"AND SO I SAY UNTO THEE! WHO WISH TO ENTER PARADISE AND NOT BE BURNED BY THE FIRES OF DAMNATION! IF YOU WANT TO SAVE YOUR IMMORTAL SOULS, YOU WILL LISTEN TO MY WORDS AND FOLLOW ME! ACCEPT ME AS YOUR SHEPHERD, AND I PROMISE I WILL DELIVER YOU TO THE HOLY LAND!"
Such an emotional, powerful, and inspiring statement typically, if not exclusively, comes from those preaching the gospel of holy faith. Men or women who feel as though they've found their spiritual destiny, a calling that all mortal souls hear eventually that shall guide them through life. But this is not such a time; the lips these words left didn't belong to any holy person, any servant of a god, or other such deities. They belong to a man who viewed himself as the only almighty power of this world.
"AMEN!" A congregation full of bright beaming faces cried out, unaware that their minds and bodies were slowly being pulled at like a puppet on strings.
"VERY GOOD! IT IS SO WONDERFUL TO SEE ALL OF YOU EAGER TO SERVE THE
ALMIGHTY AND EARN YOUR PLACE ABOVE!" The man preached while holding a hand to the sky, "But now we must part ways. Thought a sad time to be sure it is what we need to spread our gospel to the poor, uncertain souls out there who are waiting to be taken by the clutches of Satan!" He exclaimed, now speaking in a far softer volume, "So go forth, my children! Seek out these unsuspecting sinners and bring them into our flock! Where I may save them from damnation as I have with you, and then we may all go together hand in hand to paradise." He instructed.
In a manner no different from bargain hunters on the last usable day of coupons, the congregation members all ran out immediately. Even the much smaller children vacated the building at break- neck speeds, leaving the only person present, the preacher who watched them leave with a smile. But as the two doors that led into the building slowly stopped rocking back and forth on the hinges, and he was sure no other ears were remained beyond his own, his smile slowly grew to reveal two rows of sharpened fangs.
"This religion shit is WAY too fucking easy." He said with a chortle as he threw his head back, "If I'd known it was this simple to get a bunch of empty-headed dipshits to do what you wanted, I would've been a preacher all my life instead." He admitted.
"VALENTINO." A voice as loud as thunder spoke to him, though only he could hear it, "I have been patient with you thus far. Believing that what plan you were concocting was worth the time spent towards it. Yet all I am seeing is you using the power granted by the Hell you hail from and what I have given you to make yourself a god among man. So tell me now, what is the point of this ridiculous display?" It asked.
Expecting his response to be laced with ego and a sense of superiority, the voice's owner was surprised to see him take on a serious demeanor.
"Know what? You're right. I've been keeping you in the dark way too much on this. You want to know what the point of all this is? You've got it." He promised.
"Hmph, I'll admit, I was not expecting that from you." It replied.
"What can I say? Religion changes a person." He joked before getting back on topic, "Here's the thing, even with those assholes not knowing shit about where we are or what we're up to, we're still
severely fucking outnumbered, and until we figure out a way to get in contact with the others, we're flying solo." He began as he held up his right hand to start counting with his fingers, "Which means, we've got no money, we've got no resources, we barely got anything to wipe the shit from our asses. So unless you're hiding another army somewhere that I don't know about, we gotta do a little recruiting." He explained.
"None of these mortals, even if enhanced by my power, will stand a chance against the Slayer or Sentinels." It told him.
"Obviously, which is why they're just fodder. They DO play an important part later, but I can't get into the details now." He countered before continuing, "As I was saying, the whole reason I'm spreading the good word of god or whatever crap makes them fall in love with me ensures that we have a steadily growing workforce that'll break their back trying to suck their dicks if I tell them to. This means that we can get in touch with your people a lot sooner and get things going at a much faster rate." He said.
"And the best way to do this is by creating a religion?" It questioned.
"Oh, one hundred percent. Do you KNOW how many people have managed to buy entire countries because of those bullshit call now and donate programs? They go on about how the lord's going to fix their disabled kid's head, so he doesn't speak in slurs, and this gets them millions of dollars and an army of gullible retards who think they're prophets or gurus or something." He explained as another grin appeared on his face, "But I'm working with true divinity, a few more sermons, and soon we'll get on the radio, then on TV, and then maybe even a movie deal. By that point, either everyone in the world will think I'm greater than Jesus, or I'll have our fanatics beat the shit out of them, a true win-win situation." He said.
Meanwhile, In Lucifer's Circle...
"Oh my gosh, that's horrible!" Charlie exclaimed with a gasp, going so far as to put a hand over her mouth out of surprise.
After being led to the kitchen and put alongside the others, Charlie and Co were given some shocking news about their favorite trigger-happy murderer.
"Yeah, that was pretty much our reaction too." He admitted with crossed arms.
"Not meaning to sound like an ass here, but Cherri's SURE about what she heard and what she saw, right? Because this is WILL we're talking about, the guy who straight up punched the incarnation of evil itself until it cried, uncle." Vagatha pointed out.
"No, she did. Even if we didn't believe what she was saying, it was the look on her face as she said it. Cherri's tough as nails, and yet it got to her like REALLY got to her." He replied, repeating that last part to stress how much it upset her.
"What do you think the dream was about?" Alastor asked as his mind already had several ideas, "From it sounds like something happened to us, maybe he was worried that we'd get killed by the demons?" He suggested.
"There's no way to know for sure, but what we can be sure of is that he's dealing with some shit right now, even more than he already was when we first met him, so it's best if we just keep our noses out of it." Angel Dust said.
"What?! That's the worst thing we could do!" Nifty exclaimed angrily while balling her hands into fists, "Will's our friend! He's spent the last six months fighting all by himself to keep us safe! We can't just ignore his issues! We have to help him!" She insisted.
"HOW?!" He questioned with widened eyes, "How could ANY of us understand what's going on in his head? Have any of YOU spent your entire lives fighting monsters? Did you get to see all of your loved ones murdered and your pet rabbit decapitated? Because unless you've been hiding some fucked up double life, there's no way we can talk to him or do anything for him that will work." He argued.
"We could-"
"No." He said, instantly cutting Charlie off. "You didn't even hear my idea!" She exclaimed.
"Did it involve singing, hugging, comforting, crying, or even platonic cuddling?" He asked. "...No..." She answered quietly while looking off to the side.
"Angel, we have to do something," Vagatha said, taking her girlfriend and Nifty's side.
"Okay, so that's three dumb broads not listening to a word I'm saying." He replied, which only pissed her off, "What about you, Al?" He asked.
"If I wanted to be killed by something big and strong, I'd go poke a bear in its eye instead of angering an unstoppable god killer. I'm respecting his privacy." He answered.
"Huh, the creepy as fuck cannibal who talks through a filter has more sense than you three, go figure." Angel Dust said.
"Filter?" He questioned, not sure if he understood what that meant. "What about you, Queenie?" Angel Dust asked, now turning to Lilith.
"While I do share the want to help Will with his problems, I do agree that unless he asks for it or allows it to happen, we need to mind our business." She answered.
"Alright, the Is have it, you three need to keep yer yaps shut." He told them. "Mom?!" Charlie questioned, shocked that she'd take such a stance.
"I'm sorry, dear, but Angel makes a valid point. None of us, no matter what personal experiences we have to draw from, can even begin to empathize what Will is working through." She said.
"That doesn't mean we can't console him and help him feel safe by surrounding him with people who care!" Charlie argued.
"...Do you just shove pharmacy greeting cards into your brain or something?" Even after so much time around her, Angel Dust questioned, still amazed by how ridiculously wholesome she was.
"Why the hell did you even tell us about this Angel if you were just going to be a bastard?" Vagatha asked, getting more and more upset by his responses.
"Because I knew you'd get pissed at me if we kept it from you!" He answered.
"Well, we're pissed at you right now, so I guess you fucked up!" She responded.
Before this could escalate further, everyone's attention was redirected towards the kitchen door as it was pushed open.
"Will!" Charlie greeted as the man of the hour appeared, "What're you doing here?" She nervously asked.
"I asked the others where you all were...said you were still in the kitchen..." He answered. "So you came to see what we were doing?" Vagatha asked.
"No...I came to tell you the others are messing with your displays..." He informed. Upon hearing that, Charlie's eyes shot open, and she rushed out of the room.
"GUYS! THOSE ARE MEANT FOR WILL!" She shouted out, hoping they hadn't done that much.
"Not five minutes into this meeting, and it's already falling apart," Vagatha said with a sigh before following after her, also irritated the others disrupted the displays.
After her departure Lilith, Nifty, and Alastor followed, the two women wanting to help Charlie and Vagatha, while the radio demon just wanted to watch the fun. This left Angel Dust alone with Will, which was something the former had been wanting since he got back.
"Huh...we're alone..." He spoke slowly while taking a few steps closer, "Just you...me...this big kitchen..." He continued.
"Where are the chefs?..." The Slayer asked.
"Oh, the cooking got done a little bit before I came in here. So before you showed up, Charlie and them let the cooks take off until lunchtime rolls around." He explained before suddenly wrapping his arms around the Slayer's neck, "And now that they're gone, you know what we could do, right?" He asked.
Remaining silent as he was genuinely trying to figure out what Angel Dust was getting at, this caused the other to lean in close and whisper in his ear after a few seconds.
"You...and me...can try all the food before anyone else~," He said sensually. "...We can what?" The Slayer questioned.
"We can eat the food!" He exclaimed with a smile before pulling away so he could gesture to the plates nearby resting on top of the counters and the isle in the middle of the space, "Look all of this shit! Now we're not going to eat all of it, we're not pigs, but we can nibble and taste them to get a head start. What do you say?" He asked.
"I'm pretty sure that'd just make Charlie angrier..." The Slayer answered.
"Ah, come on, Will! This is like the LEAST harmful thing you could do!" He exclaimed before wrapping an arm around his neck again, "Besides, all of this IS for you and your big shindig. So the way I see it, you're just doing what they would've had you do before they ask you to do it, get me?" He explained.
"I guess that makes sense..." The Slayer replied.
"Right? So come on, let your hair down, so to say, and just enjoy yourself." He urged before adorning a slightly softer expression, "And if not for yourself, for me maybe? I mean, it has been half a year since I got to see ya big guy, so it's been a while since you and I have had some kind of fun together." He said.
Although he didn't want to be rude to Charlie or be disrespectful to all the effort she'd gone through, seeing the ordinarily sex-crazed spider act in such a way was the extra push he needed to be on board.
"Fine...but only small bites..." The Slayer told him, which brought back his face-covering smile. "Fuck yeah, Will! Now you're letting loose!" Angel Dust cheered while fist-bumping the air.
Elsewhere...Unknown...
A cold empty wind blew through vacant metal hallways, entering through holes either cause by long-forgotten damage or the test of the time. Once filled with life, whether it be footsteps of the living or the machinery's heat, now the metal that made the walls, floors, and ceilings were colder than arctic ice. Which in many ways was darkly fitting, for filling these passageways were dried stains of crimson red and decrepit bones, all belonging to the former residents of this abandoned structure. Who they were and what purpose they served was also lost to memory, for those that now traversed these grounds cared not for their corpses, which was made evident as they crushed their skulls beneath their feet in their march.
Five was the total number of these beings, each similar in height and size with the same armor and weapons carried on their bodies. They were there for a reason, an important one at that, carrying out the will of their master to help bring about a new age, one that had been delayed endlessly by a stubborn bastard. What this reason was only they and their lord knew, as well as an outsider who for the moment served their master as they did, but they believed in due time he'd be put in his proper place. Until then, they held their tongue and dared not share any thoughts they may have; they were but extensions of the Dark One's power and were privileged to know life, especially now that they had been given even greater power than they once possessed.
Welcome To The Horny Hotel
Chapter Notes
(A/N: So, I saw the teaser for the ancient gods part 2. I guess Doom's Warhammer 40k now, that's...certainly something, so forgive that this chapter is mostly just fun and is another short one. I needed something to cheer me up.)
Food, that word on its own, is in no way sexy or alluring; all it means is something that is intended to be consumed by an organism that requires sustenance. But in the hands of a sex master like Angel Dust, food can be turned into a weapon of horny.
"Mmm...so good~." He moaned as he slowly pulled his fingers out of his mouth, "The cream is so thick and sticky, and it goes down so nice~." He carried on before looking to the Slayer with a half- lidded seductive stare, "What do you think, Will?" He asked in a sultry tone.
Having taken his helmet off when they started sampling the food, Angel Dust could see the strong, stoic face of the demon killer. This didn't make reading what was on his mind any easier though since he just had that serious resting expression, but it was still nice to see the real him.
"It's sweet..." The Slayer answered.
"Really? That's ALL you have to say?" Angel Dust questioned as he ever so slightly rubbed himself against his arm.
"Mhm, I haven't had sweets in a long time...even before the last six months...almost forgot what it tasted like..." He admitted before looking at the spider demon, "What's next?..." He asked.
Seeing that his attempt to turn the Slayer on crashed and burned, Angel Dust dropped the act and went back to normal.
"I think it's some kind of meat or something, like fish maybe." He answered. Watching the Slayer move onto the next dish, he stayed still to think of a new strategy.
"Alright, Angel, the fuck is wrong with you?" He asked himself as he crossed his arms, "You've made guys cum in their pants just by doing kinky shit with your tongue and a sucker. I mean, yeah, sure, Will's completely different from the perverts and creepy stalkers you used to have, actually I probably still do, but the POINT is that you are a master at getting someone to pin your face down on the floor and plow you like an Amish field. So if teasing him and acting all sexy isn't gonna get shit done, you need to take it to the next level!" He decided, his body quickly filling with a newfound determination.
In The Lobby...
"Okay...HOW did you guys manage to fuck things up so badly so fast?..." Vagatha asked while pinching the bridge of her nose.
When the others from Slayer Studios first arrived, the lobby was neat, the displays were organized, and everything was ready for Will to make decisions that would help with the planning. And somehow, in the short period they were left alone unsupervised, the entire room now looked like a car had been through it. Some tables were turned over, countless items and objects are strewn about the floor, and the culprits all stood side by side like a criminal lineup, each having some part of their appearance messed up in a certain way.
"I want to say right here and now that I was the ONLY adult," Katie responded. "But we're all adults?" Moxxie questioned.
"Really? Because from where I was standing, all of you looked like children, the kind who are hopped up on sugar and soda." She countered.
"Ahem!" Vagatha sounded to regain their attention, "Eyes here, people! No chit-chat is allowed until we get this sorted out!" She told them.
"Aw, come on, Vaggie, it's not THAT bad," Cherri said with a scoff.
In response to that, she gestured to Charlie, who Nifty and Lilith were helping clean everything up.
"The Slayer buttons too?..." She questioned sadly as she looked at a small pile of bent or broken commemorative buttons she'd made, causing her mother to put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"...I didn't do it," Cherri said immediately, hoping to deflect the blame to someone else.
"All of you have ten seconds to start explaining this. Otherwise, I get my spear out, and we do things MY way," Vagatha warned.
"May I?" Vox volunteered, believing he had the most honest account of the events. "The floor's yours." She said.
"Thank you." He replied before taking a step forward, "So, here's what happened."
A few minutes ago...
"Glad to see Angel get this out of the way before we get started," Katie said as she and the others watched him take Charlie to the kitchen.
"Yeah, rather have crying Charlie than pissed off. Poor TV." Cherri replied while looking at the destroyed flatscreen, which for some reason, was still on the wall.
"Speaking of, I wonder if she made all of these herself?" Moxxie asked, referring to the displays.
"Oh definitely! When Charlie gets upset, she takes her mind off of it by doing crafts!" Velvet answered.
"And you know this how?" Vox inquired. "Spa day." She replied.
"If she did do this by herself, it's honestly scarily impressive." Octavia said as she walked over to one of the tables, "I mean, look at this, hand-knitted sweaters with Will's helmet on them." She
pointed out while lifting one.
"This stuff is pretty nice; if you guys aren't careful, she could run you out of a job," Loona said with a smirk, teasing Moxxie and Millie.
"Pfft, as IF, Charlie's got her hands full running a hotel and being the princess of our circle. I'm pretty sure our marketing job at the studio is well beyond secure." He argued.
"Uh...Moxxie?" Millie said while tapping his shoulder, redirecting his attention to a specific table.
Looking to where his wife was pointing, his jaw nearly dropped when he saw three separate small stacks of t-shirts, all of which had the designs they made for theirs only much better.
"Oof looks like she's already gunning for your job," Loona spoke up again, the smugness of her grin getting worse.
"Um...Loona?..." Octavia said, doing the same thing Millie did.
Looking to where the owl teen was pointing, the Hell Hound's heart nearly stopped beating in her chest when she saw a table that had a bunch of hand-drawn posters, with HER, OCTAVIA, and WILL standing side by side performing a concert.
"Uh oh! What's this? It looks like Charlie's trying to be your manager~." Moxxie taunted her, oh so glad to see the look on her face.
"I will rip your throat out with my teeth." She threatened in a low menacing tone, briefly baring her fangs to show she was serious.
"Now, Loony, there's no need to jump to such a graphic threat," Stolas said, stepping in.
"STOP. CALLING. ME THAT." She demanded sternly, turning on her heels to stare hatefully into his eyes.
"I think things are starting to get out of hand," Katie whispered to Vox. "Agreed, at least it's only them and not us four. Right, Vel-"
Looking to his side, he didn't see the short doll demon anywhere. But he wouldn't need to search for her, as not a second later she called out to him from one of the tables.
"Look, Vox! Stickers!" She exclaimed with a grin, her face and most of her dress somehow already covered in well over thirty stickers.
"You were saying?" Katie asked as he let out a groan.
"THIS is EXACTLY why I don't let you go alone where there is stuff, Velvet! This is just like the time you ate a lollipop out of a dumpster!" He exclaimed before going over to deal with that.
"And then there were two, right Cherri?" Katie asked, looking to her right.
Deja Vu, the mono-eyed bomb enthusiast, was not present, but she spotted her running through the tables picking up and looking over different things.
"I forgot, I have a child of my own." She said with a groan, knowing she'd have to go after her to keep her from causing chaos.
Over the next few seconds, things only got worse; Millie and Moxxie went to look at the shirts only to discover how nicer they were than theirs. Loona and Stolas's conversation got more intense while Octavia focused more on the items featuring them. Despite all logic and physics laws, Velvet, before Vox reached her and the table, managed to cover nearly all of her head in stickers. As for Cherri and what she got up to, well, that'd play out in just a moment.
"How is this even POSSIBLE?! We just showed off the designs yesterday, and not only does she have this many as samples, but they're also way better than what we made!" Moxxie exclaimed, staring wide-eyed at one of the shirts.
"MOXXIE! SHE'S EVEN GOT THEM IN ALTERNATE COLORS!" Millie shouted at him in a panic while frantically waving two of them around in her hands.
"WHY can't you get it through your feathered ass that I don't want you to call me Loony?!" Loona asked with tightly clenched fists.
"I just want us to be a family! I mean, we already are since we're living together, but still, who knows how long it'll be before your father is ready to get married!" Stolas answered.
"DON'T YOU DARE USE THE M WORD!" She shouted.
"It's not just posters, it's more shirts and wristbands, and even sunglasses...is she trying to be our manager? Or is there some other reason?..." Octavia muttered to herself, falling into a rabbit hole of theories to why Charlie spent so much effort on this specifically.
"Velvet, I swear to fucking Vega, this is ridiculous!" Vox exclaimed as he held her up by her ankle, rapidly peeling away layers of stickers because SOMEHOW, there were multiple.
"Mmmf mmf mmmf!" She responded though it was muffled due to her essentially being a sticker mummy.
"Oooh! Bath bombs!" Cherri exclaimed with glee as she picked up one of the soapy spheres. "Nope." Katie denied instantly, grabbing it out of her hand.
"What the fuck Katie?" She asked while turning to face her with crossed arms, her tone more confused than angry.
"I don't know what twisted idea popped into your head just now, but you're NOT turning a bath bomb into an ACTUAL bomb," Katie answered.
"Wait, it's not a real bomb?" She questioned.
"Oh come on, you mean to tell me you've never used a bath bomb before or know how one works? Not even when you were alive?" Katie asked.
"Dude, do I look like someone who'd be into this kind of shit enough to know something like that?" She countered.
"...Fair point," Katie said.
"Still, that IS disappointing to learn. Why even call it a bomb then if it doesn't explode?" She questioned.
"Because it technically explodes when you use it in water." Katie clarified.
"Pfft, there's no such thing as a TECHNICAL explosion. In fact, I'll show you!" She decided as she summoned one of her bombs.
"CHERRI DON'T YOU FUCKING-"
BOOM
Present...
"YOU SET OFF A BOMB IN THE LOBBY?!" Vagatha shouted with rage as she looked at Cherri, eyes boiling over with fire.
"NO. I wouldn't do something that crazy and dangerous; I set off something closer to a hand grenade or a firework." She replied.
"Ah-ha! So THAT'S why you all look like you've been dragged for five miles down the road!" Alastor exclaimed with a snap of his fingers.
"It also explains why my buttons look like they were shoved down a garbage disposal..." Charlie said, still upset about that in particular.
"Mhm." Vox sounded to confirm before continuing the story, "After that, Will showed back up in the elevator, saw the disarray, asked us where you all were, then went to go tell you of what madness was wrought in your absence." He concluded.
"Wait a second, where is Will?" Katie asked, just now realizing the lack of masculinity.
Having the same realization occur with them as well, everyone pondered as to why he was absent. But that's when they noticed someone ELSE wasn't there, a person who had well-established feelings for the marine and was hornier than a jackrabbit pumped with so many aphrodisiacs it could be labeled a deadly weapon.
"ANGEL!" Katie shouted out in anger before hurrying to the kitchen.
Following right behind her, the others also-ran in the same direction, some curious if anything was actually happening, while the rest were sure it wasn't. Despite this, when they all reached their destination, and the door was pushed open, what they saw none of them could've expected.
Although the Slayer was nowhere to be seen, which was strange all on its own, what made it worse was that Angel Dust was present but not in a way that could be called decent.
"Aaaaaaand done!" He exclaimed proudly as he finished applying whipped cream to his body, "Oh, Will~ Hurry up~ The food's gonna get cold~" He called out, seeming to direct his voice towards a separate nearby room.
After saying that, the spider demon with an ear-to-ear smile turned around, where he saw the others standing there looking at him. At the same time, they got to see him too, and how in certain places he was covered in whipped cream, chocolate, a few sprinkles, and that he didn't have any clothes on, including the most important article, which meant that they were greeted by Angel Dust junior, who was also adorned with whipped cream.
"Oh, hey guys." He greeted casually, as this wasn't the first time he was seen in a state precisely like this before.
"...Vagatha," Alastor spoke, being the only one able to do so despite he was in the same state of shock as the others.
"Yes, Al?..." She responded.
"Could you summon your spear for me, please?" He requested. "What for?..." She asked.
"To stab my eyes out." He answered.
"Sure, right after I stab mine out first." She replied.