Title: That Look Part 2
Author: Tears of a Phoenix
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, just playing
Spoilers: Objects in Space,
Rating: PG
Summary: Mal starts to let go of his past dreams and moves forward.
Author Notes: And much thanks to maxzhot for the beta.
I can feel Zoe tense next to me at the dinner table. My body reacts immediately, wanting to search out the threat. Then my mind catches up and I relax, only a bit. I know what Zoe's upset about without having to look up from my dinner plate. Only one person gets Zoe to make that little noise of fear and worry that she has, the one that between a silent sigh and a moan. Inara. More specifically, Inara looking at me with that look in her eyes.
I want to look up see her looking at me like that, but then Zoe'd be mad and worried. Cause she knows that I probably wouldn't be able to let it stop there. And she'd be right. It's been a long time, and I could love her. Least that's what I tell myself. I can't stop hearing Zoe's voice in my head, telling me that it just wouldn't work. She told me so just last night in the cockpit when we both couldn't go back to sleep 'cause of the memories. Can't remember a time when Zoe told me to stay away from a woman, well, besides Saffron.
It's not cause she feels threatened. Hell, Inara seems to understand me and Zoe's bond. Plus Zoe knows that I'd never be able to leave her, might as well leave my right arm behind. She could leave me though. Wash is healing her, making the memories not so strong, not so powerful. Someday, she might not need me anymore. I don't know if I'll survive that day. Zoe is the only one that knows, the only one that understands me, both me's.
Inara would have loved me before the war, before Serenity Valley. Not likely our paths would have crossed, but then I would have been everything she wants me to be. I would have been the idealistic man who could take care of her, protect her without suffocating her. I'd let her work, let her play, let her be a real woman, let her be a mother. But now, now, I can't give her that. I can't go back to that man, that boy who believed in happy endings. Who could control the darkness inside him, never worrying about it becoming too strong, cause it's not like he knew there are shades of black, shades of darkness.
And children, hell, I got me a ship full of them, 'cept for Zoe and the Preacher. Don't need no more, at least not till I get those nightmares under control. Then maybe, if I trust her enough to protect them if I ain't there; I'd think about it.
Plus, I know that Inara don't want to be out in the black all her life. She enjoys being on a planet too much to be happy living on Serenity forever. Me, can't see it. Can't see anywhere being good enough to land for longer than a few days. The black, this ship is my home, my future. I'm close to making that decision Zoe's been wanting, been waiting for. She trusts me to make it, to make her feel safe again. Don't know why she trusts me like that. Her gorram husband don't either. Course not much Walsh gets.
She knows that once I make this decision, I won't go back on it. Ain't built that way. It's just harder than I thought to give up on him, to give up that I'll ever be him again. But can't be, won't be unless you take away Serenity Valley and Zoe. Hell, when I think about it like that, ain't no way I could be with Inara. That boy who'd love Inara the way she should be, she wants to be just don't exist anymore.
I look at her, see the way the lights catch her hair, falls against her face. Can't stop the sigh that leaves me. It's time to let go of that boy. He ain't coming back. To be honest, don't think I really want him to. I rather like life the way it is now.
The laughter from the end of the table breaks my concentration. First thing that catches my eyes is her sparkling eyes full of laughter, life; so different from the girl screaming and crawling out of that box. If I'm honest with myself, her body's been in my dreams just as much as Inara's. Can't say that I'm comfortable with all that she is, but don't mean I won't be. Don't mean that I don't want to kill those bastards who hurt her, made her this way. Always have, since I realized that Kaylee was gonna be okay, when I started thinking again. No child should be treated like that. But she ain't a child anymore. Doc don't seem to realize that. River's seen too much, knows too much to ever be a child again. . Kaylee called her beautiful that day, but she ain't, she more than beautiful. She's...
Aw, shit. See this is why I don't get all intro...whatever it's called. I figure things out that I ain't really ready to yet. Gorram it, she caught me, she knows what the hell I'm thinking! But her eyes, I can see her brain working in 'em. She don't just know, she understands. She wants it, just like me. Not now, but soon.
I can feel Zoe looking at me and her. Know that she'll figure it out. But when I hear her low laughter, my insides get all uncomfortable. I look at her and feel better. She ain't laughing at me and River or at the idea of us. She's thinking about later. We talk without using words and understand just like always. Life's good. Let go of the past and found my future. And Zoe approves.
Author: Tears of a Phoenix
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, just playing
Spoilers: Objects in Space,
Rating: PG
Summary: Mal starts to let go of his past dreams and moves forward.
Author Notes: And much thanks to maxzhot for the beta.
I can feel Zoe tense next to me at the dinner table. My body reacts immediately, wanting to search out the threat. Then my mind catches up and I relax, only a bit. I know what Zoe's upset about without having to look up from my dinner plate. Only one person gets Zoe to make that little noise of fear and worry that she has, the one that between a silent sigh and a moan. Inara. More specifically, Inara looking at me with that look in her eyes.
I want to look up see her looking at me like that, but then Zoe'd be mad and worried. Cause she knows that I probably wouldn't be able to let it stop there. And she'd be right. It's been a long time, and I could love her. Least that's what I tell myself. I can't stop hearing Zoe's voice in my head, telling me that it just wouldn't work. She told me so just last night in the cockpit when we both couldn't go back to sleep 'cause of the memories. Can't remember a time when Zoe told me to stay away from a woman, well, besides Saffron.
It's not cause she feels threatened. Hell, Inara seems to understand me and Zoe's bond. Plus Zoe knows that I'd never be able to leave her, might as well leave my right arm behind. She could leave me though. Wash is healing her, making the memories not so strong, not so powerful. Someday, she might not need me anymore. I don't know if I'll survive that day. Zoe is the only one that knows, the only one that understands me, both me's.
Inara would have loved me before the war, before Serenity Valley. Not likely our paths would have crossed, but then I would have been everything she wants me to be. I would have been the idealistic man who could take care of her, protect her without suffocating her. I'd let her work, let her play, let her be a real woman, let her be a mother. But now, now, I can't give her that. I can't go back to that man, that boy who believed in happy endings. Who could control the darkness inside him, never worrying about it becoming too strong, cause it's not like he knew there are shades of black, shades of darkness.
And children, hell, I got me a ship full of them, 'cept for Zoe and the Preacher. Don't need no more, at least not till I get those nightmares under control. Then maybe, if I trust her enough to protect them if I ain't there; I'd think about it.
Plus, I know that Inara don't want to be out in the black all her life. She enjoys being on a planet too much to be happy living on Serenity forever. Me, can't see it. Can't see anywhere being good enough to land for longer than a few days. The black, this ship is my home, my future. I'm close to making that decision Zoe's been wanting, been waiting for. She trusts me to make it, to make her feel safe again. Don't know why she trusts me like that. Her gorram husband don't either. Course not much Walsh gets.
She knows that once I make this decision, I won't go back on it. Ain't built that way. It's just harder than I thought to give up on him, to give up that I'll ever be him again. But can't be, won't be unless you take away Serenity Valley and Zoe. Hell, when I think about it like that, ain't no way I could be with Inara. That boy who'd love Inara the way she should be, she wants to be just don't exist anymore.
I look at her, see the way the lights catch her hair, falls against her face. Can't stop the sigh that leaves me. It's time to let go of that boy. He ain't coming back. To be honest, don't think I really want him to. I rather like life the way it is now.
The laughter from the end of the table breaks my concentration. First thing that catches my eyes is her sparkling eyes full of laughter, life; so different from the girl screaming and crawling out of that box. If I'm honest with myself, her body's been in my dreams just as much as Inara's. Can't say that I'm comfortable with all that she is, but don't mean I won't be. Don't mean that I don't want to kill those bastards who hurt her, made her this way. Always have, since I realized that Kaylee was gonna be okay, when I started thinking again. No child should be treated like that. But she ain't a child anymore. Doc don't seem to realize that. River's seen too much, knows too much to ever be a child again. . Kaylee called her beautiful that day, but she ain't, she more than beautiful. She's...
Aw, shit. See this is why I don't get all intro...whatever it's called. I figure things out that I ain't really ready to yet. Gorram it, she caught me, she knows what the hell I'm thinking! But her eyes, I can see her brain working in 'em. She don't just know, she understands. She wants it, just like me. Not now, but soon.
I can feel Zoe looking at me and her. Know that she'll figure it out. But when I hear her low laughter, my insides get all uncomfortable. I look at her and feel better. She ain't laughing at me and River or at the idea of us. She's thinking about later. We talk without using words and understand just like always. Life's good. Let go of the past and found my future. And Zoe approves.