DEBBIE DOES THE TWO TOWERS by Gypsie Rose (gypsierose3000@yahoo.com)
Chapter 16: In the Eyes of a Stranger
King Théoden strode across the ramparts of Helm's Deep, with Debbie the White on his heels. She was in the midst of her promised lecture on Women's Liberation. "Where I come from, women can do any job they want to," she informed him.
"Well, it is not so in the Riddermark," he insisted, though he got the distinct impression she wasn't listening. "We need to keep our women safe."
"I used to be the model for Lara Croft, and she can fight as well as any man. Well, okay, she's a video game character, but she's still seriously cool."
"Just because a woman can fight does not mean she should be allowed to." Théoden knew it was a weak excuse, but he didn't need this creature who had captivated most of his men already to turn the heads and hearts of most of the women, too. He had forgotten how much work it took to be king.
"That makes no sense!" Debbie stamped her foot in frustration. "You know there's a really big army coming. You need every able-bodied fighter you can get. And Éowyn's really *good* with a sword."
Théoden rolled his eyes. He'd been hearing far too many rumors about Éowyn's skills with a number of things lately, and he didn't want to think about her...talents further. But then again, he thought, raising his eyebrows slightly, if she were out here, fighting beside the men, she'd have far less time to be doing anything else with them... "Perhaps your idea bears merit, Lady Debbie. But I have already sent her to the caves."
"So? You can get her out again."
"Actually, I can't. Army to lead, and all that. I am king, you know."
"Look, *I'm* a Shieldmaiden, and you're letting *me* fight. It's hardly fair to Éowyn if you make her stay out of it."
"Oh, all right! But you'll have to go get her. I need to be seen on the battlements, and all." In actuality, Théoden had no desire to listen to all of Éowyn's "I told you so" rants when she finally got her way.
Debbie jumped up and down and clapped her hands happily. "You won't regret it, your majesty! I'll run down and tell her now." She favored Théoden with her most disarming smile, then turned and dashed toward the caves to give Éowyn the good news.
*******
"So can you have that ready for me by evening?" Debbie the Purple asked the Armorer of Helm's Deep.
"I suppose so, Lady Debbie, though it may take a few more fittings...." He held the top half of her new chain mail bikini up across his outstretched hands. "...Could you come back in an hour or so?"
Debbie smiled. "Certainly. You're a dear to take the time to make this for me--I know you must be really busy, with the battle coming up and all."
"You are...compensating me well, Lady."
Debbie waved and shut the door behind her as the armorer bent to work on the other half of the bikini. "Guess I'd better go see what the others are doing," she said to herself.
The fortress keep was a scene of barely-controlled chaos as the defenders of Rohan dashed to and fro getting things ready for the expected battle. Debbie skipped along the inner wall, waving to several warriors as they gawked at her passing.
One young man, dressed in ill-fitting armor and armed with a sword he seemed to treat as an entirely foreign object, did not wave or smile upon her approach. He didn't even notice she was there. Debbie sat down on a stone bench next to him. "Hi there."
"Hi," he answered timidly. "Do you happen to have any food?"
After fiddling around in her shoulder bag for a second, Debbie managed to find a half-eaten pack of Pep-O-Mint Life Savers. She handed it to the young man. "Here." His face lit up and he immediately popped three of them into his mouth. Debbie could not help being reminded of Merry and Pippin after a few hours without food. "What's your name?" she asked.
"Rick Cottontree," the young man responded indistinctly through his mouthful of candy as he sat down beside her.
Debbie laughed. "That sounds almost like a hobbit name."
Rick nodded. "I was raised by hobbits." Privately, Debbie thought that explained a lot. "I only discovered later that I was actually a Rohirrim. Rohir. Eorling. Whatever," he continued after swallowing the Life Savers. "And then as soon as I came back to Rohan, my village was attacked and the orcs tried to set me on fire. Several times. I want to go back to the Shire." He looked nearly ready to cry.
"Well, I'm sure you can go back as soon as this is all over." Debbie patted him on the head reassuringly. She remembered that the hobbits seemed to find that gesture comforting.
"Do you think so? I've almost given up hope."
"There is *always* hope, Rick. Have another Life Saver."
*******
Far away in Fangorn Forest, Debbie the Red sat with her back to a gnarled old tree. Its knobbly trunk seemed bent perfectly in the shape of a snug seat, as if it were wrapping its arms around her. "Wow--am I tired!" she exclaimed, languidly re-tousling her already-tousled hair.
Merry and Pippin were dozing with their heads in her lap, one head on each of her knees. Debbie looked down at them and suddenly giggled.
"What is it, Lady Debbie?" Merry asked sleepily.
"Oh, I was just thinking ... hobbits ... rabbits ... maybe the two words sound alike for a reason," she said.
A crashing of branches and a violent rustling of leaves told them that Treebeard was approaching. The two hobbits sat up, yawning and stretching, as the giant Ent strode into the clearing.
"We have decided to march to Isengard at dusk," Treebeard announced solemnly. "In the meantime, allow me to ... hoom ... entertain you."
"Oh, thanks, Treebeard, but well, I'm really tired right now..." Debbie began. "I don't know if I could handle much more entertainment, honestly."
"I have composed some poetry especially for you," Treebeard continued as if he had not heard.
Debbie and the hobbits looked at each other.
"Poetry's nice," said Pippin politely.
"Nice and...restful," Merry agreed, in a fashion.
The three of them settled back against the tree trunk once more as Treebeard cleared his throat and recited sonorously:
"I think that I shall never see
A maid as fair as Our Debbie
A maid with voice sweet as a lark
Whose pouting lips press at my bark
A maid who sashays in the glade
And sleeps so soundly in my shade
A maid who, any season, wears
Some fancy lace that's barely there,
And like a robin in his best
She weareth red upon her breast.
Upon whose bosom all have lain
In intimacy with no shame.
So round so firm, so fully packed,
Lady Debbie is truly stacked!"
Debbie giggled, tossing her chestnut hair. "Ooh, I'm flattered, Treebeard!"
"I am pleased to hear you say so, Lady Debbie. Of course, that was only the first ... hoom ... section. There are eighty-three more."
"Eighty--" Pippin began, but Merry reached across Debbie and punched him in the shoulder.
"Let's not upset the nice Ent who gave us the Entdraught now, eh Pip?"
"I think I'll just listen with my eyes closed," said Pippin as he snuggled up against Debbie once more.
*******
Debbie the Purple stood on the wall, surveying the Uruk-Hai army below. Behind her, Aragorn was giving orders to the elves, trying his best to be encouraging. Just a few steps away, Legolas also looked out on the scene, and between him and Debbie, Gimli hopped up and down impatiently, trying in vain to see over the wall.
"What's going on?" the dwarf growled.
"Shall I describe it to you, or shall I find you a box?" Legolas quipped.
"It isn't my fault I'm short," the dwarf complained.
"You're long where it matters," Debbie encouraged with a wink.
Gimli beamed with pride for a moment, then suddenly frowned. 'I'd still like someone to tell me what in Middle Earth is going on out there."
*******
"Thanks for letting me fight, Uncle Théoden!" Éowyn said excitedly as she slashed at the air experimentally with her sword.
Théoden rolled his eyes toward Debbie the White in an "I told you so" sort of manner, but Debbie ignored him. She examined her own sword somewhat dubiously. "It'll be different fighting with one of these," she mused.
"You'll be fine," said Éowyn. She suddenly swung her sword around in a wide arc. Théoden jumped out of the way, but Debbie parried smoothly. "You see?"
"I guess this whole swordplay thing wasn't that hard to learn after all," Debbie mused.
"And if I lose my sword in battle this night, I will try out your kar-ah-tay," Éowyn said with a smile.
"I do wish you'd wear some proper armor, Lady Debbie," King Théoden interjected.
"Don't worry," Debbie reassured the king, "I've battled orcs and Uruks wearing less." She didn't see why the king was so worked up. After all, the mini-dress she'd made from Éowyn's gown came nearly halfway to her knees. Besides, Debbie the Purple was wearing even less than she was.
Just then, the skies opened up, and it began to rain. Debbie saw Théoden looking at her with a combination of astonishment and embarrassment. "Drat!" she shouted. "Why does it always rain when I wear white?"
NEXT CHAPTER: Fighting the Battle of Helm's Deep, dwarf-tossing innuendo, and more!
******* ******* *******
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Okay, the character of Rick may take some explanation. You know how, in the movie, Éowyn said that Saruman's forces were "burning rick, cot, and tree"? Well, some people were wondering after that who this poor guy "Rick Cottontree" was, and why he was constantly being burned. Someone else said that sounded more like a hobbit name and so poor hapless Rick was born!
Celtic Dawn Star: So glad you're still with us and enjoying the story!
f: Thanks for the review! You can just call Debbie "Parody Sue"....
CaptainJackSparrow747: We may be the sickest fanfiction authors you've ever read. But you *have* read us!
Arahai Karasahi: Well, the story's not over yet.... Rose says, "Yay, another fan of the Men of Gondor!"
Aratlithiel1: Gypsie really likes your proposed title for the next story and says she'd be happy to be Debbie if she does the King. Rose thwaps Gypsie and says fans of the other guys have to have their fun too.
Bookworm: Hmm, good point. Oh well, if the canon characters can't keep up with Debbie, that's just the hazard of being around a self-insertion! Besides, two Debbies should be able to kill all 10,000 orcs on their own, don't you think?
Chapter 16: In the Eyes of a Stranger
King Théoden strode across the ramparts of Helm's Deep, with Debbie the White on his heels. She was in the midst of her promised lecture on Women's Liberation. "Where I come from, women can do any job they want to," she informed him.
"Well, it is not so in the Riddermark," he insisted, though he got the distinct impression she wasn't listening. "We need to keep our women safe."
"I used to be the model for Lara Croft, and she can fight as well as any man. Well, okay, she's a video game character, but she's still seriously cool."
"Just because a woman can fight does not mean she should be allowed to." Théoden knew it was a weak excuse, but he didn't need this creature who had captivated most of his men already to turn the heads and hearts of most of the women, too. He had forgotten how much work it took to be king.
"That makes no sense!" Debbie stamped her foot in frustration. "You know there's a really big army coming. You need every able-bodied fighter you can get. And Éowyn's really *good* with a sword."
Théoden rolled his eyes. He'd been hearing far too many rumors about Éowyn's skills with a number of things lately, and he didn't want to think about her...talents further. But then again, he thought, raising his eyebrows slightly, if she were out here, fighting beside the men, she'd have far less time to be doing anything else with them... "Perhaps your idea bears merit, Lady Debbie. But I have already sent her to the caves."
"So? You can get her out again."
"Actually, I can't. Army to lead, and all that. I am king, you know."
"Look, *I'm* a Shieldmaiden, and you're letting *me* fight. It's hardly fair to Éowyn if you make her stay out of it."
"Oh, all right! But you'll have to go get her. I need to be seen on the battlements, and all." In actuality, Théoden had no desire to listen to all of Éowyn's "I told you so" rants when she finally got her way.
Debbie jumped up and down and clapped her hands happily. "You won't regret it, your majesty! I'll run down and tell her now." She favored Théoden with her most disarming smile, then turned and dashed toward the caves to give Éowyn the good news.
*******
"So can you have that ready for me by evening?" Debbie the Purple asked the Armorer of Helm's Deep.
"I suppose so, Lady Debbie, though it may take a few more fittings...." He held the top half of her new chain mail bikini up across his outstretched hands. "...Could you come back in an hour or so?"
Debbie smiled. "Certainly. You're a dear to take the time to make this for me--I know you must be really busy, with the battle coming up and all."
"You are...compensating me well, Lady."
Debbie waved and shut the door behind her as the armorer bent to work on the other half of the bikini. "Guess I'd better go see what the others are doing," she said to herself.
The fortress keep was a scene of barely-controlled chaos as the defenders of Rohan dashed to and fro getting things ready for the expected battle. Debbie skipped along the inner wall, waving to several warriors as they gawked at her passing.
One young man, dressed in ill-fitting armor and armed with a sword he seemed to treat as an entirely foreign object, did not wave or smile upon her approach. He didn't even notice she was there. Debbie sat down on a stone bench next to him. "Hi there."
"Hi," he answered timidly. "Do you happen to have any food?"
After fiddling around in her shoulder bag for a second, Debbie managed to find a half-eaten pack of Pep-O-Mint Life Savers. She handed it to the young man. "Here." His face lit up and he immediately popped three of them into his mouth. Debbie could not help being reminded of Merry and Pippin after a few hours without food. "What's your name?" she asked.
"Rick Cottontree," the young man responded indistinctly through his mouthful of candy as he sat down beside her.
Debbie laughed. "That sounds almost like a hobbit name."
Rick nodded. "I was raised by hobbits." Privately, Debbie thought that explained a lot. "I only discovered later that I was actually a Rohirrim. Rohir. Eorling. Whatever," he continued after swallowing the Life Savers. "And then as soon as I came back to Rohan, my village was attacked and the orcs tried to set me on fire. Several times. I want to go back to the Shire." He looked nearly ready to cry.
"Well, I'm sure you can go back as soon as this is all over." Debbie patted him on the head reassuringly. She remembered that the hobbits seemed to find that gesture comforting.
"Do you think so? I've almost given up hope."
"There is *always* hope, Rick. Have another Life Saver."
*******
Far away in Fangorn Forest, Debbie the Red sat with her back to a gnarled old tree. Its knobbly trunk seemed bent perfectly in the shape of a snug seat, as if it were wrapping its arms around her. "Wow--am I tired!" she exclaimed, languidly re-tousling her already-tousled hair.
Merry and Pippin were dozing with their heads in her lap, one head on each of her knees. Debbie looked down at them and suddenly giggled.
"What is it, Lady Debbie?" Merry asked sleepily.
"Oh, I was just thinking ... hobbits ... rabbits ... maybe the two words sound alike for a reason," she said.
A crashing of branches and a violent rustling of leaves told them that Treebeard was approaching. The two hobbits sat up, yawning and stretching, as the giant Ent strode into the clearing.
"We have decided to march to Isengard at dusk," Treebeard announced solemnly. "In the meantime, allow me to ... hoom ... entertain you."
"Oh, thanks, Treebeard, but well, I'm really tired right now..." Debbie began. "I don't know if I could handle much more entertainment, honestly."
"I have composed some poetry especially for you," Treebeard continued as if he had not heard.
Debbie and the hobbits looked at each other.
"Poetry's nice," said Pippin politely.
"Nice and...restful," Merry agreed, in a fashion.
The three of them settled back against the tree trunk once more as Treebeard cleared his throat and recited sonorously:
"I think that I shall never see
A maid as fair as Our Debbie
A maid with voice sweet as a lark
Whose pouting lips press at my bark
A maid who sashays in the glade
And sleeps so soundly in my shade
A maid who, any season, wears
Some fancy lace that's barely there,
And like a robin in his best
She weareth red upon her breast.
Upon whose bosom all have lain
In intimacy with no shame.
So round so firm, so fully packed,
Lady Debbie is truly stacked!"
Debbie giggled, tossing her chestnut hair. "Ooh, I'm flattered, Treebeard!"
"I am pleased to hear you say so, Lady Debbie. Of course, that was only the first ... hoom ... section. There are eighty-three more."
"Eighty--" Pippin began, but Merry reached across Debbie and punched him in the shoulder.
"Let's not upset the nice Ent who gave us the Entdraught now, eh Pip?"
"I think I'll just listen with my eyes closed," said Pippin as he snuggled up against Debbie once more.
*******
Debbie the Purple stood on the wall, surveying the Uruk-Hai army below. Behind her, Aragorn was giving orders to the elves, trying his best to be encouraging. Just a few steps away, Legolas also looked out on the scene, and between him and Debbie, Gimli hopped up and down impatiently, trying in vain to see over the wall.
"What's going on?" the dwarf growled.
"Shall I describe it to you, or shall I find you a box?" Legolas quipped.
"It isn't my fault I'm short," the dwarf complained.
"You're long where it matters," Debbie encouraged with a wink.
Gimli beamed with pride for a moment, then suddenly frowned. 'I'd still like someone to tell me what in Middle Earth is going on out there."
*******
"Thanks for letting me fight, Uncle Théoden!" Éowyn said excitedly as she slashed at the air experimentally with her sword.
Théoden rolled his eyes toward Debbie the White in an "I told you so" sort of manner, but Debbie ignored him. She examined her own sword somewhat dubiously. "It'll be different fighting with one of these," she mused.
"You'll be fine," said Éowyn. She suddenly swung her sword around in a wide arc. Théoden jumped out of the way, but Debbie parried smoothly. "You see?"
"I guess this whole swordplay thing wasn't that hard to learn after all," Debbie mused.
"And if I lose my sword in battle this night, I will try out your kar-ah-tay," Éowyn said with a smile.
"I do wish you'd wear some proper armor, Lady Debbie," King Théoden interjected.
"Don't worry," Debbie reassured the king, "I've battled orcs and Uruks wearing less." She didn't see why the king was so worked up. After all, the mini-dress she'd made from Éowyn's gown came nearly halfway to her knees. Besides, Debbie the Purple was wearing even less than she was.
Just then, the skies opened up, and it began to rain. Debbie saw Théoden looking at her with a combination of astonishment and embarrassment. "Drat!" she shouted. "Why does it always rain when I wear white?"
NEXT CHAPTER: Fighting the Battle of Helm's Deep, dwarf-tossing innuendo, and more!
******* ******* *******
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Okay, the character of Rick may take some explanation. You know how, in the movie, Éowyn said that Saruman's forces were "burning rick, cot, and tree"? Well, some people were wondering after that who this poor guy "Rick Cottontree" was, and why he was constantly being burned. Someone else said that sounded more like a hobbit name and so poor hapless Rick was born!
Celtic Dawn Star: So glad you're still with us and enjoying the story!
f: Thanks for the review! You can just call Debbie "Parody Sue"....
CaptainJackSparrow747: We may be the sickest fanfiction authors you've ever read. But you *have* read us!
Arahai Karasahi: Well, the story's not over yet.... Rose says, "Yay, another fan of the Men of Gondor!"
Aratlithiel1: Gypsie really likes your proposed title for the next story and says she'd be happy to be Debbie if she does the King. Rose thwaps Gypsie and says fans of the other guys have to have their fun too.
Bookworm: Hmm, good point. Oh well, if the canon characters can't keep up with Debbie, that's just the hazard of being around a self-insertion! Besides, two Debbies should be able to kill all 10,000 orcs on their own, don't you think?