AN:  I am sorry this thing formatted so very wrong!  If the problem is still here, you can read a clearer version on adult fanfiction.net-or I will send it to you, as long as you tell me what you think.  I hate when it does this!

I am going to be posting the new prologue in a day or so.  Please tell me what you think!  Then I will post the new versions of the first 5 chapters!  I am still taking suggestions! 

Also, reader AJ Quendil has sent me a lovely full-color picture of the scene in "Waking Dream" in which Merry is threating Frodo with the knife as he is prostrate on the bed.  It can be found on the Merry-pip lovers site.  Tell me if you'd like the link!  And I think I will put together a webpage for RATM art, so if you are an artist and would like to/or have already drawn something for this fic, please do send it my way!!!

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Chapter 33 – BROTHERS IN MISERY

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Hour One.

The door had closed behind Merry, leaving Pippin alone in a dreary room that contained nothing save a small table against the far wall and a chair attached cruelly to his bound and blindfolded cousin.  The small window teased him with hints of the outside word, snatches of sunlight, faint whispers of leaves.  But the oppressive greyness that surrounded them pushed down Pippin's spirits, made him feel near as trapped as poor Frodo. 

Frodo.  Poor Frodo.  Head lolled down on chest, the only part of his body he could move, stripped of his shirt, his sight, and his dignity.  He snored softly, yet Pippin could detect a hint of quivering.  Even in sleep, Frodo's body was cold, or scared. Or both.  His breathing was harsh and erratic and Pippin wondered how angry Merry would be with him if he loosened the ropes around Frodo's chest to allow him to breathe and sleep more comfortably.

Sleep!  Frodo must not sleep!  And yet, already Pippin had failed Merry!  Or would he now fail Frodo?  How Pippin longed to cut the wretched binds, hold his cousin in his arms, serve him some tea as he wrapped him in a blanket.  Isn't that what Frodo had done when Pip visited Bag End as a lad and fell sick?  Yes.  He accompanied Merry right after Frodo came into his inheritance, an adventure with his cousin.  Merry had decided an October frolic in the rain was just what his thirteen-year-old cousin needed, but it wasn't, and Pippin's snuffles turned to sneezes, and soon Pippin was a full-blown aching, shaking mass of flu.  Frodo, as a bachelor, had no experience with mother-henning a sick hobbit-lad, but he'd risen to the occasion, cooking soothing soup, Pippin's favorite biscuits, hot cider, and pampered him so thoroughly that Pippin regretted when he undeniably began to recover. 

Now this.  If Frodo ever had need for blankets and soup, this was it.  What Pippin could see of his cousin's face was pale and sweaty, high blotches of stark color on either cheek hinting at a fever raging in the otherwise frigid body.  Pippin longed to release his beloved cousin from the cruel bonds encasing him and put him to bed with heated stones to warm him and gentle words to soothe him.  To let him drift into a healing sleep until his eyes sparkled with their accustomed twinkle instead of the dull resignation and wild fear that had come to light them recently.  But Pippin had made a promise to Merry and would not waiver.  Frodo must be kept awake, for his own good - to go through short, intense torment so that he could emerge happy and carefree.  But, oh, Pippin just did not have the heart for this bad business!   But he must!

Frodo surfaced from his haze of slumber and perceived small hands shaking him, patting his cheeks, calling his name through the inky darkness.

"Sam?" Frodo mumbled.  "Let me sleep a while longer, Sam, my head is aching.  The hedges can wait.  And it is still dark."

Pippin's heart sank.  How he hated to remind Frodo where he was!

"It's me, Frodo dear! Pippin!  You must wake up!"

"Pippin?" muttered Frodo, still shrouded in sleep.  "Pippin, light a candle, will you?  It is so dark. What is the time?"

"I don't know, Frodo," sighed Pippin.  "Morning.  I have a candle already.  But you must awaken!"

Frodo snapped his head back and forth, a tinge of panic starting to infuse his movements.  Pippin instinctively stood up and wrapped his arms around Frodo's shoulders, noting with dismay the frigid clamminess that met his fingertips.

"Why can't I see you?"

"You have a cloth over your eyes, Frodo," answered Pippin regretfully.  "Remember?  But you're safe.  You won't be hurt."

Pippin could guess from Frodo's head movements that he was rising to awareness, and, probably, remembering his situation.  After emitting a long ragged sigh, Frodo spoke.

"Is Merry in here, Pip?"

"No, Frodo.  Just your Pip."

"Pippin, please lower my blindfold.  Merry shan't know.  Just for awhile.  It will be our secret."

"I can't Frodo," answered Pippin.  "I just can't."

"Please, Pippin!  I can't move at all, you know I cannot run again.  And after what I have been though, at least grant me the gift of sight!  I shall go mad without a little light."

"It is not very light in here anyways, and I'm not much to look at, Frodo!  Please don't make this harder for me," Pippin pleaded.  "Please, Frodo!  You must stay as you are."

"Then I shall go back to sleep," groused Frodo.  "Sleep until the end of time."

"No!" squeaked Pippin. 

"No?"

"No sleep, Frodo!"  Pippin exclaimed in terror.  "You cannot sleep!  Please don't make me be unpleasant, Frodo, because I don't have the heart.  Please stay awake—for me Frodo!  FOR ME!"

"And what I shall I get out of this bargain, Peregrin Took?!" snapped Frodo harshly. 

Pippin shuddered at the use of his full name.  From long tradition, that convention typically preceded a lashing.  Pippin flushed, realizing that Frodo would get absolutely nothing out of the arrangement - nothing but the possibility that Merry would not punish the both of them.  He had no good answer, at least, no answer that Frodo would accept.  Frodo perceived this, and made a second ploy.  His stomach growled fiercely, announcing its appalling emptiness to the room.

"I shall try my best to stay awake, Pippin, if you will share your biscuits, tea, and water with me."

"Frodo," moaned Pippin.  "You know that I want to, and you know I cannot!"

"Pippin!" exclaimed Frodo, his voice now desperate.  Would you deny me even that?! Pippin!"

"Frodo!  I cannot!  Please!" cried Pippin.  "You are torturing me!  You know I would if I could, but I cannot!"

'Please, Pip!  I haven't eaten since…I can't remember the last time I've had a morsel and I've had nothing to drink but poisoned tea and river water since…since…"  Frodo shook his head, unable to remember when a sip of cool, clear water had last crossed his lips.  "Please, Pip.  A mouthful of water.  Please!'

"Frodo!" exclaimed Pippin, his arms now wrapped around Frodo again.  "I can't love.  You know I cannot.  Please don't tempt me when I am trying so hard to be responsible!"

"A bite, Pippin!  A sip!  I am so hungry and so thirsty.  Every part of my body is in pain and you have the power cure the least of my ills.  Merry shan't know!  How shall he?"

"That is not the point, Frodo," sighed Pippin.  "Who am I to stop you from learning a lesson that Merry needs to teach?  Who am I to do that, Frodo?"

"You are Peregrin Took," answered Frodo forcefully.  "The future Thain of the Shire.  And you are kind—at least you were."

"Oh Frodo!" whined Pippin.  "Do not say that!  I am kind, but Merry says that sometimes one has to be cruel to be---"

"Merry says!  Merry says!" growled Frodo.  "What does Pippin say?!"

"I say we listen to Merry."

"Agh!" cried Frodo in absolute frustration.  "You are a fool-Pippin!  A fool if you think Merry is the appropriate mentor!  Be an adult, Pip!  Think for yourself!  Grow up!"

"I AM Frodo!  I am!"

"Why?" sneered Frodo.  "Because Merry says so?  Does the state of your maturity rest on his shoulders now, Pip?  I say an adult would untie me, let me go!  But you are nothing but Merry's miserable little shadow, Pip!  A simpering, obedient little shadow.  I dislike what you have become!"

Pippin started to sniff. 

"That's hard, Frodo!  Cold hard!"

"Then make me take it back, Pippin!  Feed me!  Share your bounty! Surely you can!"

"I can't!"

"Wretched lad!" yelled Frodo.  "Do not consider yourself my friend!"

Frodo no longer concerned himself with politeness.  He was too harried, too frantic, and too miserable to care a whit for Pippin's fragile feelings.  Behind his blindfold, he could not see the damage his words had done.  Could not see Pippin's tears streaming down Pippin's cheeks or the pain in his eyes. 

*   *   *

Hour Two

"Wake up! Wake up!"  Pippin shook Frodo by the shoulders causing the whole chair to rattle and scratch.  "No sleep, Frodo!  Wake up! Please!"

Frodo opened his eyes to darkness.  He had dozed, but with his eyes obscured by the blindfold, Pippin had not seen him.  His body had been reduced to a mass of sharp tingles, the blood running sluggishly through his veins failing to warm his immobilized limbs.  The cold had sunk deep into his bones, gnawing at them and sending dull shivers through his numbed flesh.  He felt as if every cold, every flu and every childhood illness that ever been visited upon him had coalesced and hunted him down to assault him now.  He was not in the mood to placate Peregrin Took at the moment.

"Make me!" Frodo grumbled as he shut his eyes again.  "I'm bound hand and foot, I cannot move an inch, and I've been told I'm to have no food, no water, and no comfort!  I shall have my escape and take my rest as I will!"

Frodo's soft snores were interrupted by the sound of water splashing on his scalp.

"AG!"  screamed Frodo.  "Merry!"

"It is me, Frodo.  Pippin.  Please, for both of our sakes, awake!"

"Detestable little---!"

"Please, Frodo, I'm only trying to---"

"Don't speak to me, little rat!"

And Pippin did not.

*   *   *

Hour three.

"Up, Frodo!  UP!  You've done it again!  Please!  I don't want to use the water again! 

"Then DON"T!"  Frodo had become outright surly, tired beyond measure and feeling more ill and muddled each time he was pulled from the blissful sleep he was being denied.  "If I must wear this detestable blindfold, then you shall not know if I slumber or not, and that will be your problem, not mine!"

"I saw your head go down," whimpered Pippin.

"Can't a hobbit rest his head?!"

"You'll sleep if you do!" countered Pippin.

"So?!" yelled Frodo. "Are you going to run and tell Merry?  Or shall we both take some well-deserved rest?"

"Neither," sighed Pippin. 

"And I shall tell Merry you let me sleep, Pippin!  How would you like that?  Shall I?"

Frodo could not see the color drain from Pippin's face. 

"You wouldn't!"

"Wouldn't I?" threatened Frodo.  "What have I to lose?"

"He'll hurt us!"

"Ah!" exclaimed Frodo, smelling an opportunity.  "So you do fear him!"

"No," stuttered Pippin.  "it's just---"

"You are frightened of Merry because in your heart you know that he is unpredictable and dangerous.  You know his soul is not the one you thought you knew.  Tell me, Pippin," Frodo's sharp voice softened.  "Tell me what he did to you.  You can tell me, Love."

It was Pippin's turn to be surly.  "He did nothing."

"He thrashed you like a small lad!"

"Days ago.  And I deserved it."

"Did you?"

"Yes."

"He branded you!"

"I wanted it!"

"Did you?"

"Yes!"

"He violates you!"

"I wanted it!"

"Did you want it like that, Pip?  You limped.  You bled.  Is that love?  Is that what you would have chosen, Pip?  Is that how you will handle a lass on your wedding night?  Pip?"

Pip's silence told Frodo that he'd hit a chord.  He decided to dig deeper, perhaps displacing enough soil to uproot the poison Merry had planted deep within Pippin's mind.

"Well?" chased Frodo.  "Is it, Pip?"

Frodo had no idea of the violence Pippin had endured at the hands of Merry, but he suspected, strongly suspected.

"And, Pip, you looked like death yesterday morning.  What did Merry do to you then, Pippin?  Were you punished for letting us out?  You ignored my warning, Pip, and you let Merry out.  How did he make you pay, Pippin?  How?  Another thrashing?  Pip—or worse?  Did you deserve it?"

Frodo could tell by the sounds of Pippin's breathing that he was beginning to crack, his breathes now hitching into something that sounded like sobs.  It was an opening.  Pippin was an open wound, but an opening was an opening.  Frodo cruelly sharpened his words and dashed in.

"I'll wager you did deserve it, Pip!  Whatever Merry gave you, you deserved!  I bet you let Merry down!  You meant to betray Merry all along!  You care not for him!  You blundered on purpose to ruin his plan!"

"No!" screamed Pippin.

"No what?"

"I did not purposefully betray him!  I—I-just, well you and Sam gave me no choice!"

"You failed him, though!  You deserved it, whatever he did! And, by the way, what was it, your just punishment?  Did you weep like an infant, like you are now, Pippin?  Did he berate you for crying, Pippin, call you a child?  You are too childish to do anything right!"

"No!" screeched Pippin.  "I am not a child! Not a child, Frodo!"

"But you deserved what Merry gave you!" growled Frodo.  "Because you were a fool, a child! Infantile!  You deserved your torment"

"No!" screamed Pippin.  "I did not!  I just gave Sam a blanket!  How was I to know?  I tried to do right!"

Frodo relented again.  "What did Merry do to you, Pip?  What did he do to you that you did not deserve?"

Pippin fell into heaving sobs.

"I can't say!"

"Because you deserved it?" Frodo said, gently now.

"No!"

"Tell me Pip.  What did Merry do to you?"

The memories bubbled to the service in the boiling cauldron of Pippin's over-stimulated mind.  He fell into heaving sobs, falling to the ground laying his head face down on the pillow of Frodo's feet. A chaos of emotions having been pent up and buried deep now exploded out in all directions in a catharsis of tears and masked rage.  He recalled it all, every last hurt, every cruel word, the slaps, the confusion, the pain, the rape, the cold terrifying eyes as he was bound to the tree, left—forsaken, forgotten.  But Merry had returned—reclaimed, remembered!  Merry loved him, didn't he?  He said so, he said so, but the threats.  If he did not fail, Merry would love him.  But only if he completed this task, this one task - successfully and exactly as Merry demanded.

 "I can't tell!" Pippin simpered into the tops of Frodo's feet.  "I won't ever tell!  No one must know!  I am so worthless, Frodo!  Useless and small!"

"He hurt you badly, didn't he?" pacified Frodo.

"Merry does what he must!" countered Pippin defensively.  "His responsibilities are so much bigger than ours!  Why must you confuse me with your infernal questions!"

"Pippin, what did he do?" demanded Frodo.  "What did he do?  Speak, Pippin!  Tell me!  Let me be the judge of whether you deserved it."

"I cannot!  You could never love me after knowing of my disgrace!  I brought it on myself!  But, Frodo, it hurt, it hurt so much, Frodo!" 

Frodo waited for a moment, letting Pippin cry his heart out.  When the tears had subsided, he went in for the kill. 

"So, Pippin," said Frodo in a soothing tone.  "Merry is not always merciful, is he, Pip?"

"No!"  The word tumbled from Pip's mouth before he even realized he had said it.  "I tried!  I tried so hard to obey!  To do what Merry asked without hurting you or Sam.  But I keep failing, Frodo!  Time and time again I fail!  I can't do anything right!"

"Pippin, do you know why I think you really let Merry down?" asked Frodo, his voice temperate and soothing.

"Why?" gasped Pippin.  "How can one answer that?  I did not mean to, Frodo!  I didn't!"

"You did, Pip," said Frodo not seeing Pippin's look of dismay from behind his blindfold.  "And you did because deep in your heart you know that what Merry is doing is wrong.  Merry has not completely blocked out your goodness, Pip, your kind heart.  Pippin, you deserve to be castigated, but not for disobeying Merry, but for obeying him.  But no one, not even Merry deserves what the both of us have endured at his hands."

Pippin wrapped his arms desperately around one of Frodo's bound legs. 

"Then you do not hate me, Frodo?" whimpered Pippin, "because I could not bear it if you did!"

"No, Pip.  I do not hate you," sighed Frodo.  "But I am disappointed in you.  Please make it up to me, Pippin.  Lower my blindfold awhile.  Give me a sip of water."

"I can't, Frodo.  Merry always finds out when I fail him.  He'll find out.  He'll be so upset!"

"You admit then, Pippin," said Frodo evenly, "that you are afraid of him?"

Pippin did not reply, but his soft crying supplied Frodo with the answer that his voice did not.

*   *   *

Hour Four

"Pippin," Frodo called.

"Yes Frodo?"

"Please pull down my blindfold!  It is suddenly unbearable, Pippin!  The darkness.  I need to see a stitch of light.  Please Pip!"

"Please don't ask me!" cried Pippin.  "I must do this correctly.  I must do right!"

"Doing something correctly does not always mean it's right, Pip," said Frodo sadly.  "It is not right that I am captive to my own kin but that's been done horribly correctly hasn't it?  Please, at least lower it a bit, for a moment.  I need to see you, Pip.  I cannot move a muscle and it is so dark.  I'll go mad if I cannot see something.  Just for a moment!  A little light."

"No, Frodo!"

"Please!"  Frodo's voice began to crack.

"I cannot, Frodo!"  Pippin's voice was heavy with emotion.  "I can't do anything without hurting someone!  Please--I can't--- I--"

Pippin's voice trailed off before resurfacing as a sob, his cries echoing the ones coming from the figure weeping quietly in the chair.

*   *   *

Hour Five

"Pippin!  Pippin!" cried Frodo in a dead panic.

Pippin sprang awake from the corner of the room where he had been reclining.  "Oh No! NO! I've done it!" whimpered Pippin.  "Please, Frodo!  Don't tell!  Don't tell!"

"Where are you, Pip?" called Frodo.  "I called.  You did not answer.  Where did you go?"

"I –I was here," stuttered Pippin.  "I was quiet."

"Don't leave me Pippin." moaned Frodo in a faraway voice, his breath wheezing from his constricted chest.

"I didn't, Frodo."

"It is so dark, Pippin.  Please undo the blindfold so I can see you," begged Frodo. 

"I can't!  Frodo"

Frodo sighed. 

"Pippin?"

"Yes Frodo."

"Pippin, can you please rest your head on my legs again, like you did before…just so…so I know you are here.  So I know I'm not alone."

Pippin did as he was bid, running his hands over Frodo's cold fingers in a soothing gesture of friendship, pity, and love.  The ropes around Frodo's legs scratched Pippin's back, Frodo's shins were chilled but still warmer than the floor, more welcoming than the cold wall.

*   *   *

Hour Six

Four an hour they held their silent pose, Frodo tethered immobile in his chair, Pippin leaning against him for support.  Occasionally they spoke to each other to keep from falling into dangerous slumber, aware that enough time had passed and Merry might burst in at any moment.  They spoke no more of their wretched circumstances nor of their sorrow.  Instead, they spoke of the Shire, of childhood memories, of Bilbo's books and Eglantine's pies, and the last time it snowed in Buckland.  When Merry's name came up, it came up as a memory, as a different person, as a character in a history that had long ago faded to myth.  Their silences were not uncomfortable, but a chance to listen to the rhythm of each other's breathing and convince themselves that, at least for the moment, they were safe.

*   *   *

Hour Seven

"Frodo?" whispered Pippin.

"Yes?"

"When Merry gets back I'm going to sleep like the dead."

"When Merry gets back," retorted Frodo, "I may join the dead!"

Frodo giggled, even though it wasn't a very good joke, nor even a joke at all.  And Pippin, equally inappropriately, laughed right along with him.    The room, grey and heartless, seemed to lighten with the shared laughter between friends. 

"Pippin," said Frodo after a while.

"Yes?"

"Thank you for saving my life last night," said Frodo.  "I heard you calling from the boat."

Pippin nodded his acknowledgement, forgetting that Frodo could not see a thing.

"Frodo," said Pippin.

"Yes, Pippin?"

"I love you Frodo."

"I love you too, Pippin."

*   *   *

Hour Eight

The door slammed open with a shocking thump.  Merry had purposely left it unlocked to retain the element of surprise.  And he was surprised by what he saw.  Pippin glanced up with open eyes, and Frodo's head stood erect on his shoulders.  They had made it through the day. 

Merry grinned at Pippin like a proud parent, approaching his cousin and drawing him into a standing position with his two warm hands. 

"You have done well, Pip," said Merry.  "Now off to bed with you!  I have warmed the covers for you, and left you a small supper on the bed stand.  Frodo and I have important matters to discuss."

Frodo died inside, having half a mind to plead for his softer cousin to come back and keep silent vigil over the misery that would surely follow.  But Frodo did not.  Then with a padding of feet, a meek, 'Goodnight, Frodo,' and a closing door, Frodo was once again left alone with his tormenter.

TBC

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To the Reviewers:

Iorhael!  Yes-you are the first-very appropriate for the writer that inspired this all!!  Can you believe that Nasty Hobbitsess is going on 60 chapters! WOW!  And what a tale it has become!  So glad you like my tale.  Evil!Merry wouldn't exist without you-and he loves you for it! MWHAAAAA!!!!!!!

Elizabeth-so glad to hear from you!  I hope you have time to read this chapter, as I think you will like it!  And sleep deprivation is a great way to make someone crack really fast-isn't it!

Tavion- thank you for the great suggestions!  I have just sent the new prologue off to my beta.  I do hope you'll like the flashbacks to merry, Frodo, and pip's childhood, as well as some "missing" scenes, such as Sam running off to tell pippin and merry what he's found out during the early days of the 'conspiracy."  Now I'm going to re-write the first few chapters to give these characters I now know so well additional depth!

Budgielover-so nice to see you again, and thank you so much for your vote of confidence for my improved writing skills!!!

Sue- I hope that this chapter satisfied your need to get into pippin's head!

Andyprincess-so nice to see you back!  Well, I've just written the chapter of what happens when Merry finds out that Gandalf may be on his way!

Krista-Aw! Thank you!  And I very well may post the prologue under a new story so that maybe folks who never thought of reading an R-rated story might decided to try this one (the prologue is PG)

QTPie-so glad you are enjoying the story so much!  I hope you liked this interaction between pip and Frodo, more Frodo and Sam coming soon! And I really think the prologue turned out quite good.  If you liked the other flashback scenes – I'm sure you will like it!

Chloe-I really hope you liked this one, as this and the next 3 chapters will have plenty of the psychological stuff you so enjoy!  My beta's guest chapter is coming up in the chapter after this-and it will rock your world!  It is THAT good!

Trust no on-sleep deprivation will begin to chew away at frodo's mind, but I want to make it clear that Pippin is also a victim here.  As for the flashbacks, I do hope to make it clear what types of things in Merry made him esp vulnerable to be seduced by the ring, and where his good intentions went horribly awry!

Unhobbity hobbit-no-I couldn't have Frodo asleep the entire time!  It would get rid of too fine an opportunity for angst!  I do hope you liked this pip-frodo bit-it turned out much better than I had hoped!

Aratlitiel-my lovely beta! Your chapter is the one after this one!  And I'm going to give it all the fanfare it deserves!!!

MBradford-those things are exactly the thing I hope to capture in the prologue!  If you want a sneak peek-I'll let you look over the rought draft-as long as you promise to help me make it better with your suggestions!

Ariel-thank you! Well Frodo won't break completely, but he will get close-but not to the point where he cannot be brought back (which I will do-I promise!!!) But he will not go down without a fight.  But this will be hard for poor sam who will have some agonizing decisions ahead!!!