LOVE HINA: Virtual Surreality

By Petran

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OK, here is my third chapter! I bet you didn't think it would be so soon! Anyway, as you can see it's way longer than the last one. This is mainly due to the fact that my job finally cooled off a bit, and I can finally get some slacking off done.

Thank you for your comments, they make the story better, even if they are negative ones.

Being set in a virtual world means that you can sort of throw away the rulebook and have some fun with the characters. After all, it's a world where anything can happen. I am definitely going to put Keitaro and Co. in several different situations and see how they react to them.

Sorry Haruka fans, but I don't plan on using her in this story. Not because I can't find a way to put her in, but mainly because I have planned the ending of this story to coincide with my next one, and putting Haruka in this world would through a serious monkey wrench on the way things turn up in the end. Mutsumi and Shinobu fans can relax as I WILL put them in the story later and they WILL play an important part.

And if you like this story, please review.

Lets get this show on the road... Oh, yeah! the legal stuff!

Disclaimer: I don't own Love Hina. Love Hina is a property of Ken Akamatsu, Tokyopop and Studio Xebec and TV Tokyo (am I forgetting anyone?). I only wrote this because I like the anime and LOVE the manga, not to make money out of it, so please don't legally kick my ass… please!

"*"=Spoken Words

'*'=Thoughts

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Chapter 2: Jurassic Pork

"Look mum! I'm roadkill! Ouch!"

Keitaro was face to face with was supposed to be the ground. He was inside a man-shaped hole apparently created by his impact. He picked himself up, spit out the dirt that was crammed inside his mouth, and shook his head vigourously..

"I can never get used to this."

He took a look around his surroundings. He was inside what appeared to be a forest. There were some really nice mountains around it. There were herbs and flowers and a lake with a bronchosaurus in it and...

A bronchosaurus?

Where the heck WAS he?

His mind raced back to the time when he was being given biology lessons. He was never really interested in old fossils back then, so he never really paid attention. But he did recall the lessons about the dinosaurs. Great creatures that roamed the earth millions of years ago. He was always fascinated by them...

But right now he was really scared. Mainly because he was actually WITH them without anything to defend himself. Even though the bronchosaurus in the lake seemed mild enough, he was certain that Kaolla definitely put some T-Rexes in here somewhere.

He wandered in the forest for a while, before he became hungry.

"I would do anything for some grub. Hey, this is a virtual world... Why am I feeling hungry?"

"Because you are under the impression that you are real, and therefore your virtual self has the same urges, needs and responses as your real self."

"Who said that? Oh, it's you."

The chibi version of Kaolla Su was flying around him like a little fairy.

"Are you following me everywhere I go?"

"Not really, I don't really follow you, since I can watch everything from my screen. I just appear in this way when you have a query, or when I want to talk you."

"OK, looks like I have a "query". Kaolla, what is this place?"

"This is just something I came up with while watching dinosaur movies."

Keitaro didn't really want to know what kind of movies she meant. He made a mental note of grounding Kaolla and banning certain types of movies from Hinata when, and if, he came back from... wherever he was. He decided to deal with a more urgent matter.

"Kaolla, I am hungry, is there anything I can eat in here?"

"What would you like to eat?"

"A pork steak would be nice..."

"Done. Just look under that shrub over there."

He reached under the shrub, and, sure enough, there was a pork steak. It felt strangely filling as he put it in his mouth and started devouring it.

"Can I also have a little orange juice?"

"Done. It's in the same place."

The orange juice was in the same place under the shrub. He started drinking and feeling a little bit relaxed when he felt a little tapping on his shoulder.

"Oh, Kaolla, don't tell me you are actually feeling hungry as we..."

He turned around and came face to face with a large grinning mouth. What scared him however was not the mouth itself, but rather the real sharp teeth that happened to be attached to it. From the look of things it was Tyranosaurus The drooling indicated that it was on the prowl and that it just encountered a snack.

"Uhm.... Nice lizard?!"

The "lizard" growled and opened its mouth to get a large chunkful of Keitaro. Fortunately he was long gone by then. When the "lizard" closed its mouth and gobbled a huge amount of air, it opened its eyes to see Keitaro running away, reaching a speed of 100mph, and still accelerating.

"I knew there was a T-Rex in here somewhere!

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Keitaro reached a cave and stood in there panting. The chibi-version of Kaolla appeared right next to him.

"That was fun! Wasn't it?"

Keitaro didn't answer, he just kept on weezing and panting.

"By the way how was your steak? Was it good?"

Keitaro nodded.

"Was your orange juice good as well?

Keitaro nodded once more.

"Anything else I can get you?"

Keitaro answered back this time:

"Yes (pant).... YOU CAN GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!"

The chibi version of Kaolla made a face that clearly showed she was hurt and quickly disappeared. Rain started pouring out from the sky and Keitaro decided to stay inside the cave. Even though he was in a virtual world he didn't like the feeling of being soaked wet and cold, and he ceratinly didn't want to come down with a virus, virtual or not. He was a bit tired after the long run away from the "lizard" so he decided to have a sit and think some things over.

He was clearly in a fake world, but it all seemed awfully real to him. He could feel pain, he could feel hunger, he could feel fatigue, and he could certainly feel fear. He was pretty sure that he was indestructible in the real world, despite the broken foot, but was he indestructible in here as well? Could he take the same amount of punishment that he is taking in the real world?

And what about the others? Where are they? Have they gone through the same ordeals as him? Were they even in the same place as him?

'I wonder what Naru is doing right about now. Hopefully she is in a much better place than me.'

"Kaolla, are you still here?"

The chibi version of Kaolla had disappeared and he was all alone in the cave. Keitaro regretted having yelled at her. Sure, he got almost eaten by a dinosaur, but it was nice having someone to talk to, not to mention she had given him a steak. Sure, it probably was just bits and bytes but it was a nice gesture nonetheless Even though he knew that he was in this predicament because of her, he couldn't stop feeling guilty.

The rain outside grew stronger, and Keitaro decided to get deeper inside the cave. The deeper he went, the darker it became, but it also became warmer, so he decided to go on in further. He kept feeling his way around the cave, walking in slow steps. Suddenly the dark was broken by a strange orange light.

'Fire! This means that someone is over there! I am not alone anymore!'

He walked towards the light as fast as he possibly could. As he grew closer, and it became brighter, he noticed that the cave was quite large in size. He finally reached the place where the orange light was... And was severely dissapointed. This was no fire... It was lava... He was inside an active volcano.

"Crap! I've got to get out of here, before this volcano starts blowing and fries me to a virtual crisp!"

And he would have, if a pair of large hairy arms, hadn't grabbed him, immobilised him with an arm lock, and tied him up to a stick. Keitaro took a look at his captor. He was large and simian-like, and smelled like... It's best not to describe what he smelled like... Let's just say that he made a public toilet smell like a rose garden.

The creature, which for now we will call "captor" took Keitaro further down the cave an closer to the lava. Keitaro had the sneaking suspicion that he would be deep fried in a little while. Looking around him he saw that the people who were inside the cave, if you could really call them that, shaped it to be like a temple. The fact that he wasn't killed on capture indicated that he was going to be used in a ritual. Finally, the captor stopped in front of a small hole in the ground, which happened to have the same width as the stick Keitaro was being tied to, and with great ease nailed the stick in it, so that Keitaro was now in a horizontal position. The captor growled.

"Groarr! Grump, Pumpomba!"

Keitaro was amazed to hear a female voice with a heavy Kensai accent.

"Yes. What did you bring me this time?"

Slowly, the captor turned the stick around. Keitaro now was face to face with the person who the person who just talked. She was dressed in a low-cut fur dress, and she had short hair. The orange light, and the fur, combined with her facial characteristics made her look like a fox.

"Kitsune?!"

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"Keitaro?! OH MY GOD! KEITARO!!!"

Kitsune leaped and hugged Keitaro who was still tied up. Due to the fact that he was still tied up to a stick, Keitaro was located a little higher than her which meant that he got to have a really good look of her cleavage. His face grew red and naturallly:

"AGH! NOSEBLEED!"

"Yes! It's really you Keitaro! How did you get in here?"

"Well, I fell through a hole, I got lost in the woods, I got chased by a lizard, and I got captured by..."

"Glonk! His name is Glonk!"

"Grumph! Grapagrapagroupa"

"No Glonk, this is no food! Inedible, Yuck! Geddit?"

"Paragraranga"

"No, you can't have a bite. Bad Glonk! Bad!"

"Braaaaaaaaaa!"

Glonk started crying. Kitsune patted him on the back "Don't cry, Glonk! You good! Yes! This I like!" Kitsune then turned her attention back to Keitaro.

"It was a bit hard getting them to understand me at first, but I am getting the hang of it."

"How about you, Kitsune? What's your story?"

"Well, I got lost, wound up in this cave and got captured a bit like you... But for some reason they think I am some sort of fox god..."

"I thought that foxes, dinosaurs and primates did not exist in the same time period..."

"Hey, this is Kaolla's virtual world! I guess she got things a bit mixed up as usual."

"I can accept that. By the way, what do you mean "them"? You mean there is more than one?"

"Yes, there's Glonk, Bonk, Dronk, Pronk. From what I understand, they are brothers. They are exactly identical in fact... But I found a way to tell them apart."

"How?"

"When I hit them on the head they make a different sound..."

Kitsune hit Glonk on the head, and a thud was heard.

"C-note... It's Glonk."

"Kitsune all this is interesting and all... But could you please untie me? I am getting a cramp."

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The other brothers soon returned and they all had a feast. It was the first time Keitaro had ever tasted roast dinosaur on a lava-spit before. The taste was very difficult to pin on. It tasted a bit like chicken, but it was more juicy and tasteful. The water was muddy and dirty, but the heat of the cave definitely made it much tastier.

"So, Kitsune! Have you ever thought how you are going to get out of here?"

"Out of here? I don't want to get out!"

"What?!"

"I like it here! I get to eat as much as I want without worrying about weight gain, I have several men catering to my every whim, and now I have you in here... It doesn't get any better than this..."

"You can't be serious!"

"Oh, but I am... I am going to be the queen of this place and you are going to be the king. This is going to be our palace where we really get the heat on!"

"That's it! You've definitely stayed in this place far too long!"

"Come on, Keitaro!" Kitsune was now leaning against him, pinning him to the ground, putting her bossom close to his chest and wispering softly in his ear. "I know it's something we both want... Why don't you give me a chance to rock your world? Besides, we are alone in here, nobody is around..."

"Except, the four sasquats..."

"Right! Glonk, Bonk, Dronk, Pronk, pipikiripoko!"

Obediently, the four cavemen went away...

"This is what I say, when I am about to go about and do some *ahem* personal business... Now...where were we? Ah, yes..."

"But I already confesed my love to Naru!"

"Well, guess what?! Naru's not in here right now! It's just you and me..."Kitsune, leaned over as she was about to kiss him, when there was a huge rumble.

"I told you I was going to rock your world! Didn't you feel the earth moving?"

"That was an earthquake! Something's wrong! The volcano must be acting up!"

There was another rumble, and another quake. Keitaro and Kitsune both looked down below to see that the lava was slowly rising up.

"This place is about to explode! Lets get out of here!"

Keitaro grabbed Kitsune by the hand and started leading her of the cave. Just then, the four cavemen walked in, and, as they saw this started yelling "Badda, Mutha, Fonga, Bunga! Ooga-Booga!"

"What are they saying?"
"They are saying that you are kidnapping me, and that they are going to kill you."

They both started running, with the cavemen chasing after them. Normally the cave would be dark, but the rising heat from the lava, made some of the stones start to glow. Very soon, they reached the entrance of the cave and went out of it. It was still raining, which was nice, since it cooled them down from the immense heat of the active virtual volcano. Pretty soon the cavemen were out of the volcano as well.

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"Are they still after us?!"

"Yes!"

"Maybe if we stop to explain!"

"Yeah, you explain to the neanderdals that I was just getting you out of the volcano, while they are beating me to death! We have to get out of this place!

"OK, fine! How?"

In the midst of running, with his lungs burning up, a thought passed through Keitaro's mind, he decided to go with it!

"Kaolla! I know you are seeing all this! Look! I am sorry I yelled at you, but I was nearly eaten by a T-Rex for god's sake! Listen! SU! WE NEED YOUR HELP!"

The chibi version of Kaolla appeared by his side. "I am glad you decided to make up with me Keitaro..."

"Yeah, me too!" said Keitaro, panting.

"Whoah!" said Kitsune "What is that?"

"Long story! No time! Tell later! Listen Kaolla! We need to get out of here."
"I can't get you out of the virtual world yet. I am still working on it."
"OK. But can we go somewhere else? All this running around with dinosaurs and cavemen is getting old a little too fast!"

"Oh! That is easy! Just go inside that tree trunk over there. It's a gate to another part of the virtual world."

They both reached the tree trunk. It looked exactly like a normal tree trunk, but something was different. For one, when you looked inside a tree trunk you usually saw dirt and maggots, not a view of a great green field.

"So, Let me, get this straight. If we go through this, we will go into another part of this virtual world?"

"According to Kaolla, Yes."

"OK, I'll go first."

Kitsune climbed into the tree trunk and quite easily slided inside it. Keitaro started doing the same, but as he went down he got stuck!

"Damn, maybe I shouldn't have eaten the dinosaur after all!"

Pretty soon the cavemen were there.with Keitaro still struggling to get inside the trunk.

"Baranga Malaka, Pufdah" (You took fox-goddess away from us)

"Bonga, cupa, kathiki" (And we were about to have a nice mating ritual)

"Lamba, mukka, bukka" (And the dating pool is rather limited when you are a Neanderdal)

The cavemen noticed Keitaro struggling.

"Cabala-Donga?" (What's he doing?)

"Ha! Ha! Budonka puta skouliki!" (Ha! Ha! Looks like he is trying to be a gopher!)

"Bodonka tsoglani" (Lets give him a little hand)

One of the cavemen, it had to be Glonk, grew closer and raised his fist. He quickly lowered it, hitting Keitaro on the head knocking him unconscious. The effect of the punch was the same as a hammer hitting a nail. It sent him inside the trunk and into the gate. Clearly out of it, Keitaro travelled to wherever it was he was travelling.

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Keitaro woke up to find Kitsune by his side. She was holding his head on her lap, with her face close to him.

"Thank god you are all right! I was getting seriously worried."

"Where are we?"

"Well, there are no dinosaurs, from the looks of things, nor cavemen. So we are not in a Ray Harryhausen movie anymore."

"I guess that's good"

They both got up and looked around. They were on an open field. On the distance there was what appeared to be a town. But it didn't look like a modern town...

"From the look of things we are in..."

There was a huge continuous rumble. Keitaro and Kitsune looked around to see several hundred horses heading their way on both directions. The riders holding huge katanas and were the traditional armour of the samurai warrior.

"... Ancient Rural Japan."

The horses closed in on them and the battle began...

End of Chapter 2

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Whew! It's finally finished! Hopefully you enjoyed it more than the last chapter!

As you can see, the concept has lots of potential, and I am willing to milk it for all its worth. Again, I am welcoming ideas and suggestions, and comments.

Join us next chapter as Kitsune and Keitaro go through the mess that is ancient rural Japan, and reunite with one more member of the Hinatasou to fight an all powerful demon.

References:

OK, here is where I ripped off some of my ideas.

Love Hina: One of the best manga out there. I suggest you tie your friends on a pole and force them to read it, if they are not into it.

The Matrix: OK, the whole virtual reality concept was taken from here, but I didn't really parody much of it in this chapter.

The secret of the Monkey Island: Yes, one of the game's most unforgetable dialog sequences found its way in here. Can you spot it?

The Time Tunnel: It is an old show where two people travel through different time periods by using gates. I just thought the gate idea would a good plot device to use in this story..

Jurassic Park: Well, if you haven't guessed from the title, I am parodying stuff from here as well. T-Rex rules!

Ray Harryhausen: He is the man responsible for all those monster movies in the 60's and 70's. He was using a clay technique to make dinosaurs come to life on screen long before CGI found its way into the movies.

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Preview of Next Chapter:

"This is a mighty ancient technique! It is a technique used only by the most brave, the most pure, and the most valiant. It's been passed around my family's lineage for centuries. It has been used by my ancestors since ancient times to vanquish powerful evil and kill demons! It's power is..."

Keitaro tapped her on her shoulder, and pointed up to indicate that the demon was still standing and snickering.

"And what do you do when this technique doesn't work?"

"Well, in this case.. RUN LIKE THE DICKENS!!!!"

Join us in Chapter 3: Swords and Demons

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