Catharsis

compassion
.:chapter ten:.

The storm pounded the little island late into the next day before it finally tapered off into a hard, steady rain. A day later and dark clouds still smeared the sky with morose shades of grey that made night and day seem to merge into one. Enishi spent most of his time the first two days after reading the diary alone. Kamiya still cooked for him and would discretely check on him from time to time, but she seemed to sense his need for privacy. Still, he found himself somehow reassured by her nearness, even when she said nothing at all. Just knowing that someone was concerned for him, even just a little, gave him a sliver of peace. It... grounded him somehow.

Even so, in the deepest, most primal part of himself, he felt agitated. His mind was stuck in a loop that alternated between grief and anger, love and hate, confusion and certainty, doubt and regret... and at the center of it all was his decade old desire for revenge. He knew now that killing Battousai would not make his sister smile for him. That much was obvious but knowing such truth didn't change his feelings. He still hated Battousai. The desire to destroy his brother-in-law didn't die with the knowledge that his sister actually loved the man. If anything, the desire doubled. It wasn't fair that such a man had so much. Not just Tomoe's love, but Kamiya's as well.

His jaw clenched tightly when he thought of the tomboy. Her lovesick attachment to Battousai had been annoying, yet tolerable, before. Now it bordered on enraging. Frustrated, Enishi tried to call up an image of his sister in his mind. The comfort of her smile would ease his ire. As the image formed a frenzy of indignation scurried up his spine. Her expression wasn't as sad, but she still wouldn't smile for him. The look made Enishi feel condemned.

For the first time since her death, he felt her sadness was directed toward him alone. The epiphany crushed him. For over a decade he believed her grief was because Battousai still lived, unpunished, and she was unable to rest peacefully as a result. The truth was, she was disappointed in her little brother. She didn't want vengeance, but what she did want... he didn't know.

Accepting that truth twisted the knife of guilt in his heart, but it did nothing to dampen ten years of anger and hate. He knew that if given the chance, Enishi would still kill Battousai. This time, instead of righteous vengeance, jealousy fueled his homicidal desire.

With a sigh, he pinched and bridge of his nose and tried to force his thoughts toward less volatile subjects. Staring out the window, he watched the tide ebb. Though some remnants of the storm still lingered overhead, the ocean waves were starting to look a bit less fearsome. He guessed that the sun would likely make a full reappearance tomorrow. A day after that, the supply ship would probably come.

He would have to send her home.

Conflicting thoughts and emotions filled his mind when he thought of sending her away. Logically, he knew it was no longer necessary to keep Kamiya. She had no reason to stay with him other than to be a distraction. Truthfully, she was a weakness. The relief he felt two days ago when he realized the supply ship would not come was proof of that. He was beginning to trust her, even want her... and there was no place for that in his life. Not while his sister still looked so forlorn and he had no idea why.

But.. she was... comfortable. Kamiya had a soothing effect on him. Much like Tomoe once did. And, once again, his thoughts instantly returned to the conflict warring within him — the anger he felt toward his brother-in-law, the guilt for wanting so desperately to kill the man his sister loved, and the unfairness of it all that Battousai had them both. Especially her.

A whisper-like shuffling of fabric alerted him to Kamiya's presence, pulling him from his musings. She stepped a few feet into the room, and then stopped. Back pointed in her direction and eyes forward, Enishi didn't acknowledge her arrival. He simply waited, heart curious, as he trained his ears on her.

• • •

She watched him stare out the window for several minutes, observing his listless form. Her own stillness seemed to add to the dreariness of the room, as though they were both made of shadows that overlapped on the edges and created eddies of heartache. Though she could empathize with his grief and even share it to an extent, she could not express her own anguish and worry over Kenshin. That she did her best to keep locked away, hidden from view, for fear that such sentiment might clash painfully against Enishi's already raw emotions.

Venturing a few careful steps further into the room, she studied his form and frowned. He sat quietly in the dark, his posture radiating preoccupation as the index finger of his right hand unconsciously rubbed the cushioned edge of the arm of his chair. He was, in every way, the very picture of isolation.

'He seems so lonely,' she thought. 'So... broken...'

As though hearing her thoughts, Enishi shifted in his seat and turned his head to look at her. Caught, Kaoru felt her cheeks flush.

"I— I'm sorry for staring," she said quickly, disturbing the melancholy with forced cheer. "I thought you might want... some company?" She smiled, doing her best to appear both friendly and unassuming — even while guilt for staring at him for so long without saying anything fluttered in the back of her mind.

Enishi's stony expression didn't change. He eyed her for a long moment, then pushed his glasses higher on the bridge of his nose and turned back toward the window.

'Well, he didn't say no.'

With quiet footsteps, she approached and then took a seat in the chair across from him. The dead air around him continued to thrive as Kaoru spent several minutes staring blankly out the window.

Turning scrutinizing eyes toward Enishi, she asked, "You've been sitting here all day, haven't you?"

Maintaining his silence, Enishi continued to look fixedly ahead. Kaoru's brows creased as she tried to read him.

"You're doing it again," he said, turquoise eyes swiveling in her direction.

Kaoru blinked, "Huh?"

"Staring."

She bit back a scowl and looked away. "Sorry."

A smirk threatened to pull the corners of his lips upward as he regarded her. Kaoru felt his attention and a fresh blush tickled along her cheeks.

"Are you worried about me?" he asked, relieving her by looking away.

"I've been... concerned," she said. His eyes met hers and the embarrassed smile Kaoru gave was done on reflex. His expression didn't seem annoyed or doubtful, so she wasn't sure what he thought of her admitting that she was concerned about him, but as soon as she began to wonder at him, he looked away. She followed the direction of his gaze and peer out the window for several seconds before finally asking, "What are you thinking about?"

"Killing Battousai."

His answer came out so matter-of-fact that Kaoru blanched.

Giving her a sidelong glance, he asked, "Did you think reading my sister's diary would make me hate him less?"

"I... I guess not," she said softly.

"If anything," his voice was low, intense. "I hate him more."

Kaoru was tempted to ask him why but held her tongue. Instead, she accepted his words with a nervous swallow and watched the rain taper into a steady drizzle.

"I hated her fiancé," he said after a time, disrupting the quiet.

"Pardon?"

"I was glad when he left to go to Kyoto," he continued. "I hoped he wouldn't come back."

Kaoru caught up to him and asked, "Kyosato Akira?"

Enishi nodded. "I thought she was going to marry him because our father wanted her to. I didn't expect her to miss him. I never saw her smile for him."

"She loved him," Kaoru said and almost regretted her words at Enishi's glare.

"Did you read it?"

Kaoru blinked, "No, of course not."

"But you knew what was in it."

"I only knew what Kenshin told me," she said.

Quiet filled the space between them, creating ripples of tension as the seconds ticked by. She knew it annoyed him to hear Kenshin's given name, but she wasn't about to call him 'Battousai' as he did.

"Do you think of yourself as a replacement for my sister?" Enishi asked, scrutinizing her.

She returned his gaze with eyes sparkling and lips forming a tight line. Offended, Kaoru said, "No."

"Really?" Enishi asked, "You're not trying to be Battousai's 'sheath?'"

His question killed some of the fire in Kaoru's eyes. Suddenly reminded of how she felt the day she learned Kenshin had once been married, she looked away.

Megumi told her she could never be a replacement for Tomoe. At the time, Kaoru wanted to be. She wanted to give Kenshin that kind of calm and she felt inadequate and jealous that she could not, but Kenshin made her feel important to him as the day of the confrontation drew closer. Hours before Enishi kidnapped her, she made peace with those feelings.

Or at least thought she did. Now a new set of feelings were casting shadows on her heart. Expression softening, Kaoru finally said, "No... I can't."

Enishi raised a brow.

"Tomoe saved him from his hitokiri side," she explained, "She pulled him back. When I met him, he was rurouni. I just wanted to help him. I wanted to give him a place to call home."

Kaoru felt Enishi's disapproving eyes upon her.

"Tomoe is still his sheath," she said, "She always will be."

He looked away from her and Kaoru thought of his words from the other night. Kenshin had left her to defend herself in Enishi's Jinchuu. Even if he did believe her dead, she still felt abandoned... and heartbroken.

Sighing, Kaoru spoke in soft tones, "I don't know what I mean to him anymore."

• • •

NEXT DAY

Enishi found her in the kitchen, waiting for her tea to finish steeping as she finished drying the dishes she used that morning for breakfast. The white robe she wore was beginning to reflect its over-use as he eyed a couple of snags. Dishes put away and her tea properly brewed, she turned to fill her cup when she noticed his presence.

"Oh! Hello," her lips lifted into a smile. "Tea?"

"No, thank you."

"I made plenty," she said as she poured herself a cup. He shook his head and she nodded. "Well... did you need something?"

Enishi didn't respond to her question. Instead, he held out a wrapped bundle for her. "The supply ship arrives tomorrow," he said. "You will be on it when it leaves."

Setting her tea cup down, Kamiya took the bundle from him. "What's all this?" she asked.

"Proper clothing. For a lady."

Questioning eyes met his as Kamiya hugged the package to her chest. Unexpected emotions filtered across her eyes, many of them plain to read and surprising to see. He had expected her to be relieved, even happy, but instead she appeared uncertain and more than a little worried.

"What about... Kenshin?" she asked delicately. "And... Jinchuu?"

Enishi immediately stiffened at the name. 'She's worried about him...'

"It's over," he said.

Kamiya accepted his words with a tremor of acknowledgement. Thoughtful blue eyes stared into the hidden depths of the package in her arms. She squeezed it once, on reflex, and Enishi felt ready to leave.

"What are you going to do now?" Kamiya asked quietly, forcing Enishi to linger a moment longer.

"I don't know," he said, running a hand through his hair. "Return to Shanghai perhaps."

Kamiya bit her lip as her expression grew introspective once more. Her question surprised him, so he waited. Depositing the package on the counter top, she gathered her thoughts. Then, "Come with me."

Taken aback, Enishi studied her skeptically as he doubted his ears.

"Don't go back there," she continued, voice clear and certain, "and don't stay here alone and punish yourself."

The proposition repeated once more, doubt vanished. The suggestion didn't just come from her lips, it echoed in her eyes. Kamiya seemed to glow with sincerity.

"You're... serious," he whispered.

"Yes," she said quickly. "Please don't go back to Shanghai. Come back to Japan. Come to Tokyo with me. There's plenty of room and it would be better if you weren't alone, I think."

Thrown off by her unexpected invitation, Enishi didn't think to simply say 'no.' Instead, he found himself volunteering information he normally wouldn't have. "I... I can't. Not until my organization deals with the Japanese police—"

"Oh, well... then I'll stay here until that's done," Kaoru interrupted. "That should only be another couple weeks, right?"

"Months," he corrected automatically, and she seemed to visibly deflate.

"That long?" she murmured, more to herself than to him as her gaze dropped to to her hands. 'What am I saying?' the rational part of her demanded, 'Why am I so worried about him being alone?'

Her heart knew. The reason Kaoru didn't want to leave him was because she was afraid for him. Returning to Shanghai would be a mistake. Especially now. Despair still haunted him. She'd seen it and tried to her best to chase it away. Her efforts yielded results, but they quickly faded when Enishi was left alone for too long. If he went to Shanghai he would be isolating himself even more. Worse, he'd be returning to the very place that turned him into a killer to begin with.

"You're such a child," he said smugly. Kaoru looked up at him and saw cockiness return to his countenance. He had recovered from the jolt of her suggestion. Lips pulled back into an irritating smirk, Enishi continued, "That way you take in strays is shameful."

"I'm not a child!" Kaoru glared. "And there's nothing 'shameful' about wanting to help."

"Idealistic and naive."

"Not this again!" Nostrils flared and temper building, Kaoru asked, "Are you trying to start a fight?"

"Is there anyone you won't take in?" he asked innocently. "It seems you enjoy playing savior."

Kaoru grit her teeth. He was pushing her buttons on purpose. It was infuriating.

"What's wrong with wanting to help people?"

He sighed, "Look at who you're helping, Kamiya. Do you ever think about that?"

"I'm helping my friends," she said, anger punctuating her words. "You're my friend! Why shouldn't I want to help you?"

Enishi shook his head, but said nothing.

"Excuse me for caring!"

"Now I'm your 'friend.' I thought I just wasn't your enemy."

Kaoru felt like pulling her hair out.

"Go home, Kamiya. I don't want, or need, your friendship." Kaoru gaped as Enishi eyed her loftily, "Still shrewd."

Anger zigzagged up her spine. "Damn it, Enishi! I'm sick and tired of this! Either accept my friendship or don't!"

She stepped toward him, determined to get in his face and tell him off. The height difference between them made such a prospect daunting, but Kaoru compensated. Voice raised and very nearly standing on the tips of her toes, she said. "Get this through your thick head: I am not shrewd! I helped you because it was the right thing to do. If you don't want my friendship, fine!"

Enishi's jaw muscle twitched as he stared down at her, his eyes penetrating hers. His intense gaze didn't stifle her anger. "Jerk!" His eyes narrowed and teeth clenched, she jabbed her finger against his chest, "I'm not like you—!"

Her tirade stopped when her hand was suddenly caught in Enishi's fist. A gentle yank, and Kaoru felt a nearness that made her mind go blank.

He was kissing her. So shocked by the contact she did nothing to detour him. Strong hands slid across her back and pulled her closer. Her body pressed firmly against his, Kaoru's mind slowly began to register what was happening. A shiver of electricity and fear raced down her back. What he was doing, the way he was holding her, the feel of strength all around her — it felt good... and... arousing. Her insides quivered with excitement as her body began to feel strangely warm — and not in a bad way. As Enishi's lips moved over her own, some part of her still able to think clearly knew that it couldn't last. Guilt was already building up within her heart.

When she felt his tongue taste her lips seeking entry, she suddenly thought of Kenshin and her mind was awash in shame. The spell was immediately broken, and the moment lost.

Muscles rigid, Enishi reluctantly broke off the kiss. Inexperience shined in her eyes and colored her cheeks. Kaoru stepped backward and the two stared at each other. One clearly uncomfortable and the other seemingly annoyed.

"The supply ship arrives tomorrow," Enishi said, repeating his earlier announcement. "You will be on it."

• • •

Kamiya avoided him after the kiss. She still cooked for him, still brought him food, but she was clearly uncomfortable in his presence. Logically he knew why she chose to stay away from him. He was her first kiss and she was in love with Battousai. The sadistic side of him should take pleasure in that realization, but he couldn't bring himself to feel that way. Instead, her avoidance bothered him in ways he didn't like to think about and the more she did it, the more annoyed he became.

With the hour of her departure upon them, Enishi was surprised to find Kamiya eagerly waiting for him. Dressed in the blue and white kimono he had made for her, Enishi admired the sudden femininity that radiated from her. His appraisal of her appearance didn't reflect in his visage. Stoic and detached, Enishi waited for her to speak.

"The... the kimono is beautiful," she said, hands twisting together nervously.

Enishi grunted and Kamiya continued to fidget. Impatient, he asked, "Are you prepared to leave?"

Kamiya nodded and the hand wringing stuttered. She wasn't finished. It was obvious that she wanted to say more, but Enishi was too annoyed with her to wait for her to build up the courage to speak.

"Let's go," Enishi said, heading toward the door.

"Wait!"

Pausing, he gave her a miffed look.

"I- I'm sorry," she swallowed hard as cheeks colored. "I've been rude to you lately... I'm sorry."

Heading toward the door once more, Enishi repeated himself. "Let's go."

The walk to the shore and the subsequent boarding of the boat was done with an uncomfortable silence. Enishi left Kamiya to give the captain of the vessel his instructions. Moments later, he turned around to see several members of the crew eyeing Kamiya like vultures.

Disgusted, Enishi turned back to the captain. "I'll remain on board until we drop the girl off."

The captain gave him a queer look and then saw what Enishi had seen. Understanding the motives behind his sudden change of plans, the captain said, "Of course, sir."

Enishi returned to Kamiya's side and sent cold glares to every man he made eye contact with. When the ship began to move, shocked blue eyes turned to Enishi.

"You're coming with me?"

"I'm escorting you to Tokyo," he clarified.

Kamiya's expression seemed to deflate. "You don't need to escort me."

"I wasn't going to," Enishi said, "but it's obvious that most of the men on board this ship haven't seen an attractive, young woman up close in years. Telling them to behave themselves is a waste of breath."

Blushing, Kamiya looked away from him. A moment later, she said, "I can defend myself. I'm not helpless."

"I know," Enishi agreed, "but you are still under my protection. From the moment I took you from Tokyo until the moment you return."

• • •

She felt strangely self-conscious maneuvering her way down the street. Should she go to the dojo first or Megumi's clinic? That question plagued her mind relentlessly since arriving. Now at the junction of decision, Kaoru found herself longing to go to the dojo, but her feet carried her to the clinic instead.

Slow and steady she made her way down the street. The clinic finally in view, Kaoru felt her heart quicken and hands tingle. She wanted to see him, but was afraid at the same time.

Smoothing the front of her new kimono, Kaoru thought, 'I hope Enishi is doing all right. I hope he doesn't go to Shanghai...'

The imaginary wrinkles erased, Kaoru pulled her mind away from the man who kidnapped her. Since leaving him, she couldn't go long without thinking of him. Even at the moment of seeing Kenshin again, Kaoru's thoughts wandered to Enishi.

Stealing herself, she pushed open the door to the clinic. Kaoru clearly heard Megumi's voice as she removed her shoes and stepped further within.

"...it will taste bad," the doctor said, her back to Kaoru, "but it will help ease your daughter's pain and settle her stomach."

"How often should she drink it?" asked the man, a young girl sat beside him. She appeared pale and tired as she leaned against her father. Kaoru offered a smile when the girl looked her way.

"No more than four times a day. She probably won't need to drink it that often, but if she does, let me know."

The man looked down at the small bundle in his hands and nodded. Clearing his throat and giving a polite bow, he said, "Thank you, Megumi-san."

Megumi returned the courtesy, "You're welcome."

Turning to walk her patient out, the doctor saw her newest visitor standing nervously near the entry way.

Megumi stared for a long moment, then found her voice. "K-kaoru?!"

"Hello, Megumi."