Disclaimer: Once again, all characters, excluding only Beni, are property of J K Rowling, as is the idea of Hogwarts and relative Hogwarts events.
Chapter 5 : Forever Alone
Beni sat on the edge of the sink in the girls bathroom. Her clothes were torn and burnt from the flames, and her hair was disgusting - wet, greasy and matted, burnt at the ends where it had been melted and split. Her arms and legs looked somewhat better, but the pain was insatiable. Tears welled behind her eyes.
She thought of her parents…she had felt so insecure, so un-protected, so unloved since their death. The feeling of neglection and being alone had increased to a point of craziness. How could she face the harsh bitch that was life feeling that way?
She thought of the way that everybody hated her, the way she just kept taking all of their shit, time after time. It was like being stabbed in the heart over and over again, the blood was her pain, surrounding her like an aura, penetrating her mind, consuming her.
She felt completely insane. She knew she had kept her hate, her hurt and her anger inside herself too long…
Her eyes travelled along the edge of the wall facing her, past the mould filled corners and to where the knife she had used to scrape the gum off her skin lay discarded.
She crawled over to it and clutched the cold, steel handle in her shaking, pale fist. Tears flowed from her eyes, down her soft, pink cheeks and onto a slowly enlarging pile of water on the filthy floor.
She sat there rocking backwards and forwards, trying to retain the sick feeling in her stomach, whispering lost thoughts that flew through her mind.
The tears began to pour down her cheeks faster and faster, her heart thumped and adrenaline raced through her body, making her feel sick from the pressure. Her hands and legs shook violently, her mind blanking out and quickly coming to life again.
She felt the feelings inside her burn and swirl around, making her heave with sickness, they were bubbling in her stomach like water being boiled. She felt them well up inside her, deranging her, pushing their way up outside of her, ready to burst - hate, anger, hurt, pain, bitterness, and loneliness.
Screaming and sobbing hysterically at he same time, Beni raised the knife above her head, shut her eyes, and losing herself in her own insanity, she bought the knife down upon herself in one quick swipe.
It slashed her upturned wrist, making a deep, jagged cut across her pale skin. Blood spurted from the gash and fell to the floor, mingling with her tears, the puddle reflecting her face, screwed up in pain, watching her own blood spill and flow onto the floor…
She wanted to find a way to escape everything. A way to stop hating herself, her life and everything around her. A way to find peace.
She thought of death. She so badly wanted to die, to escape, to leave and to get away from it all. Even hell would be better than this life. When she was dead, she wouldn't have these feelings inside her, eating away at her spirit.
She wouldn't have to live with this haunting nightmare, this terror - herself.
She slashed her wrist once more, realising that she wasn't strong enough to do this. How could she take her own sad, sick life? The one thing she still had to lose…could she take it herself?
She dropped the knife, opened her eyes returning to the reality. She looked up, past the roof and into the heavens, and screamed to the darkness -
"WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT TO MY LIFE?! WHAT'S THE GOD DAMN FUCKING POINT!? TELL ME!! WHY AM I EVEN HERE?!"
"ALL I DO IN THIS FUCKING NIGHTMARE IS HURT AND HATE AND FEAR!! ALL MY STREAMING BLOOD DOES IS SPREAD THIS FUCKING PAIN!!"
"I can't be saved, no one answers, I'm alone…always alone…" she whispered to herself, rocking backwards and forwards again.
"I will fall…in memory of myself- I will rest in HELL!!" she whispered fiercely, her bitter tears twisting and warping her voice.
She trust the knife aside and stood up. She had no strength left, she felt as though her spirit had already left her, and she knew her soul had died years ago.
She felt so fragile, but the insane feeling inside her was her strength.
She could do it. She would do it.
She tore down a massive plank of wood from the wall and began to fill up the bathtub at the end of the bathroom, blood spilling from her wrist interminably, creating trails wherever she walked. She placed a series of the heaviest locking charms she knew on the door and waited patiently until the bathtub was over flowing with water.
She pulled half of the board over the top of the tub, water spilling out generously, mixing with her blood. She threw her wand over her shoulder, then she climbed in, shaking.
She slid under the board, pulling the other end over the other side of the tub with difficulty, soon completely covering it. She smiled into the empty eeriness of the water. This time there was no escape for her…the board was holding her down, preventing her from contact with air, denying her life.
She lay there calmly…waiting, waiting, screaming from the inside, consumed in the insanity of her own pain and hate.
Beni began to panic suddenly, she rolled over to face the bottom of the bathtub, and began to scratch at its hard, porcelain walls.
And then it began. What she had dreamed of as the key to her eternal peace was only a way to infinate suffering.
She needed to breathe - for some wild reason she wanted to breathe, to scream regret, she still had hope after everything, and now it was too late -
She opened her mouth to let the air run into her lungs, but she only got water, water gushed into her mouth, down her airway and into her lungs. She began to cough, her tiny body bumping against the heavy board above her, trapping her from life.
She felt faint, small, so insignificant…she didn't even feel real, but she knew she wasn't dead - death was staring her in the face, telling her there was only so much longer she could resist…
And then her body sank to the bottom of the tub with a dull thump, her hair floating above her in the water, moving with the ripples, her silver eyes wide open, her heart closed.
… …
From somewhere in the distance of that bathroom came a huge crash, like an echo of the thump when Beni had hit the bottom of the tub, only louder, followed by a series of severe splintering sounds, wood breaking from the inertia of being thrust into the air and finally making contact with something else…
Beni coughed and gasped, the air finally rushing into her frail lungs, her shaking body came clean out of the water, blood dripping gently from her wrist.
Then she passed out in the strong arms around her, falling slowly into sleep - and only a temporary peace.
* * * * *
He had been so tormented since that morning, when he had realised. Everywhere he had gone he had not been able to rid her from his thoughts.
He had tried everything to stop it, and then he had understood that he didn't want it to stop. He had run, fighting an unknown reason against time to the place that she dwelled in most, he had burst into the room, half of her name spilling from his mouth and then the sound dying as he saw…
He saw her there, reflected on the surface of the ball, that face that had come to haunt him, screwed up in pain, tears flowing fast down her pretty cheeks, flowing and falling unceasingly to the puddle on the ground, the puddle of tears swirling rapidly, mixing with blood…
Comprehension dawned upon him quickly and he flew, shaking, drastic…the next moments in his life a blur, a denial of memory, and suddenly she was in his arms, shaking, weak and frail, wet and covered with blood, radiating pain, but safe and alive.
A/N: Wow. I hope you enjoy this chapter, although what there is to enjoy about it I'm not entirely sure…but I would like to dedicate the mushy-sweet end of the chapter to one of my best friends, Sam R - my non-lesbian-romantic-inspiration.