Catharsis

reality
.:chapter nine:.

The day after giving him the diary was filled with a gravid silence that made Kaoru's stomach clench uncomfortably. It didn't help that he barely moved hours after giving him the book. Still shirtless from his bath and hair a wild mess, Enishi sat and read. His eyes moved over each page slowly and meticulously as he mulled each and every word.

Kaoru knew from Kenshin that the diary spanned several years. It detailed the days following the death of her mother when Enishi was still very young before going silent for nearly four years. It picked up again when Tomoe's father first suggested that she was nearly old enough to get married and she used it to express her uncertainties about being in an arranged marriage. After that, she began to journal almost every other day. She detailed her frustrations and joys, her worries for Enishi and hope for his future, her apprehension about her father choosing Kyosato Akira to become her husband, and then her blossoming love for him. When Akira was killed, the diary was her outlet for her grief and anger over his death and her frustration over the war that took his life. Then it spoke of her first meeting with Battousai, and Kenshin had spoken very little of what she had to say about him and their early relationship.

The last entry, Kaoru was told, had been written the day before Tomoe had died — the day she had decided that she wanted to be Himura Tomoe and the day she realized how much she loved him. The diary was thick and heavy with memories, most of them she understood to be painful, but Kaoru held on to the hope that it would eventually bring Enishi some peace. Though she wondered if it was the kind of peace that he was ready to accept.

As the sun dipped down below the horizon, Kaoru retired to her room and noted that the light was still on in Enishi's bedroom. She doubted he would get much sleep that night. When she checked on him early the next morning he was still in the same chair, still shirtless, still reading.

Respecting his privacy, she did her best not to disturb him the rest of the day. Short, gentle sentences alerted Enishi to a waiting meal. If he heard her, he gave no indication. Just as quietly as she entered, Kaoru left. Hours later, she would relent to concern and check on him. Each meal sat cold and barely touched as Enishi obsessed only a few feet away. Not knowing what else to do, she retired for the night and the day ended just as it began.

On the morning of the second day, her persistent nature asserted itself and Kaoru decided to insist that he eat. His unwavering focus on the journal made her tense with worry and the more consumed he became, the more concerned she was about what his reaction would be when he finished. Enishi was a spiritually wounded man who found the strength to live through his desire for revenge. If that desire was suddenly removed, his purpose would be lost. At that point, he would have nothing.

Courage set and determination raising her chin, Kaoru twisted the door knob to his room. Balancing a food laden tray against her hip, Kaoru stepped inside. Ease filled her as she took in the sight of him. Exhaustion finally won at some point during the night. Book opened to the median, Enishi slept in his chair with his head pillowed in his arms against the table.

Relief pulled up the corners of her lips. She considered leaving him to rest. Sleep would help settle his emotions and clear his mind. Plus, it would give his body a chance to heal.

'But he hasn't really eaten in almost two days,' Kaoru bit her lip, 'maybe longer...'

Convinced that he needed sustenance as much as sleep, Kaoru approached him. Only when she carefully placed the tray on the table did he stir. A pair of bloodshot eyes blinked open and met hers. Kaoru saw his bleary confusion and gave a light-hearted smile.

"Good morning," she said, uncovering a steaming bowl of rice and miso. Enishi pushed himself up into a more upright position as he watched her. The meal arranged and ready for consumption, Kaoru took a seat across from him. "Go on, eat up," she motioned toward his breakfast, "I can't start until you do."

He blinked groggily and stared at the food sitting in front of himself and Kaoru. Seconds marched by as she waited.

"You've never eaten with me before," he said at last.

"I know," tense lips twitched up, "I thought you could use the company."

Seeing his expression begin to soften, her lips parted into a smile. Expectant blue eyes held his and Kaoru felt the weight of his weariness. Emotional exhaustion radiated from him in heavy waves. Only halfway through the book and it was already taking a toll on him.

'How will you react when you're finished with the journal, Enishi?'

Hiding her worry, Kaoru filled his cup of tea. "Humor me," she said, tilting her head toward the food. "Please?"

Enishi stared blankly and Kaoru's smile faltered. Then, to her relief, he pulled the food toward him. Kaoru uncovered her bowl of rice as Enishi chewed methodically. Caught up in his thoughts, his eyes pierced the cover of the diary as an unreadable expression clouded his features. Kaoru used the opportunity to study the exposed scratches and bruises as well as the bandages around his chest. Many of his bruises were already turning yellow. The deeper ones maintained their dark purple hue, especially the one on his cheekbone. The gauze around his chest wasn't doing him much good. The bandages hung too loosely around his frame and needed to be changed.

She waited until he was nearly done eating before questioning him. "How does your chest feel?" she asked.

He said nothing for several seconds, still staring at the journal as he finished the last of his breakfast.

"Enishi?"

His eyes rose to meet hers.

"How does your chest feel?" she asked again.

"Fine."

"There's no pain?"

Enishi eyed her, a wary expression filtering across his features.

"That bullet wound probably needs to be cleaned," she said gently, ignoring the odd look he directed toward her. "And your bandages should be changed." She paused and his silence continued. His staring was starting to make her uncomfortable. Eyes steady, she completed her offer. "I can tie a good bandage. I'll help you with that after breakfast if you want. And then, maybe, you can nap for a bit?"

A strange, questioning look filled his eyes as he gazed at her. Kaoru blinked, and it was gone. In its place was a very familiar air of indifference tinged with a bit of anger. Undeterred, Kaoru knew what she saw. Something about her was bothering him. She could feel it.

"Enishi? Is there some—"

"Why are you here?" he asked bluntly, cutting her off.

"I... what—"

"I don't need your kindness," he said, glaring at her.

Stunned, Kaoru twitched.

"You should leave."

Ire tingled along her spine. Where had this venom come from? Why was he mad at her? "Wh- what?" she asked, confused. Enishi said nothing but she clearly felt his animosity toward her. "Why are you— What...?"

"Leave!" he roared as he bolted to his feet causing his chair to topple onto the floor in a loud clatter.

Kaoru stared at him mutely, uncertain how to react to his demand. Why was he angry at her? His shoulders tense and eyes wide, she mumbled a quiet, "Alright," as she began to gather the dishes. She did her best to ignore the sense of rejection that stung at her heart as he stood over her, glaring at the top of her head. Tray filled with dirty dishes, she looked up at him and felt the urge to say something, to snap back at him, to defend her attempt at kindness, but as she peered at him the desire to do so quickly evaporated. Kaoru knew instinctively that whatever it was that sparked his rage would not be quelled by an angry retort. Leaving the pot of hot tea on the table, she took the tray with the dirty dishes and left the room without a word.

• • •

She didn't attempt to enter her room at lunchtime. Instead, she made him some food and left it just outside his room. She knocked once on the door, announced that the food was there if he wanted it, and left. She was surprised to see that he actually took some of it (the tea and the rice), but his self-imposed exile continued.

Kaoru had to admit that the longer and more intently that Enishi poured over the diary, the more apprehensive she felt. Doubts began to surface in her mind over her decision to stay and she wondered just how safe she would be once he finished reading. She still didn't quite believe that he would hurt her, at least not intentionally, but that was thing to worry about. He wouldn't hurt her intentionally... but in a blind rage or consumed by grief, he might. He had, after all, attempted to strangle her when she tried to escape, but he came to his senses just before doing any real harm.

She would be a fool to think that something similar couldn't happen again and she would need to be ready. Enishi would finish the diary soon, probably sometime tomorrow, and she needed to be on-guard for whatever reaction was in store for her. When she stepped into the furo for her nightly bath, she had convinced herself that she could handle Enishi if he reacted badly. She would remain calm and talk him down, but as she soaked in the tub she wondered if that was really possible. Enishi was predictably unpredictable. How could she possibly think that she could calm him down?

By the time she stepped out of the bath and began to dry herself, the full weight of her anxiety was back. With a frustrated and tired sigh, Kaoru climbed into bed and pulled the blankets up under her chin. The night was deep in its passing when sleep finally came to her, it descended warily, fighting tooth and nail with her qualms.

The quiet of the night fell apart with a sudden crash. Her breath stolen and heart pounding hard in her chest, Kaoru was yanked out of a dead sleep. Blankets swept up in a tight fist, eyes wide and alert, she strained to listen. The house creaked on its foundation, a harsh wind whistled past her window, but the air around her remained still and quiet.

Minutes of silence passed and Kaoru began to wonder if she hadn't dreamed the whole thing. It could easily have been just a nightmare fueled by stress and worry. Convincing herself that what she heard had only been in her imagination, she settled herself back down to sleep when a door suddenly slammed from somewhere down the hall.

'Enishi..!'

Apprehension sucked at her nerves as Kaoru rose from her bed. She had to go to him. She didn't know what she would do when she found him, but she had to make certain he was alright.

Bare feet on the cold floor, Kaoru tightened the sash of her robe when the door swung open violently. It banged against the wall of her bedroom with a loud crack, sending the knob into the wall. Hair wild, eyes fierce and cheeks shining with wetness, Enishi stood before her. Kaoru suddenly felt very small and vulnerable in his presence, much like she did the night he kidnapped her.

They stared at each other as the wind pushed against the house. Then his lips pulled back as he hissed, "She loved him."

Kaoru swallowed hard.

"She loved him!"

She flinched at the booming of his voice, but said nothing.

He rubbed his face and murmured, "Loved him."

Kaoru clenched her fists and took a half step forward.

"All this time," Enishi whispered, "I thought she hated him. I thought his living offended her..." He trailed off and stared at the floor. A pained groan sounded from his throat and Kaoru empathized with his hurt. His susurrate voice continued, "Have I been the one offending her all this time?"

The question felt so delicate and frail that Kaoru wasn't certain she really heard him speak. Biting her lip, she wondered what she should say or do. Another groan and Enishi pushed his hand through his hair and yanked. He seemed to be holding on to himself by an unraveling thread.

Stealing herself, Kaoru closed the distance between them. "Enishi..."

"She stopped smiling," he pressed himself against the door frame, away from her, "because she still loves him. Loves him more..."

"Enishi," Kaoru continued, "you didn't know—"

"But you did," he suddenly snapped, glaring at her.

Kaoru blinked. "I—"

"You knew and stayed!"

Raven brows creased together as Kaoru tried to navigate his mood switch. Stretched to his limits, Enishi was falling into emotional overload.

"Why are you here?!" he demanded.

His paranoia hit her hard in the chest and she blinked at him in confusion, "Because you kidnapped me."

"Not now!" Enishi laughed. The sound felt hallow and dead. Broken. "You knew and chose to stay here willingly. Remember? Remember!? For my Jinchuu."

The hypercritical tone of his voice sent her temper flaring, "You were going to hurt them! Yahiko! Sanosuke! Everyone!" She jabbed her finger in his direction, "You wanted to send them home maimed just to torture Kenshin!"

Enishi's laugh strained. "He deserves to taste the pain he caused! He's a hitokiri with hundreds... no, thousands of people who want to see him dead!"

"He's not a hitokiri anymore!"

Exasperated, Enishi tore a hand through his hair. "Don't you get it!? The reason he became a wanderer was because he knew vengeance would find him if he stayed in one place for too long. After ten years, he stopped wandering. He stayed with you. He lived in your house and put you in danger!"

"I invited him!"

"And you defend him," he continued, ignoring her, "as though he's some kind of fucking saint!"

"Didn't you hear me?" she demanded, "I said I invited him!"

"I would expect foolishness like that from a swooning child!"

Kaoru balked, "S-swooning child?"

"He abandoned a woman to my Jinchuu and then sent children to fight in it!"

"That's not—"

"Don't defend him!" he raged, "She defended him and she died!"

Kaoru paused and sucked in a deep breath. "Because she loved him."

Enishi tugged at his hair.

"And my friends came because they love me, not because Kenshin asked them to."

He glared at her. "You are not this fucking stupid, Kamiya!" he spat. "Your precious Battousai put you and your friends in far more danger by simple association than I ever could have. I've killed, but his hands are soaked in blood! You have no idea — no idea! — what he did during the war. The men he killed. The fathers, the husbands... I don't have dozens upon dozens of broken families in my past with grown sons who want to see me dead!"

"He's protected us—"

"Because he had to! Because they came looking for him and found you!"

The room filled with silence and Enishi rubbed his face and groaned. After several long seconds, he said, "If he really wanted to protect you, if he really cared about your well-being, he would have left. My sister loved Battousai, so she left to try to protect him."

Kaoru's mouth opened and closed soundlessly as she tried to process what Enishi was saying. Was he trying to imply that Kenshin didn't really care about them? That he intentionally put them in danger out of selfishness?

"What exactly are you trying to say, Enishi?"

His disgust clear, he looked away from her. Then with a bone weary sigh he said, "Your friends were never in danger of being hurt."

Kaoru blinked, "But, Saitou—"

He glared at her, "Is he your 'friend?' Like the boy? Like the idiot fighter or kunoichi?"

"I couldn't let you—"

"You couldn't let me? You!" Enishi sneered. "You've been interfering since the beginning. Manipulating me... being shrewd."

Her temper already raw, she reacted to his sarcasm with venom. "What the hell are you talking about now?"

Kaoru's anger inflamed his own and he leaned toward her and hissed, "Why are you here?!"

"What are you—"

"Why - are - you - here?!" he roared, stepping toward her. Fists clenched and eyes wide, he continued to advance toward her. "My sister won't smile for me because she still loves him! In spite of everything. You knew that from the beginning! From the VERY beginning! Why are you here?! Why are you here, for my Jinchuu, when you knew she loved him?

Having had enough, she yelled back, "Because she loved you both!"

Kaoru barely suppressed the flinch that raced through her nerves when Enishi's expression turned deadly and his fist twitched. He would have hit her had she been anyone else. Still waiting for his answer, he stared down at her with cruel eyes.

Reeling in her own anger, she took a deep breath and said, "I stayed because you're not my enemy, Enishi. That is the truth."

He scoffed, but said nothing.

"You lived your whole life in pain and alone," Kaoru continued, carefully keeping her voice as neutral as possible. "You've done things... horrible things... but I know you're not an evil person."

She paused and licked her lips, trying to keep her eyes on his. It was difficult to look at him when he wore such a severe expression. "You could have killed me that night, but you didn't. You could have killed me here, but you didn't."

"I can still kill you. Here. Now."

"But you won't."

Enishi glared.

"You won't kill me," she repeated, "because I'm right. Anyone who loves someone as much as you love your sister isn't past the point of no return. You've dedicated yourself to honoring her memory, of doing what you believed would bring her peace, but you were missing an important part of her story... I wanted you to hear her side, so I asked Misao to bring the diary. I wanted to give it to in back in Tokyo."

The coldness in his eyes began to crack. The change, though slight, was enough to fuel her confidence. She was getting through to him. She was making progress. As the tension began to drain from her shoulders she offered him a gentle smile.

"I have never hated you, Enishi," she said. "I just wanted to help you. I wanted you to have what should have been yours from the beginning... and now you do. Haven't enough people been hurt already? Isn't there enough pain? I thought if I stayed, I could be here for you and protect my friends at the same time. That's why I'm here."

Though his expression remained harsh, Kaoru saw the softness in his eyes continue to grow. He was still teetering on the edge, meandering between angst and despair. She was getting through to him.

Enishi clenched his jaw as emotions warred across his features. Stubbornly holding on to his anger, he spat, "You and your pity!"

"It's not pity," she whispered, reaching out to touch his arm. He flinched from the contact and pulled away, but her hand held tight. Still too distraught to fight her touch, he simply trembled.

"Enishi," she squeezed his arm, hoping the contact would help to reassure him. "It's okay. You know the truth now. You can make her smile again."

He viciously pulled away from her then and watched with leery eyes as Kaoru carefully approached him again. She stood before him for a moment, granting him a chance to catch his breath, to process what was happening. He blinked uncertainly at her and she took that as her cue to move. With one and a half steps, she was in his space. Then her arms were wrapped around him and her face pressed against his chest. He flinched at the contact and pulled back, but Kaoru moved with him and didn't let go. The tension in his muscles only increased when her hold tightened. She said nothing, hoping the embrace would comfort him.

Seconds later, he responded by wrapping his arms around her waist. Tears stung her eyes as his embrace grew tenacious. He lost much more than his purpose when he learned the truth of his sister's feelings. He lost her, again.

"It's okay, Enishi," Kaoru whispered against him. "Everything will be okay..."

• • •

Rain pelted the windows, drumming against the glass. Enishi opened his eyes to the cloudy darkness, feeling morning rush into him. Tribulation seemed to surround him, leaving him in a place he didn't know how to maneuver. Without a goal to point him in a direction to follow, Enishi felt lost. His thoughts turned to the girl under his protection. Images and words crowded his mind as he remembered the night before. He hadn't meant to scream at her like he did. He wasn't even sure what exactly drove him to her room in the first place. The last entry in his sister's journal left him burning with betrayal and overwhelmed with guilt and anger. Kamiya had simply been an extension of that, both because of her connection to Battousai and his original suspicious about her kindness.

Enishi stared at the ceiling as he listened to the rain. The truth was, he had begun to trust her. Last night, he had to know, needed to know, why she chose to stay with him. It would be one thing if he had forced her to stay as he had planned to do, but she chose him over an opportunity to return home. He was certain that her motives for staying were devious in intent — a means to manipulate him. After all, he knew very well that mankind was not a selfless creature by nature.

But he was wrong. She was so sincere in her words, he didn't doubt her... and he wanted to.

'The supply ship comes this afternoon,' he thought as he scratched at the wound on his chest. 'I will send her home.'

Enishi sat up in bed and rubbed his face. Yes, he would send her home today. It would be easier to think without her around. Easier to make sense of things. Reaching for his glasses, Enishi paused in surprise. Body scrunched up uncomfortably in a large chair was Kamiya herself. Sleeping soundly, she was turned sideways in the western-style chair with her body curled in a fetal position. Both legs were tucked up to her chest and her head was resting against the high cushioned back of the chair.

'What is she doing here?' he thought as he stared, still taken aback by her presence in his room. 'I left her in her room last night... when did she..?'

Shock gave way to natural curiosity as wandering eyes took in her form. Her robe fell open above her knee, exposing the curve of her legs and quite a bit of thigh. Skin stretched over shapely muscle, Enishi felt his body begin to stir. She was much more feminine than he originally gave her credit for. A tomboy indeed, but a woman nonetheless... and it had been a long time since he had last been with a woman.

Sighing, he looked away. He couldn't let her sleep like that. Putting on his glasses, he rose from his bed and pulled on a shirt. The sounds of his movement around the room did not wake her. Eying her for several seconds, he pulled a blanket from his bed and carefully covered her. A lock of hair laid across her cheek and Enishi was sorely tempted to push it away. Resisting the urge, he drew the blanket around her and soundlessly left the room.

Within moments, he found himself standing near a window that overlooked the beach. Dark storm clouds smeared the horizon as the wind howled outside. A flash of light caught his eye and Enishi listened for the accompanying thunder. The dark clouds were heading their way and they were tearing up the surface of the ocean as they came. The storm would be upon them in only a few hours.

Enishi watched the rain splatter against the window as he watched the waves become more violent. Rough water automatically meant that the supply ship would not come. Kamiya would have to stay for at least another week.

As the storm pressed in around them, Enishi was surprised to realize that he felt relieved.