A smile danced gracefully across Luciano's lips as his eyes wandered around each world, written in a book entitled To Love Again given by Hungary. A faint red crept upon his cheeks since he is in the part of the story where the protagonist lets go of his painful past, finally accepting the love interest. A warmth radiated in his heart. After all the challenges the characters face, they can be together in the end. His head perks up as he hears the stomp of horses. Closing his book, he placed it on the table and peered through the window. A rush of euphoria filled him as he spotted a blonde boy descending on his horse accompanied by a white-haired man.
"It's him, isn't it?" Luciano swift his head back, focusing on Hungary with crescent eyes. "Yes, mother," He giggled.
Hungary smiled softly, admiring Luciano. He was wearing a white Lolita dress, and his long auburn hair was beautifully braided into two. Despite being a boy, he looks angelic, and his voice is as sweet as honey and gentle as the waves of the calm sea. Every day many tutors asked for his hand. However, Hungary and Austria disapproved of them. They will not let them taint Luciano's innocent. He is pure within this world of chaos.
"Holy Rome," Luciano beamed and sprinted to HRE with outstretched arms. Claude opened his arms, embracing the Italian, and twirled him in mid-air, causing Luciano to burst into a fit of giggles.
Holy Rome was the only boy they approved of. He was not like the others who only desired the exquisite beauty of Luciano. Or perhaps they see a glimpse of themselves in HRE, a part hidden in the crowd's eyes where the moon only knows this secret. Every time someone talks to Luciano, attempting to deceive him into acquiring what they want. Hungary and Austria will command their assassins to kill that person since they can see the hidden desire to devour Luciano. The thought of using Luciano for their sick sexual pleasure makes their stomach churns in disgust, and their vision turns red.
The two go into the garden as usual when Holy Rome visits. The sweet fragrance of flowers swirls with the gentle breeze blooming with hundred hues. A handful of colorful butterflies flies around, adding appeal to the scenery. The birds are singing a piece of melodic music like in those opera performances.
Luciano closes his eyes, enjoying the warmth of the sun kissing his skin. It's been a while since they met again because Holy Rome has been busy these past few weeks. He always asks why Claude is busy, but no one responds to his question directing the conversation to another topic.
Luciano raised his brow as he glanced at Holy Rome since he was unusually quiet today. "Is there a problem?"
Holy Rome stops in his tracks facing Italy with an unreadable expression sending uneasiness in Luciano's heart. "We should stop seeing each other, Italia."
Luciano frowned as his heart hammered in his chest. His mind was fogged with possibilities why HRE would say such things. Did he do something wrong? Or perhaps there was another reason? "Why? Did I do anything to make you upset?"
Those eyes, HRE wants to kill himself for making Luciano like this, but he must do this. The Holy Roman Empire is in chaos as the war continues, and he does not want Luciano to be involved. That's why he tells Luciano's adoptive parents never to let him know what has been happening. Luciano has gone through so much pain. He can still remember the sadness in Luciano's voice as he told about his parents, whom he never got to see, and the dread on his face as he spoke about his Grandpa Rome dying in front of him. With no one to take care of them, Hungary and Austria adopted Luciano, while his brother Flavio was adopted by Spain, leading to the separation of his only family. All of this happens to him at such a young age.
This is a traumatizing experience for any child, and Claude does not want him to suffer any more losses because he can already predict that he will not win in this war. It is evident just by looking at his troops and the enemy troops. There is an enormous gap, and the enemy possesses more advanced weapons. Sooner or later, the Holy Roman Empire will fall.
"No, You did nothing wrong." In his eyes, Luciano is perfect imperfection. Claude was always surrounded by people with hidden motives. They wanted his looks, power, and riches. The only people he trusts are his brother, Austria, Hungary, and Luciano. He was afraid at first that Italy would avoid him when he saw his true self, but Luciano sees him in his glory, embraces him when he falls, and dances with him when he unleashes his demon. Luciano was everything he could ever ask for.
Luciano interlocks both his hand and squeezes them, giving himself a bit of comfort. He stares at Claude holding his breath, afraid of what HRE will answer. "Then why?"
Claude takes a deep breath as his heart is aching like it's being stabbed with thorns. "Because I never felt the same way you do, it is the best for us to part ways."
There is nothing to lose if you don't have anything to lose. That's why Claude came up with this decision because, for him, this is much better than waiting for someone who would never return.
Luciano's eyes widened in horror. "No, I don't believe it." This must be some joke or prank, but HRE never does those things.
"Believe it or not, that is my final decision."
"Look into my eyes, Claude. Tell me you never loved me. Tell me I meant nothing to you. Tell me that all that happened was all lie." Luciano demanded with a hint of desperation as tears threatened to fall in his eyes. He silently prayed that Claude would take back his words and embrace him. For Claude to tell him that everything will be okay like it used to be.
Claude clenches his fist to the point where his knuckles turn white. This hurts more than he expected it to. He wants to hold Luciano and wipes those tears. He wished he could say everything would be okay, but it won't. He only wants what is best for him and them, which is to stay away from each other. That is the only way to keep Luciano safe because if the enemy discovers Luciano, they will use him against him. He doesn't want to bring furthermore traumatic events to Luciano. He deserves to be happy.
He sealed his heart, staring coldly at Luciano. "I never loved you."
One sentence, but it destroyed everything that has been treasured.
Luciano shakes his head as the shine leaves his eyes in the form of tears. "No, you are lying." It can't be, after all, that happened. 'Do all those letters a lie? The gentle kisses you gave to me? The way you look at me with so much love in your eyes and tells me how beautiful I am and how lucky you are to have me? How can that be a lie?' he thought. His lips could not utter those words, terrified of what the other would reply if he did so.
"I hope you can find someone who will love you unconditionally," Holy Rome turned back. If he stays any longer, all of this will come in vain as he can't afford to see Luciano in this state. His heart is heavy as he takes every step further away from the one he doesn't want to let go of, the one he wants to hold forever. It broke his heart, but he needs to endure it.
Someone crashed behind his back, hugging him tightly. "Please don't leave," The Italian begged with a cracked voice as his tears soaked into Claude's cloak.
"Luciano!" Austria and Hungary rushed to their side, separating Luciano from Claude. Prussia has already explained this matter to them, and they were hurt since it would come to this. Life indeed is cruel. They fall in love with each other but are separated by the burdens of war. Why must they suffer such a fate?
They attempt to pull Luciano away, but he clutches tighter into Claude. "No, let go of me!"
Claude bites his slightly trembling lips as he keeps his sadness at bay. He grabs Luciano's hand feeling its warmth one last time, before slipping it away from the hug.
Luciano attempts to hold, but Claude is stronger than him. "No, please don't do this. Please don't leave me, Claude." He begged, not caring if he looked desperate. Claude is the one he loves more than his life. He's the one who gives the light in his darkest days and fixes his broken pieces into a beautiful whole. He will do anything to make him stay, even if he has to kneel and keep begging so he will not leave him.
Claude slipped in his grasp, and the glass ball of hope he's been holding fell, breaking into pieces. The sun melted into ash. The moon faded into dust as the stars fell. Leaving only the darkness.
They are like a puzzle where every piece fits perfectly and cannot be completed with a missing piece. And when he found that missing piece, it slipped from his grasp.
Luciano shouts his name repeatedly as he reaches for him, but Hungary hugs him behind, preventing him from reaching Claude.
"Claude!" Luciano cried as he could only watch Claude fades into his vision like how the sun disappears into the darkness, but in his case, it will never rise again.
He was gone.
Gone….. Gone….GONE
And will NEVER come back.
He would never see Claude's sparkling blue eyes and his heartwarming smile as they both talked happily in the garden about their day. He would never hear Claude's laugh that sent butterflies fluttering in his stomach whenever he would make a joke to make him smile. He would never feel Claude's warmth that even the coldest winter cannot freeze. He will never see him again in this place where they engrave lovely memories. In a blink of an eye, everything turned into dust.
Luciano's legs seem to lose their strength as he collapses on the floor, crying his heart out. Hungary wrapped her arms around his shaking figure and pulled him into her warm embrace. Her heart tightens in her chest as she wipes Luciano's glistening tears. It hurts how those sparkling eyes were now drowned in sorrow. She knows it will be hard for Luciano to move on since all corner of their home reminds him of Claude. The only thing she could do to at least lessen the burden was to be there for Luciano.
Luciano leaned at her, letting himself be engulfed with comfort. With every sob, he emits a low whimper. Why did everyone he loved leave him behind? Is this his fate? To be alone? Now he is terrified by the thought that even his adoptive parents will leave him even if they do not want to, just like what happened to his parents. He simply wants to be loved and be with each other till the end of time. Is it too much to ask?
Perhaps it is too much to ask since that's how life works, happiness and pain, to create life and take life, to live and to die. One cannot co-exist with another because that what's makes it balance. But why is there more pain than happiness in his life? He feels like no matter how hard he swims to reach the light. There are creatures who hold his feet and drown him deeper and deeper into the ocean until there is no shine anymore, only absolute darkness.
Luciano jolts up, breathing heavily and tasting a salty liquid. Why that dream? He wants to forget it, but that memory haunts him every time. Why can't he forget him? Why is it so hard to do it? Is it because Claude gave him too much to remember?
He unintentionally glanced at the mirror and saw dark, dull eyes glistening with tears staring back at him. He did not recognize himself anymore. The trace of who he was before was long gone. He only sees a broken soul bleeding from the deep, re-opened wounds.
After Claude leaves him, he locks himself in his room and refuses to go out and eat. He would cry until there were no more tears he could shed. Without his adoptive father and mother, that keep bugging him to eat, he would be dead. When he set foot outside his room, grief drowned him as their memories flooded through him. Despite the bright light soaring in the windows and the fragrance of the flowers lingering in the air, he could no longer look at his home the same. Everything is not the same anymore. Austria, Hungary, and he should be in the garden gazebo sipping tea as he tells them stories, and they will laugh and encourage him, but now the house is so quiet, like a haunted town.
Luciano always wonders why they did not work out. Is it because of his appearance? Personality or social status? Does he get too clingy, which annoys Claude?
Or maybe he imagined things. Perhaps he saw something that was never present or felt something he could only feel. Maybe they don't really align. Maybe they are like magnets with opposite poles where he is the only one who experiences attraction. Maybe they are like a book but not on the same page.
But it seems impossible after all. Claude did not give him a good explanation for why he did not love him anymore.
He reaches into his nightstand with a trembling hand for support standing up. He unintentionally brushed the picture frame, crashing it on the floor and shattering the glass. Sweet, bitter memories filled his mind as he saw it.
He's in front of a tombstone where Holy Rome lies. He's been there for an hour, refusing to leave it as he continued to weep.
"My love, my love
My fearless love
I will not say goodbye
Sea may rise
Sky may fall
My love will never die."
- Claire Wyndham
"Here," Luciano's puffy red eyes meet Prussia's gaze.
"Claude wants you to have this" Prussia hands him a picture frame. It is a picture of him and Claude holding each other with huge smiles painted on their faces.
Luciano took it, hugging it in his chest tightly and letting his tears fall again. He will treasure it along with the letters Claude gave him since it contains their memory.
He picks up the picture frame and shakes off the pieces of broken glass. He stares at it, longingly caressing Claude's face on the image. The sky has turned into a shade of blue to rosy hues until it all becomes black, and still, his love for him never fades. He craves Claude's touch, which heals his open wounds. The look in his eyes makes him feel special beyond anything. His voice makes all his doubt go away. He misses all of him.
Sometimes he imagines himself being with Claude and having the moments they never had. A perfect happily ever after. Until the reality hits, crumbling it into pieces.
He removed the frame to keep the picture, but something fell from it.
A white envelope stained with brown. It has been sealed with red wax and stamped with a two-headed eagle. It is the bird on the Holy Roman Empire flag. Luciano flips it to confirm if it is for him.
From: Claude Beilschmidt
To: Luciano Vargas
A part of him doesn't want to open it, afraid of what's written, and a part of him is dying to find out. He wipes away his tears before carefully opening the envelope. The words are beautifully written in calligraphy. It is, without a doubt, Claude's penmanship.
My Love,
If you are reading this, I am probably gone in this mortal world. Even if I am not here anymore, I can tell you will change much after my death. I want you to know that "I will love you for all that you are, all that you have been, and all that you will be."
When we first met, you already captured my heart; it seemed impossible, right? But who would not fall into those captivating eyes that reflect the universe? Every time you smile sends a butterfly in my stomach, and that angelic voice sends warmth to my cold heart. As we kept seeing each other, I couldn't help falling for you every time. You are not only beautiful but also have a golden heart. You're like an angel that descends from heaven to bring light into my darkness.
Do you remember the time when you hide behind my back because people keep staring at us? It is because of me. I never show any softness, I am always cold as ice, but in your hands, I melt. Because of you, I found parts of me I didn't believe existed, and within you, I found a whole new reason to keep breathing. Every time you are with me is the happiest day of my life.
I am deeply sorry for hurting you that day. I do not want you to be involved in the war. If my enemy knows you are my lover, you and your family will be in grave danger. I know I should have told you the truth but knowing you, you will probably think that you are a burden or even blame yourself for my death. That's why I came into that plan so that you would hate and despise me, but it never works. I wish you had already moved on from me and found the love you deserve. I do not want to be someone that stole those stars in your eyes.
Even if life forbids us to be with each other, my mind and heart will never forget you. I will always love you. You are the only one I love more than anything.
Forever yours,
Claude Beilschmidt
Crystal clear tears fall into the paper, and wrinkles form as Luciano grips it tightly. Mixed emotions are coursing through him.
"Damn you, Claude! You are dead, yet you can still break my heart beyond the grave." That outburst was followed by the night lamb crashing into the wall. Not satisfied, Luciano picks the nearest thing he can lift and throws it across the room.
The loud crashing of things echoes in his hollow house. Splinters of wood and broken glass sprinkled on the floor like petals of withering flowers.
Droplets of red liquid fall on the floor, flowing from his hand. His chest is heaving up and down, and sweat trickles on his forehead. He wants to rip his heart to stop the pain. He hates how they hide the truth from him, but he mostly hates himself for doubting Claude's love for a bit as time passes.
How he wishes he could turn back the time and change at least the day Claude left him. To at least properly say goodbye and tell him how much he loved him. But no matter how many times he waits for a shooting star, throws a coin on the well, blows his birthday cake, prays, and cries until no tears are left. He could no longer bring him back. He knows because he does.
There are so many words that he wants to tell Claude that were left unspoken. Tomorrow he will go to his grave to express himself and visit Prussia and his adoptive parents. But for now, he will deal with his emotions.
He falls to the floor and curls up in a ball, burying his face into his knees as he cries silently.