Hiding Under the Ninth Earth
Book 02 : A Bit Of All Right
by I Got Tired of Waiting
Part II : Harry and Severus
Chapter Twenty Four : The Mastery of Secrets
19 June 2003
Harry realized it was already early afternoon when his stomach started rumbling, reminding him he'd missed breakfast and was well on his way to missing lunch as well. He ignored it, knowing he needed this time to think, to put it together if he was going to do anything about his situation with Severus. So far all he'd been able to do was depress himself with the memories of why he loved Severus so much. He was no closer to having a solution in hand than he was this morning. His secrets were eating a hole in his life, one he desperately needed to fill.
August 2001
Like all secrets are wont to do, the first one began innocently enough and snuck up on him two years after he'd started school and two years before he should have finished. Harry completed his degree, with honours, in the Healing Arts. All the years of work with Albus, Remus, and Severus before he'd finished Hogwarts as well as his apprenticeship with Madame Pomfrey had paid off. Able to skip out of some of his course work and test out of others, he was deemed ready to either practice as a generalist or continue on for his Mastery as a Specialist. His Professor/Advisor had urged him to continue on immediately with his Mastery. He believed he needed the break, and so had told his Tutor he would return in the winter only a few months away. She'd not been pleased but told him to contact her should he ever change his mind.
He'd gone straight home, excited. He couldn't wait to tell Severus and spent a restless afternoon waiting for him to finish classes so he could give him the good news. While he waited, he made a list of places he would go to seek an apprenticeship. He was sure Madame Pomfrey would help him; there was not much use for his new skills at Hogwarts, unfortunately, and it was time to move on.
At the bell, he left their quarters to meet Severus as he was leaving class. Dumbledore met him along the way.
"Ah, Harry! Just the person I was looking for. We're having a special staff meeting in a few minutes. I've already sent Severus on his way. If you would be so good as to join us?"
"Certainly, Albus," Harry said, a little deflated but curious. He hadn't been to a staff meeting in years, the last one being after the fall of Voldemort when they'd divvied up the clean-up details. They walked in companionable silence until they reached the door to the second floor staff room. Looking around, Harry realised they were the last to arrive.
Albus stepped to the front of the room with the assignment board behind him. He raised his hands for silence. "I have a special announcement to make. I just received word this afternoon that our very own Professor Severus Snape has been published in "The Potions Quarterly" for his work on Wolfsbane and Restorative Potions. As you all know, this is a prestigious publication edited by our own Hermione Weasley and a distinct honour for our Potions Master. Copies of the paper are in each of your boxes. Please join me when I say well done, Severus, and congratulations for all your hard work."
A chorus of 'hear-hear's' and 'well-done's' were heard amidst the enthusiastic applause. Severus looked stunned. Harry was pleased and genuinely happy for his lover. When the crowd thinned, he approached him shyly and gave him a rare public embrace and a kiss on his cheek. "Sev, I'm so happy for you. You've worked so hard for years; it's about time you finally receive the recognition you so richly deserve," he'd said, meaning it.
Severus put his arm around his shoulder with a squeeze. "Praise indeed from someone with no bias whatsoever," he said with a wry chuckle. Harry felt good about the whole thing and forgot about his own news until long after they'd gone to bed and made love in celebration. Severus had been asleep and he decided a delay wouldn't hurt anything. He wanted Severus to have this rare moment in the sunlight.
The next day Severus had risen before him and Harry whiled away the morning reading the newly published potions paper while Severus was in classes. It was brilliant, well organised, and clearly the work of a master; it made him feel woefully inadequate as he didn't understand half of it. He felt stupid and incompetent--quite an imbecilic reaction when he thought of it now, but at the time he'd not had the confidence he did today.
When Severus had seen he'd read the article, he asked for Harry's opinion as if it had mattered, but Harry interpreted it as a subtle Severus-way of showing him up. He knew he'd disappointed Severus when he refused to discuss it in depth, but he just couldn't let him know how stupid he was. And again he'd held off telling him about his schooling--his recent accomplishments, even with honours, seemed pale compared to Severus'. He very much wanted to feel equal with his lover.
And to make it worse, he'd gone and compounded one error with an even bigger one. For in his impatience to gain the equal acceptance of his lover, Harry moved into the second phase of his education--his Mastery of the Healing Arts--and he never told Severus.
Late August 2001
He'd contacted his Tutor the next week telling her he was already bored and had changed his mind. He met her in her chambers--a very familiar place after the last two years. She had a huge pitcher of ice tea against the late summer heat--even with cooling spells he was sweating lightly as he carried his broom in to go see her.
"Harry, I have never understood why you keep flying when you could just as easily Apparate here."
He chuckled. "I suppose I could, but I would still have to fly to the Apparation Point and then fly into here as well. I Apparated most of the way today; it was too hot to fly all the way straight, but when it's cooler I enjoy the flight. Clears my head and all that rot."
"So. You're bored and ready to start your Mastery?" she asked pointedly.
"Yes ma'am," he said eagerly, "I also realised you were right. There really was no need to stop and lose my momentum. Where do you suggest I start?"
Professor Carlotta Quiesta was excited. She rarely got students of this caliber and to be able to train one in a profession so rare was a pleasure she intended to savour. Harry was not only smart and powerful, he was funny and 'safe', his known relationship with Severus Snape well established. She was considered quite a handsome woman, and fighting off the amorous advances of her male, and sometimes female, students got tiresome after a while. To be able to relax and explore what this young man was capable of without any of that kind of pressure was wonderful.
"Well, let's see where your strengths lie. You're extremely talented in spells and hexes, especially in the Sanos range, wandless magic, and the Dark Arts. You excel in Occlumency and Schemata. You are more than adequate in Herbology and adept in Potions. You would make a good Potions Master," she finished, closely watching his reaction.
He held up his hands in surrender, "No, I don't think so. I have no desire to compete with Severus in anything that close to home and frankly, I don't see me ever reaching his level of expertise. I just don't have the same curiosity he does. He's driven in ways I don't understand to always test the limits of his art. And it is an art for him, not just a profession. He's always thinking even when he's not. No, I'm a little more easy-going than that. That's not saying I don't want a challenge; I can't stand being bored, really, but I want to be able to choose when I'm obsessed by it, not driven to obsession." He hoped that explained the nebulous feelings he had about it.
"An astute observation, Mr. Potter. Severus Snape is indeed one of the best and you are perfectly correct in your assessment. I confess, I was testing you there. I find it is easier for people to articulate what they want when they are busy justifying what they don't want. My apologies if I misled you." She didn't look contrite.
Harry chose to ignore it. "If my strengths lie in Sanos and wandless magic, what career opportunities are there?"
Carlotta arched her well-shaped brow at him. "Knowing your work for the past two years, I find it impossible to believe you have not already thoroughly researched the subject. What are your views?"
Harry chuckled. "Hoist with my own petard. I was thinking of taking my advanced degree in Sanos with a heavy emphasis on reversals of Dark Magic. There are still enough Death Eaters around for me to be of use, and there are always idiots out there dabbling and trying things they ought not to. I was surprised to learn there are few Healers who do this type of work of any caliber, even though the demand is definitely there. I would be foolish indeed not to recognise my own native abilities; they could be put to good use."
She kept her face bland while eagerness coursed through her. 'Native abilities, indeed.' The sheer amount of magical power and the affinity for Dark Magic required to do what Potter wanted was an extremely rare combination; Harry had both in abundance. The last one to come through here with his potential had been his lover, Severus Snape. While he'd not had the same power as Potter, he had a quicker mind and the obsession, as Harry correctly observed, to ferret out the secrets he would need to excel. However, it was that same unquenchable prodigy which made him such an excellent Potions Master, that had, in the end, forced the Review Board to steer him in other directions. She had no doubt Harry would shine and she would be the one to guide him. What a paper she could write!
Instead, she counseled cautiously, "I think this might be a course worth looking into. It goes without saying you would need to be tested before the University will allow you to continue; the study is dangerous. Aside from the physical dangers inherent in any Sanos magic, there is also the temptation the Dark Arts can bring. And your advanced abilities in Occlumency and Legilimens might be a hindrance; you have done well to keep quiet about them. Not everyone appreciates someone who can read their memories. I would suggest you continue your discretion in this matter."
And so Harry was tested over a three day period, a gruelling assay that stretched his talents beyond anything he'd tried before. He was grateful for the harsh lessons Snape had taught him. Every time he faltered he could hear Severus' snide voice in the back of his head making him push farther, hold it a little longer--drawing from him the best magic he'd ever practised. He waited impatiently for the results.
He never knew until a few weeks ago, when he read the transcripts, of the long debate by the review board. His results were off any scale they had and it frightened them. When Professor Quiesta heard of the problems and saw her opportunity slipping away, she called in Albus Dumbledore to talk to them. There was no one there who would gainsay him.
He looked at the scores thoughtfully, secretly pleased, and calmly asked them, "What did you expect from the 'Boy-Who-Lived'? Mediocrity? He's had more training since he was eleven than many tenured Professors here. I doubt there are any in this room who could question his integrity. Had he wanted to use the Dark Arts, I assure you, he would have done so by now."
One of the board, an ancient, balding man with a reedy voice spoke up, "We also have concerns about the influence Severus Snape has on him. He is a former Death Eater, after all. How can we be assured he won't turn Mr. Potter after he's completed the course of his Mastery? If successful, Mr. Potter will be formidable indeed with few able to stop him."
Dumbledore barely hung onto his temper. He fixed the professor with a steely eye and said, "His relationship with Professor Snape is outside of this discussion. I have never found anything to make me question Professor Snape's loyalties either now or when he was serving the Order of the Phoenix as an agent against Voldemort. His research and body of published works is impeccable, his skills unparalleled. It seems to me his influence on Mr. Potter's work can only be positive."
And that, as they say, was that. Harry's course of study was approved if Dumbledore would personally ward against any abuses. Albus and Carlotta discussed their roles, more because it was expected of them than any fear on their part of Harry's turning into the next Voldemort. They both knew him better than that.
Harry was told the testing revealed he had a chance, with hard work and study, to be one of the best. Harry had found a niche, one where he could be as unique among his peers as Severus was with his, and he knew that if he could just succeed with this, he would be content with not being able to understand Severus' work because they could be equals--just in different disciplines.
However, he had some problems in logistics. He would be required to continue his apprenticeship with Madame Pomfrey to keep his basic Healing skills intact until he was ready for his practical, he could not take his courses by Owl as he'd done before as there was a practical, and he would need time to do his studies and his papers. There were not enough hours in the day to do all this unless he wanted to stretch it out over several years; he was impatient to get started--and finish.
He'd gone to Dumbledore and explained his situation, not knowing Albus already knew.
"Harry, I am very pleased you have been accepted into the Mastery Program. Professor Quiesta has quite a good reputation in the field and is a solid choice for Tutor. I'm sure Severus is quite pleased as well." He watched Harry carefully.
Harry looked away, out the window, saying, "I haven't told him."
"Well, I'm sure he'll be pleased once you tell him," Dumbledore hazarded.
He squirmed a bit in the chair. "I wasn't planning on telling him."
"Whyever not? It's quite an accomplishment," Dumbledore pushed.
'Honesty, I must be honest with him,' Harry thought as he said, "It's too late to tell him. He doesn't even know I got my Healing Degree." He held up his hand. "Yes, yes, I know it's shitty thing to do. I got my parchment the day his paper was published and by the time I could bring myself to tell him about it, it was too late."
He bit his lip and looked out of the window. "I delayed because I wanted Severus to garner all the praise he could. He deserved it. Now, it's personal. Don't ask me why, I'm not sure I know the answer myself, but I need to prove myself here. I need to be able to live with Severus as an equal. I can't do that now; I feel so stupid at times around him. And although I know he's never interfered in my studies and has always respected me, there is a part of me that wants this for myself. I need to do it outside of his shadow. Oh, I'm explaining this badly."
"No, I think I understand, Harry," Dumbledore said quietly. "It must be very difficult living with someone who is the very best in what they do. However, Harry, you are also the best at what you do, only you have not realised your full potential yet. Your refusal to tell Severus is not an issue of profession--it is an issue of relationship. I would hate to see you jeopardise what you both have worked so hard to forge because of your own feelings of inadequacy. Severus deserves better than that."
"I know," Harry whispered. "He deserves many things better than what he has received."
"What is it you want from me, other than my silence?" Dumbledore asked, resigned.
"I need a Time-Turner if I am to keep up with all of this," he said, relieved Dumbledore had seemed to drop the subject. He suspected Dumbledore knew it would do no good to talk to him further about the issue, in fact, it might even make it worse.
"Very well. It will take me about a week to get one. In the meantime, I would suggest you think hard about what we have discussed today. Come back here at the same time in a week," he said, clearly dismissing the younger man.
Dumbledore made him wait the entire week even though he got the Time-Turner in only two days--not only to test his resolve--but in the misguided hope Harry would finally tell Severus. When Harry showed up a week later, he merely showed him how to work it and was deeply worried about the whole situation. He'd worked so hard to get the two of them together. It irritated him Harry seemed determined to split them apart, but that was Harry's concern not his.
He did, however, have to strongly restrain himself to not tell Severus anyway. He hated secrets he didn't make.
19 June 2003 (Continued)
Over the course of these last two years, Harry had lived four. And he was done. He'd finished his Mastery, with distinction. He finally felt he might, just might, be able to face Severus now that he was more confident. He had more to him now than just being the Pain-In-The-Arse-Little-Boy-Who-Refused-To-Die. He was a Master Healer. Not a Medi-Wizard, but a Dark Arts Specialist.
And he had offers. Good offers, although there were none at Hogwarts but this was not a problem with Apparation. Of course, the problem still remained--he needed to tell Severus what he'd done--before someone mentioned to him the many job interviews and offers he'd received.
On further reflection, he realised he actually had a bigger problem. In leaving one of his better interviews this morning, he'd spied Draco lounging in the lobby of St. Mungos. It still rankled that Dumbledore had let Draco go rather than turn him over to the authorities, but Harry had concurred when presented with all the consequences. To have prosecuted him would have not only brought to light one of the more 'personal' reasons he was being charged (which the papers would have had a field day with), but it would have revealed how the information was obtained in the first place. Dumbledore never did say what had happened, but Severus' continued silence on the matter was indication enough that it had been pretty awful.
Draco looked inordinately pleased with himself, something Harry knew never boded well. Harry supposed Draco was still angry at missing his shot to finally change Harry's name to "The-Boy-Who-Someone-(Namely-Me)-Finally-Killed" because it was clear, in hindsight, that Draco had never been interested in him any other way.
"Potter, going for your weekly repair?" Draco had drawled.
"Malfoy, I see you're still lurking about. Come to see some relatives, or did they just let you out early?" Harry sneered right back. Living with Severus had rubbed off on him in more ways than one; this was a useful thing at times.
"I hear tell that things are not so good in your happy little family." Harry was instantly wary; he could hear the baiting tone Draco was so fond of using with him.
"Family? I haven't seen the Dursley's in six years," Harry declared, deliberately misunderstanding him. His heart had begun to race but with an effort, he kept his face impassive.
"No, you imbecile. Snape. I hear he's been prowling the clubs and the adult stores while ickle Harry has his nose in his books instead of Snape's arse. Boring him already, Harry? Can't keep the old man amused? I'm not too surprised though--you always were a lousy lay." Draco's eyes sparkled as his barb hit home--and hurt.
Harry could sense Draco was telling the truth and in a flash he put together Severus' recent behaviour with some other rumours he had heard about Severus' recent activities, and the letters he'd received. The picture they painted was not good. Not good at all. He stared at Draco, totally at a loss as to what to say, his recently acquired optimism decreasing with each passing moment.
Draco said no more and watched; Harry could tell he was amused and pleased with Harry's reaction and kicked himself for giving him the pleasure and ammunition he needed to hurt him further. Draco gave him the grin he'd hated in earlier years, the one that said 'I just fucked with you and it was so much fun'. He nodded in what Harry took to be satisfaction, turned on his heel, and walked away without a backwards glance whistling a jaunty tune.
And so he was here, sitting in the park. It was getting late; most of the mothers and children had gone home already and were being steadily replaced by older trysting couples and vagrants moving in for their night's rest. In fact, one was sitting at the other end of the bench Harry occupied, eyeing him suspiciously. Harry was tempted to tell him he got here first. 'Maybe I should note the location of this bench in case I need it when Severus throws me out on my arse. Surely he will not tolerate my presence after I talk to him.'
He chided himself at his last comment. 'See, there I go again with one of my assinine assumptions.' He took a deep breath. 'I can only offer an educated guess as to what Severus' reaction will be, not 'know' it.' He chuckled ruefully at his own obtuseness. 'Why is it I can face down the sickest patient, but the moment I think of Severus, all logic flies out the window and my brain turns to porridge?'
Harry settled back against the bench, his hands loose in his lap, shutting out for the moment the discomfort caused by the vagrant staring at him, still waiting for him to leave. He closed his eyes like he did when he was healing and it was not long before he found his center, the place inside himself where he'd learned to banish the chaos outside of him. The habits of six years came easily and he soon found they worked just as well for his personal life as they did for his work. It was a surprising discovery in itself.
'What is the problem? What are its symptoms? Diagnose. What could be wrong? Filter out what it could not be.'
He'd wanted to be equal to Severus. He still did, but how was it different? Thinking on it as he'd not done before, it dawned on him it hadn't been true equality he'd craved in the beginning. No, I wanted Severus to admire me the same way I'd admired--no, actually adored--Severus in a schoolboy sort of way. Alone, by myself, basking in Severus' warm regard without having to share. Such a selfish childish thing.
With further thought, he concluded the real disservice wasn't in obtaining his Mastery behind Severus' back, although he knew keeping it secret had the potential to destroy any trust he'd forged with Severus over the years. Nor was it that by casually dismissing Severus' truly wonderful accomplishments and his own, he'd deprived them both the chance to strengthen their union by celebrating their victories together. No, the travesty was he'd let his assumptions guide his path rather than his choices.
He was ashamed and shook his head over his own folly. Severus had even tried to tell him his assumptions hurt. The taciturn man had actually opened up and trusted him with the means to hurt him the most. He cringed when he thought about the night Severus had saved his life from Draco's poison. How he'd just assumed Severus had betrayed his secrets to Albus. When Harry had gone back into the bed chamber, Severus had been pale and shaking, his eyes closed against the pain Harry had caused him. Harry's gut clenched at the memory.
'So what had changed? Why is this happening? What is the root?'
Even though it was no real excuse, he admitted that his feelings of personal inadequacy had been at the heart of it. And this was where Harry had truly injured his lover, even if Severus was not aware of it, because Harry never gave him the chance to succeed, to grow with him. Instead he had denied him his future by assuming Severus would ridicule his accomplishments. While Severus was the master of insults, he only resorted to them in their relationship whenever Harry had done something really imbecilic or Severus was retreating into his defensive shell. No, this time it had been his own low self-esteem that caused the problem. Severus just got caught in the backwash from it.
With a flash of revelation, Harry bolted upright when he realised the situation had been partially in response, though, to Severus' sometimes overwhelming protectiveness towards him. He knew with surety that this was the other side of his motivations, one buried unseen within him, an instinct he'd unknowingly acted on and knew he'd been right to heed. Severus had the power to unintentionally hurt him, permanently, by holding him back.
The epiphany soothed his conscience and he felt hope. While this was more serious, more deeply ingrained, it was something happening without rather than within. The ultimate selfishness, as it were, but in a good way even though it meant setting aside for a moment his heart's desire. For he knew Severus would never have stopped trying to keep him safe and although it was just another one of the many reasons he loved the man, he also saw with such clarity that had he allowed it to continue, it would have eventually torn them apart for a man such as Severus cannot live forever with a child.
And the root of the problem in this case was that Severus would not have seen it this way and there was a good chance he still would not. Based on his own life and experiences, Severus' survival instincts were sharply honed and he was never consciously aware when he imposed his own values on Harry. And until he found his own place in life, Harry could not gainsay him. No, this was a different type of equality, of the best kind, one to which Harry had not given purposeful thought, but was no less valid for it.
And looking back, he realised Dumbledore had seen this, too. In his own fashion Albus had surreptitiously supported Harry's unconscious decision to keep it from Severus, despite his chastising words to the contrary; he'd given Harry the one chance to grow up on his own.
'Can it be fixed? What steps need to be taken to cure it?'
With mixed feelings he knew he'd do it again, in the same manner, if he had to. He'd had to separate himself from Severus in order to join with him later, as an equal. The equality he'd thought at first was one of regard, he saw now was one of person; he'd needed to grow to stand with Severus, man to man. And the real risk was that Severus would not like, let alone love, the man he'd become. His fear was that Severus had only loved the boy he'd been and would find him incomprehensible now.
Before they could be together again Harry needed to take the risk and tell Severus of what he had done and why, and show him that, despite all apearances to the contrary, he still loved him--more than he ever had. He had found himself and, in the process, had discovered that the love he'd had for Severus in the beginning had blossomed into something so profound it filled his soul, his very core, until at times he thought he'd burst from it.
He was long overdue for some penance himself and knew, with a surety not born of assumption, that Severus would mete it out in spades once Harry told him. And he was ready to take it. He had a new maturity, a new vision of the world now than he had four years ago, and knew what he'd done was wrong, even if it might have been for the right reasons. He hoped it wasn't too late. It would have been so much better if Severus could have grown with him.
'I have to let Severus get reacquainted with whom I have become. To know me. I have to convince him I am no different inside even though I see things differently than I did before. I might even have to make him fall in love with me all over again.'
Why did he have to make things so complicated? It seemed so simple. He wanted to bind with Severus for the rest of his life if he were willing. He'd gone to Gringotts two days before and, out of the vault, he had got the rings Remus had saved for him, which he'd left at a jeweler's for modifications; he was hoping Severus would be pleased. 'And if he's not? Will I be willing to go back to our old relationship knowing it will end someday? Can I survive not having Severus to talk to, to hold at night, to make love with?'
Was it already too late? Were the things Draco had said combined with the rumours he'd heard and the letters he'd received already sounding the death knell for them? Suddenly, Harry was filled with resolve. 'I am NOT going to lose Severus. Not on my watch.'
Which brought him to a third secret, although it was very small and innocent compared to the others and in most cases was even considered socially acceptable. He was working with Dumbledore and McGonagall to arrange a surprise birthday party for Severus on this coming Saturday night. He'd been appalled when he learned no one in Severus' twenty-one year tenure had ever thrown him a birthday party. Harry was incensed and had bullied the other two into helping him.
They'd been working the last few nights after dinner, making their plans and sending out all the invitations. Harry had staggered to his and Severus' rooms late and had been disappointed each night to find Severus already in bed asleep. And equally unfortunate, his inevitable schedule of appointments and interviews during the day dragged him reluctantly out of bed before Severus awoke.
No, he now had the time. 'Even if it means turning down every offer, even if I have to get on my knees and beg, I am going to keep him at my side, for as long as I can hold him.' He realised he was wasting precious time and immediately started on his way home.
The vagrant watched him leave and, with relief, took over the bench, glad his spot was secure for the night. As he drifted off into his own thoughts, he had a random hope that the young man, who had sat so sad and still, solved whatever was bothering him. He then dismissed it as he wondered if it was going to rain tonight.
End Part II