Author's Note: Hello! This is the first Slayers fic I've written and 'published'. I'm normally writing for Ranma ½ but since Slayers is 'up' there on my fav list of anime, I decided to try my hand at it. Of course, in the future, I'll probably write more romance type things. *shrugs* for some reason after humor and romance, this is my favorite thing to explore. Oh, and please no flames. I realize I made the character slightly more intelligent but hey, it works for me. So if you don't like the story, then let the silence speak for itself. Thanks!!!
Disclaimer: Dan Seals owns the song and whoever owns Lina legally owns her and the crew. I own nothing, I'm not making money on this and this is just for entertainment purposes.
Sometimes, when it's late and I'm wake, I come to this spot to talk to you. You're not here, but it helps to think-talk to you like you are here. I come out here only when the moon is full, when you can still smell the bakery's last goods dying on the wind. I really don't like leaving the camp for very long, too many threats that might attack it.
In the years that have passed, I've not rusted in my talent. I seem to be 'shining' brighter than ever, at least according to some. In some way it's funny, I guess I truly turned into some version of the old fairy tale's 'knight in shining armor'.
I walk this path, ironically, is the same dirty street where I met you for the first time. Maybe that's why, when we pass, I like to come out this way. It doesn't matter if it means taking the long way to get where we are going, as long as we get there.
There are times when I see you in a crowd. Or at least I think I do. I see a flash of red or magenta and for a moment, my heart is fooled into thinking you might have come back. But then, then I have to settle with the cold fact that you probably have no intention of coming back to us.
The reason I'm out here tonight is because I saw a new picture of you. Unfortunately, it was on a wanted poster. You're temper must have gotten the best of you once again and another city met with a Dragon Slave fate. I can almost see you standing there, fists clenched, your sharp fang like tooth poking out as you rant and rave about something that upset you.
Of course, to everyone amazement, there are a few towns that have erected a statue of an unknown sorceress with wild hair and a noble expression. It's to thank the unknown heroin who saved them from immediate destruction and death. If they only knew, right?
I knew you never wanted to be famous, regardless of the way you acted. You just wanted to help people and have fun. I guess it was because your older sister use to beat the snot out of you that you hid what you wanted. I mean, if I had a sister like Luna, I think I would toughen up significantly too!
I guess you are still doing that, somewhere. Still being a bandit slayer, still being a heroin, and still having fun. You should be able to buy Seyrune with the amount of money you probably have pocketed somewhere.
Of course, I also remember the astronomical amount of money you would put out for a good dinner back when we were traveling together. You know, that's the funny thing about all this. After you left to continue to wander around the world or wherever you are, I packed everything up and hit the road too.
It wasn't my first choice, but I had an interesting 'vision' and from there, didn't feel like you needed me anymore. No matter how much I still needed and wanted you. No matter how much I was still, sorry, am still in love with you.
Saw your picture on a poster, in a cafe out in PhoenixGuess you're still the sweet heart of the rodeo
As for the life you left behind? Well, we are both fine. Me and FeLina have been traveling around for nine years, occasionally coming back to the house. I can't stand to be there long, I feel the restlessness in me and it cries to go and travel.
Either that or it's because every single floorboard and nail has a memory of you attached and that's what I really can't handle. Isn't amazing? I really can't hold on to information well but I can remember almost everything about that house.
The only reason I still travel that way is because FeLina has friends in the area. Of course, she has friends everywhere. She's that type of person I guess. Interesting enough, she has a blend of my personality and yours. Friendly, good natured, and quick tempered.
I don't take her out as far as we use to go. It just wouldn't fit. It wouldn't be right to have to introduce her to places in our past, it would be so hard for her to understand. Amelia, thankfully, is still on friendly terms with us and invites us over frequently.
I think you go there as well, and I think Amelia plans our visit around yours. It's kind of sad but nothing could be harder on my heart than the fact that FeLina is really missing you. She doesn't even know you, and yet, she misses you.
As for me and little Casey, we still make the circuit
In a one horse trailer and a mobile home
It's so hard now that she is fifteen, around the same age you were when we met. She is curious about if she looks like you, acts like you, is anything like you. I have to smile and answer her the best I can.
Sometimes, I have to fudge the truth.
How would I know what you are thinking anymore? You aren't even contactable through mail of any sort. How many mail carriers would willingly track down 'the Dragon Spooker' to hand over a few scribbled lines.
Maybe the fact of the matter is, I'm not afraid of the cost but that I am more afraid of the answer. More pointedly, the lack of an answer. I could never see that disappointment on her face. I decided a long time ago, a few weeks after your departure, that I would let her dream. It's the least she can have, since she can't have her mother.
When FeLina starts to question why you left, I have to change the subject. But she's smart, she knows that I do this but is helpless to prevent it. Another question I dread is if we ever cross your mind. I wince and, again, have to feign stupidity. Though, as the jellyfish brains, it's not too hard.
You are always on her mind. You are always on mine. And I doubt you even remember we exist. Or maybe you've just blocked it out. Perhaps you wish to come back but don't know how to say as much. I'm sure if you really wanted to you could find us, Xelloss knows where we are most of the time and I know he knows where you are all the time. He has 'dropped hints' about how you are doing, for whose benefit I'm not sure, but he does it.
I smile and say 'thanks' but otherwise don't think on it. I wonder if you ask about us at all anymore? From Amelia or Xelloss?
And she still asks about you all the time
And I guess we never even cross your mind
I can still remember the first time that I realized I was in love with you. With my bad memory, I can still see you so clearly that day. You were sitting on a rock by a lake. We were taking a break after the latest bandit thrashing and you thought the lake looked too pretty to walk by.
So, even though it was mid-day, we set up camp and spent the entire time relaxing. You were perched on the rock, one ankle draped across the other leg and your elbows resting on your thighs. You had slipped off your gloves and your now naked hands where intertwined and they were what your chin was resting on. The look in your ruby eyes, the complete peace you seemed to be at was just breathtaking.
I don't know how long we stayed in those positions. Me leaned up against a tree with my arms folded behind my back and you resting on the stone. Maybe it was minutes, who knows, it could have been hours. But I just couldn't take my eyes off of you as the wind picked up and played with your fire red hair.
After a while you turned your attention to me, and once you caught me staring, I felt my smile grow. I didn't even know I had been smiling. A fear had slithered through me that you'd start to yell and scream about what a strange person I was being. You never did though. You just smiled back at me.
"What are you staring at?" You questioned, with an amused grin.
A million phrases went through my mind, but none seemed fitting. I closed my eyes, locking your face away in my memory for as long as I live. It was the wisest choice I had ever made. You were beautiful and you were there with me.
That's when I realized I loved you.
No thunderclap of announcement but more like an acknowledgement of something I always knew was there.
I wonder if you remember that day at all?
Or do you just think of the future, in hopes of forgetting the past?
But oh sometimes I think about you
And the way you used to ride out…
Things in the past like when I had sacrificed the Sword of Light to help everyone save the world. I was afraid that, as your guardian, you wouldn't want me around anymore. I was in love with the one I was suppose to protect but I didn't know if you would still want me around now that I didn't have the Sword you always told everyone was yours and on loan to me.
You smiled, after all the commotion had died away, and grabbed my arm. You looped yours through mine and dragged me off to the next town, saying that we had to find me a new sword before we could bash anymore thieves.
It meant so much to me that you still wanted me around. I had thought that you loved me and when you didn't shoo me away after I lost the Sword, I knew you did. I wasn't sure when you were going to say so, but I knew.
We had stayed three weeks in a town which was notorious for its blacksmithing abilities. You spared no expense, paying for sword with almost everything we had. But the product of our waiting was well worth it.
The sword, though not magical, was beautiful in make, use and design. You beamed with pride as I practiced with it for the first time. There was nothing wrong with it, but if there had been I don't think I would have told you. There was no way I was going to wipe off the pleased smile off your face.
After almost twenty years and hundreds (perhaps thousands) of bandits later, I have to say that the sword is nicked and scratched. The blade and the hilt are loosening from each other, but I just can't get a new one. I have money enough to buy one, but I just can't let me old sword go.
It's just one more precious thing that is proof of your love.
The sword, but more importantly, our daughter, FeLina.
Well old Red he's getting older, and last Saturday he stumbled
But you know I just can't bear to let him go
She has your wild, fiery hair (and the temper to match it) and my eyes. Filia always said she'd be a heartbreaker when she started to court with the boys. Of course there is no way I'm letting her 'court' anyone until she's fifty or married. It took me a few times to remember what 'court' was, Amelia and Filia were both getting pretty frustrated about it.
Every time I turn around, she's getting older, taller and more beautiful. She reminds me a great deal of you, without the Dragon Slave of course.
When she turned thirteen I thought I was going to die of shock. Why didn't you ever tell me what exactly 'that time of the month' meant because when she asked I was clueless. I stood around our campsite with my mouth opened like a dead fish and my eyes bugging out a little. She kept crying and yelling that a healing spell wasn't working.
It was the quickest trip to Seyrune I have ever made in my life. Even when he's blushing like a cherry, Zel still has all the power of cold intimidation to fall back on.
Thankfully, Amelia had taken over the 'motherly' role to answer the questions that had me beyond baffled. She was my little girl, the last breathing piece of you I had within my reach.
I wish you could have been the one to help FeLina with that. Even if you decided on the same course of action I took, at least it would have been her mother it was coming from and not her 'Aunt' Amelia.
You seem to miss out on a lot by not being around.
Little Casey she's still growing and she's started asking questions
And there's certain things a man just doesn't know M
Just like her birthdays.
Speaking of, her birthday in a few days, that's why we are here. Back at the house you left us at.
She doesn't say it out loud, but I know why she always demands for us to come back here for her birthday. Deep in her heart I'm sure she thinks that maybe one year, maybe some how you will show up and be there at the house waiting for her.
It's her only wish. A wish that her mother will show up and we can be a family again. I know because I've heard her wish it every time the stars show up and on every birthday candle she's blown out since she was six.
For the past nine years you haven't shown up. You haven't even sent a cupcake or a letter to let her know you are thinking about her. Amelia makes her presents small but special, Filia is thoughtful enough to sent a small cup, vase or whatever it might be from one year to the next. This year she sent a mace which had me worried. But FeLina thought it was hilarious that the note attached mentioned something about using this chibi mace-sama to keep boys off of her.
As much as she loves her 'aunts' I know she wants and loves you more. Just like I am, she is waiting for you.
But every year goes by and every time I have to watch as she goes to bed with tears in her eyes.
Do you miss us?
Her birthday came and you never even called
I guess we never cross your mind at all
I have memories with me always. They come to me whenever I let my guard down, whenever FeLina asks about you and whenever I dream. You still mean that much to me. The one which seems to linger the longest, breaks my heart the most was the night when you finally came clean with your own feelings.
It was after a cured Zelgadis and Amelia were finally married. She made you maid of honor as long as you didn't blow anything up and I was the best man as long as I didn't fall asleep. Thankfully, I didn't.
I still remember how--cute you looked dressed up in pink with yards and yards of material creating a low cut, bell like dress. Since Amelia forced you into pink, you forced her to put all sorts of jewels on the dress and give you the best jewelry from multiple shops. All which you kept after the wedding ceremony.
The ceremony went smoothly, Filia over joyed that Xelloss wouldn't set a foot in the kingdom because all of the positive emotions floating around. When the reception rolled around, the ball room was a pretty nice place. Every candle in the kingdom it seemed was placed in one of the three chandeliers.
You looked so amazing, but, of course, I said the first thing that came to my mind. I said you looked like a fish because of all the jewels that looked like scales reflecting the light. You hit me so hard, I'm still shocked that I don't have a bump on the back of my head to this day.
But as soon as the band started playing and Amelia herded us to the middle of the floor with her and Zel, you seemed to have forgiven me. Of course you didn't look at me the entire time we were dancing, I'd come to find out it was because your face and neck were just as red as your hair.
After the food, the dancing and the whispers to the blushing newlyweds, everyone left to go to their own beds. An hour later, you had knocked on my door and with cheeks so red they looked like tomatoes you asked if you could stay in my room. When I asked why you, the brazen Lina Inverse, stuttered out something about being right next to Amelia's room and then your whole face look like the setting sun.
Of course I let you in and gave you the bed. You protested but I shrugged it off and went to the couch. Since I'm so tall, it was uncomfortable but I didn't even think about it. It was for you. Half way through the night you told me I could get into the bed.
I shrugged it off again, saying that I wanted you to have and no need for you to sleep on the couch or floor. The conversation was etched in my mind from that night foreword.
"I---didn't mean you had to, Jellyfish." You barked out the last few words but then they were soft again. "I meant you can share the bed. It's big enough."
My eyes widened. "B-but, Lina!"
The look you shot me left no room for argument, but still there was fear. "It's okay, Gourry." You insisted, "I trust you."
I let a smile cross my lips and nodded. Collecting the blanket and pillow from the couch, I made my way to the bed. After I laid down and was comfortable (and far away from you, so you wouldn't fire ball me) I got another surprise.
You willingly moved closer to me. Laid your head on my shoulder and scared me to death. At first I thought you might be asleep, but my hearing didn't trick me. Your breathing wasn't steady like it is when someone is asleep.
"Lina?"
"G'night, Gourry." I wasn't going to press anything. Later, when we woke up in the morning. You were still blushing and simply said that it was okay to share a bed with someone you---love.
…In your rhinestones and your sequins
With the sunlight on your hair…
After that day, it was like a landslide of fate. Within a year's time, we were on the road when I asked if we could make it official. You beat me up and down thinking I meant to sleep with you in a different matter. You felt bad and turned a lovely apple color when I said that I just wanted to marry you, not sleep with you.
Of course that had it's own odd beating when you thought I didn't want you in that way. You were always so confusing.
But in a month or so, we were married. It seemed so too good to be true, and in fact, it was. The traveling was wonderful and not much changed for us. You still blew up the bandits and robbed them blind and I was still always by your side.
But the day you came back from one of the local doctors, you had this look of disbelief and terror all over your face. Then came the second happiest moment of my life, you said you were pregnant. My joy must have covered up your uncertainty as I picked you up laughing and twirling you.
For the next four or so months I had to beg you to take it easy. Finally, when you were really starting to show, you agreed to a six month rest. And around three months later, FeLina was born. You, for once, had nothing to do with the mini-tribute to yourself. I was the one who named her. I thought it was only fitting seeing that you both had the same color hair.
Amelia and Filia cooed all over her and even then you were highly protective of her. But then Xelloss made a comment that I think started the downfall. He casually mentioned how it was so admirable that you should give up the world for just two people.
You yelled at him and said you were happy. I still wonder how long those words lingered in the back of your mind before you started to welcome them into your every thought. Is that why you left, is that what made you think you couldn't have it all was because of us?
We would have gone with you. FeLina would have followed in your footsteps without question and complete admiration. Though, thinking about it quickly, I don't want to even imagine how it would be should you two have ever gotten into a fight. Half the known world would have been Ragna bladed to non existence. Maybe you would have just stormed off in one direction why she went to go blow something up in another.
I don't know now anymore than I did then.
We could have been a great team. A wonderful and strong family unit. But I guess you thought we'd only slow you down. Maybe that we'd age the great Lina Inverse, because I've heard and seen that you've went back to your maiden name after you left. Why?
Why did you think we'd only get in your way?
Everybody said you'd make it big someday
And I guess that we were only in your way
I can feel sorry for myself.
I can feel sorry for a daughter who has a mother who is out there somewhere.
I can feel sorry for a lot of things because of you.
But I don't feel bad or sorry for these reasons or people.
Instead, I choose to feel sorry for you, Lina.
I feel bad for you because you'll never know what it was like when FeLina mastered her first spell. I'm holding off on letting anyone teach her the Dragon Slave, hoping one day you'll come back and teach her yourself and I know her temper. I'd like for her not to have such a questionable reputation before she is even eighteen.
I feel sorry for you because of the way you just walked out, not saying good-bye and not giving us a chance to. If you really never think about us, then I doubt you ever feel the nagging sense of guilt about abandoning us. You could have left me and I would have been hurt and confused for a very long time (like I am presently) but you left your own child. I always thought the bond between parents and children were strong.
But you left her as quickly as you left me.
Do you realize that maybe in the future she won't ask about you?
Do you think that maybe it's too late to fill the gap in your relationship with us?
Do you ever think that maybe you made the wrong choice? That perhaps you paid a price too high for the life you lead now?
You gained the world but lost your family. Or you left your family I should say. Was it worth it?
Is it worth it?
Do you know what you've missed out on?
Do you know that I don't blame you?
But someday I'm sure your gonna know the cost
Cause for everything you win there's something lost
I know now, it was my fault.
The jellyfish brains actually figured something out! You'd be so proud, I think.
After nine years of being alone with our daughter, of having to raise her by myself, I finally came to realize that I still love you. I can't blame you for leaving us. It wasn't the life you had planned at all. I tried to make you settle, even though I didn't know it was that which I was doing.
My observant nature is what always kept me alive, kept me going. Sometimes, I remember you getting this far off look in your eye as you sat in the kitchen. I didn't notice it then but I can see it clearly etched now.
It only got worse when the new tavern was built in town and we started to eat there at least once a week. Slowly, you went there more and more often. The tales of travelers adventures set your restless blood on fire. A fire that a husband and baby couldn't exactly help you with. So you left us.
But you left me once before too. Back when we were fighting that evil kid guy and you became all gold and shinny. I had blindly jumped after you because I loved you. I had faced death without batting an eye or anything else. I just wanted you to be okay.
After all these years, I can still remember standing in awe of you as you stood before us in a golden orb of light. Your body but not your spirit. You shined on the outside, but not the inside.
That spell made way for something else, but not you. I finger the small, plain golden band on my left ring finger. I guess I did the same thing. I took what made you you and subdued it to a point where you were shinning with a different kind of light.
You were happy on the outside, but on the inside it must have been killing you, Lina. I close my eyes, tighten my fists and take a deep breath. I have to leave now, Lina. FeLina will start to worry and threaten the patrons of the inn we are staying at. Call me crazy or stupid (most likely stupid) but every time I leave these think-talk sessions, I feel like I'm really saying good-bye to you all over again.
Opening my eyes, I look down at my wedding ring once again, and smile faintly.
I will always love you as will FeLina. I hope one day to see you again and for you to want to see us. But for now I have to live with the facts that you taught me so well nine years ago.
Till next time, Lina.
…And oh the crowd will always love you
But as for me I've come to know
Everything that glitters is not gold