Forest
Why can't you see that you are my child? Why don't you know you are my mind?
System of a Down, Forest.
They were escorted to Esthar's Presidential Palace by a couple of guards in their grey insectile armour. Esthar seemed to have repaired itself pretty well since the Lunar Cry. Squall walked along the translucent blue walkways with a dispassionate air. He didn't really want to be here but then what choice did he have? Laguna wouldn't let it rest.
To his side and slightly behind, Quistis strolled with him. Strange that he had come to depend on her for support but then she had seen a side of him few others had. Besides, after what he had done to her he owed her this. He wanted to give her something she wanted, to know the real him.
'And what a way to find out.' He thought to himself. 'By watching me confront the absent father I've only just found out about. The father I actually was in the mind of thanks to Ellone.'
'What are you thinking about?' Quistis asked as they got on the teleporter into the Palace.
'Who says I'm thinking anything?' Squall replied not wanting to admit it.
'Your eyes do. They become intensely focused when you're deep in thought.' She replied softly, making Squall's eyebrow twitch in surprise that anyone could notice something so small about a person.
But then he knew how deeply Quistis cared for him, how she had studied him as his Instructor, trying to get him to open up and never giving up as he stubbornly refused.
He breathed deeply as the guards led them through a set of ornate double doors into a cosy study leaving them to stand on the deep burgundy carpet, taking in photographs of Laguna at various locations in the world while a mahogany desk was piled with papers and books.
There was also an antique billiards table set in one corner of the room which struck Squall as odd since he didn't think Laguna was the type, but then what did he know about his estranged father.
A huge window dominated the far wall looking out onto the city. There was a creak and Laguna entered alone through a side door wearing a pale blue shirt and grey trousers, similar to what he was wearing last time they saw him.
Laguna was puzzled by Quistis' presence but walked over to his desk motioning them to sit.
'I hoped we could talk alone Squall.' He said reproachfully.
Squall turned to Quistis who gave him an It's-up-to you look.
'I'd like her to stay if you don't mind.' He replied icily sitting in one of the comfy chairs putting as much space between himself and Laguna.
Quistis pulled up a chair by him, close enough to show she was there to support him but not close enough to give Laguna the wrong impression.
Laguna coughed nervously trying not to grimace as his leg cramped painfully under the desk. They sat awkwardly for a few moments until Squall broke the silence.
'Well talk! Some of us have jobs to do.' He snapped irritably.
Laguna was taken aback and almost whining said 'Hey, give me a chance! This isn't easy.'
'But abandoning me was.' Squall muttered.
Quistis sat back wide-eyed, she had never seen Squall this angry other than the time they heard of Seifer's supposed execution in Galbadia Garden.
Laguna's face flinched, stung by Squall's words. 'That was uncalled for.' He said sternly.
'Really? For nearly eighteen years you never once let me know u existed, never came to me to tell me where I came from. I had to find out through Sis!' Squall retorted furiously.
Laguna sank back defeated 'I know, I know. I could've taken you with me the time I called at the orphanage for Ellone.' He said softly.
'So you really did know about me way back then.' Squall asked his voice coming out a snarl whilst Quistis placed a gentle restraining hand on his arm.
'Yeah I knew. When I went back to Winhill and found that Raine had died I was heartbroken. The villagers blamed me saying my child had killed her. That ever since I washed up there I was nothing but trouble for Raine. The shock was too much, I'd lost my wife, Ellone who I sent back to Raine had been taken to an orphanage somewhere as was my infant son.' Laguna explained, tears forming in his eyes.
'I was six when Ellone went away. Took you a while to come find us didn't it?' Squall said, sarcasm dripping from every word.
Laguna gave Quistis a pained look, which she replied with a slight shake of her head.
Laguna groaned and continued 'Well the people of Winhill wouldn't tell me anything about where you'd gone, seeing it as a way of punishing me for Raine's death as if that wasn't enough in itself. I still had responsibilities in Esthar but I devoted every spare moment I had looking for you. I finally found Cid and Edea Kramer's orphanage for children orphaned during the Sorceress War. I was told about Ellone, how she would be safe and then I saw you through the window. I recognised you instantly, you had Raine's eyes and you were alone in the shadows with a fierce expression of self-reliance. I wanted so much to go in and see you but Edea held me back.'
Squall listened letting the words sink in. 'Why would she hold you back? Matron wouldn't have stopped us going back to our families if they came for us.' He said in disbelief.
'She said I may scare you and that you'd probably deny after what Ellone's departure did to you. I said I still wanted to try and talk to you, let you know I cared, had a home for you.' Laguna explained, sighing softly and closing his eyes before continuing.
'It was then she told me the truth, forced me to see why I couldn't take you home.'
'What truth?' Squall blurted, half convinced Laguna was lying, trying to make excuses.
'By then you'd already come back from the future. Don't you remember? Edea took Ultimecia's powers whilst the you now was there. Your younger self had seen you and Edea knew what happened. I couldn't take you Squall, you had to become a SeeD, had to suffer the pain so you'd be able to defeat Ultimecia when the time came. I thought Edea was making it up, had been turned against me by the people of Winhill but in the end I could see she was being truthful.' Laguna paused in the middle of reliving the memory.
'After getting rid of Adel I couldn't let a much worse, more powerful sorceress survive. I chose to let the world survive rather than take you home and be happy. If you didn't become the man you have Ultimecia would've killed us all. I let you go so that you'd be able to live. I made the choice, one you may feel is wrong but I can't and won't apologise for it.' He finished emphatically.
Squall sat there stoically, not a single muscle moving to indicate his feelings whilst Quistis tried to hold back the tears, affected by Laguna's emotional tale.
'So why now? Don't you think it's a bit late? I'm too old for this.' Squally said finally, softly in a neutral tone of voice.
'I'm still your father, you'll never be too old for me to still care about you.' Laguna replied.
'I need to get used to this, don't you understand how much I hate you for this pain? Squall said looking Laguna in his pale blue eyes.
'I know.' Laguna whispered adding.
'I just want you to know I'm here when you need me. We haven't even spoke about Rinoa and that's why I asked you here.'
'It was six months ago, there's nothing to say.' Squall said defensively.
'Fine I understand that you feel there's nothing you can say to me but I know how much you loved her. I can understand the pain and loss.' Laguna replied leaning forward.
'You wasn't there to see it happen with Raine though.' Squall said unthinkingly, unnerved by this common ground they shared.
'Do you think that makes it easier to cope?' Laguna snapped losing his temper for the first time. 'When you lose someone you love deeply it tears your heart out regardless if you watch it happen or not.'
Squall sat there mutely, surprised by the older man's outburst. 'Well we all deal with it in our own ways. That's my choice. So if you'll excuse me.' Squall said with forced politeness and stood up stalking out the room.
Laguna gave Quistis an imploring look.
'You'll have to give him time. It's a lot for him to deal with right now.' Quistis replied encouragingly and chased after Squall.
Squall paced rapidly out of the Palace heading to the Ragnarok in a world of his own.
'Squall!' Quistis called out to him catching up.
'So how do you feel?' she asked softly.
'Torn up. I can't stand how he can act like he knows me.' Squall replied. 'Let's just go home.' He said to Quistis still unable to reach out for comfort from her.
However when he got home he was in for a shock. His arrival at Garden was welcomed with blood-spattered walls, the aftermath of a massacre and a group of anxious SeeDs with Seifer at the front looking extremely worried.
Why can't you see that you are my child? Why don't you know you are my mind?
System of a Down, Forest.
They were escorted to Esthar's Presidential Palace by a couple of guards in their grey insectile armour. Esthar seemed to have repaired itself pretty well since the Lunar Cry. Squall walked along the translucent blue walkways with a dispassionate air. He didn't really want to be here but then what choice did he have? Laguna wouldn't let it rest.
To his side and slightly behind, Quistis strolled with him. Strange that he had come to depend on her for support but then she had seen a side of him few others had. Besides, after what he had done to her he owed her this. He wanted to give her something she wanted, to know the real him.
'And what a way to find out.' He thought to himself. 'By watching me confront the absent father I've only just found out about. The father I actually was in the mind of thanks to Ellone.'
'What are you thinking about?' Quistis asked as they got on the teleporter into the Palace.
'Who says I'm thinking anything?' Squall replied not wanting to admit it.
'Your eyes do. They become intensely focused when you're deep in thought.' She replied softly, making Squall's eyebrow twitch in surprise that anyone could notice something so small about a person.
But then he knew how deeply Quistis cared for him, how she had studied him as his Instructor, trying to get him to open up and never giving up as he stubbornly refused.
He breathed deeply as the guards led them through a set of ornate double doors into a cosy study leaving them to stand on the deep burgundy carpet, taking in photographs of Laguna at various locations in the world while a mahogany desk was piled with papers and books.
There was also an antique billiards table set in one corner of the room which struck Squall as odd since he didn't think Laguna was the type, but then what did he know about his estranged father.
A huge window dominated the far wall looking out onto the city. There was a creak and Laguna entered alone through a side door wearing a pale blue shirt and grey trousers, similar to what he was wearing last time they saw him.
Laguna was puzzled by Quistis' presence but walked over to his desk motioning them to sit.
'I hoped we could talk alone Squall.' He said reproachfully.
Squall turned to Quistis who gave him an It's-up-to you look.
'I'd like her to stay if you don't mind.' He replied icily sitting in one of the comfy chairs putting as much space between himself and Laguna.
Quistis pulled up a chair by him, close enough to show she was there to support him but not close enough to give Laguna the wrong impression.
Laguna coughed nervously trying not to grimace as his leg cramped painfully under the desk. They sat awkwardly for a few moments until Squall broke the silence.
'Well talk! Some of us have jobs to do.' He snapped irritably.
Laguna was taken aback and almost whining said 'Hey, give me a chance! This isn't easy.'
'But abandoning me was.' Squall muttered.
Quistis sat back wide-eyed, she had never seen Squall this angry other than the time they heard of Seifer's supposed execution in Galbadia Garden.
Laguna's face flinched, stung by Squall's words. 'That was uncalled for.' He said sternly.
'Really? For nearly eighteen years you never once let me know u existed, never came to me to tell me where I came from. I had to find out through Sis!' Squall retorted furiously.
Laguna sank back defeated 'I know, I know. I could've taken you with me the time I called at the orphanage for Ellone.' He said softly.
'So you really did know about me way back then.' Squall asked his voice coming out a snarl whilst Quistis placed a gentle restraining hand on his arm.
'Yeah I knew. When I went back to Winhill and found that Raine had died I was heartbroken. The villagers blamed me saying my child had killed her. That ever since I washed up there I was nothing but trouble for Raine. The shock was too much, I'd lost my wife, Ellone who I sent back to Raine had been taken to an orphanage somewhere as was my infant son.' Laguna explained, tears forming in his eyes.
'I was six when Ellone went away. Took you a while to come find us didn't it?' Squall said, sarcasm dripping from every word.
Laguna gave Quistis a pained look, which she replied with a slight shake of her head.
Laguna groaned and continued 'Well the people of Winhill wouldn't tell me anything about where you'd gone, seeing it as a way of punishing me for Raine's death as if that wasn't enough in itself. I still had responsibilities in Esthar but I devoted every spare moment I had looking for you. I finally found Cid and Edea Kramer's orphanage for children orphaned during the Sorceress War. I was told about Ellone, how she would be safe and then I saw you through the window. I recognised you instantly, you had Raine's eyes and you were alone in the shadows with a fierce expression of self-reliance. I wanted so much to go in and see you but Edea held me back.'
Squall listened letting the words sink in. 'Why would she hold you back? Matron wouldn't have stopped us going back to our families if they came for us.' He said in disbelief.
'She said I may scare you and that you'd probably deny after what Ellone's departure did to you. I said I still wanted to try and talk to you, let you know I cared, had a home for you.' Laguna explained, sighing softly and closing his eyes before continuing.
'It was then she told me the truth, forced me to see why I couldn't take you home.'
'What truth?' Squall blurted, half convinced Laguna was lying, trying to make excuses.
'By then you'd already come back from the future. Don't you remember? Edea took Ultimecia's powers whilst the you now was there. Your younger self had seen you and Edea knew what happened. I couldn't take you Squall, you had to become a SeeD, had to suffer the pain so you'd be able to defeat Ultimecia when the time came. I thought Edea was making it up, had been turned against me by the people of Winhill but in the end I could see she was being truthful.' Laguna paused in the middle of reliving the memory.
'After getting rid of Adel I couldn't let a much worse, more powerful sorceress survive. I chose to let the world survive rather than take you home and be happy. If you didn't become the man you have Ultimecia would've killed us all. I let you go so that you'd be able to live. I made the choice, one you may feel is wrong but I can't and won't apologise for it.' He finished emphatically.
Squall sat there stoically, not a single muscle moving to indicate his feelings whilst Quistis tried to hold back the tears, affected by Laguna's emotional tale.
'So why now? Don't you think it's a bit late? I'm too old for this.' Squally said finally, softly in a neutral tone of voice.
'I'm still your father, you'll never be too old for me to still care about you.' Laguna replied.
'I need to get used to this, don't you understand how much I hate you for this pain? Squall said looking Laguna in his pale blue eyes.
'I know.' Laguna whispered adding.
'I just want you to know I'm here when you need me. We haven't even spoke about Rinoa and that's why I asked you here.'
'It was six months ago, there's nothing to say.' Squall said defensively.
'Fine I understand that you feel there's nothing you can say to me but I know how much you loved her. I can understand the pain and loss.' Laguna replied leaning forward.
'You wasn't there to see it happen with Raine though.' Squall said unthinkingly, unnerved by this common ground they shared.
'Do you think that makes it easier to cope?' Laguna snapped losing his temper for the first time. 'When you lose someone you love deeply it tears your heart out regardless if you watch it happen or not.'
Squall sat there mutely, surprised by the older man's outburst. 'Well we all deal with it in our own ways. That's my choice. So if you'll excuse me.' Squall said with forced politeness and stood up stalking out the room.
Laguna gave Quistis an imploring look.
'You'll have to give him time. It's a lot for him to deal with right now.' Quistis replied encouragingly and chased after Squall.
Squall paced rapidly out of the Palace heading to the Ragnarok in a world of his own.
'Squall!' Quistis called out to him catching up.
'So how do you feel?' she asked softly.
'Torn up. I can't stand how he can act like he knows me.' Squall replied. 'Let's just go home.' He said to Quistis still unable to reach out for comfort from her.
However when he got home he was in for a shock. His arrival at Garden was welcomed with blood-spattered walls, the aftermath of a massacre and a group of anxious SeeDs with Seifer at the front looking extremely worried.