Disclaimer: (This one will be standing so I won't have to type it out each time) All things Mighty Ducks related belongs to Disney. Oh, and the song obviously belongs to Nirvana.
Author's Notes: thanks to my readers, fellow Adam angst lovers…Unfortunately Adam is going to go through a lot but don't worry, he'll get his happiness too…eventually…Sorry to all Dean Portman fans but come on, every fic has to have a villain and in this case…yeah…individual notes are at the bottom of the chapter
Radio Song
Chapter Two
Adams POVI could tell that even though Charlie tried to be upbeat, he couldn't take his mind off of what was brewing up at home. No matter what I did or what I said it only got a slight grin from Charlie but his eyes stayed the same: troubled and clouded. I couldn't take it anymore; it was obvious nothing I'd say would make him feel better.
"I don't want to, you know, be nosy but if you're feeling that bad Charlie, maybe you should head home for the rest of the weekend and try to work something out."
It sounded a lot harsher than it did in my head. I nearly patted him on the shoulder reassuringly but stopped myself. I'm not much of a touchy-feely kind of person. Touching other people when it isn't absolutely necessary kind of creeps me out.
"You know maybe you're right." Charlie had his hands in his pockets and was hunched over, pathetically kicking at the rocks on the sidewalk. It was a new low even between the two of us.
"I'd hate to see you like this all tomorrow too."
"Sure, just trying to get rid of me are you?" Charlie teased, his eyes finally lighting up like they usually do.
"No of course not," I protested a little too much. I blushed, wishing I didn't do that so often. It was the only thing that gave away my emotions to show to the outside world. "I just don't want to see you stressed."
"You're too kind Banksie," he said, and hooked his arm around my neck. I couldn't help smiling and he left it there like that for the rest of the way.
Charlie's POVAfter a lot of Adam's insisting to go home, I gave in and pulled out my duffel bag, which was not in much use since hockey season ended. I couldn't keep the grin off my face as I packed even though I knew that I would be heading towards hell back at home. I knew that a less good of a friend would have shoved bad jokes and cheesy movies down my throat all weekend to distract me but Adam was better than that.
"You really need all those things? You're only going to be gone for what? Two days, one night," Adam commented from his spotless side of the room. My room, however, looked like a tornado just passed by.
"Thank god Monday's a holiday," I commented as I threw in my deodorant. I was down to the last bits of it, which reminded me I had to pick some more up on the way home.
"What are you doing," I demanded. When I looked up I caught Adam's eye wandering back to his laptop, probably to finish that damn paper. To hell with English papers; I knew I wasn't going to do mine until the morning it was due.
"I just…" his voice fell away with guilt. After being his friend for a while, I found out that Adam was not quite as unmovable as everyone first thought. He was pretty sensitive behind that stony mask and a lot of times he got offended or affected more than I thought.
"Whoa there Adam," I said. I rarely used his first name so his eyes finally met mine when he heard it. "I didn't mean to make you feel bad or anything."
"I know, I know," he said hastily. After a moment, he got up and walked over to my bed and rummaged around until he came up with a nasty old shirt.
"I think you might need this," he said, with a wry smile. It was a wrinkled Polo shirt, exactly the kind that I wouldn't wear but strangely did. It somehow turned into our lucky shirt after one time when I was running late I had put it on and ran to a math final and aced it. Right afterwards, Adam forgot to bring clothes for practice and wore the shirt instead and it had been one of the only times Orion had loudly complimented a player. We dubbed it a sacred relic and wore it only when we absolutely needed to and never washed it. Gross, I know, but it was nice, like a grown boy's security blanket.
I took the soft shirt in my hands and held it for a minute. I liked the way it smelled. Surprisingly it didn't smell half as bad as it looked. It was a mixture of our scents and I loved to pick apart the smells and find Adam deeply embedded in the shirt. It was weird but comforting. Without thinking I brought the shirt to my nose and inhaled deeply. I could smell Adam's soap mingling with my Old Spice deodorant. There, by the collar, the smell of Adam won out and I breathed in a couple more times.
"What? It doesn't smell that bad does it?" Adam teased.
"No, but the fabric might disintegrate soon," I said.
"Then we better not wash it." I laughed and was about to put it in the bag when I changed my mind. I took off my shirt and put the other one on. Adam turned away when I did.
"Come on, Banksie, don't be so prude," I joked. Just to see him blush I paraded around without a shirt for a couple more minutes before putting on the yellow Polo one. He was so cute when he blushed; no wait, not cute, funny. Cute in an endearing way, like a little kid who still sucks his thumb even though he's in second grade. Wait, not cute…oh hell, whatever, you know what I mean.
"I'm not prude," he protested.
"Yeah right, when was the last time you kissed a girl? Mommy doesn't count Banks." When he remained adamantly silent, I knew the answer. I felt kind of bad though, I didn't want to leave with Adam annoyed at me.
"It's okay Banksie, I've never kissed someone for real either," I said. He snorted.
"What are you talking about? I saw that with you and Linda."
"Hell no, gross." I made a horrible face just to show him I was serious. "You know that was a spur of the moment. And I said, "real kiss." I didn't feel anything, it was more like a nudge or a hug or something."
"Yeah right."
"Nah, I'm serious, Banks. We don't need girls. All I hear from other guys is how much of a pain they are, how much attention they demand. We don't need them, all we need is each other right?" I saw Adam's eyes light up and a smile cross his face. It made me want to jump up and down out of happiness too, just to see the guy smile.
"You're going to miss your bus," he commented. I groaned and got off the bed. I slung the bag over my back.
"Come back in one piece," Adam advised.
"Haha you are so hilarious," I said sarcastically. But I couldn't help pulling Banks into a quick hug as I passed by him. That hug made it totally worth going home to a fiercely savage mom and her drunk boyfriend.
As I left, I heard Banks call behind me quietly, "I'll miss you." For some reason it didn't make my roll my eyes or think the guy was turning pretty sappy for me leaving only for a couple of days. Wait, I think I know the reason. It's because I'll miss him too.
Adam's POVAfter watching Charlie's retreated head of curly hair, I laid down on the bed, wondering how I was going to spend the next couple of days without him. Probably homework; lame I know but what else am I supposed to do?
I opened up the windows. I hate stuffy rooms. I love the way the room smells after the windows are open all day but Charlie usually complains about how it's too cold. I would tell anyone else to just buck up and wear mittens but I didn't really want my best friend to be uncomfortable so now our room smelled decidedly like a garbage can.
Sitting back down, I sighed and opened up the laptop. The screen turned on with the image of my paper staring back at me. I started to type slowly, keeping an eye on the clock. Every minute would bring me closer to Charlie, no wait. I meant an end to boredom. Yeah.
Fulton's POVJesus, I don't think I've ever been so nervous before. Not in any hockey game or any fights, never. I'm at the point where I'm jiggling my foot up and down like how those girls do. Except not as well. Maybe it's a practiced thing.
"Will you just chill?" Portman says. He's throwing a ball up towards the ceiling then catching it, lounging on his bed. Little did he know that he was my problem. Well no, not my problem, but the reason why I was being such a freak.
Especially over the summer I realized that I had never been into girls. Maybe it was because they were so annoying to me. Everything to them was like a game, especially flirting. You say something funny, they giggle and flick their hair, and then you go make out. Sometimes it works out better than other times. But all in all it was the same.
But with Portman it was different every time. There was none of this giggling crap or the feeling that this was how it was supposed to be, all premeditated. Portman was one hundred percent spontaneous in everything and that was the beginning of everything. At the party after winning against the Varsity a couple months ago he had wanted to play spin the bottle, spontaneously of course, and he ended up on me, much to everyone else's joy since Portman had been loudly bragging that he'd definitely get Julie. They never really thought we'd go through with it, the kiss I mean, since we're such "manly men" and all.
I personally was at first grossed out. Come on, I can barely stand the idea of kissing a hot girl nonetheless my best friend who happens to be a guy. But when he did, it was different from anything else. I felt hot and cold at the same time and I would describe it more but it would end up sounding like a trashy romance novel full of clichés. To sum it up, I'd just say that it was the single best moment in my life.
After that I started to investigate my feelings a little more closely. More and more, girls were less interesting to me, no, even more than that. They started to gross me out. Like at a dance, Portman had hooked up with a girl and tried to get me with her friend and she started dancing all close to me like it was supposed to turn me on. Let me tell you, nothing in the world could have turned me off faster. She was all soft and limp like…I dunno, mashed potatoes or something. It was sick. I wanted nothing to do with her.
Funny how no one seemed to ever suspect that I was gay. Maybe it was because I was so damn "tough" as they thought, a bash brother, the epitome of a homophobic macho guy who thinks he's so much better than some "queer." God, the word homophobic doesn't do the bastards that are any justice. Feeding their penis to a wood chipper…now that would be justice. What right do they have to think that they're better just because they happen to like some slut?
The only good thing about that was that I never got any more shit than I was supposed to. Already kids were on my case about being a cheater, a druggie, a gang member, and the only thing I needed on top of that was a reputation that would probably get the Varsity team to come and personally castrate me.
Topics such as homosexuality are pretty much taboo here at good old Eden Hall. The only things I hear are underground rumors such as Charlie and Adam. The only thing I have to say is, who cares? So what if they're secretly madly in love? I'd say it would be pretty cute even though predictable. Come on, team captain and star player? But they're both good boys, they'd fit each other better than any girl who just wants to be pampered and showered with presents. I swear, I find myself hoping that they really are in love. It'd kill me to see a smart guy like Charlie or Adam fall head over heels for some girl only to be used and have their heart brutally stomped all over.
Shit, before I get any more off-topic…the point of all of this is that I think I might really like Portman, maybe even love. But I don't know about that last part, love is too tricky and way to sticky of a word to just throw around like that. If undying devotion and the whole "I'll give my life for yours" is love then so be it. I am in love with Dean Portman. And I am going to tell him.
It'd basically kill me to not say anything. I feel like I'm bursting on the inside. I'd go psycho if I didn't say something.
"Dean?" Now that made Portman look at me, almost worried. We never called each other by our first names.
"Yeah what is it?" I was dismayed to see him pull out a bottle and start taking swigs from it. I didn't want him to be totally trashed when I confessed possibly the biggest secret I ever had and ever would have.
"Could you stop drinking for a second," I said. "I just want you to be sober when you hear this." I was worrying Portman way more than I should. He looked at me like I might have cancer or something.
"It's just…have you ever felt like maybe you liked someone more than a friend?" I said lamely. Portman frowned.
"Don't be gay, Fulton." I flinched at the word. "Just spit it out, you know I hate bullshitting."
"Okay, fine." I was about to say it when the words were caught in my throat. It was so much more difficult to say than I could ever imagine. "Dean I think I like you, more than a friend. As a boyfriend. Love even." Silence. It dragged on for what seemed like eternity. Oh god couldn't he just say something? Portman just stared at me.
"Shit," he finally said, and started to drink very rapidly from the bottle until it was empty. He looked around until he found another and started to drink that too.
"No Dean, come on, don't drink so much," I pleaded. He gets violent when he drinks.
"No fucking way you sick queer," he said, voice slightly slurring. I could tell he was well on his way to being drunk. I reached for him and he punched me so hard in the jaw that I felt the blood starting to fill my mouth. I spit it out. But it was his words that hurt more.
"Don't you touch me," he warned. "Don't get near me. Jesus Christ, why didn't you tell me you were gay? I would have never roomed with you if I knew you had just wanted to fuck."
"No, hold on a minute," I said, getting equally annoyed. "Don't you ever fucking say that's all I wanted or that's what I want. You know that's not true."
"What am I supposed to think?" Portman howled, throwing his hands up in the air.
"How does me being gay affect us in any way?" I said.
"It changes everything. Holy shit, I can't even look at you." With that, Portman was out the door, throwing his second empty bottle on the ground behind him. It rolled by my feet. I looked hard at the bottle but the only thing I could see was my reflection with blood dripping from the side of my mouth.
Entry from Adam's JournalHow is it that everything I say ends up sounding like I'm madly in love with Charlie? Because that's not the case. I mean I love him like a brother definitely and as a friend. But not like Valentine-esque hearts and passion and martini olives love. Just platonic, friendly love.
It's just that he's so smart. He's cocky, everyone knows that, but not in an annoying way. It's just that he knows what he's good at and he's not afraid to show it off. And underneath that layer he's probably the nicest person in the world. He's got the biggest heart. All he ever wanted to do was to help people. He never holds grudges or anything. Like when he had gone out with Linda and she dumped him after a week maybe, she had gotten sick with a pretty bad throat ache, he got hot tea sent to her room as well as a funny get well soon card.
I guess I just want to make sure nothing will come between us. Wait, I did it again. I meant to say that I just want to make sure that nothing will come between our friendship. Yeah. The only thing that's even weirder than all these tendencies that slip and make me sound as though I'm in absolute love with Charlie…is that he seems to be acting the same way.
Portman was running as fast as his legs could carry him. What the hell did Fulton think he was doing just dropping something like that on him? Like that? Love? Hell with that, he, Dean Portman, was not gay.
Maybe he could room with Charlie or something. He had the room nearest to his and Fulton's. His socked feet slipped on the ground and finally he skidded to a stop before Charlie's door. No way could he spend the night with Fulton now that it was revealed that he liked him way more than just as a friend.
Portman knocked frantically. Oh crap, what if Fulton came out looking for him? To plead with him and grab his hand and take him to his happy gay land where they can fuck and be happy together. Sick. That was just plain sick. Portman knocked again, possibly even louder. What the hell? Was Charlie DEAF?
Finally, the door opened but it wasn't Charlie. A sleepy looking Adam was there, rubbing one of his eyes with the back of his hand. He looked pretty cute with his hair messed up and dressed in thankfully no preppy clothes. Wait, hold on a minute. See? Even spending time with a queer turned him into one! He was not like that; he was not abnormal like Fulton. Besides, he was probably pretty trashed. Whatever judgments he made now counted for nothing.
"Where's Charlie," Portman said. Charlie would understand. He would know that it was wrong for Fulton to have said anything to him. He would probably even switch rooms. Charlie would hold them all together like he always did.
"Charlie's-" Adam broke off into a yawn. "Charlie went home." Adam frowned.
"What's wrong?"
"Listen, could I spend the night here? I really need to." Adam's frown deepened but it wasn't one of annoyance.
"Okay sure, are you sure you're okay though?"
"I'll be fine if I spend the night here," Portman growled, a little harsher than he should have considering that Adam had become his savior for tonight. Considering this, Portman almost took his words back but he saw that Adam was obedient and opened the door further so that he could come in. He had started to sprawl over Charlie's bed when Adam bit his lip. Portman reminded himself to tell Adam not to do that; it made him seem a lot girlier than a hockey star should.
"Maybe you should sleep on my bed," Adam said, hurriedly. "Because I don't mind if you make a mess, I have to wash everything tomorrow anyway." Portman frowned but didn't argue.
"You're such a neat freak," he muttered. Adam carefully piled all his books on his laptop and moved over to Charlie's bed. Adam scowled as he passed Portman. Clearly the other boy had been drinking and that made him nervous. Don't be so prude. Charlie's words echoed in his mind and Adam made himself concentrate fully on his paper.
Portman poked around until he found their c.d. player and stuck in a c.d. Minutes later, Nirvana was playing so loud Adam swore his teeth were rattling. He had heard the song before and found the lyrics disturbing then...but they were nothing compared to the discomfort Adam felt now. Portman started to sing along softly, "Rape me, rape me, my friend..."
"Couldn't you turn that down a little bit?" he asked, a little weakly. Portman growled but obeyed.
"You're such a girl, Banks," Portman grumbled, with none of the jokiness that Charlie had said the same words with.
Adam tried to ignore the lyrics that seemed to be boring into his mind. Finally, he ended up plugging his ears and cranking out the paper. By the time he was finished, it was about two in the morning and Portman was asleep (or passed out, is there really a difference at this point?) on his bed.
With a sigh, Adam unplugged his laptop and put it on the floor. He wished that it were Charlie asleep on the other bed, not Portman. Adam was never big on sleep; he had trouble falling asleep usually. Nothing, not counting sheep, cups of warm milk, ever worked.
Adam wasn't sure how long he was lying there, trying to fall asleep, when he heard movement to his right, where Portman was. Except not anymore. Portman was looming before him like a nightmare demon that came in through windows to slit innocent, sleeping peoples' throats.
"Portman? What are you doing? It's late," Adam whispered. Portman reached over and covered Adam's mouth, silencing him. He carefully moved on top of the smaller boy and try as he might, Adam couldn't get Portman off him. He finally worked his mouth from under Portman's hand.
"Shit, Portman, you drank too much," he said, trying to sound as commanding as possible. "Get off right now." The other boy didn't listen..
"I'm serious, get off me right now Portman," Adam said. This time it wasn't Portman's hand that covered his mouth but the other boy's lips. Shocked, Adam laid there for a minute, stunned. Then his sense kicked in. He tried to kick him off but Portman was too strong and in minutes the other boy's hands were traveling up and under his shirt.
The gravity of the situation seemed to hit Adam as he finally, with strength he didn't know he had, somehow worked his hand free and punched Portman in the nose and threw the boy onto the floor.
"You're such a fucker," Portman muttered, obviously still drunk and oblivious to what he was doing and to whom. Adam tossed Portman a small hand cloth.
"Don't choke," he said, coldly. Portman used it to soak up the blood that was falling from his nose. Portman fell back on his bed and soon was asleep, snoring again. Adam, however, didn't escape so easily. He was shaking as he lowered himself back onto Charlie's bed, in his mind replaying what had happened. At the time he had been so calm but now he was panicking. He was so scared. What if Portman tried again?
He felt around the floor until he came up with a small knife that Charlie used to carry around for protection. Since then, Charlie had been feeling relaxed enough to go around without it but it slightly worried Adam that Charlie hadn't taken it home. He took it in his hand and clutched it, ready to only use it when it was absolutely necessary. But Portman just grunted in his sleep and turned around, his back to Adam.
Adam shivered. He buried his face in Charlie's pillow, trying to find him in the cloths. He inhaled his best friend. Adam was shaking so hard but he didn't cry. It didn't matter that Adam had stopped Portman before he really tried something. He wasn't strong enough to stop Portman from the beginning. And he knew that that night he was raped of at least one thing: his innocence.
a/n: so how will Adam deal with all of this? And what's happening at Charlie's house? Thanks for reading, please R&R on your way out!
Adam- I was going to e-mail you back with other stuff, I think comments or something that had to do with what you said, but thought that might be kind of weird. Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed the first part of the story; I hope you don't mind slash because that's what a lot of this story will be.
Rachel- I found it kind of weird that the Ducks seemed so tight you know? Like there were this group of kids I knew and we were really good friends because we were all in this competition thing together as a team but once that ended so did our friendships. So that's kind of where I thought the Ducks would fall apart without hockey. Anyway, thanks for liking it; there will be a lot more angst!
Crazy4nc128- I love your Adam/Charlie stories! They were the first ones I read when I started reading MD fics and they were so perfect. I agree that there has to be way more Adam angst slash stories which is why I started writing my own, because I was in major withdrawal…anyway, thanks for reading, I'm glad you're enjoying it!