold her in his arms again just one last time. To kiss her again once more or just see her sweet smile and those big brown eyes. Then he saw the envelope behind where the picture frame had been sitting.
Oddly enough it had his name written right in the center of the envelope. He carefully set the picture down and took the letter over to the bed. He sat down slowly, and opened the envelope. Inside was a letter written in Cordelia's perfect handwriting. He read it slowly;
To my dear Angel,
I'm so sorry to have left you like this. First I just want you to know that I am okay. I am happy at last. I was at rest in my comma, and I am now also. I got one last chance to say good-bye to you, and that's what I had to do. Sorry I could not stay longer. The others do not remember my return; I'm so sorry to have left you with the burden of remembering. But it was the only way I could see you one last time.
There's so much I have wanted to tell you, but haven't had the chance to. I guess I should start with apologizing. I'm so sorry for what I did to you Angel. I made a mistake, and I hope that you have forgiven me for it. I love you Angel. I always have, and I know I always will. I wanted to tell you so many times before, but I know now that it only would have hurt us both. We could have never been together, really together, and it would have killed us both. So maybe things worked out for the best.
I know it will be hard for you to get past this Angel, but you really do have to. There are so many people out there who still need your help. And help from the others. Don't forget about your friends, and the helpless people out there. You have to keep going, always 'help the helpless'. That's what we started out doing all those years ago, and you must continue Angel. It will be hard, but you are the strongest, most brave man I know, and you can move on. I know you won't want to Angel, but you have to let me go. You need to go on without me. I will always be watching you from above Angel. Just remember that, and remember I will always love you. Don't worry you' will see me again someday. You'll always be my Angel, and I'll be waiting for you right here. Good-bye for now Angel.
Your girl forever,
Cordy
Angel couldn't stop the tears from coming this time, and he didn't want to. She must have known the whole time; known it was the end for her. It was her time. Angel understood now. He knew why she had come back, and only to him. He could almost feel her watching down on him, and she knew he was smiling. Cordelia was right, she always was. He did need to move on. He had to let go of her physically, but remember that she would always be with him. Watching and waiting for him to come back to her again. And he always would come back to her. Always. Angel now knew exactly what he had to do.
***
"How is Angel going to get over this Lorne?" Gunn asked.
"Don't worry Cupcake, I know Angel, and he'll come to realize exactly what he has to do. Somehow he'll know." Lorne said smiling.
"Will he?" Angel asked from the doorway. He had a smile on his face, although it was still obvious he had been crying.
"Angel?!?" Wesley asked standing up.
Angel put up his hand to silence him. "We've lost a lot of friends over the year's guys and it always hard. Cordelia Chase was a close...very close friend and we will all miss her. But in my heart I know she wants us to go on helping people. It's what Cordelia and I started out doing when we created Angel Investigations, and it's what we must do here now from Wolfram and Hart. We must stay together; friends until the end. But we must let go of the physical person, and savor the memories. Cordy will always, always be in our hearts, and that is where we must keep her." Angel finished, as he held back more tears.
The others didn't know what to say. They simply stood there motionless and shocked. Fred was silently crying again, and Wes and Gunn were obviously holding back tears also. Lorne smiled at Angel.
"Okay guys, back to work then?" Angel said grinning.
"Yes boss." Gunn said patting him on the shoulder as he left Angel's office.
Wesley did the same, and Fred responded by giving Angel a big hug and kissing him on the cheek. Lorne simply smiled.
"Good job Cupcake. You got it right, Cordelia would be very proud of you." Lorne said as he left the room.
Angel looked up to the roof, just to make sure Cordy wasn't actually above him.
"Thank you Cordy. You've done more for me then you will ever know, and I promise to never let go of you. I'll always be here, and we'll be together soon. I love you." And with that being said Angel sat down to see who he could help next.
The End.
Authors Note: This is based off a Dido song called "Here With Me." It seems like it totally describes how Angel feels right after Cordelia dies. If you have the chance listen to it, it's really pretty.
Summary: This would occur in between "You're Welcome" when Cordelia dies, and "Why We Fight." It's Angel thinking about Cordelia, and all the things he could have said and done.
Here With Me
I didn't hear you leave, I wonder how am I still here, And I don't wanna move a thing, It might change my memory.
Oh I am what I am, I'll do what I want, But I can't hide, And I won't go, I won't sleep, I can't breathe, Until you're resting here with me, I won't leave, I can't hide, I cannot be, Until you're resting here with me.
I don't want to call my friends, They might wake me from this dream, And I can't leave this bed, Risk forgetting all that's been,
And I won't go, And I won't sleep, And I can't breath, Until you're resting here with me.
Angel had never felt do alone, so helpless in his life. He had always been the one 'helping the helpless', and now he was one of them. She was gone. Gone forever, and Angel could do nothing to bring her back. He needed her; he needed her to stay by his side. He needed her to survive.
He sat motionless on Cordelia's bed in her apartment. The spot he had been in for several hours now, after getting the dreaded phone call. The call that would tell him she was gone. His whole body seemed to throb with pain. The pain and agony of his heart breaking was worse than any pain he had ever felt. Cordelia Chase had been his best friend, and the girl he was madly in love with. What he felt for Cordy in his cold, un-beating heart was more than he had felt for anyone, ever. There had been times when she'd barely brush past him, or simply smile one of those smiles that melted all his worries away, and in those moments he could have sworn his heart really was beating. Cordelia Chase was his world, his everything and now he was gone.
His shiny eyes searched the room as if Cordelia would just walk right in at any moment. He couldn't even bring himself to touch or move anything. He felt if he did, it would strip away the chances of her returning. He had to leave it just as it was, so she would be happy when she returned. She would be pleased. He told himself over and over that she wasn't really gone; she'd be back soon. He wanted desperately to hold her, or even to see her big brown eyes again. She had come back to him for one day. Just up and awoke from the coma and spent the day with him and the gang, and then it all fell away into nothingness. But now it was over, and Angel was the only one left with the recollection of her one-day return.
He knew he should have protected her; kept her with him. He hadn't been strong enough for her. He let her go, and it was killing him now. Of course he blamed himself because he loved her, he was always supposed to be there, and he hadn't been. Not when she needed him the most.
Now she would never know how he felt. Never know that he had been in love with her long before their rendezvous at the ballet. She'd never know that when she ran to hug him on his returns, that her sweet scent filled his nostrils and made him feel happy again. That just seeing her laugh and smile brought peace to his heart. She was the only one that had been able to make him laugh, let alone smile. This was turning out all wrong. He was supposed to Shanshu, and spend the rest of his life with Cordy, and she was gone.
Cordelia had been in a coma for a long time and the thought had never occurred to Angel that she may die. He was going to bring her back, make her okay again. He just assumed she was waking up soon, not that she would be gone. Lost to him forever. He should have gotten her better care; he should have never given her care to Wolfram and Hart. The thoughts kept running through Angel's mind; it was his fault fault, and now she was gone. The woman he loved with his entire heart and soul was gone.
***
"What are we going to do Wes?" Fred asked.
"I don't know. I don't know what any of us can do for him." Wesley said comforting Fred.
"I just can't believe she's gone. Shouldn't Wolfram and Hart have been able to save her? Keep her with us?" Gunn asked.
"No one could have saved her. It was her time. Cordy did a lot for people, and for this world. Not to mention just for us and her time was up here." Lorne said.
"But, couldn't we try to bring her back?" Gunn asked.
"Absolutely not!" Lorne raised his voice slightly, "I don't know how you could even suggest that. Cordelia had been though so much already. Brining her back, would only kill her again, or destroy whatever second chance we tried to give her."
"Yeah, Lorne's right. Bringing Cordy back would be bad." Fred said, wiping the tears from her cheeks.
"But what about Angel?" Wesley asked. "He's not okay, obviously he couldn't be okay."
"He just needs time. The woman he loved, and never had a chance to be with died and he could do nothing to stop it." Lorne said.
"Yes, but he is just sitting there, in her apartment. He must be blaming himself, but it's not his fault." Gunn said.
"Yes, but he needs the time to heal, and to reflect on her death guys. He's upset." Wesley added.
"Should we maybe call him then?" Fred asked sniffing.
"I don't thing that's such a great idea Cupcake. I know you want to help, but think of Angel. He must be angry, and confused. He didn't expect her to die either, and he was rambling about her waking up or what not before he ran off. He definitely needs to be alone. He'll be alright, in time, he'll be alright." Lorne said smiling.
"All we can do is stick together right?" Fred said smiling as a few more tears trickled down her face and onto Wesley's shirt.
"Yup, we can only stick together Muffin." Lorne agreed. The four sat in silence.
***
Angel had finally gotten up from the spot he had been sitting in for at least five hours. He felt as if time were moving super slow, as to make his heartache more painful. He slowly walked across the room, and into Cordelia's closet. The smell of Cordelia's scent filled his nostrils immediately, and seemed to intoxicate him momentarily. He glided his hand across the numerous clothes on one side of the closet, and stopped on a red, satin shirt. This had been his favorite shirt of Cordy's; the one he had gotten her as part of his "forgiveness" present a few years ago. He slid it off the hanger and pressed it against his nose. Then he turned, with the shirt in hand out of the closet. He entered the kitchen where there were still dishes on the counter, as if she had just cleaned them. She'd been in a coma for a long time now, so they must have been there for ages.
Suddenly his eyes caught sight of a framed picture. It instantly brought the sting of tears back to his dark eyes. It was their favorite picture, and one that he too had framed on his desk at Wolfram and Hart. It was the picture of Cordelia and him that Lorne had taken. He carefully picked up the frame and softly rubbed his finger across her picture. He wished he could hold her in his arms again just one last time. To kiss her again once more or just see her sweet smile and those big brown eyes. Then he saw the envelope behind where the picture frame had been sitting.
Oddly enough it had his name written right in the center of the envelope. He carefully set the picture down and took the letter over to the bed. He sat down slowly, and opened the envelope. Inside was a letter written in Cordelia's perfect handwriting. He read it slowly;
To my dear Angel,
I'm so sorry to have left you like this. First I just want you to know that I am okay. I am happy at last. I was at rest in my comma, and I am now also. I got one last chance to say good-bye to you, and that's what I had to do. Sorry I could not stay longer. The others do not remember my return; I'm so sorry to have left you with the burden of remembering. But it was the only way I could see you one last time.
There's so much I have wanted to tell you, but haven't had the chance to. I guess I should start with apologizing. I'm so sorry for what I did to you Angel. I made a mistake, and I hope that you have forgiven me for it. I love you Angel. I always have, and I know I always will. I wanted to tell you so many times before, but I know now that it only would have hurt us both. We could have never been together, really together, and it would have killed us both. So maybe things worked out for the best.
I know it will be hard for you to get past this Angel, but you really do have to. There are so many people out there who still need your help. And help from the others. Don't forget about your friends, and the helpless people out there. You have to keep going, always 'help the helpless'. That's what we started out doing all those years ago, and you must continue Angel. It will be hard, but you are the strongest, most brave man I know, and you can move on. I know you won't want to Angel, but you have to let me go. You need to go on without me. I will always be watching you from above Angel. Just remember that, and remember I will always love you. Don't worry you' will see me again someday. You'll always be my Angel, and I'll be waiting for you right here. Good-bye for now Angel.
Your girl forever,
Cordy
Angel couldn't stop the tears from coming this time, and he didn't want to. She must have known the whole time; known it was the end for her. It was her time. Angel understood now. He knew why she had come back, and only to him. He could almost feel her watching down on him, and she knew he was smiling. Cordelia was right, she always was. He did need to move on. He had to let go of her physically, but remember that she would always be with him. Watching and waiting for him to come back to her again. And he always would come back to her. Always. Angel now knew exactly what he had to do.
***
"How is Angel going to get over this Lorne?" Gunn asked.
"Don't worry Cupcake, I know Angel, and he'll come to realize exactly what he has to do. Somehow he'll know." Lorne said smiling.
"Will he?" Angel asked from the doorway. He had a smile on his face, although it was still obvious he had been crying.
"Angel?!?" Wesley asked standing up.
Angel put up his hand to silence him. "We've lost a lot of friends over the year's guys and it always hard. Cordelia Chase was a close...very close friend and we will all miss her. But in my heart I know she wants us to go on helping people. It's what Cordelia and I started out doing when we created Angel Investigations, and it's what we must do here now from Wolfram and Hart. We must stay together; friends until the end. But we must let go of the physical person, and savor the memories. Cordy will always, always be in our hearts, and that is where we must keep her." Angel finished, as he held back more tears.
The others didn't know what to say. They simply stood there motionless and shocked. Fred was silently crying again, and Wes and Gunn were obviously holding back tears also. Lorne smiled at Angel.
"Okay guys, back to work then?" Angel said grinning.
"Yes boss." Gunn said patting him on the shoulder as he left Angel's office.
Wesley did the same, and Fred responded by giving Angel a big hug and kissing him on the cheek. Lorne simply smiled.
"Good job Cupcake. You got it right, Cordelia would be very proud of you." Lorne said as he left the room.
Angel looked up to the roof, just to make sure Cordy wasn't actually above him.
"Thank you Cordy. You've done more for me then you will ever know, and I promise to never let go of you. I'll always be here, and we'll be together soon. I love you." And with that being said Angel sat down to see who he could help next.
The End.