Catharsis
ache
.:chapter eleven:.
"I— I can't believe... w-when did you..?" Megumi's voice trailed off as she studied the young woman standing before her.
The doctor's obvious surprise gave Kaoru a good feeling, making her even more anxious to see Kenshin. Smiling, she said, "It's good to see—"
A sudden hug cut Kaoru off. The gesture lasted but a moment, then Megumi's questioning eyes were searching once more.
"How?"
"Enishi let me go. I disembarked the ship a little over an hour ago," Kaoru said, lips lifting into a shy smile.
"And you came straight here?" The doctor narrowed her eyes critically, "You're not hurt, are you?"
"No, no. I'm fine."
Megumi's intensity didn't waiver. "You're sure?" she asked, voice low and expression deadly serious. "He didn't force himself on you, did he?"
"Force himself..?" Kaoru's expression turned mortified. "No! He wouldn't. Absolutely not!" The doctor's lips twitched downward at her sudden tenacity and Kaoru knew that she didn't quite believe her.
"You can tell me," she said, voice low. "It's better if you do. I will protect your privacy, but a trauma like that usually requires treatment."
Feeling her cheeks redden, the kendo instructor was taken aback by the doctor's immediate assumption about what happened on the island. Never once had she been afraid that Enishi would try to force himself on her, and now that the idea had been suggested, she felt foolish for not considering that such a thing could have happened. She supposed the thought never occurred to her because she had somehow always known that he wouldn't do that. Enishi was a lot of things, but rapist wasn't one of them, but convincing Megumi of that might be a different matter all together.
"He didn't rape me," Kaoru said. "And I promise, I would tell you if he did, but he didn't. He didn't touch me." As soon as the words left her mouth she thought of the kiss and her heart quickened. Technically, yes, it was a lie. He did touch her, but not in the way Megumi meant... not in a bad way. Unexpected, yes... but not violent. Not destructive.
Kaoru offered her best smile and said, "You can do an examination if you want, but honestly, I'm fine."
The doctor pressed her lips together as she gave her another critical scrutiny, then her expression softened and she hugged Kaoru again — this time with an affectionate squeeze and a sigh of relief. "I'm so glad to hear that. We feared the worst, Kaoru-chan. I really thought... I was afraid..." she trailed off, then pulled back from Kaoru to wipe her eyes. "Never mind what I thought. I'm just glad you're safe."
Kaoru felt guilt nip at the edges of her happiness, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry everyone. I had to stay... I was afraid he would kill them if they kept trying to force him to let me go."
"I suspected those were your reasons," the doctor said. "Yahiko still has a hard time accepting that."
Kaoru swallowed hard as she thought of the boy. She hoped she would be able to explain everything to him better, help him to understand and hopefully forgive her for telling them to leave.
"I think, deep down, he understands why you did it, but that didn't make it hurt any less." Megumi smiled. "He's attached to you, you know? You're family to him."
Kaoru's features lifted at the comment, but she still wondered if she'd be able to fully repair the damage done to their relationship. Would he trust her again? Would he understand that she wasn't rejecting their rescue, but genuinely trying to protect them? She hoped so.
"So if you're not hurt, why did you come here?" Megumi asked, pushing the conversation in another direction. "Why didn't you go to the dojo?"
"Kenshin is here, isn't he? I was told he was... ill."
The doctor paused, expression somber. Kaoru didn't like her lack of response. Her reluctance to speak was worrisome.
"Where is he?" The kendo instructor asked.
"He's not here."
"He's better?" Kaoru asked, hope and relief filling her.
"He's improved, but he's still not one hundred percent," Megumi pursed her lips. "He should still be at police station, I think."
She gave the doctor a questioning look.
"Actually," Megumi grew thoughtful and tapped her chin, "we should probably go to the police station, too. They need to know that you're home safe, too."
Before Kaoru could say anything, the doctor was relaying strict instructions to her two assistants. Then Kaoru found herself being quickly herded outside.
The post-lunchtime crowds choked the streets, compelling the women to maneuver with more fortitude than normally required. When they finally pushed themselves through the more congested areas of the street, Kaoru asked, "Why is Kenshin at the police station?"
A street vendor cut them off with his cart, forcing the women to cross the street.
"Saitou is gone."
"W... what?" Kaoru's face paled.
"He's not dead," Megumi said, sparing the younger woman a quick glance. "He's just... gone. Without him, Ken-san doesn't have a contact willing to discuss Enishi Yukishiro."
"Oh..."
"So he went there this morning to talk to the detective who's replacing Saitou. He wanted to get information about the location of the island where you were being held so he could find you."
Days of feeling abandoned and forgotten suddenly lifted from Kaoru's shoulders. She felt good all the way down to her toes. Megumi noticed the happy glow and frowned. Tugging on a corner of her sleeve, the doctor forced Kaoru to pause.
"Kaoru-chan, you need to understand. Ken-san still is not himself."
Expression turning worried once more, she asked, "What do you mean?"
"His health is better, but his fasting weakened his body considerably. Infection set in with some of his wounds. Entropy robbed him of muscle," Megumi sighed. "He was trying to die. Willing himself to die... I think that's why his body got in such a bad state so quickly."
"But you said he's not himself...?"
"He's not," Megumi agreed. "He started to come out of his depression around the time everyone came back from the island. When he fully understood 'Jinchuu,' he took it upon himself build up his strength for one last confrontation with Enishi."
"That's good, isn't it? That's the way Kenshin is. He never gives up. He always succeeds."
The doctor's lips formed a tight line. Megumi's silence was disturbing.
"There's more," Kaoru said, voice pained.
Megumi nodded. "He's no longer living in constant mourning, but he still acts strangely. His body is mostly recovered, but it's not like it was before. I wonder if his body will ever fully recover."
"W-why?"
"He seems... aged. I think his body is beginning to fall apart."
Eyes wide, Kaoru's expression froze with dismay.
"You have to understand," the doctor explained delicately. "Ken-san pushes his body beyond its limits every time he fights. His speed and strength is from sheer force of will, not muscle and bone. Ken-san is finally at the point where his body can no longer handle the stress of fighting. It can no longer keep up with his will."
Kaoru swallowed.
"You coming back now probably saved his life."
• • •
The walk to the police station took a total of twenty minutes, but it felt like days to Kaoru. Megumi's words had wormed into her brain and made her insides clench uncomfortably, so much so that she barely spoke for the remainder of the journey. Seeming the sense the younger woman's unease, Megumi said little else - save for informing Kaoru that Sano had (once again) left town after the law and some rather unsavory types had come looking for him. The kendo instructor was disappointed to hear that he was gone, but was certain that he would be back soon. The two of them had a lot to talk about and she wanted to clear the air between them.
Then, thoughts of Kenshin filled her head once more. They were about to cross the street to the police station when Kaoru caught sight of a familiar head of red hair. Heart pounding and tears stinging her eyes, she called out his name as she jogged toward him. Expression reflecting his surprise, Kenshin barely had a chance to say her name as she enveloped him in a tight hug. His arms went around her automatically, but barely squeezed back.
"I missed you," she said, ignoring the limp feel of his arms around her. She pulled back from him and smiled, cheeks already wet with tears.
"He let you go?"
Kaoru nodded and gave him another affectionate hug. Her entire body seemed saturated with relief at the sight of him and the sound of his voice. She was home, and it felt wonderful. The hug lasted for mere seconds before Kenshin broke the contact between them, his eyes unusually somber as he gave her a smile.
"I'm glad you're home safe," he said.
She returned the smile and wanted to embrace him again, but felt the contact would be distinctly unwelcome. Clasping her hands together, she said, "I suppose I should tell the police that I'm alive and well?"
"That would be wise, Kaoru-dono," he said as he turned toward the station. "I can take you to the officer that you need to see, then I suppose you want to go home?"
"More than anything!"
Several minutes later, she and Kenshin escorted Megumi back to her clinic. Few words were spoken as they moved down the road, much to Kaoru's surprise. Kenshin's reserved reaction toward her was confusing. The disappointment she felt at his lukewarm response sent her spirits in a tailspin. She was so happy to see him... shouldn't he be happy to see her, too? She didn't expect him to be overly affectionate, but she expected something. A smile, a fond embrace... something. Something more than limp arms around her waist and such painfully reserved sentiments...
'Perhaps it's because Megumi is with us,' Kaoru rationalized. Grasping that explanation, the kendo instructor forced her spirits to buoy once more. When Megumi departed from their company to return to work, Kaoru waited for the warm smiles and kind words she expected.
They didn't come.
Disappointment stung her eyes, but Kaoru stubbornly blinked the sensation away. 'I'm being childish,' she told herself, still trying to remain optimistic. 'I'm being overly sensitive and childish...' As they strode across the bridge that took them away from the bustle of the city, her asserted herself.
"I hope Yahiko's been keeping up with his katas," she said with a forced cheer. Ripples radiated through the awkward lull, giving her hope, "I don't want to have to retrain him because he's grown sloppy."
"He practices every day."
Kaoru smiled. It was good to hear his voice again.
"His form has even improved," Kenshin continued. "He's grown much more confident with his skills."
"He defeated one of Heishin's bodyguards by himself," pride clearly reflecting in her voice. "I think even Enishi was impressed."
Kenshin suddenly stopped in his tracks. Kaoru paused as well, questioning eyes boring into his back.
"Kaoru-dono," he said, turning toward her.
Hope made her heart sing. Perhaps now that they were alone, Kenshin would show some sort of happiness at her arrival. She grinned widely at him, "Hmm?"
Instead of kind words of welcome or an affectionate embrace, Kenshin knelt to the ground.
"Kenshin," Kaoru began, puzzled. "What are you—?"
Surprise stole her breath when the rurouni immediately bowed before her. Forehead pressed against the earth, he said, "Kaoru-dono, please forgive this unworthy one for failing to protect you."
"K- Kenshin... no..." Her throat tightened. "Please get up. There's nothing to forgive."
Kenshin sat up slowly, reluctantly, his eyes heavy.
"Please get up," she repeated, lips quivering. "There's nothing to forgive!"
He rose to his feet awkwardly and Kaoru was reminded of Megumi's words. '...his body is beginning to fall apart.'
Dust clung to his clothing. "I'm relieved that you're safe," he said, eyes distant and voice strangely monotone. He felt both distant and flat, as though the two of them had somehow reverted back to being strangers. The sensation made her heart pound hard in her chest as cold dread squeezed her belly into knots.
'Why is he acting like this?!'
He smiled kindly at her silence before turning away to resume their trek.
"Kenshin, wait!"
He paused.
"What happened to you, Kenshin?" She asked, voice cracking.
He offered a ghost of a smile. "I fell into despair."
Her mouth open and closed soundlessly. Kenshin's pained smile crushed her heart. He was looking at her with eyes she'd never seen before. Eyes overwhelmed with guilt.
"But there's no reason for you to feel that way now," Kaoru said in a rush, closing the distance between them. "I'm so happy to be back, Kenshin. I was worried—"
"I'm happy you're here, too."
The sadness in his voice sank Kaoru's heart. Still, she persisted. "I heard about Rakinumura... you don't need to punish yourself, Kenshin."
The rurouni didn't acknowledge her. Instead, he began walking once more and Kaoru was forced to follow. Chewing on her bottom lip, Kaoru considered the rurouni's detached behavior.
"Enishi treated you well?" Kenshin asked, breaking the silence.
"Y-yes." She desperately wanted to hear some liveliness in his voice. Doing her best to lighten the mood, she continued, "Other than leaving me with only a robe to wear and insulting my food, he was actually kind."
Kenshin glanced at her out of the corners of his eyes. "You cooked for him?"
"He wasn't eating," Kaoru explained. "And he was hurt." The rurouni nodded and she continued, "Plus, I thought some kindness would be good for him."
"I see," the gates of the dojo grew larger in their visage as they approached. "I don't recognize your kimono. Enishi gave it to you, didn't he?"
Glancing down at herself, Kaoru unconsciously smoothed her hands over the fabric. A blush rose on her cheeks as she thought of the day he gave her the garment, and the kiss that followed shortly thereafter. "Y- yes."
Kaoru didn't notice the way Kenshin was observing her. Nor did she feel his curiosity linger on the rosiness of her cheeks.
• • •
THREE MONTHS LATER
He thumbed through the pages absently, eyes wandering over words and phrases with minimal attention. Her handwriting was perfect. Each stroke a representation of her upbringing and education.
Sighing, Enishi rubbed his brow and flipped the diary closed. It wasn't fair. Battousai had too much and deserved it the least. Tomoe and Kamiya. One he stole by way of the sword and the other through the naive love of a girl who looked for the best in people.
Insult on top of injury, Enishi was forced to acknowledge his yearnings. The kiss had been impetuous and he had surprised himself with his own actions, yet enjoyed the brief moment immensely. Her reaction, though awkward and annoying, was understandable once he saw her expression. He had been her first kiss. The realization brought a satisfaction that extended far beyond the physical pleasure of the moment. Battousai had yet to claim her. The romantic attachment she felt toward the former assassin could be unrequited.
How wonderfully perfect.
Letting her go had been a mistake. Enishi saw that now. Kamiya had been sincere with him from the very beginning. Her kindness was the core of who she was. She had accepted him, trusted him... and he had been too suspicious and angry to recognize it.
Now that she was gone, he missed her. Kamiya's presence was serene. Even when she argued with him, challenged him... Enishi felt calm, satisfied. He liked her fire, her fierceness, her independence and strength...
And he wanted that serenity back. Battousai owed him. If the hitokiri was too much of a fool to accept what was being offered to him, then Enishi would happily take it.
Even go to Tokyo and fight for it.
• • •
"I want you to do another five hundred swings before you leave."
The boy grumbled under his breath, but wisely began the exercise without further complaint. Kaoru watched his form critically, noting the way Yahiko stepped into the swing with a confidence that didn't exist months ago. The boy was growing into a remarkable swordsman. Kaoru was proud.
"...82...83... 84..."
"Watch your hands, Yahiko," Kaoru called out. "Steady your strikes. Don't rush."
The boy's form immediately improved, his counting uninterrupted. Kaoru hid her smile. He was by far the most skilled swordsman in all of Japan for a boy his age, but telling him that would only make him more cocky. That was the last thing she wanted. He needed to learn humility. Confirming his assertion that he was indeed exceptional would derail her efforts. Besides, they were on such good terms now, she didn't want to ruin it.
During the months since Kaoru's return, her relationship with Yahiko had evolved. The name calling and teasing continued just as it always did, but there was subtle difference. That difference was in Yahiko himself. Enishi's Jinchuu matured the boy into a young man. It cemented his already solid desire to be strong and even took the need a step further. Where once the boy simply wanted to be Kenshin's equal, now there was a desire to exceed him. To be independent.
That independent desire didn't go unnoticed and at first, Kaoru felt particularly stung by his attitude. Recognizing the need to speak with him privately, she confronted her student and it wasn't long before he told her exactly what he thought and how he felt. By the time their conversation concluded, Kaoru felt closer to Yahiko than she ever did before, but she still had a problem.
Yahiko was far more angry at Kenshin than he was with her. The idol worship was gone. In its place was bitter disappointment and resentment. Kaoru empathized with that sentiment. She, too, felt a sense of disappointment, but her feelings were colored by the growing distance between Kenshin and herself. With each passing day, her relationship with him seemed to stretch even further, regardless of how often she tried to mend things between them. Her attempts always seemed to end in failure. Kenshin was shut off to her and Yahiko, leaving both to feel rejected on top of everything else.
Kaoru, at least, could rationalize his behavior to a degree. A lot had happened since Enishi crashed into their lives and the encounter had left scars, but Yahiko wasn't yet old enough to really understand all that had happened. He simply felt disappointed, rejected and angry. Worse, Kenshin did little (if anything) to smooth those feelings.
If anything, he seemed to feel he deserved them.
The guilt he carried was the most frustrating thing of all and it clung to him relentlessly. She could see it in his mannerisms and hear it in his words. It followed after him as he went about his chores and did his errands. Guilt was consuming him. No longer physically residing in Rakinumura, Kenshin's heart still existed there. Her easy gift of forgiveness went unaccepted. Kenshin felt he still had to atone.
He wanted to go rurouni again. Kaoru could feel it in her bones. It was only a matter of time before he left again.
Ignoring her heartache, Kaoru focused her attention on Yahiko. Then she noticed Kenshin out of the corner of her eye. He was preparing to go into town.
'I should go with him,' she thought, eyeing the rurouni. 'I should talk to him...'
Her mind made up, Kaoru stood. "I'm going into town with Kenshin," she announced.
"You look like a man dressed like that," Yahiko said without looking at her.
Kaoru gaped.
"Stink, too."
"That stink is you, Yahiko-chan."
The boy suddenly paused in his routine and glared. "Don't call me that!"
"Did I tell you to stop?" Kaoru demanded. "You can do another two hundred swings!"
Yahiko sputtered. "What?!"
"Get going!"
The boy clenched his shinai tightly, jaw set and eyes angry. Kaoru knew he wanted to give her more sass, but he held back. Another reflection of his growing maturity. He was finally learning to watch his mouth.
"I'm only telling the truth," the boy grumbled, compromising with his temptation.
Back talk was back talk, but Kaoru chose to overlook it when she realized the rurouni was heading toward them, no doubt to inform them that he would be leaving.
"I don't see you practicing, Yahiko," Kaoru said, a split second before putting on a cute, friendly grin for the rurouni. "Are you heading into town, Kenshin?"
"Aa," he smiled at her, the expression not quite reaching his eyes. His usual kindness made his detachment all the more painful. "I was going to buy some tofu. Do you need something?"
"No," Kaoru's grin increased. "But I'd like to join you."
"You don't have to—"
"I want to."
Kenshin blinked, and relented graciously. "Alright."
"Give me a minute to change," Kaoru said, heading toward the house. A handful of minutes later, she reemerged, dressed in a kimono and smiling brightly. As the two headed out the gate, she called over her shoulder, "Don't slack off while I'm gone, Yahiko."
The boy grunted and the counting continued.
• • •
They had walked in silence for nearly ten minutes before Kaoru finally worked up the nerve to speak. "Kenshin?"
He turned his head toward her, expression amiable. He could see that there was a question burning in her heart, causing her fingers to curl and uncurl unconsciously, so he waited.
"Are you... thinking of becoming rurouni again?"
Kenshin blinked, taken aback. That was not the inquiry he was expecting. Rather, he assumed her question would be geared more to their strained relationship. He was pulling away from her and could see the distress it caused. As much as it hurt him to hurt her, it couldn't be helped now. Things had changed. He had grown too close to her and allowed her to become attached. It was past time to correct that mistake.
"Kenshin?"
"I've thought about it," he admitted honestly.
Anger mixed with pain flashed in her eyes. "You're not happy here..." Kaoru's voice caught, "with me?"
"It's not about my happiness—"
"Don't do that!" She snapped.
Kenshin recoiled.
"Don't turn this into an issue of atonement and forgiveness!" Kaoru's eyes flared, "I've offered you my forgiveness... my friendship... my heart..."
"Kaoru-dono—"
"And you've been acting like we're nothing more than friendly acquaintances!" She squeezed her eyes shut and grit her teeth. "I'm tired of it!"
"Kaoru-dono, I don't mean to hurt you—"
"Why didn't you leave Rakinumura when you found out I was alive? Why are you pushing us away?" Her fist clenched the collar of her kimono. "What am I to you, Kenshin?"
Kaoru's eyes bore into his as she waited for his reply. He had avoided this subject for too long.
"It is my fault he came," he said at last. "I've put all of you in danger because I wanted to forget my past. I grew comfortable here. I formed friendships and chose to forget. I am happy here, but I don't have that luxury. Like it or not, I will always be a hitokiri. There will always be someone who wants to avenge the past. My presence will ultimately bring unhappiness to the people I care for."
She was silent for several moments, her eyes searching his. Then, "So you're just going to leave, is that it? You've been feeling this way for the last three months and didn't think it was important enough to tell me about it?"
"No, that's not—"
"Were you just going to leave one day without a word? Was that your plan?"
"No."
Kaoru squeezed her eyes shut as she composed herself. After several deep breaths, she said, "You could have told me, Kenshin." Blue eyes grew watery. "I... I love you."
Guilt clutched at his heart as he whispered, "I know."
Kaoru gaped at him as tears began to leak from her eyes. Voice cracking, she asked, "You... know?"
He said nothing. What could he say? He had failed her. He had failed them all.
"Wh-what am I to you, Kenshin?"
He sighed, then squared his shoulders. She deserved to know what he had wanted once. "If things were different... if I was confident that you would be safe... I would ask you to be my wife."
Kaoru stared dumbstruck.
"But there is no place for that now," Compassion and guilt echoed in his voice. "I failed to protect you. I failed to rescue you. A husband must be able to protect his wife. I cannot forgive myself for failing to do that, even if you can."
"But, I don't—"
Kenshin raised his hand, bringing her protest to a sudden stop. "There are still people who wish me harm, Kaoru-dono. I care too much about you to put you at risk because of my sins."
He saw a familiar spark of anger flare in her eyes. The ire building inside of her made the air crackle around him. Standing ready, Kenshin prepared himself for whatever Kaoru deemed fit to throw his way. After breaking her heart, he deserved nothing less.
As she opened her mouth to vent her frustrations, the earth began to shake.
AN: Okay, let me just come out and say it: This chapter was hard. I totally love Kenshin. And believe it or not, but I am a K/K fan. Even I hate to see him this way. However, I honestly think he would have this kind of reaction if he realized he sat in Rakinumura when Kaoru needed him the most.
I've read a lot of fics where Kenshin is characterized as thinking he's unworthy of Kaoru. I don't totally subscribe to that philosophy. I think that's probably true for the first half of the manga, but by the time Enishi shows up I figure Kenshin has already decided he wants to be with Kaoru forever. It was Jinchuu that finally exorcised Kenshin's demons regarding Tomoe's death (I think). He made peace with Tomoe, she told him Kaoru was still alive... the rest is history. Since that didn't happen in this universe, I think Kenshin would suffer a bit of a set-back emotionally. This is why I have him behaving the way I do.
That said, is Kenshin's behavior believable? Or is it over-the-top?
If you're a Kenshin fan and hate seeing him so down, don't worry. I've got plans for the guy. It might rub some of you hard core K/K fans, but if you've read this fic to this point... well, I think you can handle it.
Thanks again for reading & reviewing! Your feedback is super helpful.